


Black Orchid

by Hyuka00



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: +U references, Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And the happiest ending you could hope for, Angst, Babies, BeomKai, Brief bisexuality, Businessmen, Children, Crimes & Criminals, Denial of Feelings, Explicit Language, F/M, Fatherhood, Flowers, Fluff, Gardens & Gardening, Guitar, Hospitals, Inspired by Music, Jealousy, M/M, Medical Procedures, Mind Games, Minor Character Death, Musicians, Mystery, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Personal Growth, Pining, Rich Choi Beomgyu, Rock Band, Same sex Parenthood, Self Destructive Behaviour, Slow Burn, Subjective supernatural themes, Wakes & Funerals, Yeonbin, mild physical violence, non graphic sexual content, pottery, tyunning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 126,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26892793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyuka00/pseuds/Hyuka00
Summary: Beomgyu, a 21-year-old rich, spoiled guitarist is forced out of the family home by his father and into a freshly purchased house on the outskirts of the city. He is instructed to create a garden in the backyard to teach him a lesson in hard work to cure his entitled, lazy manner. His next-door neighbour notices him over the fence through the backyard, watching him struggle to even dig a hole properly. Kai, green-fingered and cheerful, just keeps giggling at Beomgyu's failed attempts. Will Beomgyu's pride allow him to ask for help? Or will he continue to let the weeds in both his yard and own mind stunt his growth?
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Huening Kai, Choi Beomgyu/Original Female Character(s), Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 244
Kudos: 185





	1. Prologue

_Money can get you anything in life. Clothes, guitars, alcohol, houses, cars-_ **_fast_ ** _cars. It can put the whole world in your hands at the click of a button or a flash of your credit card. You have limitless options at your very fingertips. You can fill your life with shining, spectacular and expensive toys and sit there upon the golden throne that you purchased and tell yourself that it's enough. Like I told myself. I believed in nothing else. I hated him, by God, did I ever. That stupidly, charming neighbour of mine with that even_ **_more_ ** _stupidly, charming smile of his that wormed its way into the thick weeds of my mind. How did I let him get to me so easily?_ **_Me_ ** _. Beomgyu The Untouchable. Though apparently... not as untouchable as I always thought._


	2. Chapter 1

I watched the asphalt, glass and steel scenery of the city through the car window begin to blur, approaching the highway that takes you out of the metropolis. My father increased his miles per hour with a gentle ease of his foot upon the gas pedal, the engine responded with a low, deep purr. 800 units of horsepower under the hood makes life so effortless. Though we were speeding in a direction that had me a bit lost.

"Where are we even going?" I asked my father to my side, watching his eyes remain steady upon the road that stretched out in front of us into 3 lanes.

"To the outskirts."

"The _outskirts?_ You actually bought a _house_ there?" I said with perplexed disgust. There was _nothing_ out there except for the old and destitute; houses and people alike.

My father remained silent in response. He had been oddly quiet with me all week, actually. Especially since the birthday party I threw myself at home the previous Saturday night that _apparently_ got too out of hand. I didn't see the issue. It's not like I was God knows where with God knows who. And so what if I threw the 80 inch TV into the pool? It was hilarious. It's not like I couldn't just replace it. It was _mine_ , anyway.

My father reached forward, giving a tap of his finger against the touch screen display in the middle of the dash and spoke to it "Play Air Supply."

The tendons around my eyes almost _ached_ with how much I rolled them in response to the old-person music my father requested.

[All Out Of Love](https://youtu.be/Yf1S7dSMWPU)

_I'm lying alone with my head on the phone_  
 _Thinking of you till it hurts  
_ _I know you hurt too but what else can we do?_

'What else can we do?' This old muppet just doesn't _get_ it. Buy yourself something and move the fuck on, dude.

"How can you keep listening to this shit? Can't you put something _decent_ on that's not sung by 80-year-olds who just need to die already?"

My father just pressed his finger down on the volume button inbuilt into the steering wheel, ignoring my words with the increased volume of his shitty, sad love song.

I huffed, dragging my headphones up from my neck and placed them upon my heavily pierced ears, drowning out the pathetic garbage with my superior taste in music. I pressed my finger down into the electronic recline button of the leather seat and sank backwards, staring up at the heavily polluted skies through the car window.

I still didn't understand _why_ I had to come with my father on this trip to see some decrepit house he so foolishly purchased. Was this his idea of punishment for how my birthday party went? Pretty weak, if you ask me.

It took at least an hour to reach the outskirts, my father and I didn't speak a further word to each other and soon we were pulling up the driveway of, as I had presumed, some mediocre single-story house. Ugh. It was just so _bland._ It was white and green but _screamed_ the word 'beige'- so fucking boring.

My father turned and withdrew his key from the ignition, unbuckling his seatbelt and I saw him mouth the words "come on" to me through the loud music I still had pulsing in my ears. I was beginning to get such a loathsome feeling about it all as I reluctantly freed myself from my own seatbelt.

We exited the car, my father leading the way up the crooked driveway to the front door. He stood there, struggling with the apparently stubborn lock and key while I kicked some moss sprouting up from a crack in the driveway with the tip of my shoe. I eventually heard the door open with a creak and I turned to see my father standing to the side, wanting me to go first.

I sighed. Why did I feel this was less about him showing me some random-ass house and more to do with _me,_ in particular? I tugged my headphones off my ears, the plush leather of the earcups pushing into my collarbones as I begrudgingly walked through the narrow doorway.

Ugh. Yuck. What the _fuck_ was that smell?

"Gross. Smells like a bag of mothballs in here..." I grimaced as I looked around the small entranceway that led into a living area which was surprisingly, not empty. There was a couch. Why was there furniture in here? Had the previous owners abandoned it?

"I know it's not much to look at, son, but..- uh" he reached into his suit jacket pocket, pulling out his cellphone that was ringing, giving it a disapproving glance "One second," he said as he answered it.

"Angela, I told you to divert my calls for now."

I zoned out as he spoke to his personal assistant, my eyes slowly glided over the couch. It was brand new, the labels were still attached and the seats had those plastic protective covers on them when they come fresh out of a warehouse. I then looked to my right behind my father, a brand new refrigerator, also still dressed in its plastic wrapping was sitting tall against a wall, unplugged.

I quickly began to piece the scenario together. _This_ iswhy he brought me here. He was kicking me out of home, wasn't he? He was going to leave me here in this _shithole_ of a house.

I heard my blood rush in my ears and my hands balled themselves into fists at my sides.

My father ended his call and sighed "Sorry, son-"

"What's the big idea?" I glared at him, cutting him off.

He pursed his lips, realizing that I had caught onto his schemes. "Beomg-"

"You think this is a fucking joke?!" I half-yelled at him, I could feel the veins in my neck swell with the sudden onset of stress.

"Listen, son, your mother and I-"

"You're _both_ in on this then?! Fucking unbelievable.." I walked a slow circle on the spot, turning my back to my father as the musty smell of the place began to make me feel sick.

" ** _Listen_** to me, Beomgyu."

His voice sank a few octaves and it made me look back at him. He usually wasn't ever stern with me. His dark brown eyes burned as he held my own with them.

"We've had quite enough of your selfish antics lately. It's time you learned how to stand on your own two feet."

"Tch" I scoffed at him. What would he know? He was born into wealth just like I had been. "And you haven't learned that yourself after grandfather _gave_ you his company?!"

"I may have been given the wings to fly, Beomgyu, but I still had to stay in the air through my own means."

My eyes squinted a deeper glare at him. I hated that I couldn't retaliate to his words.

"If you want to take over the company someday, you need to learn the hard lesson of _honest_ work that money can't buy you."

He was suddenly looking to his right through the glass sliding doors that lead out onto a patio and the backyard. He left me to open them, brushing away a spiderweb with his ring-encrusted hand and beckoned me over to him "Come here."

I exhaled deeply, almost expelling the entirety of air out of my lungs as I dragged my feet along the carpet to stand next to him on the patio. My eyes were met with a _jungle_ of dying, unkempt plants, shrubs and trees that twisted and curled around each other, becoming a gigantic tumbleweed of impossibility.

"The house, itself, doesn't need much done to it."

Wrong. It needed to be bulldozed.

"But the _garden_ , however, needs extensive work." He turned to me, placing his thick hand upon my sloping shoulder.

"I want you to live here for 3 months, Beomgyu, until the start of summer."

Three fucking _months?!_

"During that time, your allowance will be cut back to afford only what you _need_."

"Are you fucking for real?" I stared at him incredulously. I saw the corners of his moustached mouth drop.

"You're 21, Beomgyu. Your allowance was only meant to last until you were _18_. Consider yourself lucky I'm giving you anything at all."

My posture slouched as I looked down, sliding my hands into the snug pockets of my tight, black ripped jeans. Cool, dad. Just make me feel like a loser, why don't you.

"I'll let you keep the house, on one condition."

Keep it? Just to demolish it.

"I want you to tend to the garden. Pull it all out and plant an entirely new one."

I looked back out to the complete skeletal mess of thorns and branches. I couldn't even _see_ the ground under it all.

"You want me to fix _this_?" I jolted a pointed finger towards the backyard. He can't have been serious.

"Yes. If you don't, you can't keep the house... or return home, either."

I felt my face almost melt as the glare from my eyes dropped at his words. I could pick up a hint of hurt in his voice. He _was_ serious.

He reached into his back pocket, pulling out a small stack of money, crisp and clean in his old hands and held it out to me. It must have been only around $1000 or so.

"Take this. I want you to use it to buy yourself some gardening tools and equipment you'll likely be needing. It's certainly not enough money to pay someone else to come in and fix it for you, so don't even think about it."

My head seemed to hang to the side, all strength in my neck gone as my eyes just darted between the garden and his hand. I eventually snatched the money from him in spite, gripping it tight in my fist as I felt the paper crease and scrunch in my fingers.

My father walked back inside, looking around himself in thought. "I've bought you the essentials, as you may have noticed.." he said as he looked at the plastic-covered couch and fridge. "There's a bed in one of the rooms too."

"Oh. Goodie," my voice dripped with sarcasm.

He looked over at me, still outside on the patio, slowly turning the money in my hand into a ball of green and white rubbish.

"Do your best, Beomgyu. Your shoulders may be small, but you've got a smart head on them. You just don't use it."

"Wow. Spoken like a true, supportive father-figure." I walked back inside, slamming the sliding doors closed behind myself.

"Angela will be over in the next few hours to drop some clothes off for you and a few personal items."

"Is my guitar one of those personal items?" I asked, my voice laced with a scintilla of hope. He _knew_ it was important to me. As much as his taste in music _sucked_ , he loved music just as much as I did.

"No, it's not... I didn't want you getting too distracted while you're staying here.." he trailed off, his voice deepening with sincere concern.

"What the fuck do you expect me to do at night?! Read a book?" the cash was almost ripping in my hand now.

"That wouldn't be a bad idea.." my father offered me the very smallest of smiles, as if to suggest it.

Piss off. The only text I like seeing is the long line of numbers in my bank account.

"P..." I sighed. I hated begging ".. Please? Can you tell Angela to bring my guitar too? I need something to stop me from going insane while I'm staying in this hole."

My father sighed, scratching at the back of his black-haired head. "Alright then..." he eventually gave in. "Just don't get too side-tracked."

He turned from me, setting the house key down on the arm of the couch. "Good luck, son. I probably won't be back until the end of the 3 months. But you can still call me."

I very much doubted I would.

I watched as my father made his way out of the house, closing the door behind him. I looked down at the money still tightly gripped in my hand and back out behind me at the backyard. My mind was _already_ working hard in trying to avoid the task ahead as much as possible. I heard the engine of my father's car roar to life and slowly fade away as he reversed out the driveway.

"Fuck this.." I tucked the money into my pocket and pulled my phone out from the other. I called Yeonjun.

"Hey hey, BG!" he said with enthusiasm as he answered.

"Yo. What are you up to?"

"Oh you know, just chillin' with Soobin."

 _Of course_ he was. Their new relationship still irked me in moments. I had briefly harboured feelings for Soobin, but Yeonjun got in before me. Being in a band together with the two of them was certainly a fair bit more awkward since that day when I found out.

"Wanna make yourself some money?" I asked, a small smirk crossing my lips.

"Hell yeah! What's up?" Yeonjun's voice beamed with intrigue through the line.

"You know where I hide my spare car key? Under the big potted plant near the front door?"

"Uhh... yeah?"

"Bring my car to me. I'll text you the address."

"This sounds interesting!" he laughed.

I thought some more, reaching down into my pocket for the money and giving a glance out towards the garden again.

My father underestimated me. I didn't need a lesson in hard work when I already had knowledge of street smarts. All you need is a bit of money flashed at the right people and you can turn your situation around.

"Feel like drinking tonight?" I grinned.

"Oh, you already _know_ my answer to that!" Yeonjun gave me the reply he always did.

"Good. Bring Soobin. Call the usual people and make it happen, alright?"

"I'm on it. Text me the details."

"Will do. Later." I hung up, sliding my phone back into my pocket.

Fuck this, honestly. I'll drink away the money and just live with Yeonjun and Soobin. We were already starting to create a few waves with our band. We would be living the Rockstar lifestyle in _no_ time.

You're so fucking wrong, Dad. Hard work? Teaching _me_ a lesson? Heh, hardly. Not when easy money exists.


	3. Chapter 2

A few hours ticked by as I waited in a horizontal position upon the new couch. My father's personal assistant came and went from dropping my things off to me. She struggled to lug my 50kg guitar amp up the steps and through the door wearing those stiletto heels and high-cut miniskirt. Stupid bitch even knocked it against the wall. Doesn't she know how fragile the inside of it is? Honestly. I would have helped her bring things inside, but hey, my father was paying _her_ to do it. Not my job.

It was now almost 5:30 pm and the skies were beginning to darken, the shadows stretching longer across the musty-scented off-white carpet. I grinned to myself as I heard the very familiar rumbling of my car's engine pull up the driveway. Time to get this party started.

I pushed myself up, walking out of the house with a quick lock of the door and saw the pastel-painted hair of my bandmates through the windshield of my car. The driver door opened and a ball of sunrise pink emerged as Yeonjun poked his head out.

"So why the hell are you all the way out here for?!"

"Ugh, don't ask.." I dismissed his question and approached him as he got out of the pitch-black car to let me take the driver's seat.

"Guess you got kicked out of home then?" Yeonjun asked as he opened the backdoor to get back in, playfully smirking at me.

"Not for long," I said as I sank into the driver's seat and closed the door, having to adjust the seat slightly to bring it forward from Yeonjun's longer-legged position.

Soobin was in the passenger seat, smiling at me as I did up my seatbelt. His stupid height making the very tips of his sky blue hair touch the ceiling of the rather snug interior of the car.

"Been working on any songs lately?" he asked me with that deep voice that still made me breathe a bit faster than it should have.

"A few" I replied simply, my foot pressing down into the brake pedal while I moved the gear stick down into reverse.

"I have some pretty slick rap verses I've been working on.." Yeonjun piped up from the backseat, my eyes holding onto the wing mirrors to make sure I was pulling out of the driveway straight.

"Good. We'll need to work harder on our content from now on, anyway."

"Why's that?" Soobin perked up curiously, his lips pouting naturally at me.

I pulled out onto the street, recalling a nearby liquor store my father and I had passed on the way in and decided to set that as my destination.

"We're going to be rock stars," I smirked, my eyes hardening upon the road with determination.

"Now _that_ , I like the sound of!" Yeonjun said as he spread his arms wide upon the black leather of the back seats, seated in the middle.

I held my foot upon the clutch, the other on the gas while I pushed the gear stick into 1st, letting the rear tyres screech into the neighbourhood, propelling us forward into a lane at an already phenomenal amount of speed with the amount of horsepower I had at my disposal.

I pressed the Bluetooth button on the black leather steering wheel, the speakers boomed with a sexy amount of bass as my song of choice started.

[Heartless](https://youtu.be/-uj9b9JCIJM)

_Never need a bitch_ _  
__I'm what a bitch need_

Undoubtedly.

 _Hundred models getting faded in the compound  
_ _Trying to love me but they never get a pulse down  
_ _Cause I'm heartless_

Heartless, cold.. untouchable. Just the way I like it. Can't catch feelings if you aren't grasping for them in the first place.

I smirked to myself, holding the revs of the engine long and hard in 2nd gear as I finally pushed it into 3rd, watching the speedometers in my dash bounce as I dropped my foot from the clutch. I lowered the volume of the song for a moment as I shot my gaze up to the blush-haired bass player's reflection in my rear-view mirror.

"Yeonjun," I addressed him simply, his dark eyebrows arched up in response.

"I'm going to move in with you and Soobin. It will be better for the band if we're all together to work on songs."

I saw him blink in the mirror and his light brown eyes moved to Soobin sitting next to me. He was hesitating. I gripped the steering wheel tighter at his reluctance, the leather under my palms making a stretching noise.

"Is there a _problem_?" I harshened my tone.

"Uh..." Yeonjun stuttered. I eyed up Soobin next to me who turned, smiling that full smile of his at me. "Of course not! No problem at all. That's a great idea!"

The blue-haired drummer soothed my annoyance in a heartbeat with his ever-pleasing demeanour. Good thing he's a 6'1" _pushover_.

"Good. I'll come back with you both tonight after the party."

"I guess I will be the sober driver again?" Soobin laughed.

"Naturally," I replied and turned the volume back up, ending the conversation. Soobin didn't really drink, anyway. It was more Yeonjun and me who were the thirsty ones.

_I lost my heart and my mind_

My hardened gaze upon the road in front of me slacked ever so slightly at the sudden soft fog that rolled into the mood of the song.

 _You never gave up on me_ _  
__I'll never know what you see_

My father's trusting gaze when he said 'do your best' to me flashed through my mind, bringing an unwelcomed twitch to the corners of my eyes. I switched the song in an instant.

"Hey! I was enjoying that!" Yeonjun protested playfully from the backseat.

"My car. My music," I smirked and shook off the brief onset of distraction from the song as I continued on the way to the liquor store.

We acquired our poison for the night, set up the sound system that I had floating around in the trunk of my car and soon our many, familiar party-fiends began to filter in through the door. I made it clear to them that this night was about the destination, not the journey- knowing full well this straw-hut of a house had nothing to offer in forms of entertainment and was a mere container for drinking until we couldn't stand. Binge-drinking _was_ always my favourite type of intoxication.

I ordered some food for delivery, although I couldn't believe the amount of _arrogance_ the driver gave me, complaining how far out of the way the house was from the city. I slammed the door on him after telling him to get a real job.

It was _fortunate_ that I didn't have any glassware or disposable cups to drink from. It just meant people had to drink directly from the bottle- a faster poisoning of one's self. My own was 3 litres of the very _best_ of Russian Vodka- _Beluga Noble_. And, as always, it did not disappoint.

The room was beginning to spin, my skin and senses numbing as the entire day began to melt away in amongst the loud music that rattled the weathering windows. Spilt alcohol and knocked over food stained the already disintegrating carpet. The only person who even seemed to care was also the only sober one there. I watched as Soobin did his best to pick up beer bottles and put them into a neat stack up on the kitchen bench. He was also playing babysitter to Yeonjun who was even drunker than I was.

The loose-jointed bass player was making his way over to me upon unsteady feet and slouched a drunken, jelly arm loosely over my shoulders. He almost pushed me over with his unsteady weight against my side.

"Y'know BG... this is-hic.." he was interrupted with an intoxicated hiccup. He reeked of booze, but so did I. I could have almost smiled as I watched his brain fumble over itself inside of his head.

"... This is a.... a good night!" he smiled widely and just laughed out of pure hysteria, realizing he was exactly as drunk as he presumed he was.

"Fuck, you're a mess" I smirked at him and clinked my large bottle of vodka against his smaller one of beer.

We cast both our gazes across the room to Yeonjun's blue-haired boyfriend who was now standing in front of the sound system inconspicuously.

"Hey, baby! Sing for us!" Yeonjun yelled across the noise and Soobin looked back in surprise which quickly became self-consciousness. As much as Soobin was stuck behind a drum kit most of the time, he _did_ have an admirable singing voice.

"Gimmie'your phone" Yeonjun slurred out next to me, looking down at my pockets. "I wanna put'a song on."

"Fine.." I pulled it out and laid it in his clumsy hand. I watched his other hand carefully, making sure the fresh bottle of beer he had wasn't going to spill onto my phone. I wouldn't have cared previously, but with my current financial situation, I suddenly had to be cautious for the first time in perhaps my entire existence.

Yeonjun found the song he wanted for Soobin and it began playing through the Bluetooth speakers. I rolled my eyes with a half-grin. _Of course,_ it was Bebe Rexha. What else?

[Ferrari](https://youtu.be/NYMcACJLqJs)

Yeonjun left my side, approaching Soobin across the room and dragged him into the middle of it. I stood against a wall, feeling the loose, patchy wallpaper at my back move slightly with my weight against it. I took a swig from the hefty bottle in my hand, feeling the liquor burn the lining of my throat exactly how I wanted it to. Yeonjun began drunkenly dancing in front of Soobin, which was almost like how he _always_ danced. Limp yet fluid but with moments of precision.

 _I'm a Ferrari_ _  
__And after the party's done_ _  
__I keep on going, missing the moments_ _  
__Living in the fast lane's getting kinda lonely_

For the 2nd time that day, I fought back the unwelcomed feeling of being lectured by music. I thought it was meant to be my friend. Why was it acting like such a little _bitch_ all of a sudden?

Soobin's voice lightly sang on top of his favourite artist, his high notes and falsetto matching hers almost perfectly. He looked down into Yeonjun's eyes as his arms snaked around his waist, drawing him in closer and I had to look away.

My ringtone suddenly began laying over the song and I looked down to see my father was calling me. I rejected it almost immediately and turned my phone onto Do Not Disturb mode, the song starting back up after the temporary drop.

My stomach started to turn and my skin chilled for a moment as nerves thickened in my veins. I think I knew why he was calling me. He'd likely picked up that my car was now gone from the driveway at home. But what was he going to do about it, honestly? Come get it, himself? I somehow doubted that. Plus how did he expect me to _do_ anything without it? I wasn't going to walk. I'm not homele-

My grip around the Vodka bottle in my hand tightened. Homeless? ... No. But it was beginning to feel like it.

Fuck, _why_ was I having these thoughts? Now? When I'm supposed to be drunk out of my head, not giving a shit? My mind just didn't want to fully commit to the bottom of this bottle.

I began pushing my way past a few drunken individuals to make my way to the front door. I needed some fresh air.

I slowly walked past my car that sat at the front of the line of the rest of them behind it from the guests. I glided my hand over the smooth, black shiny curves under the moonlight overhead. It was a limited edition. Of course. Manufactured by my father's car business. I silently admired the black and gold trim wheels as I passed it.

I made my way out to the end of the drive. It was so fucking _dark_. There were barely any street lights present on this side of town except for one that dimly glowed in front of a neighbouring property. I looked down, noticing something out of the corner of my eye to my right.

A small wooden stall was set up against the neighbour's fence with what looked to be handmade vases in different shapes, sizes and colours presented on top of it. An honesty box sat on the edge with a small engraved piece of wood in front of it.

"Pay what you can," I said out loud to myself as I read the writing upon it.

What the fuck kind of grandma shit is this? It was obvious my neighbour was at least 70.

My eye was suddenly caught by a light flicking on inside one of the windows of the neighbour's property. The curtains were drawn but I could see a silhouette move across the room. Judging by the outline, it wasn't an elderly person _or_ a female. It was a young man. I could tell by his posture and the clean-cut profile of his shoulders and face.

I looked up the driveway, noting it was void of any vehicles. I turned my attention back to the window as the light flicked off suddenly.

I picked up one of the vases that sat upon the table, turning it over in my free hand. It was so intricately made, for something that seemed like it had been slapped together by whoever lived there. I glanced at the bottom of it, turning it towards the streetlight and saw three capital letters etched into it with a knife.

_**KKH**._

Well, that doesn't tell me much.

I placed it back upon the table and shook my head at the idea of the honesty box. This person actually _trusted_ people to pay without taking the money from customers directly? That's no way to build a respectable income. What an idiot.

I sighed deeply, making my way back up to the house that I hated the sight of more and more by the minute. Not for much longer though.

I entered the front door and looked around the living area for my bandmates, but couldn't find their brightly coloured hair amongst the sea of black, blonde and brown. Where were they?

I turned into the hallway, opening a few doors only to be met with their empty interiors. Then I noticed the room that had the bed in it had its door open just ever so slightly and a few noises coming from it. I approached it, placing my hand upon the doorframe and my heart dropped with what I saw through the small crack of the doorway upon the bed.

The moonlight shone in through the windows to the right, illuminating the pair of cotton-candy coloured bandmates of mine, tongues down each other's throats, hands and fingers tracing exposed skin under their shirts. The sound Soobin made when Yeonjun withdrew his lips from his to place them upon his neck made my chest tighten like a venus fly trap around an insect. It... hurt.

They had the _audacity_ to do this in MY hou-

... It wasn't mine. None of this was mine. Not the house. Not the money. Not ... Soobin. I didn't truly own... _anything_.

My throat was tightening now, a foreign wetness gathering in my eyes and the hatred came bursting out of me with a firm, hard kick to the door in front of me.

"What the **_fuck_** are you doing?!" I yelled as I barged in, my bottle of Vodka in my left hand sloshing around with the movement.

Soobin was suddenly pushing Yeonjun back, his eyes wide with shock, though it took a moment for Yeonjun to even register anything had happened with his lack of sobriety.

"Beomgyu... I..." Soobin struggled with his words through the embarrassment.

"I haven't even _slept_ in that bed yet and you two decide it's a good idea to _fuck_ on it!" I held the tears back even though they built further in my long eyelashes. I would _not_ cry them.

"Oh... hey BG... uh..." Yeonjun was just such a fucking drunken mess, not worthy of listening to.

I knew it. I knew I couldn't live with these two. I would rather stay in this hellhole, alone, than put up with potentially walking in on this every day. I would _not_ be willingly reduced to the pathetic mess of emotions I was. I'm better off alone.

"Just fucking _leave!_ " I took my own advice that I shouted at them and turned around to hurriedly leave the scene I had interrupted. I heard a thump and Soobin's voice saying "I _told_ you this was a bad idea!" come from behind me.

Yes. It was a bad idea. Thinking I could withstand the two of them around each other every day like that. This is what you get when you catch feelings. It was a sickness that only weakened you. Never again.

I chugged back the Vodka with abandon now, making my way through the living area, getting lost in the masses of poisoned minds that surrounded me. I heard one of the songs I heavily associated my existence with beginning to lift off, the thick bass pulsing throughout the entire property and my mind as I began to drown in the liquor.

[Rockstar](https://youtu.be/4GFAZBKZVJY)

_Green hundreds in my safe, I got old racks_ _  
__L.A bitches always asking where the coke at_ _  
__Livin' like a rockstar, smash out on a cop car_ _  
__Sweeter than a pop-tart  
_ ** _You know you are not hard_**

Heh, third time's a charm, music speaking some bullshit to me I didn't want to hear. My father may not have been there, but his presence was a ghost hanging in the thick, heavy air that was consuming me now.

The mindless crowd of people danced, kissed and drowned around me. My eyes, now blurry, gazed out to the backyard through the open sliding doors. The moonlight exposed the dark, twisting roots, thorns, branches and weeds. I felt like I was looking at a reflection of the inside of my own mind.

What an insufferable mess.


	4. Chapter 3

My eyes may as well have been sewn shut. God knows what the time was but I was _not_ ready to get out of bed. It wasn't the most comfortable night's sleep. I had thrown the pillow onto the floor, considering it smelt like Soobin's hair from when I found him and Yeonjun upon it. I didn't need the constant, scented reminder.

I groaned as I rolled over, hiding under the bedding from the bright light of the day that the pathetically thin curtains did an extremely poor job of blocking out. It was Spring now, and the sunlight was a lot harsher than the cooler, winter months that had just come to an end. But the more I lay there, the more I began to feel like a cactus under the heat. Only I was holding Vodka inside of me instead of water.

 _God_ , I felt awful. My throat had become sandpaper and my head was a bowling ball with the heavy weight of it that throbbed mercilessly. I had been drunk enough in the past to know that lying there wasn't going to fix it either.

I let out a groan similar to that of a water buffalo as I forced myself up to sit on the edge of the bed. If I was honest, I was still slightly drunk. My liver despised me at that moment. As did my bladder. Thankfully, my strong thighs made getting up easy as I wandered off to the bathroom to rid myself of the poisonous liquid that resided inside of me.

I came out into the open kitchen and living area and _fuck_ all this.

The house was an even further bombsite from the guests. I instructed everyone to leave eventually, not wanting any of them to potentially think it was a good idea to leech off of me and stay the night. But I was left with the aftermath in the form of bottles lying on their sides, seeping their essence into the carpet. Food joined the liquid, although _somehow_ it had also made its way onto the walls.

The parties I had held at home were usually cleaned up by my mother or one of the housemaids. I sighed deeply, knowing full well _I_ would have to deal with it this time.

I opened the refrigerator, my eyes were met with shelves of green bottles of beer that Soobin had put in there to keep chilled for the guests. I had made the mistake of thinking it was the fridge at home, my eyes searching for a small bottle of hangover medicine I usually always kept. But, of course, there was nothing but distilled wheat. I didn't even know if I really wanted to keep any of it. Now that I knew that, sometimes, a drunken mind can bring upon some rather sobering thoughts.

I saw my half-empty open bottle of Vodka sitting near the sink and I emptied its remains down the drain. I turned the tap on and filled it back up with water, taking it with me into the living area.

Jesus, I couldn't even _sit_ anywhere on the couch with the mess.

I walked out to the sliding doors, pulling one of them open and immediately regretted it, feeling the strong sun kick me directly in the eyes. I dragged myself out of the house, the concrete of the patio warming my bare feet as I walked down to sit on the edge. I took a sip of water from the Vodka bottle. Then another. And another until I started chugging it. It occurred to me that I had no food in the house either. Except for what was staining the floors and walls.

I laid back, placing my forearm over my eyes to block out the sun and just lay there for several minutes, wanting the feeling of sobriety to kick in already. I opened my eyes to the sound of whistling. I turned my head. It was coming from the neighbouring house on my left. Though because of the high wooden backyard fence that separated the properties, I couldn't see who the noise was coming from.

But it was persistent. Happy. **_Annoying_**.

Then the voice began humming a tune and I could definitely tell it was a man who lived there with the deepness of the sound in his throat. I could also hear what sounded to be digging. I heard the head of a shovel continuously shunt its way into the earth. Though with how I was feeling at the time, it sounded more like a kick pedal against a bass drum in my ears.

Peace and quiet just didn't seem to fucking exist. Even all the way out here in this rural _graveyard_.

I sat up with a grumble from both my mouth and stomach as I made my way back inside, slamming the door closed to get away from the incessant abundance of noise the neighbour was making.

But of course, even if I could avoid one thing, I couldn't afford the other as my eyes cast over the mess inside. I walked past it, going back to the bedroom and slumped myself down on the bed again. I reached for my phone, not even feeling sure I wanted to see how many more times my father had likely tried to call me again.

But I did check and it was only once. He did, however, leave a voice message.

"Don't even think about driving that car any more than you already have! I've deregistered it. If the cops catch you in it, _you'll_ be paying the $100 fine. I've cut your allowance back even further. You are on **_very_** thin ice, Beomgyu! Go do som-"

I ended the voice message, not bothering to listen to the rest of it. Him taking the registration off the car didn't surprise me, but nor did it worry me too much. Cops really bothered patrolling the outskirts? I suppose to stop and help the 90-year-old's who crash their cars into lamp posts, sure.

But.. the fact that my father had cut my allowance even further..

I opened up my banking app, logging in with my fingerprint and I thought there must have been some kind of error. My savings account was gone. My credit card had been blocked. But the _cheque_ account.

"$100?!" I yelled to myself in the small room in complete disbelief.

I force-closed the banking app and reopened it, hoping it was just some technical mishap, but I was yet again met with the 3 numbered digits.

This is an **_outrage_**.

What the _fuck_ is $100 going to give me? People living off government hand-outs received more. I may as well _actually_ be homeless.

"To **_hell_** with him!!" I threw my phone across the room, watching it hit a wall and leave a small indent against it. The phone, of course, didn't care, in its protective case.

I flopped back onto the bed and pulled the duvet and sheets around me, rolling myself into an angry burrito. I let out perhaps the deepest sigh I had ever exhaled and kicked and punched the bedding around myself. I must have looked like a cat stuck in a bag. Technically, though.. Where was the lie?

I _was_ stuck. I didn't want to be around Yeonjun and Soobin _or_ their relationship. I couldn't go back home. I had no other close friends I could live with that I trusted. My only option was...

I glared into the white sheet in front of my face, finding it hard to breathe in the carbon monoxide.

God, I really _did_ have to fix that fucking garden, didn't I? I only had $40 leftover from all the alcohol and food I bought the previous night. My bottle of Vodka, alone, cost me $300 out of the $1000 my father gave me. Coupled with the $100 in my bank account, that left..

"$140" I muffled into the bedding.

The piss-poor amount of money had to get me groceries for the week _and_ gardening equipment. I likely wouldn't even have anything left after.

Everything just felt so overwhelming. Too hard. Too impossible. I decided instead of working myself up into a further state of hatred that sleep was the easier option.

**~**

Jesus, my shoulder hurt. It felt so _stiff_ and achy. I rubbed my fingertips over it and was shocked to find my skin had small abrasions on it, several little bumps protruding from my skin like braille on a blind person's book.

"Argh!" the pain increased suddenly and the bumps under my skin were now poking out in little stalks of what felt like wood.

"What the fuck?!" I sat up from my bed and the solid fingers sprouting from my shoulder just kept coming. Growing, twisting, spiralling around and were soon encircling my body.

I tried to leap up from the bed but the nightmarish branches just kept consuming me. They wrapped around my thighs, my arms and curled around the bed, forcing me to sink back down into the mattress.

"Help m-!" I tried to call out but one of the thorny twists curled around my mouth, silencing me and just kept coiling, enveloping my neck, tightening like a snake around its prey. I couldn't breathe.

I opened my eyes, my body jolting forward, cold sweat seeping through my t-shirt and across the bangs that hung upon my forehead, making the strands stick to my skin. I breathed heavily, looking around myself, pawing at my shoulder and couldn't feel anything there.

I sank my head into my hands as I slowly came back to reality from the weird dream I had just woken from.

"The fuck was that.." I whispered out.

I had experienced dreams like that before, but they were usually just of my shoulder aching, never did the dreams progress to _that_ extent of something actually protruding out of myself. Trying to... kill me.

I thought back to the previous night when I had looked out the doors to the overgrown mess in the backyard, recalling how I had briefly thought it resembled the inside of myself. Were the visions I just saw.. Also a reflection of that..?

... Ugh. It's just a dream. Probably just the alcohol affecting my mind.

It was dark again now. I had slept almost the entire day away. I felt a bit better but _Christ,_ was I hungry. I got up to grab my phone that was still lying on the floor and began ordering a pizza for delivery. Forgoing the tomatoes, of course. _Yuck_.

But when it came time for me to pay, I noticed the _obscene_ price of the delivery for my location. It outweighed the price of the pizza by a glaring amount. Too much for me to justify paying, considering the little money I then had.

I dropped my phone in amongst the bedding and just shook my head, lying back down. Guess I'll just have 'sleep' for dinner instead. It was certainly the cheaper option.

I leaned over the edge of the mattress, blindly grasping for my headphones and pulled them up by one of the earcups. I slid them over my head and browsed through my music on my phone until I came across something that seemed to suit my mood.

[You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iKRnPMgK-U)

_My hands are broken_ _  
_ _And time is going on and on, it goes forever  
_ _So I got high and lived all that life that I have taken all for granted_

I.. _had_ taken everything for granted. Money was no longer on my side to worm my way out of this. Heh. That was the whole _point_ of this, wasn't it, Dad? Leaving me here without all I'd ever known.

_Promise me you'll try  
_ _To leave it all behind  
_ _'Cause I've elected hell  
_ _Lying to myself_

My eyes traced the cracking paint upon the ceiling, the moonlight from the outside casting shadows across them, making them stretch like tiny monster claws in the dark. I let the lyrics of the song taunt me, but I felt a fire ignite instead of pain.

I don't just promise to _try_. I will _succeed_.

My fists tightened around the bedding as my eyes hardened into a glare. It's just a fucking _garden_.

I'll show you, Dad. I'll show you that it's not as hard as you think it is. The faster I do this, the faster I can get out of here and back to normality. You think you can rattle me? Beomgyu The Untouchable? I'll have you begging for forgiveness for leaving me here with the _masterpiece_ I'll create in your wake.

Just fucking watch me.

**~**

I got up early the following day. Showered. Didn't eat- obviously. Ignored my father's warning about not driving the car and fucking well drove it anyway down to a local shopping centre where the liquor store was. There was sweet-fuck-all there. A small grocery store, a department store and a few clothing shops. Everything designed with the purpose of it being _cheap_ and _comfortable_ for the elderly population. It just made me wish I could die before the age of 60 so I wouldn't make it into the unfashionable age-range.

I had never really gone grocery shopping before. Was never my job at home. I was _reduced_ to having to stack my trolley with $2 bowls of instant ramen. I didn't overly like it too much. Yeonjun _lived_ off of the stuff and it's probably partially where my disdain for it came from. I threw in a large bag of cheap cereal and a carton of milk to make it look like I didn't have a noodle addiction.

I stocked up on a few cleaning supplies for the state of the house, though, again, had to get the cheaper options in their plain, bland white bottles with very minimal graphic design gone into their branding.

"What else do I need?" I said to myself as I put my groceries into the passenger seat, looking over the top of my car around the shops. My eyes fell onto the department store.

Right. Gardening shit.

I entered the store, pushing my way past the _painfully_ slow old woman in front of me with her cart. I didn't know there was a zoo in these parts. Seemed like their resident sloth had made an escape.

I made my way into the 'outdoor & gardening' area of the store. I didn't even really know what I was looking for. The only 'gardening' I had ever done was throwing the small succulent plant my mother gave me into the trash that died within a week of my 'care'.

I stood there and thought about it. I suddenly recalled the noises from the neighbour's property the previous day. He had been using a shovel. At least, I think he had been. My eyes glanced over the gardening tools, noting they were all quite.. expensive. I guess since they were made out of solid wood and steel, that _would_ explain the price point.

I wandered down the aisle further, eventually reaching the cheaper stuff. The most affordable shovel I could find was $40. Though it didn't seem very well made. The small nails that held the steel end into the wooden length were almost coming loose _already_.

I sighed, knowing beggars can't be choosers and grabbed one of them. I also picked up a pair of gardening gloves. These hands of mine are too perfect to be ruined when they were _clearly_ designed for a guitar and the leather steering wheel of my $300,000 car.

As I made my way back to the parking lot, I noticed a small group of teenagers hanging around the back of a truck, quietly chatting away. They were the first individuals I had seen who were under the age of 50. One of the older ones, a boy, looked me up and down as I walked, desire smouldering in his baby blue eyes.

Heh. As he _should_. I sauntered past him, holding my head higher with a quick flick of my pitch-black hair out of my eyes. Lap it up, kid. I know the view's nice but I'm restricted access not reserved for the likes of you.

I drove back to the house, knocking back a bowl of ramen to cure the relentless groaning of my stomach and set to work on cleaning. My efforts didn't seem to make much of a difference, however. Considering I had left the stains for almost 36 hours. The walls were clean but the carpet and couch were to the point where they needed to be professionally taken care of. Not something I could afford, either.

I now stood out on the patio, gloves on and the shovel gripped in my right hand, eyeing up the garden. The hard glare I gave the bark of the trees burned hot enough to almost set them on fire.

Time to make my father sorry for _ever_ thinking he could abandon me here.

I strutted down the steps to the edge of where the dense chaos began and plunged the end of the shovel into the hardened ground. I tried to pull it back towards myself to lift the earth up but it wouldn't budge.

"Jesus Christ.." I grumbled to myself, pulling the steel out of the dirt and tried again.

But once more, the earth wouldn't move.

"Oh, what the _fuck_ gives?!" I spat.

My attention was then turned to the sound of _giggling_ coming from the neighbour's backyard.

"Having trouble over there, are we?!" a young man's voice spoke brightly.

I whipped my head around to the fence, eyes darting to the top to see if he was peeking over, but I was just met with the blue skies.

"None of your Goddamn business!" I retaliated and he just giggled again in response.

_Dick._

I moved from my original starting spot and began shunting the shovel end into the ground underneath a dead rose bush. I tried with all my might to pull the handle back towards myself, but the tool just began to _creak_ in response, not agreeing with the movement.

I gritted my teeth together, letting out a seething sigh as I was about ready to give up until the annoyance over the fence spoke to me again.

"Sounds to me like your angle of entry is wrong!" the voice spoke with enough radiance to be the sun, itself.

My angle of entry? This isn't fucking _bowling_.

"Try lowering the tip of the shovel to a 45-degree angle. It will go into the dirt smoother, cut through the roots and also make it easier to pull back!" he continued with a _stupid_ amount of enthusiasm.

Hmph.

I didn't _need_ his help. I could have eventually figured that out on my own. That was _obvious_.

I lowered my angle of the shovel, pushing it through the ground and heard the thick roots of the shrub break apart.

Good. Stubborn little _bitch_ of a plant. I'll show you.

I pulled back on the handle but to my dismay, the wooden pole broke clean off from the steel and I stumbled backwards into a different rose bush at my back, feeling the thorns dig into my skin, piercing it.

"Argh!.. God fucking **_damn it!!_** " I essentially _screamed_ into the atmosphere.

"Are you okay? Sounds like your shovel broke" the neighbour asked, genuine concern in his voice.

I didn't reply. I sat there, staring at my broken equipment and felt the frustration simmer up to a boiling point as I forced myself up, the rose thorns ripping at my t-shirt and my skin.

"FUCK THIS!" I gripped the wooden handle of the shovel and hurled it deep into the thick mass of shrubs.

The neighbour just _laughed_ at me. Again.

"And **_fuck you!!"_** I yelled at him, hands balled into fists, feet stomping along the grass with a further grumble from my mouth with each and every step.

I slammed the sliding doors closed behind myself, sitting in a cross-legged position upon the couch, arms folded across my chest, eyebrows frowned as I stared at the bare wall.

Just fucking _perfect_. The only tool I had available to me was broken and I had to put up with that.. that.. **_Imbecile_** over the fence laughing at me.

That idiot doesn't know anything. How could he? Pottery-making-garden-loving _fucker_. Doesn't know a damned thing about how to run his little business of selling _clay_ to absolutely nobody for no-set price.

I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing I would have to go back to the department store to waste more money on another shovel. I would have to buy a more expensive one too just to make sure it wasn't going to break. Great. More money down the drain.

I turned my head towards the backyard to my right. I could _hear_ that neighbour whistling to himself again light-heartedly. Just who the _hell_ is he?

.. Not that I even care.


	5. Chapter 4

I remained something of a tightly wound ball of unease for the rest of the day. I stayed in the living room, playing my guitar on the couch until my fingers hurt with a _fantastic_ amount of procrastination.

I was just so fucking demotivated. It was obvious what money's worth _actually_ was in this scenario. In its absence, you lost hope. I had checked my bank balance again to see how much money I had left after my shopping trip that morning and was appalled to find that my automatic-payments were still trying to come out of my account from a few online subscriptions I had running. I cancelled them all. But was left with a nice, fat and rounded $0.00 staring back at me. I liked zero's in my account, but **_preferably_** a good few other numbers in front of them.

I had to wait until next Monday for my allowance to replenish itself. No doubt my father was keeping an eye on the accounts too, silently watching me struggle while he sat happily upon his millions.

How degrading. _No one_ should be made to live like this. Least of all _me_.

It was now the evening, I had finished another bowl of unsatisfying ramen and was beginning to feel slightly bloated from having eaten two lots of it in one day. I decided to have a beer too. Just the one. It made me feel a bit better about things while I was busy sulking.

I turned the green bottle over in my hands, watching the small carbonated bubbles slip down the inside of it, beginning to stare off into space.

 _Fuck_ , I was bored. My guitar was barely enough for my restless mind. Music was beginning to leave a sour taste in my mouth with how much it just wouldn't shut up with its life lessons and 'I told you so's' nagging at me.

Speaking of things that wouldn't shut up. That neighbour and his persistent whistling and humming to himself outside didn't let up for _hours_. It was in-part why I began playing guitar, to drown him out, but he was still there, even when I finished. What was he even doing? Was he the local undertaker? Digging graves for all the soon-to-be deceased of the ageing population of this region? He should dig one for himself, while he's at it. Might make the days a bit _quieter_.

I stood up from the couch, looking out one of the windows, but all I could see was the edge of his house and the roof. It was in better condition than my one. The outside was pure white and the edges of the wooden window frames that I could only just see were painted a very soft shade of peach.

I only just noticed that he was the only neighbour I had. There was nothing but an open field over the other side of the fence.

Just as well. Didn't potentially need _two_ neighbours sticking their noses where they didn't belong.

I finished my bottle of beer and threw it into the sink, wandering off to bed for an early turn in for the night. What the hell else was I going to do? Sleep was my new hobby.

I felt pretty damned exhausted the following morning at around 10 am when I dragged myself out of bed. Not for any lack of sleep, but the opposite entirely. Too much sleep was just as bad for you as not enough, it seems.

I discarded my t-shirt in the middle of the night, the warmer temperatures of the season were slowly starting to become unbearable during the night. I glanced at my reflection within the mirror that was built into the front of the in-wall wardrobe. I approached it and looked over myself slowly.

I was tall, but averagely so as most of the height seemed to come from my strong but lean legs. If I was honest, my upper half I was never completely satisfied with. I was very narrow, mostly due to my small shoulders that were almost womanly in their shape and angle. They didn't fill the width of the mirror nearly as much as I would have liked.

I traced my hand down my flat torso, feeling a few ribs under my fingertips. As much as I was lean, I was underweight. Not in an unhealthy fashion but damned near close. I was just a fussy eater, coupled with the fact that I didn't eat much to begin with. My diet of instant ramen would likely assist in me putting on weight, but probably just around my stomach which wasn't the desired result.

My _face_ though. I wouldn't change for the world. I brushed some of my black strands about as I stared at my positively stunning features. My large, almond eyes, compelling enough to make the Pope, himself question his faith in a single glance. My model nose that kept plastic surgeons in the business of trying to recreate. Shapely lips as kissable as a newborn baby's cheek. And a triangular jawline so sharp it could slash the phonebook of China in half.

Perfect. So symmetrical. Not an angle out of place. Just ask _anyone_. The answer will always be the same. I was the prettiest motherfucker you'd ever lay eyes on. I don't make the rules, God did when he blessed the earth with my creation.

I smirked at myself with another flick of my hair, my earrings knocking about with small, metal clatters and I walked out into the living room.

I was about to make a right turn into the kitchen when I saw something sitting up against the sliding doors outside on the patio. I squinted ahead. Was that... a shovel?

I wandered over, pulling one of the sliding doors open and let the wooden handle of the garden tool fall into my hand. Where the fuck did this come from? I looked it over. It was a lot bigger and sturdier than the one I had broken the previous day. It seemed old and very used with how much dried dirt was stuck to the end of it. But it's quality outweighed almost every ounce of anything I could have found in the department store.

I slowly drew my gaze up to the neighbour's fence. Had _he_ left this here for me?

My stare at the wooden barrier that separated our houses quickly became a scowl as my grip around the handle hardened.

He's taking _pity_ on me now?! After I, _quite clearly_ , told him to fuck off?

My upper lip twitched in irritation as I dragged the tool with me over to the fence with heavy footsteps upon the grass.

"Hey!! You over there!!" I yelled. "I know you can hear me, you nosey little _shit!_ "

I heard a wooden door creak open and footsteps come down some steps.

"Good morning! Such a lovely Spring day, isn't it?!"

Jesus, he's insufferable. Would probably invite the Devil over for tea and cupcakes and not bat an eye.

"Oh, shut up! I don't _need_ your help, you hear me?! You can take this back!" and I heaved the shovel over the fence, not caring if it even hit him square in the face. I almost hoped it would.

"Oh, but... didn't yours break yesterday?" he asked curiously, sounding confused.

I suddenly wished I had money more than _ever_ just so I could buy this idiot a clue.

"I'll get my own! I'm not a charity case!"

"But I don't need it. I have lots of others."

I turned around to start walking away from his lack of common sense until he spoke again.

"I know you have a lot of work to do... Why slow down your progress?" his cheerful voice seemed to deepen all of a sudden. He was still being pathetically pleasant but... sincere now.

How did _he_ know about the amount of work I had to do? Little bastard was even more nosy than I thought.

I heard movement and I turned my head back around to see the shovel being hung over the top of the fence. A large, slender hand covered in dried clay gripped the garden tool that led up to a lightly tanned forearm with a white, cotton sleeve rolled up to his elbow.

"Take it," he said in a simple and joyful manner.

I hesitated and it felt.. _odd_. I was always decisive but I was struggling.

"Come onnnnn..." he cooed in a sing-song manner, lightly swaying the shovel in front of me like a bone to a stray dog.

I gritted my teeth together, snatching it off of him.

"I'll take it just to shut you up!" and I stomped away from him, feeling more demoralized than grateful.

And, of course, he just giggled at me.

I threw the shovel down onto the patio with a bang and a crash, surprised the sliding door hadn't smashed already with how hard I slammed it closed again after I walked back into the house.

" ** _God_** , he's a piece of work!" I muttered bitterly to myself as I made my way into the kitchen to pour myself some cereal.

Needless to say, I was agitated, but it was more at myself than him. He broke my pride apart like a foot through a sandcastle and I _let_ him.

I was used to the fool-hearted kindness of people through my parents but they usually gave up in trying to reason with me. Up until my father dumped me here, they were smart enough to not continue arguing with me.

My neighbour doesn't know a damned thing about me. He'll soon realize that it's pointless trying to show empathy to the heartless, the untouchable.

I now had 2 goals. Fix the garden so I could leave. _And_ make sure I wouldn't further engage that neighbour.

What good could possibly come from it? ... Ignorant _moron_.

I reluctantly ate my cardboard-flavoured breakfast and took a shower. As I was getting dressed, I eyed up my headphones upon my bed, feeling a compelling idea enter my mind.

I would wear them while I was outside, volume loud enough to vibrate my brain to liquid so I could block out the neighbour. Can't answer back to him if I don't even hear him in the first place. You're a goddamn _genius_ , Beomgyu.

I stood out on the patio, gloves back on, headphones tightly pressed into my ears, wielding the shovel I would just use from that _dickhead_ and once again stared down the thorny nemesis of the dead mess. I was the armed prince of this land. Ready for battle.

Get ready to meet your violent ends, monsters of the dirt.

I smirked to myself as I walked down, shovel over my shoulder as the rather fitting chorus of my song of choice boomed against my eardrums through the headphones.

[You Should See Me In A Crown](https://youtu.be/Plof0N0163o)

_You should see me in a crown_ _  
_ _I'm gonna run this nothing town_ _  
_ _Watch me make 'em bow_ _  
_ _One by one by one_ _  
_ __  
And bow to me, they did. I sliced through the knees of these plants by their roots, watching them fall at my feet. No mercy. No survivors. Nothing was going to stand in my way from uprooting this field of wooden death. I was almost enjoying the subtle violence of it all, endorphins filling my brain with every thrust of the shovel.

_Your silence is my favourite sound_

**_Inexplicitly_** so- the neighbour's silence was the best damned thing I'd heard all week with the overwhelming volume of my music blocking out his presence.

Just talk to yourself. You probably do anyway, don't you? Loser.

I continued turning the backyard into a slaughterhouse for the rest of the day. And the day after that. And the next. Forcing myself to wake up at the asscrack of dawn for almost an entire week. My body ached from head to toe but rightfully so. I wasn't used to the physical exertion for hours on end, day after day, but it did eventually become easier.

I had piled the thicket of corpses into an empty corner of the yard. I was carrying my very last shrub over to it and dropped it in amongst the rest. I dusted off my gloved hands and looked back at the incredibly barren looking yard that now lay before me.

 ** _Finally_**.

Unfortunately, a few plants had to stay- 2 trees. I didn't own a handsaw or a chain-driven one to deal with those, but I didn't overly care. The yard certainly looked a hell of a lot bigger now that it was empty. I could see the back fence now. It did have a downside though. I could now see more of the neighbour's fence and a few of his own trees peeking over the top. Maybe if I planted a hedge or something along it with something that grew to at least 7 foot tall he could no longer wave garden tools around in my face.

I looked at the opposite fence with the empty field over the other side. I guessed it would make a good dumping ground for the uprooted plants. I didn't own a utility trailer to take it all down to a landfill.

I began hurling the lifeless branches over the side, I was about halfway through the task until my hand slipped around a particularly smooth branch. It slid down and around one of the earcups of my headphones and I was too late to stop the motion of heaving the branch forward over the fence.

I heard my headphones break and snap, the earcup now hanging pathetically by one of the inside wires until it fell to my feet.

"Fffffuuucckkkkkk.." I growled out as the music stopped and the rest of the headphones fell from my head with the sudden imbalance of weight.

"Heheheh.."

I closed my eyes with a roll of them, breathing out an incredibly deep sigh as I heard the neighbour react to my misfortune. My _God_ , I didn't realize how much I _didn't_ miss that stupid laugh of his.

"Did you break something of yours again? You're quite the destructive little thing, aren't you?"

.. Did he just call me **_little_** _?!_

He'd been spying on me, hadn't he? Most fucking likely. Prick has nothing better to do with his time.

I went to open my mouth to spit out a response but I forced my lips closed and just breathed out my frustration. I wouldn't give in to his taunts.

"I gotta say though, judging by the increased sky I can now see from over here, you've done some really hard work! You should be proud!" he said with rainbows and butterflies.

I kicked my broken headphones away from my feet and continued lifting the shrubs over the fence with an ever-growing scowl upon my face.

"So.. now that you've dug everything out, what are you going to plant? This is the exciting part, right?!"

 _Exciting_? Sticking some seeds in the ground is _exciting_? I suppose for a no-life like him, it would be.

"It's a shame that the department store near here doesn't stock seeds or plants, though.." he trailed off.

I stopped lifting up one of the plants and just stared down at the ground. Damn it. He was _right_. I hadn't seen any actual plants at the department store when I was there a week ago. It was just tools and equipment.

"You'd have to go back into the city to get some. Fair bit of a drive from here though, isn't it?"

I gripped the dead plant in my hands tightly. It wasn't the long drive that bothered me, it was the fact that if I was back in the city in my deregistered car, cops _would_ notice me and give me a fine. One that I couldn't afford to pay.

"Good thing I'm here, though! I have some seeds and plants you can have! I always keep extras."

"Tch... No, _thank you_ " I spat at him, throwing the very last of the plants over the fence and turned around to start walking back up the steps of the patio.

"Oh... Okay then... Beomgyu."

I halted with a scuff of my shoes against the concrete.

_What?_

"How the fuck do you know my name?!"

I mentally kicked myself, knowing full well I was letting him get to me, just like I promised myself I _wouldn't_.

"Heheh... How about you come over here and find out? Pulling all those plants out was the _easy_ part. Planting things and taking care of them is an entirely different story."

There it was again, cheerfulness laced with deep sincerity. My shaking, balled fists were loosening as I stood there and just stared at the fence that he remained hidden behind.

"Let me show you the basics. It'll only take 10 minutes. Promise."

My fists that loosened tightened again in an instant, like an automatic response. I turned back towards the sliding doors and made my way inside.

I paced around on the spot. My disgust for his existence only increased more and more by the second.

Not only did I hate _him_ , but I hated the amount of common sense he had too.

He had made.. Several points to me, that I couldn't deny. It would have been stupid of me to drive all the way back into the city with the way things were. Not only could I not afford the potential fine from the cops, but the gas consumption of my car would have cost me too. It guzzled it because of its sheer power and engine size.

And I... I didn't know _anything_ about planting. I didn't want to cause myself the frustration of fucking it all up, just to end up having to stay here for longer trying to fix the mistakes.

I just wanted my old life back. I wanted this to end.

I sighed and looked down at the still-stained carpet, tracing the outline of an imprinted bottle of spilt beer.

10 minutes. 10 minutes of sucking up my pride while keeping my guard up. I had just spent a whole week doing shit I didn't want to.... What's 10 more minutes of it, just to get out of here?

And if my garden fails, it's on _him_ and his failed lessons.

I gripped the fingertips of my gloves, pulling them off and throwing them onto the couch. I walked out the front door and made my way down to the street. I turned the sharp corner of our parallel driveways, noting his pottery stall was still set up. Didn't even look like anyone had come along and bought anything. As presumed.

I took in a deep breath and began making my way up to the edge of the backyard I could see from my position. The driveway was long, what a waste of pavement for no cars. I eyed up the house to my left, it was about the same size as mine, only slightly longer and not as dingy looking.

I passed the front door and a kitchen by the looks of things with the number of potted herbs that sat on the windowsill. Past it was what looked to be a large, windowed conservatory. The sunlight reached every inch of its white interior. There were many wooden tables set up around the edges, pots, vases and other handmade clay items were drying in different stages under the sunlight. Ivy made its way inside the roof from the outside, hanging about in green strands like strings of forest pearls. Indoor plants sat in every corner, lush and full inside handmade pots.

I made my way around the corner and finally came into the backyard. The entirety of the edges were dug out several feet from the fences to the centre of the lawn. A full greenhouse and a small shed sat to the left. My eyes traced over everything until my eyes finally fell upon him.

He had his back to me, bent down on one knee, tending to something inside the soil of the dug-up dirt in the middle of the yard.

He was wearing a little straw hat with feathered, rough edges, hiding his hair and face from me. A long-sleeved, white shirt that was rolled up to his elbows again and light blue jeans. A rustic-brown apron was tied up around his neck and back. He was gently humming to himself once again. He hadn't noticed I was standing there.

.. Hmph. Typical little backways country boy. Probably lost his virginity at age 16 to a fucking _goat_.

He slowly stood up and I noticed he.. Wasn't that little. He almost matched Soobin in height centimetre for centimetre and was quite broad across the shoulders. Certainly would have filled the mirror in my bedroom more than I could have.

He took his straw hat off, a hand coming up to ruffle about the black-ish brown hair that was slightly longer than mine and he turned around to face me, finally noticing I was there.

My hardened eyes softened around their edges as I gazed at him, his initially expressionless face suddenly broke out into a blinding smile.

My jaw fell very slightly as it dawned on me.

Perhaps coming over here _was_ a mistake.


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all going to get a small lesson in gardening 😂

Shit.

 _Shit_.

Jesus _Christ_ and all his angels.

My mouth wasn't even open that wide, so why the fuck did it feel like I had just swallowed 15 butterflies and they were now fighting each other in my stomach?

The neighbour brushed off his hands upon his apron which was covered in a mixture of dirt and clay and began to walk over to me slowly.

My feet may as well have had roots growing out of them into the lawn. I couldn't move.

My eyes were darting in all directions across that... that face and _smile_ of his. His features were just so... clean cut. A strong jawline, less delicate than my own. Soft and modest rose-pink lips. A little rounded nose that led up to the very slightest of ridges across the bridge of it; a small hill upon the stunning landscape. The edges of his face were very square, masculine, lacking the soft roundness around the cheekbones that my chestnut-shaped face did. Little moles were gently scattered across his left cheek and dark expressive eyebrows that peaked out from the slightly parted, fluffy, wavy hair across his forehead.

And those **_eyes_**.

Two orbs of honey-brown, laced with delicate eyelashes gazed at me. Not as large as mine and had a gentle sleepiness to them that his smile shone from with ease. Triple eyelids lay on top, making his eyes deeper than the Mariana Trench of the ocean; swim too long in them and you'd drown.

He was so... handsome yet... _pretty_ at the same time. I couldn't even figure out how old he was with the unique mixture of facial features he had. He _almost_ looked older than me.

I forced myself to look down at his hand that he was now holding out to me.

"I'm Kai! It's so nice to finally meet you!"

It took me a moment to realize I was staring at his hand like an _idiot_. I clenched my stomach, forcing the butterflies to die down and cleared my throat with my thoughts. I rebuilt my guard up around myself, tucking my hands into the pockets of my black, fitted jeans and refocused my _almost_ -permanent glare back up at him.

"Your hand is dirty," I said with a particular lack of expression.

He looked down at it, blinking. "Oh... sorry. Can't really help that being a gardener and a potter!" he ended with a laugh.

Ugh. He may have been good looking but he was starting to remind me of your typical Netflix actor or 90s movie star. How fucking _heterosexual_. There wasn't a gay or bi bone in his entire body. I was almost certain of it.

"Just hurry up and get on with it," I muttered out, not wanting to become any further distracted from the main purpose of being there.

"Always in such a rush, aren't you?" he laughed warmly.

"No. You just talk too much," I dismissed his comment and walked past him to the freshly turned soil of his garden.

It was bare, no plants or flowers present, but had several dozen little wooden tags sticking out from the ground with handwritten plant names on them. I heard his footsteps approach from behind upon the grass and he stood next to me.

"Well... I suppose a good starting point is to educate you on plant types!"

I almost _yawned_. I was bored already.

"Just show me how to plant things properly! That's why I'm even here," I raised my voice, my patience slipping more and more as I avoided his gaze at all costs.

"Oh, but knowing the purpose of a plant is _everything_! If you don't know what you're planting, you're going to end up with an overgrown mess like you once had all over again. Or even the opposite."

"Do you _like_ being a know-it-all?" I shot him a side-glance, spite simmering in my eyes. He caught my stare and just smiled at it in response. I looked away again at the soil. Just keep your eyes forward, Beomgyu.

He stepped forward, crouching down in front of one of the plant tags.

"This front row will be Peonies. They're perennial plants. Which means they'll last longer than others. Peonies don't like being planted too close together though. So make sure you leave plenty of space between them. They smell _amazing_ too!"

A plant with endurance? Good. Less upkeep from me.

He stood up and moved along the row and I followed, still keeping my distance back a fair bit from him.

"This row will be Tulips. They're also perennials and will just keep springing back every year. They're quite low maintenance but need _a lot_ of sun. So don't plant them under a tree or in the shade. They don't like that."

"Yeah, alright. You've listed the same type of plant twice in a row now. Tell me something I don't know," I sighed. Was the 10 minutes up already?

He stood up, humming to himself in thought as he looked around.

"Ah! Shrubs!" and he stepped forward onto the soil, being careful not to tread too heavily on certain parts "Sorry little guys, I'm trying not to stand on you!" he spoke to the ground where the seeds lay underneath.

God, he _talked_ to his plants? Why didn't that surprise me in the very fucking slightest?

"This back row will be roses."

"Tch. That's a no from me. Can't stand those thorny little fucks," I spat as I recalled how they pierced my skin when I fell back into one during my first attempt at pulling the garden to pieces.

"Aww.. they're not all bad! These ones will be climbing roses. In a few years, they'll cover this entire back fence! There are... more types of roses than I could ever count. Some of them are small, some reach my height and there are even some that can grow to 7 meters!"

7 meters? Perfect. I'd need some of those for the fence to shut him out.

"Roses do need to be beheaded during Winter though."

Maybe I didn't want them, after all. I wouldn't be here long enough to bother with them.

"Oh! Oh! AND-" he perked up excitedly, barely able to hold in the enthusiasm as he rushed over to the fence that separated our properties. "There are different ways of growing plants too!"

He now stood next to a small tree that was being pinned to the fence with lots of metal clamps. "C'mere!" he beckoned me over.

I didn't even need to _try_ to roll my eyes anymore, it was now becoming a natural response to his cheer. I dragged my feet along the lawn in long strides and stood several feet back from him with my arms folded.

"This display is called _espalier_. This is a crab apple tree that I've trained to grow in a certain way. You see these little metal tags holding the branches in place?" he pointed to them, his eyes bright and shimmering at me with excitement.

"Mm," I replied simply.

"They _train_ the tree to grow how you want it. You can create any shape you want! Pretty neat, huh?!"

He may as well have just told me that _velcro_ shoes were cool.

"Crab apples aren't really that good for eating, but you can turn them into jelly and jam! I have it on my toast in the morning!" his smile stretched as wide as the tree against the fence did.

"Useless information. Time's ticking, you know" and I looked away from his smile, not liking the feeling it gave me as it stirred up the winged insects in my stomach momentarily.

He looked behind himself over his shoulder and pointed to a few, shorter grey-ish blue trees in the far back corner.

"Those are conifer trees. People tend to use them for Bonsai specimens. But some varieties make a really pretty hedge too. They're thick and lush and have such a great scent to them. But.. most of them do take a while to grow."

"Not interested then. I need the plants to grow _fast_."

"Oh.. well have you considered maybe growing some fruit and vegetables then? You'll set yourself up with a good food supply too!"

I was about to open my mouth to reply but he was grabbing my wrist and I was being pulled behind him rather unwillingly towards the direction of his greenhouse in the far left corner of the yard.

I forced my forearm out of his grasp and brushed the small traces of dirt he left upon my skin off. Grubby brat.

He pushed the door of the greenhouse open and stood to the side, holding a hand out for me to walk through.

"Come in," he said and his smile seemed to settle down all of a sudden, his eyebrow arching almost charismatically at me.

It was just a hot day. My cheeks are _not_ blushing. Why the fuck would they?

I walked forward and through the door and he followed in behind me, closing it. God it was humid. I could barely breathe in there. Nor could I move around much, it was so crowded with various vegetables, fruits and what looked to be succulent plants growing in pots all around.

I felt his hand upon my shoulder to let me know he was pushing past me and I briefly felt his chest brush up against my arm as he went. Fuck. Being this close to him in such a confined space was not doing great things for my heart that wouldn't _settle the fuck down_ _already_.

"This region is hot enough to grow all of these outside, but I like to keep them separate from the other plants as they have different soil needs. But you _could_ create an 'edibles' corner in your garden if you want!"

It was... strangely.. Almost tempting to me. If I could grow my own food, I wouldn't need to waste the pitifully little amount of money I received each week on ramen or cereal.

"I mostly grow various berries, grapes and tomatoes!"

The tomatoes were a **_strong_** 'no'.

He was looking up above him at a particularly tall tomato plant that was stretching from one side of the greenhouse to the other and he reached up with ease to grab one of them off the vine, tossing it up and down in his hand like a tiny tennis ball and returned his gaze to me.

"These are cherry tomatoes. Would you like to try one?" and he suddenly held it out to me.

"No. I hate tomatoes."

"Aww.. trust me. You'll _like_ these. They taste absolutely nothing like the ones you find in grocery stores."

He was walking closer to me and I backed up until I couldn't any further, bumping into a plant at my back, but he just kept coming.

Fuck.

He stood over me, smiling down at me and I couldn't believe how much my nerves were almost shaking from the close proximity. He brought the small tomato up to my mouth, hovering it a few inches away from my lips.

"Open up," he spoke softly, almost a whisper and I... was definitely blushing now. His deep eyes gazed into my own, eyelashes batting at me and gave a flash of a charming smile.

My hand shot up, knocking his own away from me and I tried to regain some composure.

"I said I don't like them!" and I hardened my gaze at him, trying to stare him down with as much intimidation as I could but I didn't even seem to leave a scuff upon his unbreakable optimism.

His smile only brightened further, unaffected by me and he was looking down at the chest pocket of my t-shirt.

"Have it later then!" and he popped the small tomato into the pocket without further thought and pushed the door back open.

I rushed out with several deep breaths as I put as much distance between us as possible. I felt a bit dizzy and told myself that it was just the humidity in the greenhouse. _Certainly_ wasn't because of anything else.

"I guess I should finally show you how to plant things, huh?" he said as he closed the door behind himself.

I almost wanted to tell him no. I was almost at my limit. But it _was_ the reason I came over in the first place.

"About time" I grumbled at him and watched as he picked up a small, green metal bucket and walked over to an empty patch of soil in the far right corner near the fence.

I reluctantly followed, standing off to the side. He reached into the bucket and pulled out a small, hazel coloured bulb.

"I'll teach you how to plant tulip bulbs."

He dug into the soil with his bare hands and carried on "You want to create a hole around 20 centimetres deep. You need to allow room for the roots to grow or they'll be stunted."

He placed the bulb into the hole he had made "And don't pat the dirt down too firmly on top of them, either. It needs to be loose for the shoots to come up," and he lightly covered the bulb with the soil he had dug.

"You try!" he smiled up at me.

"I don't need to. It's simple enough," and I turned from him.

"Aw, stop it. Come here," to my surprise his arm was actually long enough to grasp at my distanced position and grabbed my wrist once more, gently pulling me over to him. I almost stumbled, not expecting it.

"Just do one for me. Pretty please?" his eyes closed as he smiled.

I let out a sharp sigh, kneeling down at the edge of the garden with him directly in front of me on the opposite side of the soil.

"So dig your hole first," he said gently. "I _know_!" I snapped back at him and eased the earth open with my fingers. Damn it. Should have kept my gloves on.

"Take one of these" and he held the bucket of bulbs out to me. I grabbed one and threw it down into the ground and he was giggling at me.

"What?!" I spat and I saw him smile gently at me, edging closer.

"You put it in the wrong way."

He reached for the bulb and pulled it out of the ground, holding it in front of my face as he turned it around.

"See these little white things coming out the bottom of it? Those are its roots. You need to put them into the ground first."

He lowered the bulb back into the hole and faster than I could react, he took my hands in his own, making me sweep the soil gently over top and gently pressed down with his large hands pinning my own on top of the dirt.

My heart repeatedly stopped and started inside my chest. The sun was behind him and it cast his larger shadow across me and I became lost in it.

Don't look up. _**Do not** _look up.

... I looked up and he was smiling a charming grin at me.

"Think you can handle this?" he asked.

I blinked at him. It took me _far_ too long to realize that I had seen a double meaning in his words and I pulled my hands out from under his and wrenched myself away from him faster than lightning.

"Of course I can," I replied with dismissive confidence "If an idiot like you can do it, so can I," and I stood up, brushing the palms of my dirty hands against my back pockets as I looked away from him.

He let out a small giggle and stood to his feet, lifting up the bucket of Tulip bulbs to me.

"Take these with you. You can have them."

I snatched the bucket from him and I suddenly heard a beeping noise. He looked down at his jeans and reached into his front pocket to pull out a cellphone and stopped the alarm sound with a press of his thumb against the screen.

"Sorry to cut this short. I have something to take care of now."

Was it his personality? Because that needs a **_lot_** of work.

"Those bulbs will keep you busy enough for now! You're welcome to come over again and get some different plants another day!"

"Why can't I just have them now while I'm already here?" I asked, not wanting to have to make this a daily occurrence.

"I know what it's like when you're learning something new. Too much information all at once can be overwhelming. Let's just take things slowly, shall we?" and he stepped out from the soil to walk past me to the door of his conservatory.

.. Fuck sake. The _nerve_ of him. Thinking I couldn't understand. He undermines me.

"It was really nice to meet you, Beomgyu!" his smile shone like a second sun as he opened the conservatory door.

"You _still_ haven't told me how you know my name!" I stared him down before he could walk inside and his smile dimmed to a small, burning ember.

"Our 10 minutes is up, though.. Have a nice day!" he shot a wink at me and walked inside, pulling the door closed behind himself.

I stood still for _far_ too long as my brain began to drown in my head. I forced myself back down the driveway and around the corner up my own and down to the backyard. I dumped the bucket near the backdoor and walked back inside through the sliding doors.

I paced once more. Trying to walk off the mess inside my head.

"You're such a fucking idiot," I muttered, but, yet again, the bitterness was directed at myself for my bruised pride.

I threw myself down onto the couch with a groan and pulled one of the cushions across my face as I lay down. I felt something make its way out of my t-shirt pocket and it bounced along the couch next to my ear. I threw the cushion away and turned my head to see the cherry tomato he gave me had fallen out.

I glared at the horrid little thing for a moment and picked it up, holding it in front of my face as I spun it around slowly before my eyes.

Half of me just wanted to get up and throw it into the trash but I kept staring at it, curiosity slowly beginning to take hold.

I brought it closer to me and smelled it. The scent was incredibly earthy and also slightly acidic, but there was something else to it that store-bought tomatoes didn't have. Something... unknown.

I could barely _believe_ what I was doing as I parted my lips and slid the vegetable between them, letting it sit on my tongue for a moment. God, this felt wrong. I hadn't eaten a tomato since I was a child and that one time was _more_ than enough to promise myself not to ever eat another.

But I bit down into it, the insides popped and the juices filled the inside of my mouth. I closed my eyes tightly, waiting for the familiar, horrendous taste to settle against my tastebuds.

But I slowly eased my eyes back open and noticed... it _didn't_ taste like the ones from a grocery store. It wasn't pathetically watery. It was the most flavoursome thing I had eaten in the whole week I had been there. Even more flavoursome than... perhaps anything I had ever tasted.

It was... so _sweet_.

I turned my head upon the couch, glancing out the window that faced his house and pondered.

Had going over there been a mistake after all..?


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a long chapter- but pivotal. Took a while to write. I'm tired now 😴

I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling of my bedroom without any sort of particular intent. It was the morning and I could already hear that neighbour whistling to himself joyfully. The noise almost didn't irritate me as much as it had... but it did... but it didn't... **_but it definitely did_**.

The moment he turned around to smile at me when I first saw him in his backyard had kept replaying itself like a gif file in my head. The past 7.. No.. now 8 days since I first arrived, I hadn't expected my neighbour to be someone who was so...

God damned annoying and good looking.

But that's all it was. **_Obviously_**. A pretty face and not much else. So what if that tomato he gave me caught me by surprise with its taste? Both him _and_ it arejust fucking vegetables.

I pushed myself out of bed, walking past the mirror in the room but I stopped. Something didn't look quite right. I took a few steps back and looked at my shirtless reflection staring back at me.

I brought a hand up to my chest, turning to the side and slid my fingertips down the sides of my shoulders and arms. I looked... different. My muscles were slightly more defined, larger than they had been when I last bothered to look at myself closely.

Was this the result of all the hard physical labour I had done over the past week?

"Hmm.." I mused.

Seemed like, perhaps, there were a few perks to the tedious task, after all.

I headed into the kitchen and poured the very last of my cereal into a cleaned out plastic ramen bowl I kept. I retrieved the milk from the fridge and started pouring it in. As I gazed down at the bowl I could see him in my mind's eye again, smiling at me relentlessly.

I just... didn't understand him. How could someone be so _endlessly_ pleasant to someone like me? _Everyone_ has their limits, but his just didn't seem to exist. What was he getting out of helping me? Surely he had some hidden motive. Had he expected money out of me? Did he catch onto my wealth with the $300,000 car that sat in my driveway? Did he- "Oh, for **_fuck_** sake!"

My kitchen bench was _covered_ in milk. I didn't notice I was still pouring it as my thoughts got the better of me.

Lovely.

Guess my breakfast will be milk with a side of cereal then.

I showered after my liquid breakfast and got dressed. I was about to go outside to make a start on planting the bulbs I was given the previous day until I heard a knock at my front door.

I was a little confused. It could only potentially be 1 of 4 people who would come to visit me. My father, the _neighbour,_ Yeonjun, or...

I pulled the door open, my eyes greeted with thick strands of sea blue and a cheerful smile.

"Soobin.."

"Hey," he smiled sheepishly at me. I looked behind him, my eyes darting around for his baby-pink haired boyfriend. "Is Yeonjun with you?"

"Ah... no. I came alone. I was just.. In the neighbourhood."

I shot up a doubtful eyebrow at him "You were 'in the neighbourhood'.. An hour out of the city?"

He grinned and looked down, his dimples sinking inwards as I caught onto his lie.

"You couldn't lie your way out of a steel drum, you know that?" my posture slackened from my initial shock of having seen him on my doorstep.

"You got me... Mind if I come in?"

I stepped back and walked into the living area, he followed, closing the door behind himself and I took a casual seat upon the couch. He walked through the area slowly, looking over the carpet which was still stained.

"Looks like the guests made quite a scene.."

"Indeed, they did," I shot a gaze up at him, trying to remind him of why I had abruptly asked him and Yeonjun to leave that night.

He gave another shy smile, looking back away from me as he stood with a window to his back.

"Yeah.. about that. I came to apologize."

I took in a deep breath and looked away at the backyard through the sliding doors to my right. I didn't really feel like hearing any of it.

"Yeonjun was drunk. _Very_ drunk. I tried telling him that we shouldn't, but-"

"- But your _hormones_ got the better of you?" I glared up at him standing against the windowsill, his head dropping with my words. He couldn't argue with me and he knew it.

He sighed "Well... that's not the only reason I came over. Yeonjun and I want to know what's happening with the band."

It hadn't even remotely crossed my mind. Finding both of them upon my bed that night and the sudden onset of emotions that overcame me seemed to act as a barrier towards any further thoughts about them _or_ our side-career of musicians.

"I... I don't know," I said as my eyes glanced back out at the bare garden.

"So... why are you even still staying here? Are you not allowed back home at all?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but all of it just felt so embarrassing to elaborate on. I didn't want to be seen as anything less than the person I was in Soobin's eyes. Rich. Powerful. Uncompromising... Untouchable.

I sucked it up with a deep inhale and wormed my way around it "I'm only here because Dad wants me to fix the garden in the backyard. It won't take much longer."

Soobin looked deeply confused as he looked out to the garden and then back to me. "He wants... _you_... to fix it?" his dark eyebrows were arched highly at me in disbelief.

"Yes. Problem?" I deepened my tone, beginning to feel a glare cross my features.

He gave a soft laugh and shook his head "I just never imagined you to have a set of green fingers for such a thing."

"You really expected anything _less_ from me? I'm capable of anything and you know it."

I sat back with my arms behind my head, puffing out my chest slightly as I filled my ego full of hot air.

"I guess so.." he trailed off, turning around to look out the window behind him and his attention was suddenly caught by something as he stood up straighter.

"Oh _wow_... your neighbour is _cute_."

Soobin could actually see him? I guessed he _was_ taller than me to get a better view out the window..

"Like... **_really_** cute."

"He's just a local idiot," I brushed it off.

"Heh.. even so.. If I weren't already taken.." Soobin trailed off as he continued staring out the window.

"Don't catch Yeonjun hear you saying that," I raised an eyebrow at him.

"He'd probably just agree with me. Seriously, Beomgyu, he is _something else_."

"Annoying, you mean. That's the word you're searching for."

"Oh, so you've met him, have you?" Soobin turned his head over his shoulder at me, smirking.

"Unfortunately," I dismissed as my expression dropped.

"So is he single, at least?" Soobin continued, his voice starting to tease me.

"How the fuck should I know? It's not like I care. He's not my type."

Soobin only smirked wider at me "But he _totally_ is. I know you like them tall."

Things felt a bit awkward suddenly. My several _deeply_ _emotionless_ one-night stands with men _had_ been with the taller kind. It was also.. What attracted me to Soobin in the first place.

"Fuck off," I was becoming defensive now and Soobin relished in it. He turned back to the view out the window.

"Poor guy. Working so hard out there under the hot sun.. He looks thirsty. Maybe you should bring him over a glass of water."

"And why the _fuck_ would I do that?! I'm not his housemaid!" my cheeks were beginning to burn now, but out of anger, _of course_.

Soobin let out a small laugh and finally dropped the subject as he turned back around to me.

"So, what do you want me to tell Yeonjun about the band then? We've got some concerts coming up shortly, in case you forgot.."

The concerts I could no longer even pay the booked venues for.

"Just.. tell Yeonjun to cancel them. I won't be able to make it."

I looked back towards the garden and let Soobin piece it all together for himself.

"I'll be back in the city by summer. Better time of the year to hold concerts, anyway."

The tall drummer nodded in agreeance.

"Alright then. Plenty of time for you to write some new songs too, I guess."

"Mm. Maybe."

"You could write one about the hot neighbour," Soobin shot me a teasing stare and I could have throttled him.

"Oh, just _piss off_ already! You're just as annoying as he is!"

I got up from the couch, walking out to the front door to show Soobin out.

"You've got a little crush, don't you?" I heard the older musician tease me from behind as he followed me.

"No. What I _have_ is work I need to do. Now go home," I pulled the door open and stood to the side, watching Soobin slowly walk out.

"I expect many new love songs out of you by summer," he winked at me over his shoulder and I slammed the door on him without a further word.

"Giant ass" I muttered as I turned around to walk back through the living room.

I was going to head straight out the doors to the backyard but I halted in front of the window Soobin was looking at the neighbour through. I stood up on my toes to see if he was still out there, but I couldn't see much. I looked over my shoulder, trying to find something to use as a stool. My eyes fell upon my guitar amp and I walked over to it beside the couch. I gripped it by its handle and began dragging it over the carpet to the window.

I crouched down on top of it, slowly easing myself upwards like a meerkat looking out upon a hill for a lion. I could see his backyard clearly now. Judging by the amount of fresh dirt I saw, he had dug up even _more_ of his lawn. But himself, I couldn't see.

Perfect time for me to get to work outside then. Since he obviously wasn't-

His head popped up suddenly and he happened to be looking _directly_ towards my window. A blank expression upon his face instantly bursting out into a smile.

" _Shit!"_ I sunk down to my knees upon the amp, darting out of view. God. He had _seen_ me looking for him.

"Good morning!!" I heard him shout loud enough so I could hear him through the window.

I closed my eyes and sunk my head into my kneecaps with the embarrassment, a deep sigh escaping me.

Obviously, I couldn't just go straight out there and start planting after him having caught me spying.

 _Not_ that I was spying. That's _his_ hobby.

I delayed my planting by a few hours, putting the time to use by practising a few of my band's songs to make sure I wasn't getting rusty. It was now 1:30 pm and I hoped it was a safe time to go outside.

I contemplated checking for his outdoor presence by standing upon my amp, but I didn't want to risk being seen again and further delaying my progress through my own embarrassment.

I quietly opened my sliding door with my gloved hands. Perhaps if he couldn't _hear_ me, he couldn't speak to me. Quiet as a mouse, Beomgyu. You've got this.

I picked up the bucket of bulbs and tip-toed across the concrete of the patio and made my way down to the lawn. I couldn't hear him whistling over the fence or any sort of digging taking place. But I didn't let the silence fool me into a state of comfort. He was a cunning one.

I sat at the edge of an area of soil under one of the pre-existing trees and began to dig a hole with my hands. Was it 20cm it needed to be? Some shit like that. Surely it wouldn't matter too much.

As I was covering up my 3rd bulb with soil I became conscious of the shadow of the tree above me.

Ahhh _shit_.

It _was_ Tulips that hated being in the shade, wasn't it? Or was it.. That other flower? Ponies? Pennies?.. Peons?... Pansies???

Fuck, I don't know the name of it. I hadn't digested much of what he told me the previous day. I had been... too distracted.

I sat back on my knees and thought about it as I stared into the soil, trying to dig through my brain for the information. But all I could remember was him pinning his hands down into mine upon the soil and that smile.

I took in a deep breath and tried to shake it off. _Think,_ Beomgyu.

He _hadn't_ said that one of the two flowers _didn't_ like a lot of sun.

I made up my mind and dug up the bulbs, moving them into a more open space and began planting them in the new area.

 _'Roots first,'_ I thought to myself as I made sure to lower the bulbs into the ground by the tiny white strands.

I worked away, still as quietly as I could for almost half an hour. I must have planted at least 80 bulbs and finally, the bucket was empty.

I stood up, stretching my back, popping a few joints from having been in the same position for so long, letting out a sigh of relief.

"All done over there?!"

My eyes widened for a moment in shock which quickly disintegrated into displeasure. It just didn't fucking surprise me anymore that he was almost constantly aware of my presence.

I turned my head towards the fence, clutching the empty bucket in my hand.

"Yes. Now fill this back up for me!" and I hurled it over the fence, hearing it land with a small rattle against his lawn.

He giggled and I heard him pick it up. "What kind of plants do you want?"

"I don't fucking know! Just anything that grows fast!"

"Hmmm..." he mused to himself a little too happily. _Always_ too happily.

"How about Peonies then?!"

Peonies. _That_ was the other one.

"Whatever. Just hurry it up." I stood there with my arms crossed, tapping my foot against the grass.

I heard scraping sounds from the metal bucket likely being filled with what sounded like more bulbs. I waited impatiently for him to hand the bucket back over the fence, but he never did.

"Are you going to give that bucket back or what?" I lowered my tone at him.

"Oh! I thought you were going to come over and get it!"

Fuck me, he's clueless.

"I _hardly_ think that's necessary. Give it here."

"But you need another planting lesson! They can't be planted like those Tulips."

My jaw was beginning to hurt with how much I gritted my teeth.

"Just tell me over the fence!"

"Oh, but a physical demonstration is a _much_ better idea, don't you think?! Come on over!"

My lungs wanted to burst with how much air I drew in, my head falling all the way back over my shoulders as I squinted my eyes closed.

Not again. God, give me **_strength_**.

I exhaled with a deep groan of exasperation as I avertedly began making my way down my driveway. I turned the corner into his. Still, the same vases sat upon his stall against his fence. One of them even had a spider web weaved onto the side of it now.

I walked up past his kitchen and conservatory again. The door of it was open this time, I briefly glanced inside of it. I could see a pedal pottery wheel with a half-made vase sitting in its centre and a large bowl of water sitting beside it. I just really didn't see the appeal in such a career. Working with your hands all damned day. Though... technically... isn't that what I did with playing guitar, anyway? At least it wasn't messy and dirty. Unlike _him_.

I turned the corner and he stood there, smiling at me. He had his straw hat on again and wore a checked blue and white cotton bandana tied up into a bow around his neck. Same white shirt. Same blue jeans. Same _horrendously_ grubby apron tied up around himself that fell to his knees.

"How did you find planting the Tulip bulbs then? Did you put them in a good sunny spot?"

"Yes," I answered simply.

Good. I hadn't planted them in the wrong place then.

He knelt down to the same spot he had planted the previous day and beckoned me over with a wave of his hand. I walked over and just leaned against the fence at my back with my arms folded, looking down at him before me.

"So Peonies require a very shallow hole dug for planting. Only about 2 to 3 inches," he looked up at me from under his hat and was looking at my hands suddenly. "About the same length as those little pinkie fingers of yours!" and he giggled.

I uncrossed my arms and shoved my hands behind myself. If he calls _anything_ about me 'little' again I'll slap that stupid smile clean off his face.

He dug a small hole, shallow but wide, enough to lie your whole hand across it. He reached into the bucket at his side and pulled out an utterly _monstrous-looking_ thing.

"What the _fuck_ is that?!" I said with disgust. It looked like the twisted hand of a haunted tree that came to life in the dead of night.

He laughed brightly at my reaction. God, he sounded like a fucking _dolphin_. He finally stopped and grinned up at me.

"Peony 'bulbs' are actually called 'tubers'. They already have their root system attached to them and look kinda creepy, but it's just the way they are. The beautiful flowers they produce above the surface far outweigh the ugliness of their roots under the soil."

I grimaced as I looked at it more. It started to remind me less of a hand and more of a dirt-covered giant spider. I would _not_ enjoy planting these.

He slowly lowered it into the ground and pointed to some small white, rounded bits at the top of it.

"See these? These are its 'eyes'. They need to be facing upwards in the soil. That's where the shoots will grow from."

He covered the horror movie prop-like thing with dirt and looked back up at me.

"When you plant them, make sure to leave at least 3 or 4 feet between them. Their roots grow large and wide and need their space."

"Fine," I pushed myself away from the fence, bending down to grab the bucket and took a step away from him to start leaving.

"Ah-ah.. Where do you think _you're_ going?" he teased me from behind.

"Back home. I've seen all I need to see."

"But I haven't.. Please plant one for me! You got the Tulip bulb around the wrong way yesterday, remember?" he giggled.

"No, thanks. I've got this," I took another step away from him but he persisted.

"If you do, I might tell you how I know your name, Beomgyu.." his voice quietened, laced with intrigue that damn well pulled at each and every corner of my brain.

Did I even still care that he somehow knew who I was? Hmph... maybe it would put an end to my frustration about it all.

I turned around and walked back over to his still-kneeled position, sinking down to my own knees and did _exactly_ how he had done the task shown to me.

"See? I _can_ handle this," I brought a gloved hand up to my nose, wiping away a small bead of sweat from across it due to the hot temperature of the day.

"So you can..." he smiled softly and was suddenly looking down at my nose and his smile changed into a grin as he seemed to notice something.

"What are you looking at?" I glared at him.

He then reached up to the bandana tied around his neck and pulled it loose, flicking it out into its square shape and was suddenly moving closer to me. Before I could react, he wiped it across the end of my nose.

"The fuck are you doing?!" I jolted backwards.

"You had dirt on your nose, silly!"

"Tch.. you're one to talk," I said as I eyed up his almost permanently stained apron.

His eyes were suddenly moving across my face and heaven's above I did _not_ need a further image in my head of him staring at me in a particular way playing on repeat. His eyes seemed to settle on the side of my head, his eyebrows pinched together, almost looking worried.

"Your ears are red."

Fuck. I wasn't blushing, was I? No. Couldn't have been. But shit, I was beginning to.

"They're sunburnt," he carried on and it lessened my worry momentarily.

My ears... _did_ kind of hurt. I had been out in the sun planting without any sort of sunscreen lotion or hat on to protect my skin.

"Wait here a second," he said softly and got up to walk away from me to his greenhouse.

Ugh. Did he think _tomatoes_ were going to make me feel better?

He returned a few short moments later, carrying a long, lime green stem of a plant in his hand.

"Take this home with you. It's Aloe Vera. Use the flesh of the inside of it on your sunburn, it'll soothe the pain."

I blinked down at his hand holding the cutting of the plant out to me. I slowly, reluctantly took it. He was.. Trying to take care of me?

"And if you're going to plant things in the middle of the day, make sure to wear a hat!" he smiled brightly, his enthusiasm sparking back up again. He took his straw hat off his head and was suddenly lowering it down onto my own and he _laughed_ at the sight of me.

My hands were full, I couldn't even take the damned thing off me.

"Look at you! So cute!" he giggled.

 ** _"Pardon?"_** I scowled up at him.

"You look so small, cute and round in my hat! Like a little button!" and he ended his pathetic gushing with a tap of his finger onto the end of my nose.

The fiery pits of Hell roared inside of me with his actions and words. I could have murdered him. I could have dug a hole right then and there and thrown him into it and covered it with concrete. The _absolute_ nerve of this fucker.

"I hate you. I hope you know that" was the best I could give him.

"Aww.. I doubt that! Not when I've been so helpful to you!" his charismatic grin shone at me again and I just wanted to kick his face in.

" _Why_ are you even helping me? And damn it, _tell me_ how you know my name already," I stared him down, my fingers almost hurting with how hard I gripped the handle of the bucket.

His cheerful expression settled and for _once_.. He looked thoughtful. Deeply thoughtful. I could almost see the cogs of his brain struggling. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted with a familiar noise I had heard the day before. His phone beeped at him.

He blinked down at his jeans, bringing his phone out to stop the alarm.

"I did... only say I _might_ tell you how I know your name.." and he was suddenly _smirking_ at me.

That is ** _it_**. I really am going to kill him.

I was about to drop everything in my hands to launch myself at him until I heard a vehicle pull up his driveway. I turned my head to it, immediately becoming distracted by the sound.

"Sorry, again. There's something I need to go do now."

I turned back around to him and he was walking away from me and into his conservatory. "Have a lovely afternoon, button!" he said with a wave of his hand and a close of his door.

 _Button?_ Fucking _seriously?!_ That's his nickname for me now?!

"UGH!" I groaned and began stomping my way back down his driveway. My momentary anger had distracted me from the fact that someone had pulled up in a car. I saw a large, white sedan. My eyes were immediately drawn to the registration plate.

**KANG-TH**

A young man stepped out of the driver's seat, about my own height and build but perhaps slightly shorter. He wore a light blue suit with a white shirt and silver tie. It was well-tailored. Expensive. Not something unlike my father would wear. Two very large, dark eyes stared at me as he saw me approaching. White blonde hair was styled to one side of his.. Rather handsome face. I almost felt as starstruck as I did when I had first seen the neighbour. _Almost_.

"Hello," he said simply, to the point, not much else to it.

His large eyes flicked across my face for a moment from corner to corner before walking up to the neighbour's front door.

"Your dark eye circles tell me you're iron deficient. Eat more red meat or leafy greens. And try to stay out of direct sunlight."

I stopped and looked at him impossibly.

I couldn't even _say_ anything in response as he just walked straight into the house without so much as a knock on the door as he closed it behind himself.

....

Who in the ** _fuck_** is this smart-ass little bastard?!

I slowly began walking back down the driveway, almost tripping over a small curve in it as my eyes became distracted from looking at his car. It was modern. Luxurious. Nothing in comparison to my own but still not something to shake a stick at. This guy had _money_. That, I was certain of. _And_ a rotten attitude to boot.

Yet again, as I made my way back over the parallel driveways to my house, my mind was full of conundrums. Even more than the previous day.

I threw down the bucket at the backdoor, tossing the hat down with it and removed my gloves, bringing the stem of Aloe Vera into the house with me.

I'm not sure what I was feeling. Pissed off? Obviously. Confused? Yes. Curious? ... Hmph.

I went into my kitchen, distracting myself with cutting up the Aloe Vera stem and rubbed some of its insides onto my ears. It... _did_ soothe them. Less harsh than an ice pack but even more efficient than one, too. I put the remains of it inside my fridge to keep it chilled and wandered back out to the backyard to start planting those _abominations_ of terrible looking things inside the bucket.

I was half-way through the job until I heard the neighbour's door open, but it was the front one, not his conservatory which was closer to me. I could faintly hear voices speaking.

I shot up from my kneeled position and edged quietly to the fence, pressing my ear against it so see if I could hear what was being said, but I couldn't even make out a single word with my distanced position. Who the hell was that blonde fuck?

I shot back inside, jumping on top of my guitar amp near the window, but couldn't see the front door from there.

I got down, rushing into my bedroom and stood up on my toes again to see if I could get a better view, but I was too short. I looked behind myself at the bed, climbing up on top of it and I could now see the two of them standing in the doorway of the neighbour's front door. I kept my head low on the off-chance either of them would turn suddenly to see me, but still high enough to watch them.

The conversation seemed to end and the blonde man was now drawing the neighbour in for a very close... very _long_ hug. I felt my hands slowly ball up at my sides. The blonde pulled back and stroked his hand down the neighbour's arm with his fingertips all the way from his shoulder to his wrist.

A few more words were spoken between them before the shorter man walked back down the steps and I heard his car door open, the neighbour going back inside.

I slowly stood back down from the bed and stared at my own reflection in the mirror once more. My expression was blank. I thought back to Soobin asking me if the neighbour was single or not.. And my reply of how.. I didn't care.

Maybe.. he _wasn't_ single. _Or_ as heterosexual as I initially thought. The body language present in the display I just saw was somewhat intimate.

And it... bothered me.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Sexually suggestive dialogue. Though what else can you really expect out of this Beomgyu I'm writing? 😂

"Thank you, have a lovely day!" the middle-aged check-out lady said to me as I carried my grocery bags away.

I threw the 15 or so bowls of ramen, cereal and milk into my passenger seat as I just sat there behind my steering wheel. I was about to leave but I got back out of the car and went across the parking lot to the department store.

I bought a large watering can. I'd been using an empty ramen bowl to water my bulbs over the past week since I planted them and it was beginning to get tedious going back and forth from the house to collect water.

I pulled out of the parking lot and hit the highway back to the house. I tried connecting my phone to the car Bluetooth, but it didn't want to know about it. Since I had thrown my phone at the bedroom wall a few weeks ago, it was having an increasing amount of trouble connecting to my car.

I sighed, slapping my hand against the radio button and let a random station play instead. A soft acoustic rock song had just started. Not really what I was in the mood for but I didn't care enough to do anything about it.

[Sway](https://youtu.be/gNrlqx-N98U)

_Sometimes when you and I collide  
_ _I fall into an ocean of you  
_ _Pull me out in time  
_ _Don't let me drown_

My hands tightened around the steering wheel. I was thinking about him. Again. Those eyes. That smile. How.. unwillingly lost I became in them the first time I saw him.

 _It makes me so tired_ _  
__I feel so uninspired_ _  
__My head is battling with my heart_ _  
__My logic has been torn apart_

I glared at the road that stretched in front of me. I _did_ feel uninspired. It had been 7 days since I last saw the neighbour on his doorstep out my bedroom window with that.. man.

I hadn't even left the house unless it was to water my plants and that was usually in the early evening. I heard the neighbour outside once, and, of course, I'm pretty sure he heard me too, but neither of us acknowledged the other.

I felt.. Relieved that he, for once, wasn't forcing his presence upon me, but it was strange. It wasn't like him to not say anything to me. And I spent _way_ too much time trying to figure out why that was.

It was wasted time, though. I still had to plant more things in the garden for my father to be satisfied with it. I had only filled a quarter of the garden. Going into the city still wasn't an option to retrieve plants or bulbs.. _He_ was my only option to push ahead.

But..

I had yet again zoned out so much from my thoughts that I failed to see the sudden flashing red and blue lights in the rearview mirror. Then the sirens began.

"Oh _fuck_ meeee...." my expression dropped as I slowed to pull my car over to the side of the road. The veryfirst cop I had seen in this area _had_ to have found me, hadn't they?

I rolled my eyes as I pressed my window button down, watching in my wing mirror as a young female cop exited the car and began approaching me with a ticketing book.

"Afternoon, sir. This vehicle isn't registered. License, please," she said simply, void of all emotion.

I reached down into my pocket, pulled my wallet out and pushed the licence up from a sleeve and handed it to her a little too quickly with a flick of my wrist.

She stood there silently, not an inch of her tightly pulled back brown ponytail moving as she noted down my details into her book. I expected her to be surprised at the name that was on the license, but there was no reaction.

"Do you not _realize_ who I am?" I spitefully asked, my eyes flicking back and forth between my license and her cold, green eyes.

"I know that you're someone who's currently driving a car without a registration, sir, and that's all I need to know about you," she said without so much as a _glance_ back at me.

This bitch.

"My dad _owns_ Choi Automotive Industries! He manufactured the very cars you cops drive about in!"

"They're very reliable and safe cars too," she carried on without a _blink_ of an eye.

Oh, what's the _point_?! Cops are assholes.

She ripped off the ticket from her book and handed it back to me through the car window. I snatched it off her without another look at her.

"Please drive straight home, sir. If we catch you driving this car again without a registration your car will be impounded. Understood?"

Fuck.

"Whatever."

I put the window back up and took off once more, trying _ever so hard_ not to drive too fast with my increasingly bad mood.

As I pulled up to the house, I noticed that white car up the neighbour's driveway again. That guy was back. I glared so hard at it that I almost drove into my own front fence upon entry of my own driveway.

I got out of my car, lugging my shopping with me and waited for a moment to see if I could hear anything over the fence. But there was nothing but the birds chirping.

I let myself into the house and put my groceries away and then just stood there dumbly at the kitchen counter, not knowing what to do with myself.

I had spent the past week either staring off into space or playing my guitar until my fingers bled. Sometimes both at the same time.

Nothing seemed straightforward anymore. I was suddenly a drummer given a violin to play; I didn't know _what_ the fuck to do.

All because I couldn't have just kept to my own business. If I hadn't become curious about that blonde man who came to visit the neighbour, I'm almost positive none of what I now felt would be happening.

I would still be perfectly happy being angry at him.

The anger, the fire... I _needed_ it. It's what kept me going. But it dimmed, becoming a timid little ember with the sight of that man's hand slowly drawing down the neighbour's arm like that..

I suddenly heard laughter. _His_ laughter coming from his backyard and another voice coupled with it. I shot my head to the window where my guitar amp still sat and walked over to it.

I got up on top of it, easing myself upright very slowly, drawing the curtain close to myself in case I needed to hide suddenly. I saw the two of them standing in front of the soil, talking in a light-hearted manner by the bright smiles upon them both.

"Kai.." I whispered out to myself.

Such a small name for such a huge pain in the ass.

I let out a small snicker. Saying his name out loud like that for the first time almost made it sound like I was talking about an entirely different person. He had always been 'the neighbour', almost like I didn't want to admit to him being.. Anything of real substance.

I openly gazed at him from the window, watching him engage with the other male in what seemed like a very joyous, enthusiastic conversation. Just looking at him like I was, was almost enough to make me not glare at him. His sunshine smile and laugh could have made an entire prison full of cold-hearted murderers change their ways.

Of course, he still annoyed me with his child-like innocence, his teasing, his moments of... strange mystery. He was a combination of many things that just confused.. And intrigued me. Something about him seemed so very distant, ungraspable... untouchable; almost more than _I_ was. I almost seemed like an open book in comparison to his cryptic persona.

My thoughts about him were suddenly proved accurate as I saw his cheerful expression drop, the conversation that was taking place in his backyard seemed to deepen all of a sudden. The blonde stepped closer to him, wrapping his arms around one of Kai's like a Koala to a Eucalyptus tree.

It threw fuel onto the fire that still sleepily burned inside of me, stoking it back up to an inferno in an instant. Just who the hell was he? A question I asked myself almost every second of the day but couldn't come to a conclusion on.

Seeing them like this again seemed to trigger something different in me this time though. I felt almost defeated the last time I saw the display of affection, but this time, my mind started ticking over in a calculating manner.

Kai.. wasn't reacting much to the display of affection. He had hugged him, sure, but.. It almost looked one-sided.

Maybe there _wasn't_ an established relationship. It almost seemed like.. The blonde was trying to win him over.

... But he hadn't _won_ yet.

I watched as they both seemed to end their conversation with yet another lengthy hug, but I didn't let it scratch me this time. The blonde walked away and I watched him approach his car up the driveway.

The glare across my face changed slowly, subtly, like the colours of the sky during the sunset and became a smirk.

Heh. Does that little blonde asshole really think he has a chance at him? When **_I'm_** clearly the superior option here?

As much as Kai didn't strike me as the kind to be up for a one-night stand, that's not to say I couldn't try to convince him otherwise. I mean just fucking _look at me_. No one can resist this.

I got back down from my position upon the guitar amp, flicking my hair out of my face and licked my lips slowly as I thought about my scheme.

That little shit had told me I was 'iron deficient.' It was _nothing_ in comparison to what I would make _him_ \- 'Kai deficient'. I never backed down from a little game of psychological warfare.

We'll see who can pull the strings more craftily Mr 'KANG-TH'. Kai won't even _glance_ at you by the time he's tasted _me_.

I walked off to my bedroom rather confidently and checked my reflection in the mirror.

  * Looking fine as hell: Check



A short but honest list of things I needed to look over. What more did I need? I looked down at the clothes I was wearing and almost couldn't fucking _believe_ that I was wearing one of my favourite t-shirts. Black with bold white letters across the chest that read 'BUTTON'.

Fuck sake. I didn't want Kai throwing anymore 'small, round and cute' comments at me _or_ the terrible nickname he gave that stared back at me in my mirror. The t-shirt I was wearing _had_ to go.

I quickly discarded it and threw on another- a long-sleeved, black button-down shirt. I kept the top 3 buttons undone. I'm sure that would assist in my task. Exposed collarbones are the devil's work, after all. And I would give him _hell_ with my visuals.

I smirked at myself in the mirror before turning around to leave my house to, now boldly, make my way over to Kai's residence.

That blonde fuck's car was still there. He was seated in the driver's seat, I could see him talking on his phone in the reflection of his wing mirror as I approached.

Good. Sit there and watch as the games begin, you little shit.

As I walked closer to his car, it seemed like his phone call had ended. He noticed me walking towards him in his mirror and I thought it would be a good chance to throw some smack talk at him for good measure. He needs to know who he's dealing with.

I stopped in front of his door and stared at him through his window, waiting for him to put his window down, which he eventually did.

"Hello again," he said simply. Jesus Christ. The personality of a dead squirrel.

"Is Kai inside waiting for me then?" I smirked down at him.

"I'm not sure. He's working in his conservatory now," he said, again void of all emotion.

Looks like I would have to work harder to get him squirming with jealousy in his luxury, leather car seat.

"He makes some pretty pieces of work, doesn't he? I wonder if he's good with his hands in _other_ regards.. Guess I should go find out, hmm?" the smirk across my face stretched from pierced ear to pierced ear.

The blonde looked me up and down, a thoughtful look on his face. That's it. Let the idea sink in and admit defeat already.

"If you put as much effort into your shallow comments as you could into a balanced diet, you wouldn't have such a sickly complexion as you do. Seems like such a waste."

Ooh. He's _biting_.

"A waste? Like the oxygen you breathe?"

He smiled at me now, but it was more of a smirk. He acknowledged my retort, but couldn't even throw one back at me.

Weak.

I left him to walk up to the door of the conservatory, his car engine starting up behind me and I turned my head to watch him reverse out. Don't come back, either. There'll be little reason for it.

I turned back to the painted white door in front of me and gave it a few knocks.

"Come in!" I heard Kai pipe up cheerfully from within.

I pushed the door open and stood within the doorway, leaning against it as I tried to put myself on display as much as possible, lifting my head up high so he could admire my jawline, neck and of course, my collarbones.

He sat behind his pottery wheel, stopping the circular motions of it and let his in-progress vase go. He looked deeply surprised to see me.

"Oh hey, button!"

Ugh... Don't let it taunt you, Beomgyu.

"Haven't seen you for a whole week! Did you come over to get some more plants?" he stood up, grabbing a deeply sodden rag and wiped his clay-covered hands on them.

No. I hadn't come to get more plants. But it was a cunning idea to draw him in more.

"Yeah... mind if you come over and help me with it? I could use your skilful hands.." I dragged my eyes up and down him. Didn't even care that he was wearing that terrible apron of his. I had to make my intentions clear.

He blinked at me and his cheerful smile seemed to fade, surprised by the sudden shift in my attitude towards him.

"Uhh.." he hesitated, but I kept my alluring gaze upon him.

"Maybe.. Tomorrow? I just have a lot of work here I need to catch up on this afternoon. Is that okay?"

I could wait. I had planted the seed and I would water it the following day.

"Perfect. Just bring over anything you think would be good to _bury_.." I grinned at him.

He blinked at me again and I could have _sworn_ I saw him blush very slightly.

You're too damned good at this, Beomgyu.

"Um.. sure!" he brushed off his momentary embarrassment and smiled pleasantly at me. "What time should I come over?"

"Any time you want," I arched an eyebrow up at him.

"Sure thing! See you tomorrow then, button!" he chirped like a spring bird and turned his attention back to his pottery.

"See ya," I smirked and closed the door, beginning to walk back home.

He'd soon stop calling me by that ridiculous nickname. Hopefully, by the same time the next day, he'd be calling out my _actual_ name to me.

I let myself back into the house and decided to have an early dinner. I sat on the couch, breaking the disposable chopsticks apart with my bowl of ramen sitting between my crossed legs.

I could barely keep the smirk off my face as I ate. My plan was _perfect_. I'd get everything I wanted and I didn't even need money to get it this time.

I would snatch Kai right out from under little blondie's presumptuous nose _and_ get the garden finished in less than no time at all.

What could possibly go wrong?


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: More sexually suggestive dialogue 😂

"What a fucking _glorious_ morning!!" I said, bursting with enthusiasm as I pulled my bedroom curtains open to let the sunlight hit my face.

"Ahhh.." I sighed pleasantly as I felt the warming rays heat up my skin.

I was in the best mood I'd been since I got there. I felt excited. Tingly. The small hairs on the back of my neck and across my forearms were standing on end.

The birds were singing. The bees were buzzing. My heart was thumping.

What a _perfect_ day to get into someone's head. And pants.

I smirked to myself and did my usual morning routine of eating a mediocre breakfast and taking a quick shower. The cereal even tasted kinda _good_ that day.

I spread out several lots of outfits onto my bed and looked them over thoughtfully. God, I really needed some _colour_ in my wardrobe, but can't go wrong with black, generally. I squeezed myself into the tightest pair of jeans I owned, ripped across the upper thighs. I shrugged on a cropped t-shirt with a low neckline.

Not too revealing, but just enough to give Kai a glimpse of what lurked underneath. Can't go looking too desperate for attention when my alluring presence, in general, was more than enough to assist me in seducing him.

I fixed my outfit in front of the mirror and pondered to myself. Would _I_ take me to bed?

Absolutely.

Kai wouldn't be able to resist the idea either.

With one last little brush of my hair aside I wandered out to the backyard and walked straight up to the back fence.

"Are you ready?!" I yelled across to him, hoping he was already out there.

"Oh, good morning, button!"

I let out a shallow sigh at the nickname but tried to brush it aside once more.

"I have the plants ready to go! I'll hand the buckets to you over the fence, okay? Then I'll come over."

"Alright.." I looked up to the top of the fence and began bringing down the various buckets he handed over. I didn't give their contents too much of a look over. Gardening wasn't my main objective that day.

"I'll bring you over some good quality topsoil as well! Be there in a minute!"

I looked back at the patio and walked over to it. I sat on the edge, crossing one leg over the other, leaning back on my hands against the concrete, lengthening out my body as much as possible and angled all my best features outwards. The only thing missing was a professional modelling photographer. Pity, really. I looked too good for a camera _not_ to be pointing at me.

I heard Kai's footsteps coming up the driveway, but they were slow, heavy. I turned my head to see him come into the backyard and he had a gigantic bag of soil over each shoulder. He must have been carrying almost 70kgs.

Tall _and_ strong. He was just becoming more and more appealing by the second.

He let out a small groan as he let them drop to the ground in front of him and stood up straight to wipe his forehead with the back of his hand. I just sat there staring like a rich middle-aged housewife eyeing up the younger, more-attractive-than-her-husband gardener.

He turned to me and, as I _knew_ he would, his eyes glanced down over my body and slowly drew them back up to my face. But he just _giggled_ at me.

"Aren't those clothes a bit too fitting and revealing for this kind of work?"

My confidence dropped for a moment as that was _not_ the reaction I was hoping for. A more deserving "let me help you get those off of you" would have sufficed. But I shook it off and lifted my head up higher.

"The sun's pretty warm today. I can't get _too_ hot. That wouldn't be fair on your eyes," I smirked.

I saw his lower lip tremble like he wanted to say something but he held it back and looked away from me.

Heh. Good. I would break him down in no time at all.

"Well.. are you wearing sunscreen lotion today? I don't want you getting sunburnt again," he said as he began opening up one of the large bags he had lugged over. "I have some on me if you aren't."

Hmm.. perhaps that _would_ be a good idea. Can't very well strip myself off in front of him later looking like an unevenly cooked lobster.

"Give it here then," I said and sat forward from my sultry position and he reached into his back pocket to throw the bottle at me.

As I caught it, a thought sprouted up in my mind. Oh, you are just too good, Beomgyu.

"Mind if you put it on for me? Don't want to miss any spots.." I smirked over at him.

He stopped what he was doing and just stared down at his feet, his back to me.

Was he thinking about how much of a fantastic idea it was? Obviously.

He slowly turned around and began walking over to me, a modest smile on his face as his eyes almost disappeared underneath those wavy, black-ish brown locks of his.

I stood up before him, handing him back the sunscreen and he squeezed some out into his hand.

"Where's the hat I gave you?" he asked as he began rubbing the lotion up and down my forearms.

"Doesn't match my outfit," I said simply. He giggled and shook his head as he continued applying my arms with the UV protection.

I almost expected his hands to be quite rough, considering what he did with them all day, but they were surprisingly smooth and soft. He obviously took care of them despite his career choice.

He put more lotion on his fingertips and looked down at my face, smiling softly at me. He slowly stroked his fingers along both of my cheekbones and dotted my nose and chin, giggling gently.

Ugh. This wasn't meant to be _cute_. That wasn't the point of this.

He looked up at my hair that covered my forehead. "Lift your hair for me."

I hesitated. I didn't really like revealing my forehead to anyone. "I don't need sunscreen there. My hair is covering it already," I said defensively.

"Hehe.. fair enough!" he replied and closed his eyes with a smile.

He delicately began working the sunscreen into my face. But it wasn't as.. Intimate as I had hoped it would be. I began to feel like a small child just waiting for their mother to hurry up already so I could go run away to join my friends at the beach.

But I had one last trick up my short sleeve. My stomach was still revealed. He wouldn't let _that_ burn, would he?

"Now my stomach," I grinned cunningly at him.

He giggled again and I fought back the notion of balling my hands up into fists.

"Couldn't you just change into something that covered it instead?"

"It's the only clean shirt I have left," I lied, persisting with my attempt to get him to put his hands on me.

He sighed with a small laugh, giving in. "You're a stubborn one, aren't you?"

Stubborn? I prefer the term "persistent in the attempt to get laid" more.

He squeezed more sunscreen onto his hands and I could barely contain the anticipation of his fingers around my waist. He slowly drew his gaze to mine, his eyes flicking back and forth between my own and I almost felt my heart stop.

I felt his fingers glide against my sides so very slowly, almost sensually and I couldn't fight off the tremendous shiver that shot up my spine from both his touch and the cool temperature of the lotion.

We were so close. I could practically feel him against me already and I _was_ drowning in those eyes of his now. Even though _I_ was meant to be the one pulling the strings, I felt surrendered.

But in an instant, a cunning grin sprung up upon his features.

What is he-

"Ahh!!" I squealed out in surprise.

He was _tickling_ me.

He laughed that god damned annoying laugh of his and I retreated from his fingertips, trying to put some distance between us.

"Aww.. you're ticklish, huh button?!" he smiled widely and giggled some more.

"You are just the **_worst_** human being on earth, you know that?!" I glared at him, wiping the sunscreen he had put onto me over my stomach quickly.

Fucking asshole. Tickling me. I'm _not_ a baby. Although I was glaring so hard at him I was almost pouting like one.

Fuck him. Giant prick.

He walked past me, picking up the straw hat he had given to me that was lying on the patio and lowered it onto his head and shot a wink at me from under it. "Shall we get to work then?!"

I sighed.

"Fine," I gave up. For _now_.

I watched as his eyes widened and he looked past me. "Oh my god, look!" he rushed past me to a patch of my garden and my eyes followed him. "Your tulips are coming up!"

I approached him from behind and looked closely at the soil. My eyes were met with the very smallest of green shoots poking out from the dirt. They weren't there yesterday.

"Huh... they're so.. tiny.." I trailed off as I looked them over. They were no bigger than my thumbnail.

"They'll get bigger in no time! Give it another month and you'll have some almost-fully grown flowers!" he smiled almost adoringly at the small, green flickers against the dark soil.

"You must be watering them well. This is the perfect spot for them," he turned to me, smiling proudly at me.

I didn't really know how to react. But I guessed it was good that my almost dormant looking garden was beginning to show signs of life.

Kai walked over to one of the big bags of soil and heaved it over to me.

"This is topsoil. It has a lot of nutrients in it that will help your plants grow well!"

He left me with it and started leaving "Where are you going?" I asked, worried my plans were going to be cut short. Again.

"Just going back to grab another shovel. Back in a minute!" he smiled and started lightly jogging down my driveway.

I looked back down at the bag of soil with the large hole Kai had ripped into it. I collected the other shovel Kai had given to me initially and placed it down beside myself.

I tried lifting the bag up to pour it onto the soil, but fuck it was heavy. Could barely believe Kai had managed to lift _two_ of these up at the same time.

I eventually just pushed it over onto its side and began using the shovel to collect the soil, throwing it onto the bare areas of my garden.

Pretty soon Kai emerged back into my backyard, another shovel in hand and was smiling at my attempts to get to work.

"Let me.." he smiled, walking over to pick the bag up with ease and began walking a slow line around the entire edge of the soil, shaking out the contents of the bag onto the ground. He soon grabbed the other bag and repeated the process until my entire garden was looking much bigger than it had.

"We need to dig all this through the existing soil to mix it up!" and he began slowly turning the fresh dirt through the older stuff.

I began on the other side of the garden away from where he was. But I dug slowly, I was feeling demoralized. Whenever I had tried to make a move on someone, I was _always_ drunk. As was the other person, usually. This sober-courting wasn't something I was used to.

I thought about all the beers that were still sitting dormant in my fridge, but I almost _knew_ Kai wasn't the type to really drink. My list of tools to assist me was short.

I put it out of my mind and began working faster. My shoulders and arms were beginning to hurt but I pushed through, now knowing I was capable of such strenuous labour from having ripped all those plants out a few weeks prior.

It took almost an hour, neither of us really spoke to the other, apart from Kai asking how my side of the garden was going. I had to admit, doing gardening in the clothes I was wearing _wasn't_ the best idea. My tight jeans made it hard to move properly.

We finally finished digging and Kai called me over to him standing in front of all the several dozen buckets he had given me.

"I've given you a mixture of Geraniums, Foxgloves, Cornflowers, Poppies, Penstemons, Gaura and Salvia! All flowers that are typically used in 'cottage gardens'. Your backyard will be _super_ pretty by the start of summer! It'll look like a rainbow!"

"As long as it's flowering by then, I don't care too much.." I looked away, planting my foot on the edge of the shovel as I leaned against it.

He then handed me one of the smaller buckets "These are Foxglove seeds. Just make a very narrow line in the soil and sprinkle them in and cover them lightly. Easy enough, right?!" he beamed at me.

I took the bucket off him and walked away. "Oh, take this!" he said and I turned to see him pulling out a small hand-shovel from his back pocket. "Will make it easier to make the row for the seeds."

I gave a small sigh and took it, wandering over to an empty patch of soil and began the task. Kai worked behind me on the other side, starting to hum happily to himself as he did.

It was nearing lunchtime, the high afternoon sun beat down on the back of my neck and I was becoming so thirsty. I wondered... could I invite Kai inside for lunch? He'd have to be a ramen enthusiast. But hey, being inside my house was certainly a lot closer to my bed than being out here.

We worked away for another half an hour and Kai was slowly beginning to approach me. He knelt down to my side and looked over my work.

"Those are some nice straight rows you've made! Very tidy work, button!" he giggled.

I eyed him up from the side and noticed his eyes were now upon my thighs. I allowed myself a small smirk. Was he thinking about them being wrapped around his waist? Who wouldn't?

I turned to him now while still on my knees and he looked up into my eyes with the movement. I saw his hand move from the corner of my eye, he was reaching down between my thighs slowly. Is he _finally_ going to-

"I need this," he said simply and I could barely contain my excitement as I waited for his hand to make contact with me.

But... it never came.

I looked down to see he was reaching for the small shovel that sat on the grass between my thighs and blinked in disbelief.

He... he actually had the nerve to...

He began pulling the garden tool away from me and something inside me just snapped.

I suddenly grabbed a fistful of his shirt, stopping him from going anywhere. He gasped softly, not having expected it and just stared at my face for some kind of explanation.

I pulled him in closer. We were breathing the same air.

"It's about lunchtime now.." my eyes traced the edges of his face and let them fall to my hand gripping his shirt. I loosened my fist around it and pushed my palm over the top of his chest and over the edges of his collarbone. He felt strong, lightly toned and defined, his collarbone was a lot thicker than mine, less delicate and dainty.

"You must be hungry.." I offered my lower lip a small lick with the edge of my tongue and I relished in the sight of the rose-tinted shade of his cheeks now.

"Would you like to..." I shot my gaze up at him, making my statement deadly obvious ".. come inside?"

I could _see_ his thoughts as he swallowed hard at my words. He was collapsing, crumbling, literally on his knees for me. My bold intentions wrapped around him like vines, holding him in place and I knew I had him.

I smirked as I inched closer to him, could already feel the heat of his soft lips on mine.

Game over, blondie. I've won.

"I.." Kai hesitated and there it was again. That harsh sound ripping through the air like an unwelcome breeze of thick, coarse sand at the beach.

His cellphone alarm.

He pulled back in an instant and reached into his pocket to put an end to the terrible noise. A small part of me hoped he would just ignore it and go back to almost planting his mouth against mine but he didn't.

He stood up and turned away from me in an instant. "I'm sorry.. There's-"

"-something you need to go _do_ now?! Something that's _better_ than me?!" I glared up at him, spitting my words across the lawn like the venom from a snake's fangs.

He sighed lightly and began walking away from me. "I'm very sorry. I'll.. be back as soon as I can, okay, button?"

His infuriating nickname for me seemed to almost calm me down for some reason. He was being so soft and apologetic. It almost felt _wrong_ to be mad at him.

I just sat there on my knees and watched as he walked down my driveway.

I felt myself staring off into space, the lawn in front of me becoming a sea of green and I forced myself to blink and regain some focus.

I walked inside the house, trying to distract myself by making some ramen but I wasn't even hungry. I stood there behind the kitchen counter looking down at the steam that slowly rose up through the air, making my eyes water with the heat of it.

The brief calm Kai had brought on with his apologetic nature seemed to dissipate the more I let the steam hit my face, slowly melting my mind back into a fiery pit.

What's his fucking _angle?!_ I had _never_ had someone refuse me. I was so close and yet that god damned alarm of his got in the way. Just what the hell was he doing? Did he need to go water some extremely rare indoor plant? Did some of his pottery need turning in the sun? Did he need to go get his fucking **_head out of his own ass?!_**

I felt the anger burst out of me and I shoved my bowl of ramen directly into the sink, the broth and noodles flying to lye over the edges of it in disarray.

I stomped back into the living area and slumped down on the couch, tucking a finger inside one of the rips in the thigh of my jeans and pulled at the fabric, just making the hole bigger in my frustration.

I didn't like losing. I refused to let little blondie claim him. But the sun wasn't really shining in my favour that day so far.

Something just wasn't adding up. The first time I went to see Kai he had made some flirtatious moves on me. Let's just be fucking honest, he made me nervous. The first time _anyone_ had managed to do so.

But then there was the deeply strange past week of radio silence over the fence since that blonde showed up and Kai not speaking a word to me- flirtatious or not.

Maybe that guy had his claws in Kai deeper than I thought.

But I.. had still managed to make Kai blush. Something in the deep pools of his eyes still stared at me a certain way that I couldn't ignore.

I pulled at a cotton thread of my jeans, trying to break it clean off but it was too strong.

Kai was struggling, wasn't he? Being pulled from two sides. I thought about that blonde, hair as blinding white as an angel's feather. I pushed some of my black strands about thoughtfully and almost laughed.

Black or white. Pick a colour, Kai.

I soon heard his footsteps coming back up my driveway "I'm back, button!" he yelled cheerfully. I could see him in my backyard looking around for me, not realizing I had come inside.

He eventually just shrugged it off and went back to work.

I watched him from my hidden position inside. He had another unphased smile on his face, deeply immersed in planting, like what just happened 10 minutes ago between us didn't even fucking _happen_.

He had his back to me now and I got up from the couch, slowly walking over to the sliding doors and stood within them as I continued staring at him.

I didn't even know what to say to him. He was just so.. Different from anyone else who I held a personal physical interest in. He was absolutely nothing like the men who had been lucky enough to get into my bed in terms of personality.

Part of me just wanted to blurt out to him to get inside and _ravish_ me already but... I just _couldn't_. It didn't... feel right. The mood wasn't there. Nothing about him before me now spoke of any desire to have me. He just... wanted to work on the garden. A garden that wasn't even _his_.

I walked out and he heard me. I took a seat on the edge of the patio and continued watching him silently as he turned his head over his shoulder to me, beaming another smile at me from under his little straw hat.

"Oh, there you are! Sorry about that. Let's try to get this finished, hmm?"

His smile was as pure and natural as a spring breeze but it felt more like a winter's chill down my spine.

I knew I had lost. I couldn't convince him. I didn't even need to ask him. It was a 6th sense. Everything about him told me I was barking up the wrong tree.

He _was_ untouchable. Way more than I was.

Heh... what are you even doing, Beomgyu? Just plant the garden and get the fuck out of here already.

That _is,_ after all, what I really wanted... wasn't it?

We spent another hour together planting seeds and bulbs. Another alarm of his went off and he finally left for the day, promising to come back the next to help me finish. I went straight to bed after dinner and forced myself to sleep rather than think.

I had another weird dream. Only this time it wasn't dead, cold branches that came out of my shoulder. They were little green shoots. Not that different from the Tulip ones that had sprung up over the past day.

Again, not much worth thinking on. Dreams are _just_ dreams.

I woke up the following morning rather early due to the abundance of restful sleep I got. It was 7 am and I walked out into the living area to hear digging. I looked out the sliding doors and Kai was _already_ out there making a start.

He was.. Such a dedicated worker. The corners of my lips twitched slightly. Almost a smile. Almost.

I decided to have some breakfast first before helping him but in the middle of it, I heard a very familiar sound in my driveway. A car engine.

My _father's_ car engine. Unmistakable. Why? I thought he said he wouldn't be back.

I heard the engine shut off, the door opening and his voice yelling down the driveway.

"Who are you?!" he shouted.

My eyes widened. Oh, God. He had seen Kai.

"Why the _hell_ are you working on this garden?!"

Shit. **_Shit_**. He was _mad_.

He thought I had hired someone to do it for me. He would kick me out. I had already stolen my car from his property _and_ racked up a fine from driving it deregistered. He would find out I wasted all the money he gave me because I hadn't bought any gardening equipment.

He was going to take me away from here. Away from the progress I had made. Away from my last slither of a sad, pathetic life to try and get back to my old one.

And away from... Kai.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Mild physical violence. Might have almost cried a little bit writing this 😥

Time seemed to stop as my body became riddled in goosebumps from head to toe. I had dropped my bowl of cereal onto the carpet from between my legs upon the couch, my bare feet covered in milk and random bits of wheat. The blood that pumped through my ears deafened me, my head seemed to be shoved underwater. I was drowning, but not in Kai's eyes this time. Fear clutched me harder than a spiderweb to a fly.

My mind turned in my head, flipping itself upside down and suddenly nothing made sense. Why was I so scared? Why did I _hate_ the harsh tone my father used on Kai when most of my own spoken words to him were a string of insults?

"Answer me, you! Did Beomgyu **_pay_** you to do this?!"

My father was yelling at Kai again and the sound forced me off the couch and I bolted towards the sliding doors, ripping them open and rushed out onto the patio. My father whipped his head around at me.

Oh yeah. He was mad. I saw the same anger in his eyes the same night of my birthday party after he had berated me for my behaviour, followed by the week of odd silence before dumping me here.

 ** _"You!"_** he began stomping over to me, not unlike I would do when I was frustrated.

"Dad, please just lis-"

 **Smack** **_._ **

My head spun on my shoulders, I could see the whites of my own eyes tattooed onto my eyelids. He had.. Slapped me across the face. Hard.

"Sir, please stop.." I heard Kai from behind my father. His tone sounded more pained than my left cheekbone felt.

"No. He is **_my_** son and I _will_ discipline him as I see fit for his negligence!" my father spat back at Kai.

I hung my head. I couldn't look at either of them.

"So how much did this little shit pay you? All $1000?!"

"N-no, he-" Kai stuttered.

"Huh, Beomgyu?!" my father cut him off, grabbing a fistful of my t-shirt in his hand, shaking me lightly.

"He hasn't paid me anything, sir," Kai moved closer, I could hear his feet move across the lawn to me.

"Oh, don't even _dare_ try to make excuses for him! I _know_ my own son!!"

I swallowed. As much as I hated being called small in any manner, I felt so tiny right then; a withering weed lying beaten over the fence to dry and shrivel in the sun.

"Sir. **_Please_**." Kai's voice dropped to the deepest I've ever heard. It didn't even sound like him at all. It made me lift my head up at him and I saw him behind my father.

I'd never seen him more.. sincere. His usual casual posture was standing straight, impossibly taller and defiant. He no longer looked like a grubby little country brat. His eyes sharpened under his hat, now almost resembling a cowboy at a shootout at high noon as he stared my father down.

I felt my throat tighten as I realized he was.. Fighting for me.

"I only came over here to help your son out of my own free will. He never asked me to," he lied.

Of course, I had asked him to. But only because I had wanted to-

"Oh, _don't_ make me laugh!" my father spat back at him, not believing a word from Kai.

"It's true, sir. Beomgyu planted all of this only yesterday. By himself. I was just over here helping him with the weeds. I'm.. just the neighbour, sir."

.. Just the neighbour... Heh..

"My fucking _ass_ , you're 'just the neighbour'!" My father still didn't believe him. "Just _look_ at you! Fresh and doe-eyed like a spring lamb. He probably just wanted you over for sex, didn't he?!"

I saw Kai's resolve slip. His eyes softened once more and his cheeks were lightly flushed from the comment as my father's perceptive eyes caught it just as well as my own did. There was silence as Kai just swallowed and finally dropped his eyes to his feet, his face disappearing under his hat.

"As I said. I _know_ my own son," my father continued, putting a period on the end of Kai's failed attempts. He whipped his head back to me.

" _And_ I know all about that fine you got yesterday from driving the car. After I had told you _not_ to!"

I swallowed and bowed my head again in defeat, accepting my 2nd loss in 24 hours.

"You're coming with me, Beomgyu. You will have **_one_** week to sort out a place of your own to live _and_ a job. No more money. **_No_** more excuses. You've really fucking done it this time!"

As expected...

"Go get dressed! I'll be waiting in the car," my father began strutting away from me but I grasped onto one last final thread as I caught the edge of his suit jacket in my hand.

"Dad.."

 ** _"What?!"_** he spun around, I lifted my gaze up to him, trying to look at him firmly but I'm quite sure I just looked like a little teddy bear, fighting off the tears in my eyes.

"Give me **_one_** last chance."

"I've given you _enough_ , Beomgyu! And you squandered every last cent of it!"

He turned back around to walk away but I held onto his jacket tightly, almost pulling it off his shoulder completely.

"Take the car.. Cut my allowance entirely. I don't care.." I barely believed what was coming out of my own mouth. Who was this person?

My father slowly turned back around to me, disbelief starting to grow across his features.

"Give me a bit more time. Just let me prove to you that I can do this."

My father was faltering as he didn't respond. I saw Kai shift his weight upon uneasy feet as he stood like a wallflower in the background.

"I promise I can," I persisted.

My father shook my grasp off of himself, walking in a slow circle on the spot, not unlike I did when I couldn't believe he had initially brought me here. I had to admit, I got a lot of my bad habits from him when he was angry.

He let out a deep sigh as he cast his eyes upon the freshly planted garden. He must have stared at it for a whole entire minute before he stood up straight, sucking in a few lung's worth of air.

" **One month** , Beomgyu," he turned back to me over his shoulder. "I'll come back in 4 weeks time. If this garden isn't utterly _bursting_ with life then you _will_ be coming back with me. No second chances."

I stared back the same amount of determination he was giving me. He turned back around to look at Kai.

"And I don't want to see you within an _inch_ of this property when I come back!"

Kai pursed his lips together, swallowing hard as he nodded simply, although somewhat reluctantly. "Yessir."

My father began walking away around the edge of the house and turned to give me one last glance.

"Heaven help you, Beomgyu," and he continued on his way back down the driveway.

Kai and I stood still in the deep silence, punctuated with my father's footsteps and the birds tenderly chirping in the background.

I sank down to the edge of the patio, sitting myself on the first step, staring down at the lawn in front of me. I heard my father's car start up and reverse away.

I felt... so exposed. As much as I had wanted to be proudly undressed in front of Kai the previous day, the nakedness that I felt then was deeply shameful. Kai now knew how... pathetic I actually was. I couldn't even argue anything my father spat at either of us. He uprooted me right in front of Kai, showing all my ugly and twisted ways in front of him; the very roots of who I am underneath this pretty face.

I saw Kai slowly walking towards me across the lawn to where I was.

"Are.. you okay, button?"

Just fucking _stop_ , Kai. Don't give me that softness. It's only making me feel weaker.

"Does your cheek hurt? I have something at home that could help.." he was before me now, his hand reaching down to lift my chin up but I _hated_ it.

I slapped his hand away from me, glaring up at him.

" ** _Don't_** touch me!!" I seethed out at him.

Don't cry, Beomgyu. Don't let him see you fall from the pitiful amount of grace you had left.

Kai's worried expression dropped between us like an autumn leaf. He wanted to say something. I could see the words flicker through those eyes under his eyelashes but he held them all in with an inhale of breath.

He slowly took his hat off his head. I thought he was going to lower it down onto mine, but he placed it beside my leg on the concrete before turning away to walk off.

"I'm sorry, Beomgyu," he whispered, gentle as a dove's wing.

He walked away and I just listened as his footsteps faded away but reappeared back up his own driveway. His conservatory door opening and closing softly as he went inside.

I slowly closed my eyes and brought my knees up to my chin, bowing my forehead against them. I sat there, hiding in my own shame for at least a few hours, not lifting my head once. I felt the back of my neck and my forearms burn from the sun but it almost seemed fitting; further punishment for how I had acted since I got here.

I.. had deserved every last word my father said. But I hadn't deserved Kai trying to defend me like that.

What a fucking mystery he was. If it wasn't my body he wanted, then what the hell else to me was there that could _possibly_ appeal to him? All I did was make snide remarks. It certainly wasn't money he wanted. He hadn't asked me for it and thanks to my father, he now _knew_ I had none to give anyway.

 _Everyone_ wants something from someone. It's how businesses operate. It's how cars run. Give it money. Give it fuel. And they will take you where you want to go.

Kai didn't fit that scenario. I gave him _nothing_ and yet he still ran for me.

Was he even real? Had I been asleep this whole time? Stuck in a dream chapter of my life? Thinking I could keep on going like I was, not realizing that one day reality would catch up to me?

Jesus Christ...

Wake up, Beomgyu.

**~**

Time slipped through my fingers for the remainder of the day. I didn't eat. Didn't want to sleep. Didn't want to play music. I didn't even look at the garden.

The confrontational dawn of the day that morning had forced something to shift inside of me. My own mind felt foreign to me. I expected myself to feel angry about everything but the fire felt snuffed out from the truth of myself now exposed.

As I lay on the couch in the dark of the evening, I began to hear music coming from Kai's house, the first I'd heard apart from his whistling and humming to himself.

[Saturday Nights](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3oJYFczNrM&list=PLx3sQc7YekdE77CIrpfcQb0iCxrKcQe2H&index=8)

I continued laying there, trying to figure out what he was listening to. But the more I listened to it, the more it sounded like an actual guitar. I knew the natural acoustic sound of one well enough by being a musician. I could now hear singing, muffled and quiet from my inside position, but still unmistakable. This definitely wasn't coming out of a speaker.

I sat up and neared a window to see if I could hear it better but it didn't help much. I walked out to the sliding doors, pulling one back slowly and quietly and stuck my head out into the warm night air.

My jaw fell slightly as I heard a steel 6 string being plucked over the fence and.. His voice. He was singing.

No way. He was a musician too? He had.. Quite a good voice on him. Very different from my own, but still impressive. Even his guitar playing sounded decent. God, he needed to change his strings though, they were buzzing on certain parts of the fretboard.

I pushed the sliding door open a bit more and walked out silently, taking a seat on the first step of the patio. It didn't sound like Kai was outside, but.. I could still hear him clearly. He was in his conservatory, but it seemed like the door was open. The natural acoustics of the inside of that room echoed the sound to me over the fence effortlessly like a natural microphone.

I shook off my initial shock from him actually playing music and began to focus on the lyrics, my heart began beating faster in my chest.

 _Deep in your heart, all you want is love  
_ _But you never felt good enough  
_ _You got wrapped up in other plans  
_ _But this ain't the way the story ends  
_ _I guess there's certain dreams that you gotta keep  
_ _Cause they'll only know what you let them see_

.. Why did I feel.. like he was singing to me? Did Kai really know the inside of me... better than _I_ did..? Did it even surprise me at this point?

 _All the things that I know  
_ _That your parents don't  
_ _They don't care like I do  
_ _Nowhere like I do_

My hands slowly balled up upon the top of my thighs as I sat there, tears were soon gathering in my eyes for the 2nd time that day. He _**was** _singing to me.

 _Cause I care  
_ _I care about you  
_ _There's nowhere I'd rather be  
_ _Than right here_

My insides clenched around my heart like my organs were trying to crush it and squeeze out the tears that still sat in my eyes. Kai's voice changed so dramatically when he sang. Adlibs bursting out all over the place with such elegance and ease. He sang nothing like me. He had such _soul_ laced with an authenticity that I couldn't shut my ears to.

I could feel his words. They reached me. I let them.. _Touch_ me. They scooped me up and held me tight as I finally released two single tears from the prison of my eyes and felt their warmth cover my cheekbones. He may as well have had his actual arms around me at that moment. I could almost _feel_ his shoulder against my forehead as I bowed it.

I was.. comforted. Cared for.

Why, Kai... why am _I_ worth it?

His song ended and it honestly took me a few moments to realize it had. I brushed my tears away on the back of my hands, blinking a few times and looked at the fence. I stood up slowly, making my way over to it and placed a hand against one of the wooden panels, slowly drawing my fingers along one of the knots in the wood in front of my eyes in the dark.

I opened my mouth to say something but I was unsure of what words to use. What _could_ I even say in response to his song?

I heard his conservatory door close gently and I bowed my head.

Gone again before I could get any answers. Like always. He operated in mysterious ways. Like an... angel that comes and goes.

I thought about my father's final words to me before he left. _'Heaven help you, Beomgyu.'_

Heh.. maybe heaven _had_ been helping me already.


	11. Chapter 10

**_2 weeks later_ **

I slowly paced around the edges of my garden, checking for signs of life from the various bulbs that had been in the ground for a few weeks now since my father's untimely 'visit'. Some parts of the soil were littered with shoots coming through the ground, some were still bare, and some were growing faster than I imagined.

My tulips that were planted a month ago now stood as tall as the length of my hand and had unopened flower buds showing. My Peonies were slowly showing their sleepy heads to the world too.

I had to admit... there was something.. Very oddly satisfying about coming out every day to check on the progress. Some days it seemed like nothing had happened for a whole week and then suddenly, overnight, there were visible inchesof growth.

Flowers are funny fucking things.

I finished watering everything and placed my watering can down by the back doors. I side glanced at the fence. Like I did every day since Kai played music for me that night 14 days ago. We hadn't seen or spoken to each other since that day and I... was beginning to feel a bit guilty about it.

...

Okay, maybe more than just 'a bit'.

I.. shouldn't have yelled at him like I did when he asked if I was okay after my father left. He was only trying to help. But at the time I felt as if Kai had seen enough of who I was underneath it all. I was ashamed of myself. Small and insignificant. The past few weeks I had lived like a bear in hibernation, licking at its wounds from a hunter's gunshot in self-pity.

The isolated self-reflection time felt as if it had done me some good. I wasn't angry anymore. But I wasn't... happy, either. I was just mindlessly floating about in a sea of neither this nor that.

But I was... lonely.

There were several points in time where I just stared down at my phone at the group chat between Yeonjun, Soobin and myself. I had typed out the word "Yo" probably about 60 times but I could never bring myself to press the Send button.

As for that blonde guy Kai knew, he had still visited. I saw his car in the driveway a few times from the view upon my bed. But I began to notice he only really visited for very short amounts of time. No longer than half an hour. Sometimes the sound of his car engine shutting off and starting back up again only lasted as little as 10 minutes.

A few times I wondered if perhaps... they were just using each other...

But as little as I knew about Kai, that.. Didn't really make much sense. His mind didn't work like that. He wasn't me. We were... almost complete opposites. In every single way.

I wandered into my bedroom to grab my phone off the charging cable and stopped on my way out to glance at my reflection. God, my hair was getting long. And _fluffy_. I parted it slightly as I looked at myself, now that I finally _could_. My bangs were so long I couldn't even see out from underneath them anymore with them hanging straight down.

I guessed I didn't look _too_ bad like this. Was certainly a lot more casual looking than my usual clean-cut image of not having a strand out of place.

I glanced down at my t-shirt. That god damned 'BUTTON' shirt of mine.

I slowly drew my fingers across the letters in thought, letting out an almost defeated sigh.

Fuck it... maybe.. maybe I _should_ go over and apologize to Kai.

My only problem was I had never actually said 'sorry' to anyone before. It was a foreign word in my otherwise colourful vocabulary.

Plus, knowing him, he'd probably just tease me for it...

But...

... Maybe not.

I sighed again, pacing around a little in thought until I slowly made my way outside down my driveway. I turned the corner and brought myself to a halt. I looked over his house slowly, curiously. I wondered what the inside looked like. Though if it was anything like his backyard and conservatory, there were probably more plants than floorboards inside.

I looked down at his pottery stall still sitting in front of his fence. He had new items sitting on it now along with the older ones. _Still_ , no one had bought anything.

I looked behind myself at the long, wide road, desolate and quiet. I barely ever heard any cars drive past.

He really didn't know a damned thing about advertising. This pottery stall of his may as well have been set up in the fucking Sahara desert. How the fuck did he expect anything to sell if people didn't even know he existed?

I picked up one of the vases and looked at it thoughtfully, my eyes glancing over the 'KKH' letters etched at the bottom and I felt a light switch flick on.

Suddenly my mind felt _awake_ with the abundance of thoughts that popped up out of nowhere. I gave myself a small smile as I began walking up his driveway with the vase in hand.

Maybe _this_ would be a good way of apologizing without actually saying anything.

I stood before his closed conservatory door and I could hear that pottery wheel of his spinning inside. I counted just as many butterflies in my stomach then as I had when I had first seen him. I allowed myself a moment to breathe before I gave the door a few knocks.

"Come in!" he said happily.

I took in a deep breath and pushed the door open, standing almost a bit shyly within the doorway. I still felt ashamed of myself. But, more so towards the way I had acted towards him than my own wounded pride from my father.

My eyes followed the painted white floorboards until I drew them up to him seated behind his pottery wheel and he stood up. My eyes met his and the butterflies continued to do their thing inside my stomach and had little seizures. Kai looked even more surprised to see me than the last time I had stood within that doorway, dressed somewhat provocatively.

"Beomgyu.." his eyes slowly fell to my t-shirt and his blank expression quickly turned into a grin.

Oh, _here_ we fucking go...

"Now _that_ shirt really suits you, button!" he giggled.

I offered him a small glance of disapproval but I couldn't really bring myself to create a full-blown glare at him. He was just too playful. Like a giant puppy who just came bounding over to you, happy to see you regardless if you were in the mood to see _him_ or not.

He wiped his hands clean on a rag as he continued grinning at me "Did you get that shirt because of me, hmm?"

I rolled my eyes "Don't flatter yourself," and he giggled. His eyes shot down to what I was holding.

"Oh! That's one of my vases! Did you want it? You can have it for free!" he beamed at me.

See, now _this_ is his fucking problem. He isn't aggressive enough with his business.

"Answer me, something, Kai," I said simply and my words made his eyebrows rise in curiosity.

"How many hours does it take you to make one of these? From beginning to end," I asked as I turned the vase in my hand thoughtfully.

He blinked at me and he glanced around himself in thought at all the various pottery around him in different stages of their creation.

"Uhh... Maybe about... 7 to 8 days?"

7 to 8.. **_Days?!_**

I tried to calm myself down and shook my head. "Why does it take so damned long?"

He blinked at me once more. I knew he was confused as to why I was suddenly showing a personal interest in his career but he eventually began answering.

"Umm.. well, the pieces need to dry in the sun. Clay takes forever to dry, naturally. I don't own a pottery kiln to speed up the process. They're pretty expensive."

"How expensive?"

"Like.. $2000? For a decent one."

_Yeesh._

"And this is the _only_ way you make a living for yourself?" I asked, becoming slightly frustrated at the idea.

"Hmm.. at the moment, yes.." he trailed off.

How did he even _survive_ without anyone buying anything? I'm surprised he wasn't homeless at this point.

"You must realize that your work is actually _worth_ more than just sitting out there with your 'pay what you can' sign, right?" I stood there with a fist pushed into my hip and an eyebrow raised at him.

He blinked at me again and moved around from foot to foot awkwardly. As I had presumed. He knew _nothing_ about running a business. He had all the creative talent in the world but not a single money-making brain cell to back it up.

This just wouldn't fucking do.

"Go wash your hands. And do you have a _clean_ apron to put on?" I asked as I finally stepped inside, pushing some of the hanging Ivy out of my way.

"Uhh.. yeah. I keep a few clean ones inside, usually."

"Good. Go put one on."

"Okay... but.. Wh-"

"Just shut up and do what I tell you!" I hardened my stare at him for a moment before glancing over all his pots and vases around the room.

"Um.. okay.." he seemed a bit lost but went inside his house through the door close to him.

I walked over to one of the tables on the far south wall. The vases and pots looked completed, painted and shining under the sunlight. I quickly began gathering them all up and busied myself with presenting them upon the table that was in front of where he worked.

I heard him come back into the conservatory behind me and I looked over my shoulder at him. Good. He didn't look like he had just been dragged through a puddle of mud behind a truck.

"So.. what are we doing, exactly?" he asked as he watched me fuss over the positioning of his pottery. I smirked to myself and didn't answer him.

I stood back and looked over my presentation skills and then back to him "Stand here" I said as I pointed down to a specific spot on the floorboards next to his creations that I had arranged.

He stepped forward and looked back at me, still confused.

I stood back towards the doorway, bringing my cell phone out of my pocket and opened up the camera. I looked at the angle of the shot and then back to him standing there and noticed his hair wasn't sitting quite right.

I walked back up to him and took in a deep breath, keeping my gaze away from his eyes and focused on his hair as I fussed with it, making the soft trestles sit a bit better around his face. Though I could feel his gaze upon me, he was looking down at my left cheek.

"Does.. your cheek feel better?" he said softly and I didn't like the flashbacks to the memory it gave me or the feeling in the pit of my stomach of his voice almost whispering so close to my ear.

"I'm fine," I brushed it off just like I did with a few more strands of his hair and stood back again.

"Right. Try to look... modestly proud of your work," I said as I brought my phone back out to take a few photos of him.

"Modestly proud? That's an odd expression," he laughed, the sound echoing off every surface and back into my ears that almost rang from the loudness of it.

"Oh, shut up. You know what I mean! Just look.. Like you're happy or something."

"Well, that's easy!" and he smiled naturally at me.

"Okay.. face more towards your work," and he did with a quick shuffle to his right.

I took a few photos of him, a few portraits, a few landscapes and looked them over carefully to make sure he wasn't blinking in any of them.

"So... why the sudden photo shoot, button?" he said as he relaxed from his pose.

I smirked to myself again and dodged the question. I opened up the contacts in my phone and created a new one for him, handing him my phone.

"Put your name and number in for me."

He smiled as he took my phone, putting his details in. "This isn't like you, ya know. Taking a personal interest in what I do."

I knew he was just teasing me, but... he was right. It wasn't like me at all to give a fuck about what he did. I sank so deeply into my thoughts all of a sudden that I barely noticed he was now trying to give my phone back to me.

I blinked and took it off of him, sucking air inwards to disperse my thoughts out of my head and refocus.

I walked past him and looked over his pottery again. "Got a pen and paper?"

He went into his house, returning a few short moments later with a notepad and a small black pen.

I quickly did some maths in my head and asked Kai how much his materials to make his pieces cost him and began noting down various numbers, crossing several out and re-writing new numbers every few seconds as I recalled all my knowledge about product pricing from my father.

I rewrote it all out again neatly on a new piece of paper and ripped it off, handing it to Kai.

"Right. This is what your products are _really_ worth."

Kai looked concerned as he glanced over the numbers I had crunched.

"Isn't this.. A bit on the expensive side?"

"Tch. _No_. Stop assuming that everyone in the world is poor. If someone really wants what you can produce, they _will_ pay for it. You undervalue your work."

God, I really did sound like my father just then. I even _looked_ like him too with my hands on my hips, almost lecturing Kai in front of me.

"Keep those pricings in a safe place. Away from your grubby mitts," I smirked at him "I won't come over here to write them all out again, okay?"

Kai still looked _horrendously_ confused. It was almost satisfying.

"Why are you doing all of this?" he smiled honestly at me, genuinely wanting an answer this time.

"You'll find out soon enough.." I shot a grin at him and made my way out of his conservatory with a simple wave of my hand.

Heh. Taste your own medicine, Kai. Not so nice being left in a state of wonder, is it?

I, rather happily, made my way back down his driveway to his front fence. I picked up his wooden stall and carefully carried it to hide it behind the fence instead. He wouldn't need this anymore. I made note of his address.

"1408 Apricus Road.." I noted it down on my phone and almost ran back up my driveway and back into my house.

I sat down on my couch and went through the contacts on my phone until I found my father's personal assistant's number and called it. That woman always took personal calls during work hours, so I _knew_ she would pick up. And she did.

"Hello?"

"Angela. It's Beomgyu."

"Oh _hey,_ lil' Beom!" she practically squealed at me.

Ugh. What _is_ it with people calling me little? I'm 180cm tall!

"Keep your voice down! Is my dad around?"

"No, he's in a meeting right now. But I can take a message for you?"

"I don't want to speak to him. I.. have a favour to ask. A personal one."

"OOOooo, this sounds spicy!"

God, she just _loved_ gossip and secrets way too much.

"I'm serious. You _cannot_ tell my dad about this, okay?"

"Go on," she insisted, excitement simmering up in her high-pitched voice.

"I have a personal project to email through to you. I want you to forward it to the graphic design and advertising team but I need you to make sure it doesn't pass under dad's nose."

"Personal project, huh? Is this for your band?" she asked.

"No, it's not. But I want you to make this _top_ priority, okay? I want it finished in 24 hours."

"... Aaaand? What's in it for me, huh?" her voice heightened in pitch, almost sounding somewhat flirtatious.

I sighed. She was only a few years older than me, but I always _did_ get the feeling that she had eyed me up a few times in the past. She was making it obvious that I had to make this work in both our favours.

"And... when I'm back in town I'll take you out to dinner, alright?"

I had to hold my phone away from my ear as it sounded like I had just told a 5-year-old they were going to Santa's workshop. She didn't know I was gay but I _had_ only promised her dinner; not dessert.

She eventually calmed down and I brought my phone back to my ear "Make sure to charge this job under something that won't grab any unwanted attention. And put the invoice out for like.. 6 months."

Hopefully, by then I could pay for it.

"Hehe, okay, Beomie! Anything for you!" she gushed at me.

"Good... thanks," I said simply and hung up in the middle of her trying to push sweet compliments at me.

Well.. as much as she was a bit of an air-head, she _was_ good at her job. I did trust her to get the project done out from under the radar of my father. She _was_ his personal assistant and had a better idea of what he kept his eyes on more than anyone else in the company.

I opened up my emails in my phone and began attaching the photos I had taken of Kai and his pottery, adding his address to the subject matter. I went through my contacts, trying to find his name within the K section but I couldn't see it.

I frowned as maybe I thought he didn't save it properly and went through all my contacts until I finally reached the bottom. There it sat, one line below Yeonjun's name.

_Your Favourite Neighbour >3<_

I rolled my eyes and almost laughed.

"Dick," I grinned and copied his phone number into the email.

I looked over all the information carefully and finally pressed Send. I dropped my phone to my side and just sat there grinning smugly to myself.

Prepare yourself, Kai.


	12. Chapter 11

I idly strummed at my guitar, seated on the couch. I wasn't even playing a song, just switching between the D and F major chords to stretch my fingers while I kept glancing down at my phone next to me every few minutes.

I was restless. It had been _over_ 24 hours since I called Angela and I still had no email or phone call to confirm that the job was completed.

I exhaled deeply "Come oonnnnnnnnn" I groaned down at my phone as if it could actually hear me.

I began to worry. Maybe my father _had_ intercepted the project. But.. he likely would have called me to give me an ear-full of bullshit about it if he had.

I placed my guitar down against the edge of the couch and got up to get myself a glass of water to quench my thirst from the heat inside the house. The daily temperatures just kept soaring now that Spring was well and truly here. I hadn't seen a speck of rain since I got there either.

I was halfway through swallowing a mouthful of water when I heard my phone ringing. I dropped my glass into the sink and _sprinted_ back to the couch, fumbling around with my phone with hasty hands as I saw Angela was calling me. Thank fuck. I accepted the call.

"Is it done?!" I asked at the speed of light.

"Hey, Beomie! Yes! All done!"

I closed my eyes with a grin "So it's up then? In the location I wanted, right?" I continued.

"It'll be up tomorrow. I couldn't book it until then with such short notice. Is that okay?"

"That's fine.... Dad didn't catch on then?" I asked cautiously as I paced slightly on the spot.

"Nope! I had it all under control!" she giggled down the line at me and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good.." I pursed my lips together and hesitantly continued "Thanks again for this... I appreciate it."

"You can thank me when you take me out to dinner! Rememberrrrr?" she cooed at me.

I grimaced slightly at my promise "Yes.. I remember."

"So, where will you take me?! OH! There's this _really_ cute place 10 minutes away from work. You'll _love_ it! It's got these-"

I zoned out as she ranted on about the restaurant she wanted to go to. All I could think about was wanting to go and see the project I had managed to wrangle... and Kai's reaction.

Angela was still throwing a bunch of nouns and adjectives at me through the earpiece of my phone and I had to interrupt her.

"I need to go," I lied "I'll.. call you when I'm back in town, alright?"

"Okay!! Can't wait to see yoouuuu.." she finished with another giggle and I ended the call.

Even though the project was finished, I was _still_ impatient to see it displayed the next day. I felt so... excited? I felt warm and not just because of the physical heat.

Ugh. Whatever. This was half an apology to Kai and half a lesson he should have been educated on _long_ ago.

Let's see how well he absorbs it.

**~**

It was noon the next day and my cupboards and fridge were as bare as the trees in winter. I had to take my weekly trip to the grocery store to replenish the empty shelves, but it also meant I could now hopefully see my project on display.

Even though I told my father that he could cut my allowance entirely if it meant I could stay- surprisingly, he didn't. I think he knew it was borderline abuse to make me continue living here without any money for food.

I wandered outside to my car, unlocking it with the remote but I stopped before I could open the car door. I... couldn't really afford to drive it anymore. I still had my fine to pay. And I didn't want my car impounded if the cops caught me again. Plus, at this point, it was running on fumes from the very little amount of gas it still had left in the tank.

I sighed and walked down my driveway to the road. I would have to take the cheaper option of getting to the grocery store via the 'Shoelace Express'. It was a long trip by foot though. I estimated it would take me at least to an hour to get there.

And for fuck sake, it did.

I enjoyed finally stretching my legs from being cooped up for so long, but I was pretty sick of it about 2/3rds of the way there under the blazing sun.

But as I approached the shopping centre, I finally saw it from my distanced position. My heart leapt up into my throat as my chest swelled, now running into the parking lot.

I slowed down as I reached it, panting slightly as I gazed up at the 6 x 3 meter tall billboard that stood proudly attached to a pole next to the grocery store.

One of the landscape photos I took of Kai had been used for the advertisement. He stood to the left and on the right were the words _'_ ** _KKH Pottery'_** with his address and phone number underneath in peach coloured lettering to match the light green and white of the photo.

It was perfect. Just how I described in my email how I wanted it to look. Good work, Angela. You've really earned that 'date' with me. Even though I'm going to leave you sorely disappointed when you try to put that lipstick painted mouth on mine. Who could blame her for trying though?

I walked into the grocery store with a small smile upon me. I couldn't wait to get back to the house and hopefully be able to eavesdrop on the _real_ beginning of Kai's career through my assistance.

**~**

Do you know what I hate?

Walking.

 _Fuck_ walking.

Walking can go straight to fucking hell. Especially when you're lugging a week's worth of groceries with you in the 26°C fucking heat.

And. Don't. Even. Get. Me. _Started_ on the mosquitoes.

 _God._ The idea of driving my car and getting it impounded would have almost been worth it by the time I got back considering the air conditioning it would have offered me. And the lack of bug bites. Nasty little bastards.

I was too preoccupied with grumbling to myself and putting my groceries away that I forgot all about my previous excitement for why I wanted to get back so fast. I rushed out of my house and halfway down my driveway I could hear voices coming from Kai's property. I could hear Kai, but the other person certainly wasn't that blonde guy. It was a woman's voice.

I snuck down and peeked my head around the corner up his driveway and I couldn't control the grin that appeared on my face. They were standing in the doorway of his conservatory. She had her wallet out.

His first customer.

I kept myself hidden as I hung back and watched from afar. God, I hoped he wasn't going to undercharge her. I wanted to get closer to make sure he was selling things at the right prices I had set, but I didn't want to make myself known. Don't fuck this up, Kai.

I became distracted to the sound of a car now pulling up Kai's driveway and I whipped my head around to see that bold lettering of 'KANG-TH' staring at me upon the front of the car.

Shit. Little blondie was back and he'd obviously caught me spying on Kai's property. I suddenly busied myself with looking like I was waiting for someone. He slowed down before he could go up the driveway entirely and lowered his window to me.

Ugh. Fucking _great_. What's this smartass got to say for himself today?

"Hello," he said, robotic as always. Wouldn't have surprised me if he had cogs and wheels for a brain.

I didn't even reply to him as I kept my eyes upon the road in front of me, giving the illusion I was still waiting for someone.

"I see you've still got those bags under your eyes, but your skin's looking healthier than it was."

Jesus, what the _fuck_ kind of comment is that?

"Is it your _job_ to judge people?" I muttered, gazing spite at him out of the corner of my eye.

"Not to judge, no. Just to assess," he carried on with the smallest of smiles, his large brown eyes closing slightly with the expression in an almost polite fashion.

I looked him up and down, wearing that same light blue suit. Was he a lawyer? Certainly seemed as soulless as one.

"Do you come here to 'assess' Kai then?" I asked, letting my curiosity for his purpose sneak out into my words.

His smile remained and he lowered his gaze away from me "I'm afraid that's a private matter," and he carried on up the driveway with a small push of his foot upon the gas pedal.

A private matter? It still didn't make any sense that this guy was sleeping with Kai, but he almost made it sound like that was _exactly_ what he meant.

I glared at the back of his car, watching him come to a halt and step out, once more making his way inside the house without even a wave to Kai who still stood talking to his customer in the doorway of his conservatory.

My mind began to bubble over with fresh thoughts about their mysterious dynamic until I shook it all off with a deep breath. Not the time to think about that, Beomgyu.

I made my way back up my own driveway quietly and could now hear the conversation between Kai and his customer clearer as I now stood within my backyard against the fence.

"And how much is this one?" I heard the woman ask.

"Umm.." Kai trailed off, sounding unsure.

Jesus, Kai, _come on_. It's literally _written down_ for you. Unless you fucking ruined that piece of paper with your filthy hands _already_.

"That one's $40!" he eventually replied.

There was silence and I presumed the woman was thinking it over.

Kai, I swear to God, if you don't get your sales pitch into this woman's ears, she's going to turn the fuck around and go home. _Tell her_ why it's worth that much. Channel some inner used car salesmanship!

"Hmmm.." the woman mused to herself, almost sounding unsure.

Kai. **_Say_** something you giant **_fuck_**. She's faltering.

"Okay! I'll take 4 of them!" she eventually replied happily.

**_Yes._ **

"Oh.. wow, okay!" Kai said, even more shocked than I was.

"Your work is so... intricate. I've never seen anything quite like it before! I'll tell all my friends about you!" The woman continued.

Good. Let the 'Boomer' go home and spread his business via word of mouth. It's what that age bracket excels at, according to my father's knowledge of marketing. A few more moments passed and I heard the woman step down from the stairs.

"Thank you very much!!" Kai sounded beside himself and I heard the woman slowly walk away with the clicking of her heels against the concrete driveway. The conservatory door closed and I felt as light as a feather.

I was... smiling. Wholeheartedly. I couldn't even _control_ it. The expression seemed stuck to my face like a vine of Ivy.

I was happy... for him. I didn't even get anything out of it for myself. He now had more money than I did and I wasn't even remotely jealous about it.

He.. deserved it.

My smile only grew wider upon my face and I slid my hands down into my pockets as I pushed myself away from the fence to walk inside until I heard Kai's conservatory door open once more. I stopped and listened. He was walking down his driveway. I turned my head to now see him walking up _my_ driveway.

.. Didn't he have little blondie to entertain in some way?

I, once again, busied myself by looking suddenly interested in my garden to give the impression I hadn't been listening and let him approach me.

"Beomgyu.." he said softly behind me. Softer than any other time he had spoken to me and I glanced back at him, trying to look like I didn't know what had just happened.

"Yo. What's u-"

I blinked and in a rush, I felt like I had just had the air knocked out of me entirely. He had raced over to me so quickly that he became a blur.

He was.. hugging me.

"I don't know what you did, exactly, but thank you," he whispered next to my ear and I was frozen on the spot.

"I..-"

Jesus, I couldn't even _speak_. My heart that had temporarily stopped started back up again and it was hammering so hard, I swear Kai would have been able to feel it against his chest that was pressed firmly into my own within the embrace that just didn't seem to fucking _end_.

But it finally did and he pulled back, my lungs relaxing once more. God, my ribs could have almost been bruised. He didn't even know his own strength.

He was smiling widely at me "I just sold 4 of my vases to someone!" he beamed at me like a sunflower in full bloom.

I cleared my throat and lowered my head a bit. I was beginning to blush.

"Oh yeah?" I said, still trying to sound oblivious.

"Yeah! And she said she's going to tell all her friends about me!"

My lips twitched automatically. My face _wanted_ to smile but I didn't really want him to see it.

"See? A little business know-how can take you a long way," I half turned from him, pretending to be interested in my Tulips.

"Here," he said and I turned my head to see him holding out some cash my way. I blinked at it and then back up to his face.

"Take this. I want you to have a cut from my sale. This is all because of you, after all," he smiled endlessly at me.

I blinked again and looked down at the money. My hands didn't even move towards it. My mind didn't tell me I needed it... even though my bank account told me otherwise.

"I..." I looked at the money again for the longest moment in time.

"Please, button. You deserve this," he insisted.

... No. No, I don't.

"Keep it. _You_ earned it. Put it towards saving up for a pottery kiln to increase production time. You'll need it with your new influx of customers."

I turned from him again to stare at my budding flowers.

"Are.. you sure?" he asked.

"Yes. Now go home and get to work," I turned from him, beginning to walk back towards the back doors.

"You.. don't want anything else from me then..?" His question made me stop upon the first step of my patio.

I scoured my mind for an answer. But really.. There wasn't anything I could think of. Over 2 weeks ago, my mind would have _burst_ full of ideas. Cunning, scheming and devious. But there was nothing now. I had, in my own indirect way, apologized to Kai and he now had the start of a fruitful career. The debt was paid.

"No," I said simply and continued on my way up the steps and let myself into the house.

I sat down on my couch and just _breathed_. I felt good but... I felt _strange_.

What the fuck just happened?

Heh.. I barely knew myself anymore.

But Kai's question seemed to repeat itself in my head. Even though I had given him an answer.

I didn't.. Truly want anything from him, did I?

My heart began hammering again with the thought of the rather firm hug he had given me. As unexpected as it had been, it _did_ feel... nice.

Ugh, Beomgyu... these are some dangerous thoughts you're having. Stop that.

**_12 days later_ **

It had been over a week and a half since Kai had come to thank me. I heard more customers come and go from his house. It almost seemed like every time I went outside I heard _someone_ over there buying something. He really had his work cut out for him now. Even with the increased stress that would have naturally brought upon him, he seemed to remain level-headed about it.

Maybe I _had_ made a real businessman out of him, after all.

It was late in the day and I was looking over my garden. Flowers were in bloom now all over the place. Kai was right. It _was_ beginning to look like a rainbow. The flowers were still small, but showing massive potential. I was thankful as they came just in time.

I received a text message from my father earlier in the day reminding me that my 1 month was coming close to an end and he would be coming over in the next 2 days to check the garden.

I was now only hours away from having completed my goal. My purpose for staying here. But every time I thought about it and began to feel any small amount of pride in my work, my eyes always wandered over to the backyard fence.

This had really... been mostly Kai's doing. I wouldn't have been able to even dig my first hole if it weren't for him, almost 2 months ago now, when I first began trying to tear out all those old plants. He had guided me every step of the way.

I began to wonder... maybe the debt _wasn't_ fully repaid. I felt like I owed him more. But _what_ did I owe him? My small act of creating business for him almost.. Didn't seem like it was enough.

I really didn't know what I wanted anymore. After my father's oncoming visit and him, hopefully, being satisfied with the garden.. What then? Would I be allowed to stay like he initially said I would? Or did he have other plans for me regarding the company?

My restless thoughts were disrupted by a sudden chill in the air. I looked up and couldn't see the stars anymore. They were clouded over. It was about to rain.

I looked back down at my garden. Maybe watering them wouldn't be needed with the oncoming downpour.

I walked back inside my house and decided to go straight to bed. I heard distant thunder outside and the beginning of the rain, though strangely it didn't last very long. It came and went like a train in the night.

Suddenly I heard an almighty crash of thunder and the entire of my bedroom was lit up with what almost seemed like floodlights from a very strong bolt of lightning.

 ** _Jesus_** , that felt close. Almost as if it had hit not too far from here. I could almost _feel_ the electricity in the air around me as I lay in bed feeling the goosebumps cover me.

I waited to see if there was anything more but the storm seemed short and ferocious. Mostly thunder and lightning with not much actual rain. Strange.

I faded off to sleep eventually but awoke once more with an almighty beating upon my front door. I ripped myself up and I could hear Kai's voice yelling at me.

" **Beomgyu!!** Beomgyu, wake up!!"

My eyes widened and I bolted from my bed, racing off to my front door. I wrenched it open to find Kai standing there, his face distraught and he was pulling at my wrist.

"Beomgyu! Your... your garden..." he panted out from having obviously run over.

"What?!" I stared at him wide-eyed and I suddenly caught the scent of smoke and an orange glow from the corner of my eye.

Oh God.

I raced past Kai down my driveway to my backyard. My jaw fell as I stepped closer to the scene, slowing down from a sprint to a stumbling halt. I was met with such an eye-watering _heat_. Then the sound of sirens fast approaching in the distance and Kai trying to hold me back from getting any closer.

My garden... it was on fire.


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty intense happenings, to say the least. Most of this chapter was inspired by music, particularly the song that's featured in it later. Wonderful how music can do that, huh? ^3^ Enjoy!

The howling of the approaching fire engine sirens only grew louder as the flames built higher. I felt like I was standing mere inches away from the surface of the sun as my lungs began to fill with earthy smoke and ash.

How did this happen... And...

**_... Why?_ **

I ripped myself away from Kai's grasp upon my shoulder and sprinted from him towards my ignited flowers.

"Beomgyu, no!!" Kai yelled but I was already being licked by the flames, picking up my watering can and hurling it pathetically at the roaring citrine colour that was taking over my incinerated rainbow of efforts, burning it to obsidian.

2 **_months_**. 61 days of **_struggle_**. Melting before my very eyes.

I coughed, inhaling a particularly large lung's worth of smoke and Kai was pulling me back yet again in an instant.

"Beomgyu! Stay back," he pulled me close to himself, his arms wrapping around my shoulder firmly.

The sirens were a haunting wolf's call in my ears as I now saw the reflection of the red, rotating lights behind me project onto my driveway at my feet.

Kai pulled me back further and I just collapsed, feeling the tight skin of my knees burst slightly into small, grazed cuts from the impact upon the hot ground.

"Beomgyu.." I could barely hear Kai's voice as he knelt down beside me, still holding me close.

The tears that began to fall were almost immediately evaporated in the heat of the fire, my eyes stinging.

"Step aside!" I now heard the sound of a man calling out from behind us desperately and several lots of coupled footsteps racing down my driveway in a stampede.

Kai slid his arms under my own and heaved me up onto my weary feet and pulled me back towards my front doorstep.

One of the firefighters stopped in front of us "Are either of you hurt?!" he demanded.

I felt Kai's eyes glance over me as my own remained glued to the flames.

"No, sir. We're okay," Kai replied, his hand now beginning to move back and forth across the middle of my back in an attempt at comfort.

"Please stay back while we handle this," the firefighter left us to join the rest of the crew, hauling up a long hose towards the black and orange scene of destruction.

Kai placed both his hands on my now shaking shoulders, making me sit down upon the bottom step of my entranceway "Beomgyu. Stay right here. Okay?"

I couldn't reply. I couldn't do _anything_ but watch. Our shared backyard fence was on fire too, quickly burning down the barriers of me and Kai's opposite worlds of each other.

Kai shot into my house behind me, returning half a minute later and I felt the familiar feeling of my bed's duvet being placed around me. I then felt something soft but wet dabbing at my cheeks.

I looked down to see Kai had grabbed a towel from my bathroom and had drowned it in water, patting it at the soot and ash that had settled upon my face.

I lifted my gaze back up to the sound of the fire engine hose bursting to life. I could hear the sizzling of the flames that slowly died back, watching the auburn fade to black as the charred ground was revealed.

"What's the fucking point..." I whimpered out and Kai stopped patting at me with the towel to listen to me. The fire inside of me that had laid dormant for almost a whole month now came roaring back to life with the sight of one being put out.

"Just let the whole fucking **place** **burn!!** " I yelled and a few of the firefighters glanced back at me in my rage.

Kai tried to calm me down in an instant, pulling me into his arms but I wriggled out of the unwanted embrace.

One of the firefighters was now approaching us again.

"Do you both live here?" he asked, lifting up the visor of his helmet. I didn't reply as the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears almost deafened me.

"He does. I'm his neighbour," Kai replied.

The firefighter shuffled about on the spot for a second, his heavy boots meeting the concrete like horse hooves.

"The fire started from lightning hitting one of your trees," the fireproof man continued.

I glanced back at the backyard. It was one of the old trees that I couldn't cut down when I had dug all the old plants out. It had been split entirely in half from the lightning bolt.

"I'm sure you're both aware of the drought this area has had lately," he carried on.

"Yes. It hasn't rained in almost 3 months now.." Kai confirmed what I already knew.

"If lightning hits a tree that's had plenty of moisture, it usually wouldn't be enough for it to burst into flames. But considering the severe lack of rain.." the firefighter trailed off, shuffling about again on heavy feet.

I heard Kai sigh heavily. He seemed as equally upset about it as I was.

"Some flowers are highly flammable. Because the ground was almost parched from the drought, the garden just lit up from the flames upon the tree," the firefighter said, wiping a heat-induced bead of sweat away from his cheek.

"It's very unfortunate, but luckily the fire didn't reach your house."

It did reach the fence though. I watched as the gushing water doused it from my position. There were several blackened panels of wood now.

"Whoever made the call to us made it just in time," and the firefighter walked back to join the others.

I slowly lifted my gaze up to Kai standing in front of me, he was looking off to the side to watch the smoke rise through the air into the night sky.

It was obvious. Kai was the one who had made the call.

I sat and he stood as we just continued watching. My thoughts were silenced along with the last of the flames. Every bubble of contemplation just popped before I could even consider pondering it; void as my backyard.

We watched as the firefighters slowly filtered back down my driveway to the truck and the same one who had stopped to talk to us halted in front of us once more.

"Do you own the property?" he asked as he looked down at me, still sitting on my doorstep.

I blinked up at him slowly, taking a while to answer "My dad does."

"You might want to contact him as soon as possible for insurance claim purposes."

I looked away. What was even the point?

"I'll advise you to stay away from the ground that's been burnt. It will take almost 24 hours for it to cool down completely if you plan to do anything with the aftermath. Keep the ground well watered for at least 48 hours."

I didn't reply, but Kai did "Thank you, sir."

"Take care," the firefighter nodded as he left to join the others in the fire engine. I heard it pull away and drive off into the night.

"Beomgyu.." Kai knelt down in front of me but I couldn't bring myself to look up into his eyes that I could feel upon me.

"Do you want to come over to mine? I'll make you some tea.."

I slowly shook my head, but Kai persisted.

"Come on now, button... Please? It'll make you feel better.." his hands were now rubbing up and down my forearms and I wanted to burst open again in a fit of rage.

But I forced myself to calm it. I didn't want to snap at him again for yet another mishap that wasn't his fault.

"I just want to be left alone, Kai," I said as I pulled my duvet around me closer, withdrawing my arms away from his hands.

Kai gave a small sigh of defeat and slowly stood up before me. "Well... you have my number. You can call or message me any ti-"

"Go home, Kai.... Please."

Kai, reluctantly, turned from me and began walking away.

I sat still for another few minutes in silence before I finally stood up, approaching the smoking remains of my yard. Such a horrid scent. Like burnt coffee beans; bitterly offensive. I couldn't even see the once defined edges of my garden, now jagged and frightening like the jaws of a beast.

I sunk down onto the top step of my patio, further cocooning myself within my duvet and endlessly stared into the dark abyss before me and let the feeling of the mysterious unknowns of the next few days consume me.

**~**

I awoke with a disgruntled groan, blinding sunlight making my already closed eyes squint even harder with the dawn.

I had fallen asleep on the patio. My whole body ached from the uncomfortable, odd angle in which I had slept upon the concrete. I slowly peeled my eyes open and now glanced at the fully revealed damage in the light of the day.

"Fuck.." I mumbled out, my eyes as cold and dead like charcoal as they slowly moved from corner to corner of the yard.

It was so quiet. I didn't hear many birds chirping. Almost like they were mourning the garden in silence, accepting the loss of the branches to perch upon and the worms to pick at for breakfast.

I eventually sat up, letting the duvet drop from my shoulders and wearily stood up. I walked down to the garden upon my bare feet. The firefighter was right about the ground still being warm.

I walked up to the burnt panels of wood of the fence. Some were just barely holding together and I kicked one in entirely, watching as it broke apart with ease like black chalk against my foot and crumbled to the grass pathetically. I saw a slither of Kai's backyard through the gap now.

It was the first time I had seen his garden for some time. It was flourishing now. The pink, purple, white, red and yellow faces of his flowers greeting the morning sunlight with wide, healthy smiles. A soft sight for my sore eyes that still stung slightly from the smoke of the previous night.

I almost expected Kai to be out there, or at least make his way outside with the sound of me kicking the fence in, but he was nowhere to be seen or heard.

I went back inside the house, ignoring the groaning of my stomach from my hunger, walking straight past my kitchen to go to my bedroom. I sat down on the bed and reached for my phone lying upon the carpet.

What could I even tell my father? And would he even _believe_ it? He was due over the next day and I now had nothing to show him. No proof of my efforts before it was all taken away. I was back at square one. Would he let me start over? Did I... even _want_ to? The obvious answer to both questions was a resounding 'no'.

I wandered off to take a shower. A long one. Almost skin-burningly-hot. I wanted to strip myself physically bare from the previous night as my skin became a tomato under the heat. Even though I was drowning in liquid, I was thirsty. So parched. So fucking... sober.

I dragged my feet into the kitchen, yanking the fridge door open and took out a few bottles of beer that I had kept. I twisted one open and downed half of it in under 10 seconds until my eyes watered.

Fuck it. Just **_fuck it_**.

I'll end my journey in this house the same way I fucking started it; self-destructive and avoidant. Start as you mean to go on.

And I did. I drank the rest of the day away, only interrupted with moments of angered crying and confusion but slammed it all back down with another bottle. Then the hysterical laughter began. Just like what's-his-name... that fucking clown from Batman. The Joker? Yeah. That fucking idiot.

Well, at this point, again, where was the fucking lie? My life _had_ become a joke. And I was the only one laughing.

The hours slipped by me, escaped me entirely and it was dark again. Now almost 24 hours since the beginning of the end. I had run out of beer and the last bottle that had touched my lips had now sat empty at my side for a few hours now. The sobriety was beginning to set in.

I looked over at my guitar and felt beckoned to it.

Fuck it. Let's write some music. My loosened up thoughts from my still slightly intoxicated state always had assisted me in songwriting before. Some of the most mind-sobering songs ever written in the world were put together with the drunken mind of the artist. Go figure.

I grabbed the neck of my guitar, dragging it behind me along the carpet like a giant war-axe and clumsily opened the sliding doors. I sat myself down on the steps and stared at my own shadow cast upon the burnt ground with the living room lights behind me.

I laid my guitar over my thighs and thought. It was almost funny how when I first got there I wanted to just bulldoze the place to the ground when my father said I could keep it after my strenuous task.

The thought of my initial hatred for the place sparked up inspiration, my fingers gliding over the neck of the guitar from chord pattern to chord pattern.

I strummed the A minor chord and could already feel the depressive, melancholy air rise up around me, drawing me into a field in my own mind of emotions that I had repressed for far too long.

I love you, music. But you're still a little bitch sometimes with how you make me _feel_ things.

The words and chord progression simmered up inside of me. Effortlessly. I used to struggle with piecing a song together entirely in one sitting. It would take me _weeks_.

Heh... maybe prior to this.. I really had nothing worth truly singing about. Nothing that _meant_ anything.

[A Rush Of Blood To The Head](https://youtu.be/fC26XpXjSVw)

_He said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down  
_ _I'm gonna put it six feet underground_

My thoughts flashed back to my first night in the house. Not wanting any of it. Just wanting to drink, trash it and leave it dead and empty.

 _Oh, I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire  
_ _Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires_

I _did_ start a fire. One inside of myself. My burning impatience for fixing that garden just to satisfy my father's wishes as quickly as I could. Just so I could leave.

 _Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn  
_ _And do back the things it did to you in return_

It was tempting to just burn the whole house. All it had done was fuck with my head. Turned me into someone I didn't even know and strip me of my former, hardened self. I could. I could reduce this place to nothing. Burn it down just like it had done to my mind.

 _All the movements you're starting to make  
_ _See me crumble and fall on my face_

Everything I'd done. All my 'growth', every last move, had me on my knees now with how it was ripped out from underneath me. I was slowly shrivelling back to the man I used to be.

 _He said I'm gonna buy this place and see it go  
_ _Stand here beside me, baby, watch the orange glow_

My eyes wandered over to the fence, thinking about Kai having stood next to me, watching the fiery destruction helplessly.

 _Some'll laugh, some just sit and cry_ _  
__You just sit down there and you wonder why_

Why, indeed. A freak act of nature, sure. But does everything happen for a reason? What was the reason for this? Had I really been _that_ much of a self-entitled asshole that God decided "Yo, fuck you, Beomgyu" and decided to throw a bolt of lightning directly into _my_ yard? After all I had done? Was it not enough?

_So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane..._

I glanced over at the fence again.

_When am I gonna see that pretty face again?_

Kai.. I... I wish you all the best. I'll be leaving tomorrow.

I stopped playing and singing, having seen a shadow move from the disintegrated parts of the burnt fence. Then the sound of Kai's conservatory door closing.

He had been listening..

I bowed my head and stroked the curves of the guitar and allowed myself a half-smile.

I hadn't shown much of my inner self to him. But he had just received an earful of it while listening to the song I composed all in the space of only 6 minutes. The first one that ever actually had any depth or truth of myself to it. If he was as much of a musician as I thought he was, he would know that too.

Even though I never truly got to understand anything about his mystery, I was glad I could have helped him with his career. I had no time left on my hands to give him anything else. Nor did I even still know what to give him.

A final farewell would have to do in the morning before I left.

**~**

I woke to the sound of my cell phone alarm blaring at me. I couldn't sleep in today. I had a feeling it would be a long one.

I sat up and wondered. Did my father even really need to bother coming all the way out here just to see the burnt remains? Couldn't I just call him and let him know what had happened? It seemed like the more simple approach. If he didn't believe me, I could just send him photos. But, again, would he _still_ believe that it was an accident and not my own doing, trying to sabotage everything?

I sighed, got out of bed and called him, anyway. He was taking a while to pick up and I wandered out into the living area while the line was still ringing and almost dropped my phone with what I saw out through the sliding doors.

... Flowers...

**_W-what..._ **

I rushed through the living area, ripping the doors open and just stood there in shock as my eyes were met with an _immaculate_ presentation of colour of all spectrums and freshly trimmed edges of my previously destroyed garden. Fresh soil had been laid around the bountiful display of the very _essence_ of Spring as birds and bees fluttered around the organic _masterpiece_.

My hand that held my phone had fallen away from my ear and I distantly heard my father pick up the call with a mumbled "Hello? Beomgyu?"

I just blinked to myself in disbelief, my head spinning. This _had_ to be a dream. I was still asleep. _Surely_.

"Beomgyu? Are you there, son?"

I slowly brought my phone up to my ear with a now shaking, sweating palm.

"Dad? I.."

"What is it, Beomgyu? I'm about to go into a meeting."

I blinked again and pinched the side of my arm. No. I wasn't waking up. I _was_ awake.

"I... are...y-"

"Son, I have to go. I'm coming over later, alright? Just message me and I'll try to reply soon."

"O-okay.."

The call dropped just like my phone did from my hand a second later.

I slowly walked out of the doorway and glanced around. I'm still not sure if flowers held any real place in my heart but I couldn't deny it. This was **_beautiful_.**

But **_how?_**

I heard a soft groan from my right and I whipped my head to see Kai curled up into a sleeping ball upon the grass against the fence with the open field over the opposite side. He was covered in dirt.

I slowly shook my head and I began to feel dizzy as I pieced together what he had done.

Just as heavily as I had contemplated the previous day as to the reason my garden had to be destroyed in such an untimely fashion. I now stood there as I watched Kai still dozing peacefully and was left with a similar question floating around my head.

Why?


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter, but very important. If you want any of the future chapters to make any sense- please pay close attention to what's being said during the conversation between Beomgyu and his father. Enjoy! ^^

I must have stood there gazing at the freshly planted flowers for 5 solid minutes. My garden was back to.. no.. it was _more_ than what it previously had been. It was everything I could have only dreamed it would be. It was the _ultimate_ slap in my father's face that I had wanted to give back to him. It was.. damned near perfect.

I still didn't know very much about horticulture. I felt like a football player gazing at a painting in a museum, not being able to describe _any_ amount of artistic appreciation to the artist with my limited vocabulary on the subject matter, but I could just _feel_ that there wasn't a thing out of place. It just spoke to me.

I was dumbstruck.

I slowly edged closer to Kai, still asleep up against the fence. How did he even _manage_ to have done this in such a short amount of time? I was out here at midnight when I wrote my song and didn't go back inside until at least half an hour later.

I looked down at the grass and began to notice something odd. There were trails of soil, all leading over to the opening hole in the fence.

I began following one of the dirt paths, like a mouse to a dropped trail of cheese and I was looking through into Kai's backyard through the gap in the fence.

My heart flipped upside down.

Half of his garden was now bare and desolate.

I looked back over my shoulder to my own garden, then back to Kai.

He... he had ripped up.. His _own_ garden... and gave it to me...

This... this must have taken him _all_ night to do. No fucking wonder he just fell asleep in the corner like that..

Just who the **_fuck_** are you, Kai? _What_ are you? Where the fuck do you hide those angelic wings of yours? Are they under your skin? Is _that_ why your shoulders are too fucking broad for their own good?

I ran back over to him. I needed answers. I was about to reach down and shove his shoulder, but he woke up with the sound of his cell phone alarm screeching at him from inside his pocket.

He bolted upright, reaching for his phone to silence it and looked terribly disorientated. He didn't even realize he had fallen asleep where he had, when he had.

He looked up at me standing before him with puffed, sleepy eyes and blinked a few times as it all sank in that I knew what he had done.

"Kai... explain yourself..." I couldn't quite place the expression in my voice. I wasn't angry. I wasn't... happy, I just.. I just wanted to know _why_.

Kai looked over at the garden behind me and almost seemed a bit ashamed as I saw him swallow. He slowly stood up, brushing off the back of his jeans from the grass and dirt. He wasn't answering me.

"Why did you do this? Why did you destroy half of your garden just to give it to me?" annoyance _was_ almost sneaking its way into my tone now. I hated not understanding.

Kai pulled his phone back out of his pocket and seemed upset by something as he glanced at the screen. He quickly started making his way past me to the opening in the fence. But I gripped his wrist before he could slip away from where I stood.

"Damn it, Kai, answer me!" The anger was here now. Well and truly. "Stop running away!"

Kai halted and looked down at his feet, slowly turning his head to look back at me over his shoulder.

"I just.." his eyes were deeper than ever, staring into mine and I immediately felt my anger soften with the way he gazed at me.

"I.. I just didn't want your dad to get angry at you again... He's due back soon, right?" and his eyes suddenly fell from mine. Almost trying to avoid something.

"Yeah... he's coming over today.." I tried to catch his eyes again, but he wouldn't let me.

Why did I feel like he was lying?

"Well... hopefully what I've done will be enough to make him happy with you.." and he started leaving again. Almost a little _too_ fucking quickly.

Oh yeah. He's lying. I had lied enough in the past to know this kind of avoidance in someone's voice and posture to piece that together easy enough.

"Cool story, Kai. But what's the _real_ reason for all of this?" I now stood defensively, crossing my arms along my chest.

He now stood directly in the gap in the fence, neither here nor there; stuck in between just like I knew his thoughts were.

Tell me what you _really_ want, Kai. No one is this selfless. You _must_ want _something_. No one spends all damned night replanting someone's destroyed garden just to stop their dad from yelling at them when it's none of their god damned business to begin with.

I sighed deeply. No, Beomgyu... Stop the anger. Kai needs a softer touch right now if he's going to open up. That was becoming obvious with the way he just wanted to scurry away with my impatience towards his mystery.

"How... how can I thank you for all of this? What can I give you in return, Kai?"

My softened tone towards him seemed to perk him up slightly, just as I had hoped. He was thinking it over. He _did_ want something from me, after all.

"Would you.." he trailed off as he turned back around to me, twiddling his thumbs. "Would you like to.. have lunch with me?"

I blinked at him. That.. wasn't the response I could have ever expected.

"Lunch?"

"Yeah.." he smiled at me now. "I can pack a picnic basket and bring it over later! If.. you're not going to be busy.."

He seemed _shy_ all of a sudden. Is he.. _blushing?_

Well... if lunch is what he really wants..

"Sure," I agreed, once more not recognizing the expression in my own voice.

"Okay!" he beamed back to his usual, cheerful self.

"Is 12 o'clock okay for you?!" he seemed so fucking excited all of a sudden.

I didn't know what time my father was due over. But suddenly... that didn't seem to matter as much as it did hopefully finding out more about Kai. And his reasons for giving me his garden.

"Yeah.." I trailed off, nodding at him.

"Great! I'll see you then, button!" He disappeared into his backyard and made his way inside his house.

... What the fuck?

Had we just set up.. a date? The shy look in his eyes almost told me we _had_.

I headed back inside and took a shower and ate breakfast but I did it at almost half the speed as usual. My thoughts seemed to slow me down.

Half my brain was Kai and the other was my father. I didn't know what to expect out of either of them that day. And I was equally nervous about both for the same reason- What were they going to say to me?

At around 11, I saw that my father was calling me. Maybe he was coming soon. I accepted the call.

"Hey," I said simply.

My father let out a deep sigh "Hey, son.."

He sounded troubled.

"What's wrong?"

"Ugh... I don't think I'm going to be able to make it over today as I said."

I blinked at his response. I felt.. Somewhat happy about that. It meant I would hopefully have more time with Kai, but... the unusual concerned tone to my father's voice had me deeply curious.

"What's happened?" I sat down on the couch to hear him out.

"It's your grandfather.."

My eyes widened. "What's wrong with him?"

"Well.. I just can't quite seem to figure that out."

I frowned. It didn't sound like my father was implying he was sick.

"We had a meeting this morning with some lawyers about that theft case from years ago in the company... do you remember?"

I sifted back through my memories but with my many ignorant years of just not caring, the details were a bit of a blur.

"You'll have to remind me."

My father took a deep breath and continued.

"Before you were born, when I was still a kid and your grandfather still owned the business, he had a break-in. Or as the lawyers put it 'grand theft auto.' He lost _millions_ of dollars worth of vehicles to a large, organized group of criminals."

Oh right. _That_.

"Yeah.. and they've all been caught and prosecuted, right?" I asked, now leaning against the top of my thighs with my elbows, becoming further intrigued.

"Not quite. There's still one more criminal out there who's been in hiding for almost 40 years now. A woman. Police can't find her. The only information they have on her is that she has a tattoo of a flower on her neck. But _now_..."

My father trailed off, I could hear him shift about in his leather office chair as he shuffled in frustration.

"What?" I urged him on.

"During the meeting this morning with the lawyers, your grandfather changed his story. He's now saying there was _no_ such woman. When he's spent the past 40 years saying that there _was_."

I frowned more and shook my head "Why the fuck would he do that?"

"This is exactly what's confusing me, Beomgyu," my father's voice dropped in pitch, almost becoming a whisper.

"So he's.. lying about something then?" I frowned further. My head was beginning to hurt.

My father let out another long sigh.

"I just don't know.. But law enforcement certainly isn't happy about his conflicting stories. His statement no longer matches the one he gave 40 years ago when he saw the theft and it's causing a lot of unease between everyone."

We were both silent for a while. It just confused me. As much as it was weird... it didn't overly interest me too much at the time. I was more concerned about how this affected my father's visit.

"So.. this is the reason you can't make it over today then?"

"Yeah.. your grandfather and I have _a lot_ to discuss over this. It's not a good look for the company to be caught up in potential lies with the Law. It could cost us _big_ time in the long run.."

My heart began beating faster. It was obvious that this wasn't just an issue for my grandfather. It would affect the business. My father... _me_.

"Okay... well.. When do you think you'll be able to visit then?" I said as I too began to shuffle around on my own couch out of discomfort.

"I don't know, son. This is a serious matter that will require a lot of my attention for now. How about you send me some photos of the garden? I'll get back to you when I can."

"Okay then."

I should have sounded happier about it, considering this would free up some of my time, but.. I couldn't shake off the story my father had just told me.

Somewhere in amongst all of it, something was resonating with me. And I could not in a thousand years figure out _why_. Much like the rest of my 'feelings', I had difficulty putting them into actual words that made any sense.

"I better go, Beomgyu. I look forward to seeing the garden."

"See ya," I ended the call and looked down at my phone for a long moment in time.

I was worried about my grandfather. He was just like me. Adamant in his ways. Never usually faltered. It's what made him a strong businessman in the first place when he had founded Choi Automotive Industries.

So to hear from my father that he had suddenly changed his story to the lawyers about this criminal... this woman...To now say that she no longer even existed... Just what the fuck had happened suddenly?

I sighed and tried to put it out of my mind and thought about my oncoming picnic lunch with Kai. The idea sort of made me smile. It was.. kinda cute.

I got up and wandered off to my bedroom. I was now checking my reflection harder than I had in a long time. I had become somewhat disinterested in my physical appearance for the past month or so. Since I was no longer trying to put myself on display to anyone, it seemed almost redundant to bother in making sure I was looking good.

I swept my hair about gently in the mirror and allowed myself a small smirk.

Oh, why are you even bothering, Beomgyu? You _always_ look good. Nothing was going to change that fact.

It was just before noon now. I paced around in my backyard, looking over the flowers, listening to the bees buzzing. Kai would be arriving at any minute.

Damn it, _why_ was I nervous? Stop treating it like a date, Beomgyu. It's just lunch. It's not like Kai was coming to come over dressed up all nice holding out a rose to y-

I turned my head. I heard his footsteps coming up my driveway now. He came around the corner and my jaw dropped.

I glanced down at his hand, a small red rose _was_ being held out to me, half in bloom. My eyes lead up the white, long-sleeved shirt he was wearing that looked.. Very well made. A slim, silk white bow tied up around his neck that hung all the way down to his waist. No grubby apron today. No straw hat. Not a speck of dirt or clay in sight upon him. He wore a little peach coloured beret tilted to the side upon his fluffy, dark hair, matching the colour of his pants and a soft smile pushing at me gently. And somewhat.. flirtatiously.

I swallowed hard and those damned butterflies that liked to reside within my stomach almost made their way up to the inside of my heart.

I retract my previous statement.

This _is_ a date.


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheh... Not telling! That would be spoiling.. ;) Very, very important chapter though. For both characters. Probably my favourite chapter to date. Enjoy! ^^

Damn it, Kai.

Why do you _look_ like this all of a sudden? You're making me seem so incredibly underdressed in my black, ripped jeans and t-shirt. Like a little punk rock guitarist in front of a fucking _prince_.

"This is for you.." he pushed the little red rose at me and batted those delicate eyelashes at me.

"I.." I swallowed, blushing for the first time in what felt like forever. "You know I don't like roses.." I took it reluctantly, not bringing my gaze up to his.

"I know. But I took the thorns off of it for you," he giggled.

He had. The green stem of the rose was clean and smooth. I slowly drew my gaze back up him from the grass. He was holding a large red blanket under his arm with a picnic basket hanging over his forearm.

"I thought a picnic lunch would be such a great idea! The weather's beautiful today. Not too hot, right?"

Yes but _he's_ looking a bit too ho-

I sighed, turning from him. "I guess you're right.."

He walked past me and placed the picnic basket down, unfolding the blanket and shook it out. It was big enough to cover a king-sized bed, almost. He laid it upon the grass and sank down to his knees upon it, looking up at me.

"Mind doing me a favour?"

If you're going to ask me to stop breathing so hard, Kai, I'm afraid that's rather impossible at the moment..

"What?" I asked as I licked my lips, trying to calm myself.

He opened up the picnic basket and lifted out a rather delicately hand-made and painted teapot in shades of white, purple, blue and gold trim.

"Would you mind putting some boiling water in this for me?"

I took it off his hands gently. The thing looked more fragile than my will to live at that point.

I went inside, placing the rose down on the kitchen counter and filled the teapot up with boiling water from the water heater that was installed above the sink. I drew my fingertips along the edges of the teapot in thought.

What's.. changed suddenly? Kai made it blatantly obvious that he wasn't interested in me about a month ago. Or had I just misread the situation?

Ugh. Standing here thinking about it isn't going to answer any questions, Beomgyu. Just go back outside already, you stupid shit.

I carefully carried the teapot back outside and saw Kai setting out various small bowls of strawberries, grapes and... _tomatoes_ upon the blanket.

"Here," I said, holding the teapot out to him and he smiled up at me.

"Thanks, button," he took it off me and slowly lowered it to the ground and took the lid off to reveal the tea filter.

I slowly sat down next to him and watched as he reached back inside the picnic basket, bringing out a small brown, paper bag, shaking out the contents that looked to be dried roses into the teapot.

"You're making tea.. Made from roses?" I asked, seeming sceptical.

"Yup! It's delicious! You'll like it."

I didn't reply, but I looked over the fruit again. "You grew all of this, didn't you?"

"Mmhmm!" he continued happily as he put the teapot lid back on to let the tea brew.

"And that's not all!"

He was now bringing out a rather large loaf of bread and holy _fuck_ it smelled amazing. I could tell this was made not too long ago. I began salivating at the scent. It had been too long since I actually had any _real_ food in me. Not since I ate that tomato he gave me.

"I baked this when I went home this morning! It's sourdough bread."

I don't care what it's called, just get it inside my stomach. _Christ_.

"Aaaanndd.." he continued. Jesus, there's _more?_

He pulled out two small clay jars and took their little lids off. One was filled with a yellowish substance and the other was dark purple. "I made these too! Crab apple jam from my tree and grape jelly from the vines in my greenhouse!"

I watched in awe as he set out a few teacups that matched the teapot. A few small painted, clay plates that he had obviously crafted himself. Even the cutlery looked handmade. The knives, forks and teaspoons were carved out of wood.

I slowly shook my head as it dawned on me. _Everything_ in front of me was either made or grown by him. Nothing had been purchased from a store. It was all... organic.

I drew my gaze up at him curiously as he happily began cutting the bread up into slices upon a wooden chopping board.

I was... so impressed by him. In a modern world dominated by the value of money, money he now _had_ due to his blooming business, he _still_ didn't feel the need to use it for everyday things.

Such a confusing yet.. Interesting concept.

I made myself a bit more comfortable and sat cross-legged upon the blanket. Kai handed me a plate with two slices of the bread upon it. One covered in crab apple jam and the other with grape jelly.

"Enjoy!" he smiled brightly.

Oh, I already knew I would. I basically _engulfed_ the bread with their toppings spread upon them.

Dear fucking _God_.

I really had been starving myself rotten with bowls of ramen and flavourless cereal for the past 2 months. Kai just giggled at me from my side as he watched me eat at a faster rate than I ever had while he ate rather slowly.

I pulled the bowls of fruit closer to myself, I even.. Reached for the bowl full of cherry tomatoes too. Fuck it. I don't even care. This is _delicious_.

Kai continued giggling, now beginning to pour some of the steeped tea into the teacups.

"So you _like_ tomatoes now, hmm?" I caught him smirking at me from the corner of my eye.

"They're not so bad.." I played it off and put 3 of them in my mouth at once anyway.

"Maybe you just like them because they're _mine_..."

I looked up at him, he was still smirking to himself as he continued pouring the tea, keeping his gaze away from me with the task.

"Maybe.." I mumbled quietly and he caught my gaze but I didn't look away this time.

Something simmered up in the air between us, but it didn't rattle me as much as it previously had. I.. _liked_ the feeling it gave me. Even more than I did when he had hugged me that time.

As I already knew, I hadn't ever really been in a _sober_ situation like this. Alcohol always had to play a part if I were to let my guard down around someone. But it was becoming apparent that maybe I didn't need to approach things like that anymore. This was beginning to feel more.. natural.

I finally broke my gaze away from his and shuffled slightly closer to him as I reached for the cup of tea he had just poured for me. I lifted it up to my nose to inhale its scent. Naturally, it smelled like a rose garden and it got to my very soul.

"I.. have to say, Kai.. all of this is incredibly impressive," and I took a sip from the teacup. The tea was still very hot, but the flavour and scent seemed to outweigh the heat substantially.

"Thank you!" He said simply and brightly before taking a sip from his own teacup.

I almost laughed to myself. Over 2 months ago I never would have imagined I would be sitting there having a fucking tea party picnic with the neighbour in the backyard of this house that I hated from the very first glance.

I now _did_ want to know more about him. And not just about his mysterious ways. The tea relaxed me further with every sip. He was right. A cup of this the other night when my garden burned down probably _would_ have made me feel better.

"So... what do you like to do for fun then?" I asked as I now lay back on an elbow by his side, looking up at him.

"Hmmm.. well, I find everything I do fun! But I do like to play music too.." he said as he began eating some grapes.

"I.. noticed.." I said quietly. I was admitting to having heard him play that song for me that night after my father left.

He looked down at me, smiling gently and joined me by now also leaning back against an elbow upon the blanket, dragging the bowl of grapes up to sit between us.

"Do you play any other instruments?" I asked as I reached for one of the grapes and nibbled at it. Fuck, it was sweet.

"I can play piano and drums too," he grinned at me.

Christ. Multi-talented, much? He knew how to plant a garden, could make incredibly intricate pottery, made amazing food _and_ could play music on various instruments. What _couldn't_ he do?

Heh. Run a business. But I had taught him how to do that now too.

"Who taught you how to do all these things?" I asked as I reached for another grape between us.

I saw Kai's expression shift slightly. It wasn't wholeheartedly happy anymore.

"My grandmother.." he answered quietly and he now fiddled with a grape between his fingers in thought.

I grinned at him. That made sense. When I saw his pottery stall in front of his fence that first time I _had_ thought it was rather elderly in its nature.

"Is she still alive then?" I asked as I ate two more grapes.

Kai's expression dropped even _further_ and I began to worry that I had.. Upset him in some way.

He didn't reply and was suddenly reaching for the bowl of strawberries.

"Try one of my strawberries! You haven't had one yet!" he suddenly perked back up, as if to move on from the previous subject matter entirely.

I looked down to see Kai was now holding one out to me, but, much like in his greenhouse when he held that tomato out to me, he was holding it in front of my lips.

God. He better not tell me to 'open up' again. I didn't need my cheeks becoming the same shade of the fruit he held out in front of me.

But he didn't. He was looking intently at me, moving closer along with the small red fruit and fuck it all, I was blushing anyway. But I wasn't batting his hand away this time. He sat the strawberry upon my lower lip and gently eased it into my mouth and I obliged as I _did_ open up for him.

And... of course... as his eyes flickered between my own as he watched me eat it.. It was as sweet as ever.

The flirtatious smile upon his lips changed and brightened a bit more, picking up one of the strawberries and ate it happily as he now lay back fully upon the blanket. His peach coloured beret falling off his head with the movement and closed his eyes, enjoying the warm sunlight of the afternoon.

I looked him over for a moment and smiled at him in secret while he wasn't looking at me. I then joined him by lying back fully under the sun next to him upon the blanket.

I slowly closed my eyes too and just listened. I could hear the birds, the bees, the very slightest of breezes in the air rustle amongst the flowerbeds at our feet. I only just noticed the air. It smelled cleaner, fresher than in the city. You could fully breathe in two entire lung's worth of it and not feel like coughing due to the pollution. There was none out there.

Heh. Nature n' shit. It was alright. I guess.

I became curious about something as the scent of the flowers entered my nose. I knew Kai would have an answer.

"Kai.." I started gently, my eyes still closed.

"Mmm?" he replied gently at my side.

"What's the hardest flower to grow?"

There was a moment of silence between us as he thought it over.

"Orchids.." he whispered.

"What's so hard about growing them?" I asked as I dropped my hands to my sides now from upon my chest, relaxing further.

"Well.. in the wild, they're not hard to grow at all. Orchids are kind of like... parasites, in a way. They usually grow off of other existing plants. They like to grow out of trees and use the tree's nutrients to grow, rather than grow by themselves. They're a bit selfish," he laughed.

I slowly opened my eyes as something in Kai's words began to ring true. A selfish flower? Heh... sounds like a certain someone..

"But if you grow an Orchid inside as a houseplant, away from all it's ever known from using other plants to get by.. It.. struggles.." Kai carried on and I was now listening more intently than ever.

"Orchids in insolation are very hard to grow. They need just the right amount of water. Just the right amount of sunlight. Lots of people fail to see them grow much at all."

I tried to shrug it off "Sounds to me like their stubborn nature isn't worth the effort.."

"They are worth it. They.. just..."

I gasped out loud as I could feel something move in slow circles in the palm of my hand that lay in between us. I looked down to see Kai was moving his fingertips along my skin, teasing the nerve endings in my palm that are terribly sensitive to _anyone_.

"They require.." Kai turned his head to me now, his eyes moving between my own once more ".. a _special_ touch."

God help me. We were suddenly so close. I hadn't realized I had laid down so near to him and those deep orbs of honey glazed eyes of his were now darting in a triangle between both my own eyes and my lips. And on my lips, they stayed.

My heart was in my throat. Almost on my tongue. Could've almost been sitting upon my mouth that Kai was now edging closer towards with his own.

...

Well, shit. Here we are then, Beomgyu. You fucking well _know_ you've been pining for this in secret every god damned night since you first saw him.

I knew my 'untouchable' title was about to be stripped from me.

And it was as his lips met mine; softly.. slowly.

I closed my eyes in an instant and let myself fall into the kiss. It ended. But not for long as he kissed me once more, giving life to my previously stunted heart; blooming under the heat of his sunshine.

He was right. Orchids... myself... they _did_ just need a special touch. _His_ touch.

I kissed him back now, my lips merging with his as I let it all go. Fuck, this already felt dangerous. Addictive. Intoxicating. I was becoming drunk now but not in the fashion I had been so used to.

I pushed him to lie back and climbed up on top of him, straddling his hips and knocking the small bowls of strawberries and grapes over with the movement. He smiled up at me and I returned it at him now as I lowered myself back down to kiss him once more.

His hand slid across my cheek, fingers threading through my hair as he held my lips to his own so I couldn't pull back. Not that he needed to suggest it. Nothing could have torn me away from him. I tilted my head more and deepened the kiss, sucking his lower lip into my mouth gently. I could feel his other hand now, resting at the small of my back, my chest pressing up against his beneath me as our heartbeats drummed steadily against each other's skin.

I took a chance at my luck and glided my tongue into his mouth, to which he more than graciously accepted with his own. I had to suppress a moan and a shiver at the sensation that suddenly grabbed at every last nerve inside of me.

Heavens _above_ , he was just too sweet. I could taste the strawberries, grapes and rose tea on him. A medley of fructose and flowers; a complete contrast to all the intoxicated individuals I had ever kissed. He didn't taste like poison, he was a _remedy_.

I could barely control myself. This was so new to me. I just wanted to eat him up entirely as I had unashamedly done with the food he had brought over. But he could sense my urgency and slowed it down. He eased the kiss, his thumbs stroking along my cheeks all the way to my ears that whispered 'slow down, Beomgyu' into them with their soft caress.

It wasn't like me to go slow, having spent my entire life in the fast lane. But with the way his lips compelled me with every last soft and sweet kiss against mine, I dropped it back into 1st gear.

He pulled back after several moments and gazed up at me and I forgot how to breathe. He was so fucking _gorgeous_ and... mystifying.

I needed to ask him. Now was the right time.

"Kai.." I breathed out to him desperately, his hands stroking down the outside of my arms.

"Yes, button?" he smiled.

"Please... please tell me why.." I could barely believe I just said the word 'please' twice in one sentence. But I was begging now. My heart couldn't take it a second longer.

I didn't need to elaborate. He knew what I meant with the way his eyes glanced behind us at the garden and then back to me but he was struggling once more.

No, Kai. Come on. You can do _anything_. You've proven that to me. You can do this too.

"I... I wasn't lying before when I said I did all of this just so your dad wouldn't be angry at you.." he dropped his sentence and his warm palm was cupping the side of my face. I could sense there was more with the way his eyes searched mine.

"But... the other reason is because.."

My eyes widened as I now saw his eyes watering. Is he... about to _cry?_

"I hoped that if your dad saw all of this.. He might let you-"

I had never hated a sound more in my entire life as I heard his cell phone alarm beeping at him from inside his pocket again. Kai reached down for it but I stopped his hand with a grip around his wrist.

The harsh, sobering sound was as loud and haunting as the fire engine sirens the other night. Only I didn't want to let it put this fire out that had ignited between us. I needed it to keep burning.

"Tell me, Kai," I demanded from him through the terrible noise.

But damn it.. he was stronger than me.

He forced his hand out of my grasp and reached for his cellphone to put a halt to the noise _and_ the confession. He pushed me back off of him gently and I fell to the side of him, grapes and strawberries squashing into the blanket underneath my thighs with the landing. Kai stood up, drawing in a deep breath as he tried to recompose himself out of the moment between us.

"Kai, please.. Don't go." I was on my knees. Begging once more. Pathetically now.

"I... I am so sorry, Beomgyu. But I have to."

My hands balled into fists so hard, I almost burst the skin of my palms open with the edges of my fingernails.

"I.. I'll come back over tonight. I'll tell you then, okay?" He looked down at me gently, honestly. As frustrated as I was.. I did believe him.

I let out a deep sigh as I felt my hands loosen from the fists I had made.

".. Okay.." I gave up.

He looked down at the remains of the picnic "Keep the food. I'll.. see you later."

I could do nothing but watch as he turned his back to me and wandered away back down my driveway.

I sighed and slumped down back onto the blanket, leaning to the side upon one hand as I picked up one of the tomatoes and twisted it around thoughtfully.

I had waited 2 months to find out who he was and what he wanted. We had shared the most honest and passionate kiss I had ever experienced. My heart didn't feel dead anymore. It was alive, thriving, craving more growth now.

Growth that only he could provide me with.

I placed the tomato back into the bowl and smiled softly at it.

For all the patience I once previously lacked... I could wait.


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another crucial chapter with important dialogue to note. This chapter goes deeper into Beomgyu's past/backstory and family history. Also- Blue Hour references. At a few different points in the chapter. See if you can pick them ;) It's also another chapter inspired by music (the song used towards the end.)

I stayed out in my yard for probably a further half an hour. As much as I had previously... secretly... never stopped thinking about Kai before.. I _definitely_ couldn't stop thinking about him now.

I packed all the food away inside but with what had happened between us in my backyard, I had almost completely forgotten to take photos of the garden for my father.

I wandered back outside and took some shots on my phone before messaging them through to him. But I became curious once more. I was now... almost a little _worried_ about his reaction.

I wanted him to be proud of it. To be proud of... me. But.. Something told me that this whole thing was bigger than just teaching me a lesson. But, like almost everything in my life at that current point in time, it was still something of a mystery.

A few hours passed and damn it.

I could **_not_** keep the smile off my face.

I spent an hour on my couch, sitting there with my sliding doors open, gazing lovingly at my garden gifted to me from Kai. Then a further hour lying upon my bed, staring up at the ceiling as I clutched my pillow close to my chest and cuddled it; wishing it were him. I just couldn't wait to see him again later. I needed more of those life-giving kisses and that 'special' touch of his.

I picked up my phone, going through my contacts until I saw his number. I almost wanted to message him, but I didn't want to appear too desperate for his attention.

But fuck it, I opened up a fresh message and typed out "I miss you" into the little text box.

But I didn't send it. I lay there staring at the words.

Heh. How impossible it all seemed. For all my early days of wanting to keep my distance from him as much as possible, I now craved his presence. Now that I knew what it did to me.

God, Beomgyu. You've really got it bad, don't you?

I saved the text message as a draft and I suddenly heard a car pull up my driveway. My father's. Strange, considering he told me he was too busy to see me.

I got up from my bed and walked out the front door to greet him. But he was already walking... no.. _running_ straight past me as if I wasn't even there. He was _smiling_.

"Holy fucking shit.." he said as he came to a halt in my backyard. I ran to catch up with him, standing at his side.

He shook his head slowly in awe, much like I had when I had first seen the organic display that same morning.

"This is.." he trailed off, speechless.

I smiled as I watched him step forward, circling the garden slowly as he gazed into the smiling faces of each and every bloom.

"Wow, Beomgyu.." he beamed over at me.

I wanted to keep the smile on my face, but I suddenly felt a small amount of guilt enter my heart. I could tell he was impressed. But he thought it was all _my_ work. Little did he know..

"I got your photos a few hours ago and I just couldn't believe it. I needed to come out here and see it for myself," he grinned and continued looking around like a child in a candy store.

"Jesus, what happened here?" he asked as his eyes finally fell onto the burnt hole in the fence and the several panels of wood that were still black from the flames.

My heart leapt up into my throat.

"Uh... there was a fire. Just a small one. Lightning hit one of the trees, setting it aflame. It only reached the fence.." I lied quietly.

I couldn't let him know it had reached the garden too. But it seemed like he was oblivious to that fact. Kai had done an _incredibly_ good job of concealing the burnt ground under his hard work.

Thankfully, it seemed like my father believed me. But I did want to change the subject in case his perceptive mind started to piece any clues together.

"Aren't you too busy to be all the way out here?" I said as I sat down upon the steps of the patio.

My father sighed, shaking his head and sat down next to me upon the steps.

"Yeah well... the whole situation with your grandfather was getting to be a bit too much. I needed to get out of the office. This seemed like a good escape for a few hours," he loosened his tie a bit and scratched at his head.

"Do you.. want a cup of tea?" I asked him, remembering I still had the remains of Kai's picnic inside.

"Tea? I thought you only drank alcohol and black coffee," my father smirked at me teasingly. It had been far too long since he joked with me.

I smirked back at him and laughed quietly.

"Yeah.. a cup of tea would be good, son."

I stood up to go back inside, readying the teapot with the dried roses and hot water and carried out the two teacups with me back onto the patio.

My father took one from me, blinking at it in confusion.

"Wow... this is a nicely made teacup. Where'd you get it from?" he asked as he sniffed the scent of the tea, seeming further surprised by the second.

"The... neighbour gave it to me. He's a potter."

I worried about my father's reaction to talking about Kai but he didn't seem to care that much as he swirled the tea around in front of him and just nodded. He took a sip from the cup and I saw his dark eyebrows shoot up upon his forehead.

"Jesus.. this is really good!" he smiled. I smiled too, secretively as I looked off to the side.

I was blushing suddenly as I thought about the sweet kisses Kai and I shared. Yes. _Everything_ of Kai's was good.

I coughed slightly and took a sip from my own tea and became thoughtful about the phone call I had shared with my father that morning.

"So... you still don't know what's up with grandfather's sudden change of heart then?"

The incredibly deep sigh my father let out to my side told me he didn't.

"Nope," his voice dropped, seeming surrendered. "The whole thing makes _no_ sense at all. And you _know_ what your grandfather's like."

Yes. As I previously pondered. He was like me... _once_ like me. Never changed his mind. Suddenly I was curious about something.

"Did he know the woman who got away?" I asked.

"I've always wondered about that too, son.. But he never let on. The most confusing thing about _all_ of this is that this woman was the one who _led_ the heist. She was in charge of the group who stole the vehicles."

My eyes widened and I looked away from my father to the garden.

Okay. This _definitely_ didn't make any sense.

"Your grandfather has spent an obscene amount of money on this court case over the past 40 years. Making sure every last criminal was caught and brought to justice. It almost split his marriage up with your grandmother with the stress it caused him. The stress it caused _me_ as a kid.. And.. as an adult.."

I slowly drew my eyes back to my father at my side, watching him stare down into the cup of tea within his hands. I had no idea this whole thing really caused everyone so much concealed suffering within my family.

"I just want it to be over, Beomgyu. That woman who got away and planned the whole thing.. Almost took _everything_ from us with the millions of dollars worth of vehicles she and her people took."

I watched as my father's hands gripped the teacup almost hard enough to crack it.

"Your grandfather... me... it took us both _years_ to get the company back to where it is now. I'll be fucking damned if we just _let_ this woman get away with what she's done. All the time she's stolen from us."

I could see it now. All the... lonely hours I had spent as a child. The hours that were stolen from _me_ because of all of this drama that I had been oblivious to.

Maybe that's why... I slid so far downhill during my teenage years. I was lonely and all I had was money to keep me company. I wanted my father in my life to lead me. But this whole thing had kept him too busy.

I remembered all the nights as a child that I would look at my glow-in-the-dark clock hanging on my bedroom wall. Hoping my father would come home from work before I fell asleep to read me a bedtime story. Wanting to snap those hands of the clock off so it could just... stop. I wanted to freeze time. Stop it from ticking down any further. Stop the sun from setting on my sadness.

Until eventually I just ran from the pain it caused me; full speed ahead, never looking back with money sitting in my passenger seat as the only thing I could rely on.

Time... it's such a precious yet.. painful thing.

My thoughts were disrupted with a sudden and deep inhale from my father to my side, he was looking over the garden again and then slowly back to me.

"There's.. something I've been meaning to tell you, son."

I blinked at him, trying to bring my mind back into the present from the past. "What?"

"For a while now, I've been thinking about.. taking an early retirement.."

I blinked at him once more. I knew it. I knew there was more to this whole garden thing than just to teach me a lesson. It was to set me up for a _bigger_ lesson.

"Seeing all of this.." he looked at the garden again and then back to me "and.. even looking at you now, Beomgyu... You've changed."

He reached a hand out and placed it upon my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You finally used that smart head on these small shoulders. I'm... so very proud of you, son," he smiled the most honest smile he had ever given me and I felt my eyes begin to water.

"I think it's time. I want to start training you up for taking over the company, Beomgyu."

I almost dropped the teacup in my hands but I forced myself to steady it, looking down into the pinkish coloured water of the rose tea.

"That _is_ what you still want, right?" my father asked, his hand squeezing my shoulder once more.

"I..."

I took a moment to breathe. Years prior, I _had_ always expressed an interest in wanting to walk in my father's footsteps of running the company one day. Back when I thought all I needed to know was the value of money and business.

But now... I really didn't know.

"Can I.. think about it?"

My father looked surprised. He knew that wasn't the answer he was expecting out of me. It was barely the answer _I_ expected out of myself.

"Of course, son. I know it's a big decision to make. I still remember the day your grandfather asked me.. I said no at first.." he trailed off, giving a little laugh to himself at his memories.

"Some days, I wonder if I should have just kept my answer as 'no'.."

He shook his head and breathed in deeply before smiling at me knowingly. He understood how heavy the decision was for me.

"Do you want to come back home, son?"

I looked past my father at the fence.

"You.. said I was to stay here for 3 months, right?"

My father nodded at me.

"Can I stay for the last month? I want to.." I looked away from the fence and back to the garden ".. tend to a few more things first."

My father laughed at me "Look at you, huh! You're a dedicated little gardener now! Wait until I tell your mother. She won't believe it."

I offered a small smile. The garden wasn't what I wanted to tend to anymore. It was the one who planted it that I wanted to give my attention to now.

"Alright, Beomgyu. Do what you need to do. I'll busy myself with trying not to go insane from your grandfather.." he gave me a knowing look and lifted himself up, finishing his tea off with a large mouthful of it and handed the teacup back to me.

"Thanks for the tea. Take care and call me if you need anything."

"I will," I smiled up at him and watched as he walked away down the driveway.

I fiddled with the teacups in my hands, my smile only brightening the more I thought about Kai's oncoming visit in hopefully only another few hours time.

A few more hours did pass, but there was still no sign of Kai. But it was only 5 pm. It wasn't even dark yet. I'd wait up all night if that's what it took.

I filled in my time with yet more smiling stupidly to myself. I caught a glance of it on myself in my bedroom mirror. It began to remind me of the ridiculous smiles that Soobin and Yeonjun had worn when they first got together.

As much as I didn't understand the happiness to begin with.. I think I knew now.

I played my guitar for a while in the living room, but, much like the other night when I got drunk and wrote a song, I soon began to feel more lyrics and chord progressions pop up inside of me. The more I waited and thought about Kai, they just came to me so naturally. I didn't need a drunken mind for these sober thoughts now.

I smirked to myself and mentally cursed Soobin for a second. He said he expected love songs out of me by summer that time he came to visit me.

Big bastard. _Is_ this a love song? I didn't.. really know yet..

But I wanted to share it with Soobin and Yeonjun. It was a rock song, after all, which is what we excelled at. It could be a good one to perform once they added their parts in with a drum and bass line.

I set up my phone to record next to me and started playing it to send it to them afterwards.

[These Stones Will Shout](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EYjR8NorGg)

I began fingerpicking the strings. Don't need a fucking plastic pick when God gifted these talented hands to me, after all. I steadied my hand with my pinkie finger against the pickguard, a little habit of mine. But it did make playing easier.

 _Well you impress me so completely_ _  
__I start obsessing to hear from you_ _  
__Whatever you do, you do sweetly_ _  
__It takes a lot to not take from you_

I smiled to myself as I sang, thinking about how Kai endlessly impressed me that morning. Even.. prior to that, not having wanted to admit it. And I _was_ starting to obsess about hearing from him now. He still had, what seemed like, an awful lot he had to tell me. That was obvious. Whatever it was.. he was struggling with it still.

 _And if you find yourself repeating  
_ _Some of those incoherent sounds  
_ _Just talking to yourself is cheating  
_ _You might as well stick your head in the ground_

Heh. Yes. He may as well have had his head in the ground, along with all his plants. The roots of who he was still hidden from me. I was.. beginning to feel frustrated again. As sweet as he had been with me earlier, the patience was starting to slip the more into the song I progressed.

I know you can do it, Kai. If _I'm_ capable of such growth in the past 2 months, then _you're_ capable of telling me why you've given me everything on a silver platter without a bill to pay.

I pushed my foot down into the distortion pedal connected between my guitar and the amp. The house was filled with the metal humming of a harder rock sound to the song now as my mind and heart filled with my ever-growing curiosity for Kai.

 _I feel compelled to just yell out for you_ _  
_ _To say the words that you can't bring out_ _  
_ _But I cannot do everything for you_ _  
_ _And if I don't then these stones will shout_ _  
_ _  
_I stared out through the window and saw the roof of his house. Get off your ass already, Kai. Come to me. My heart needs it more than you could ever know.

 _So if I were to just lay here silent_ _  
__And see if you would take control_ _  
__The stones below me may be compelling_ _  
__And they would wrestle me, pester me, mess with me_ _  
__Just trying to free your soul_

The song reached its peak, almost as much as my own heart could take.

 _Speak to me and don't speak softly_ _  
__Talk to me and let me know_ _  
__Grab hold of my shoulder and tell me  
_ _Grab hold and do not let go_

I ended the song, panting slightly from the pure amount of heart and soul I put into my singing and playing. It was probably the most real thing I had ever composed. Even more than the song I wrote the other night.

I looked down at my phone, stopping the voice recording and sent it to Soobin and Yeonjun.

10 minutes passed and I was soon receiving messages from them both.

"Ummm... BG...? Is this really you, buddy?!" I received from Yeonjun. I grinned and soon Soobin was replying.

"Woooowwww.... I need a moment." I laughed and replied to the group chat.

"What do you think? I wrote it just now."

"This will sound incredible with a drum and bassline towards the bridge!" Soobin replied.

"Oh FUCK yeah it will!" Yeonjun replied not long after.

"Beomgyu..." Soobin sent a moment later.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Is this a love song for the neighbour, by chance?"

I smiled brightly at the message and laughed. But I didn't really know how to reply. At that point.. I couldn't say no... but I couldn't say yes either.

"Maybe," I eventually replied.

"CALLED IT!" Soobin sent back almost immediately.

I rolled my eyes and _giggled_ to myself.

My phone was then sent a _flurry_ of messages from the pair of them asking questions about Kai and I couldn't even reply to them all. They were both so excited for me.

I couldn't keep up with all the questions and eventually just put my phone to the side, hearing it buzz and beep at me every few seconds.

They weren't who I was wanting to hear from still.

I noted the time on my phone. 5:53 pm. The sun was starting to set now. I watched the changing colours of the sky through my sliding doors, how beautifully the light hit the flowers at this time, between day and night.

I began to think about my father's offer to come home and take over the company but also about the increasing urge to just..

Stay.


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably the most critical chapter in the entire story. All I will say is: Don't hate me but trust me. I wouldn't say I enjoyed writing this chapter. In fact, it was quite stressful. But put some faith in me as a writer when I say that the story is far from over. This chapter contains mentions of a dead body and life-threatening driving.

I lay back on my bed in the dark, tossing my phone up and down, up and down; waiting.

Several hours had passed and it was almost midnight. And still... no sign of Kai.

I had opened my draft messages to him on my phone countless times, wanting to ask him if he was still coming over, but...

I had begged him enough already. The last little amount of selfish pride I still had in me wouldn't let me beg him again.

I tried to stay awake, but I drifted in and out of sleep in patchy patterns. Every time I slipped into my dreams, I had ones about flowers blooming out of my shoulder. But the more I kept falling into the visions, the more the flowers were shrinking back into myself.

My hope was fading. My growth stunted once more with the absence of Kai's nurturing presence.

Eventually, my body just gave up from the overwhelming events of the day and I fell asleep entirely.

**~**

I awoke the next morning, lying on my side away from the window and stared blankly into empty space, feeling like a ton of bricks had hit me with the realization that Kai hadn't shown up.

But I began to notice something.

Near the ceiling, I could make out the faintest traces of colours flashing through my opened curtains. Red and blue.

I blinked at them in confusion.

Police?

I bolted up from my bed and looked into my driveway out the window. There was nothing there. It must have been coming from Kai's driveway.

I jumped up onto my bed and saw not a police car, but an... ambulance parked in Kai's driveway behind that white car of that blonde man.

"... what..." I whispered out.

I could now see two paramedics walking out of Kai's front door. They were... carrying a stretcher with a black body bag on top of it.

There was... someone inside of it.

I shakily inhaled a deep breath that just didn't seem to end. My lungs wanted to burst.

I now saw Kai's blonde acquaintance standing in the doorway. Alone. Holding off tears.

 ** _"Kai!"_** I exhaled so sharply it could have cut the air.

My legs gave out underneath me but I forced them to _run_. Every nerve was shaking. Every pore was sweating. Every muscle ached as I charged from my house. Adrenaline replaced the blood in my veins entirely as I sprinted up Kai's driveway upon my bare feet.

" **KAI!!.**. **NO**... No, no, no-no-no-no-no... **_PLEASE God_** _.._ " I screamed and whimpered as I continued running and stumbling towards the back of the open ambulance.

I could barely see or hear anything as my senses became a blur from the pain inside my heart that spread to reach every corner of my being.

The stretcher was being loaded into the ambulance and I burst into it past the paramedics to the concealed body.

"Hey! Who are you?!" one of them demanded.

I collapsed over the body bag and howled out the deepest scream that had ever left me, clutching at the bag desperately as I almost lifted it off the stretcher entirely.

"Sir, do you know the deceased?!" one of the paramedics was yelling at me as they pulled at my arm but I refused to let go.

"Don't let him see the body!" the blonde was yelling at them now.

.......

... And why the **_fuck_** not... ?

 **"What have you done to him?!"** I screamed at the blonde, his large eyes squinting at me in concern as he jumped into the ambulance now. Three sets of hands were grabbing at me, pulling at me from all directions to keep me away.

No...

**_No. Enough. I need answers._ **

The adrenaline that still pumped through my veins gave me almost inhuman strength as the blonde was gripping my wrist firmly, trying to haul me back. But I gripped the zip of the body bag with my other hand, it was pulled down with the force in which he pulled me away.

My eyes widened as I saw a patch of powdery coloured skin peek out from the black bag. But it wasn't smooth and young like Kai's. It was... old.. **_wrinkled.._**

"Beomgyu! You need to leave!" The blonde demanded at me, still trying to pull me away but I clenched the muscles in my thighs, even stronger than usual, as I refused to move.

"Who... **_Who the fuck is this?!_** "

I ripped the zip down further and my world began to spin around me. This definitely wasn't Kai.

It was the body of an old lady. Long, straight salt and pepper coloured hair, and upon her neck...

A tattoo... of a flower.

"Beomgyu!" I heard Kai's voice calling for me now from outside the ambulance, but it was muffled from how fast my head was still spinning.

I let the blonde pull me away now and I stumbled out the back of the ambulance, falling to my knees.

"Who is he?! What's he doing here?!"

"The neighbour."

I heard voices speak around me as I just stared down at the concrete driveway.

" ** _Don't_** leave yet. Get into the ambulance and wait for me," the blonde man spoke.

"Beomgyu.." I heard Kai's voice again, shaking with what sounded like fear.

I saw Kai kneel down in front of me, felt his hands on my shoulders. But as I kept staring down at the ground, the image of the tattoo on the woman's neck was all I could see or comprehend.

It was... her. The criminal. The one my family had been looking for all this time.

It _had_ to be. She would be around the right age now since it happened 40 years ago. How many women that age go around with a fucking tattoo of a flower on their neck?!

I felt like throwing up as my stomach began to churn like a flour mill inside of myself.

"Beomgyu.. Please.." Kai was begging me now, trying to pull me up from my knees.

I snapped my head up at him, an inferno blazing in my eyes as I stared him down.

"Who is she to you, Kai?! Why is she here?!" I spat.

He opened his mouth to answer but I shot up, bolting straight past him and into his house. I looked up and down the long, white hallway, trying to find _any_ clue to her name or identity.

"Beomgyu, wait!" Kai begged from behind me as he came running in to grab my shoulders but I shook him off.

The living room was to my left and I sprinted into it, eyes darting around in all directions. There was nothing but plants and furniture. No photos. No personal items. Nothing of any use to me. **_Nothing_**.

I snapped my head back to the hallway but both Kai and the blonde were standing within the doorway; concern not leaving an inch of either of their faces untouched.

"Get out of my way!" I ran towards them, trying to push past to get to the bedrooms for clues but with their combined strength they held me at arm's length.

"Beomgyu... Please, button-"

"Who is that woman, Kai?! Answer me!!"

I stumbled back upon unsteady feet, sweat beginning to seep through my t-shirt as I just couldn't seem to catch my breath.

Kai slowly, cautiously stepped forward towards me, fear quivering in his eyes and I became a deer caught in the headlights of his gaze.

"She..." He stopped and sighed deeply, dropping his gaze to the cream coloured carpet at our feet.

"Kai.." the blonde spoke at his side, wrapping his arm around Kai's tightly in an attempt at comfort. I glared at him harder than I ever had.

"I.." Kai tried to continue, "I think you already know who she is, Beomgyu.." he sounded surrendered now.

I slowly shook my head, tears departing from my cheeks to hit the top of my bare feet.

"You... you've been hiding her... haven't you..." my throat tightened with a pain of all sources.

"She... she was my grandmother.." Kai whispered.

My eyes widened as Kai now walked past me to sit upon a couch to my right. The blonde stayed in the doorway as he kept darting his eyes back and forth between us both.

His.. grandmother? ...

My head sank now as I brought a hand up to my face, a shaking, perspiring fingertip tracing my left eyebrow as the room began to spin once more. This was too much.

A deeply pained sigh escaped Kai from my right. He was on the verge of tears.

"I.. I was looking after her, Beomgyu. She was sick... She... died last night.."

We all stood and sat in silence as the weight of Kai's words sank into me. Time seemed to stop. But I could hear a clock ticking upon one of the walls that surrounded me.

**_Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock._ **

Time kept spinning; out of my control. No. Please just stop.

I almost jumped out of my own skin as Kai began speaking again, having withdrawn so deeply into my own head.

"I'm so... very sorry, Beomgyu.. But please try to understand-"

The sound of his apology made me snap.

"Shut up! Stop apologizing!" I turned to him, my hands becoming fists like usual whenever I was around him.

"You _knew_ what you were doing! You were hiding a **_criminal!"_**

I edged closer to him now and the blonde was rushing to my side to hold me back from outright smacking Kai across the face.

"Do you know how **_long_** my family have been searching for her?! Do you have **_any_** idea what that woman did to my family?! The pain and stress she's caused?!"

Every last word my father spoke to me about her was ringing in my head now. I could see the stress upon my father's face. I could feel the ache in my heart from all the loneliness this woman caused me from stealing my time with my father away from me. But she couldn't even face her crimes now, being dead.

Her guilty verdict.. now lay with Kai.

He was shaking his head at me, all the tears he was holding back now falling. Watching them only increased my anger.

"Do you know how many years in jail you face now? Once the police find out that you've been concealing the identity of a wanted criminal?!"

Kai swallowed hard at my words, giving a subtle nod, accepting it, but his eyes were begging me to remain silent.

The blonde now stepped in between us, a hand pressed firmly into my chest and his eyes giving a dangerous look into mine.

"I think you should be going now, Beomgyu. I won't let you talk to Kai like this. Not for one more second."

"And just who the _**fuck**_ are you, huh?! His Lawyer?! Making sure he makes all the right moves to not get caught?!" I gritted my teeth at him.

"I'm a Doctor. And Kai's best friend," he said calmly, his eyes still holding mine as he remained composed in the face of my impatience.

I blinked at him, my expression dropping slightly as he carried on.

"I've been coming here to give medical check-ups and medication to Kai's grandmother."

My eyes squinted back up. I didn't believe him.

"Bullshit! You don't even look old enough to be out of college yet!"

"You're right. I don't. But I guess considering I started my medical studies in the middle of high school, you _would_ think I'm not old enough," he continued staring me down, not even batting an eye.

He lifted a finger up to the side of his temple, tapping it a few times "Big brain, you see."

"Can you both just please stop.." Kai whimpered out from behind the blonde on the couch.

I glared so hard at him over the blonde's shoulder that my teeth showed in an almost feral manner.

"Stop _**what**_ , Kai? The truth from finally coming out?!"

His Doctor friend was pushing me back now, edging me towards the doorway but I persisted.

"Was this the whole reason you were so kind to me?! Because you knew of my family wanting your grandmother?!"

I was pushed into the doorway now by the blonde, but I gripped the edges of it with my hands.

"Is that why you kissed me yesterday?! Huh?! Keeping your friends close but your enemies **_closer?!"_**

The pained looked in Kai's eyes was now almost enough to reach my heart.

"No, Beomgyu.. I care about you.. and I.. " he trailed off, struggling like he _always_ fucking did when it came to speaking his heart.

"I love y-"

I ran, sprinting from the property out through the front door.

No. **No** ** _._** No, you _don't_ love m-

You can't. How _could_ you? Not when this is what you had been keeping from me all this time.

I ran directly into my backyard, halting in front of the flowers as my fists opened and closed.

It was all a beautiful lie.

My hands grasped at the necks of the flowers, ripping them in handfuls and I tossed them back over the fence into his yard with a grunt.

I stumbled to my knees, my head still disorientated. I lifted my gaze to my driveway, looking at my car.

I need to get out of here.

I raced inside, snatching my keys off the kitchen counter and back out to my car.

I wrenched the door open, closing it with a slam as the engine roared to life and began reversing out fast. I clipped the edge of my fence, hearing the metal dent and the wood crack under the pressure.

Clutch down. Gear in 1st. Gas to the floor. Tyres screeching like my thoughts. The smell of burnt rubber. Run from the pain. It's what you're best at, Beomgyu.

I launched the car forward, watching the speedometer climb.

30, 50, 70, 100.

I gripped the steering wheel hard as my miles per hour sped out of control.

120, 140, 160, 200.

Keep going, Beomgyu. Keep running.

250, 280.. **_300_**.

I saw a sharp corner up ahead in the distance, approaching the side of a cliff that overlooked the city in the very far distance.

I hesitated my foot upon the brake.

Should I...?

Kai's tear painted face suddenly flashed through my mind and it forced my foot down in an instant, all 4 tyres screaming. I slammed the steering wheel to a hard left, the ass of the car spinning around but I maintained control. I knew how to drive. But I knew how to stop too.

And the car did, just inches away from the edge of the cliffside.

I pushed the door open, stumbling out of it and collapsed down onto a dusty patch of earth, lifting my clouded eyes to my hometown in the distance. The tips of the tallest buildings piercing the morning clouds, like tiny needles into a pincushion.

I could hear the car radio playing behind me. My ears filled with a delicate plucking of muted electric guitar strings, almost mimicking the sound of the hands of a clock.

[Who](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS0YXAfUo4k)

_I need a walk, I need a walk_ _  
__I need to get out of here  
_ _Cause I need to know  
_ _Who are you?_

... I _do_ know who you are now, Kai.

A liar. A fraud.

 _Cause something has changed_ _  
__You're not the same, I hate it_ _  
__Oh, I'm sick of waiting for love_ _  
__Oh, I know that you're not the one_

The one? ... Not anymore, he wasn't. I _was_ sick of waiting for his love.... Love that wasn't even true to begin with. How can someone show _real_ love while being a _fake_?

You'll get what's coming to you, Kai.

Is Kai even your real name? Or was that another lie too? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called my father.

"Beomgyu? Jesus, son, it's not even 6 am, what are you-"

"Come get me, dad. I'm done with this place."

My father sighed and groaned, still disorientated from having woken up so early on a Saturday morning.

My eyes fixated upon the cityscape in the distance with a hardened resolve like none I'd ever had.

"... I have something to tell you."


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... almost cried at a few points. This chapter was inspired by the first song featured 'Walls'. The song means a lot to me. And I've been waiting for this chapter to use it as it's so fucking symbolic of their situation as it stands. It was one of the first songs I ever decided to use within the story. Took 17 chapters to get to it though! Also, slightly shorter chapter, but still pretty important (I guess all the chapters are important though when I think about it 😂..) Enjoy!

I sat upon the dusty clay of the cliff face for at least another 2 hours. One car drove past me. Maybe two. I don't know.

My father said he would come to pick me up around midday. I still had to go back to the house and pack my belongings. But I was unmoving from my reluctance to be anywhere near Kai and his lies. Maybe he was already on the run, thinking I had already gone to the police.

But something about the acceptance I saw in his eyes when it was all finally revealed bothered me. Like he wasn't even really _worried_ about the prospect of being locked behind bars for the next 10-15 years for being guilty by association.

.. Well he fucking **_should_** be. I would tell my father about all of it once he arrived.

I picked myself up off the ground with my fresh determination and drove slowly back to the house. If Kai was still there... if he even _breathed_ near me, I would tear his throat out.

The car _finally_ ran out of gas halfway up my driveway as I arrived. I was surprised it hadn't before that point considering how hard and fast I drove it before. You made a good car, dad.

I couldn't hear any noise over the fence as I walked up to my front door. I packed my clothes. I gathered my guitar and equipment and stacked them near the door. I looked around my bedroom and glanced at the walls, my eyes eventually falling onto the mirror.

My expression was dark and annoyed, much it had been when I first got there 8 weeks ago. Full circle, huh?

I walked out into the living area, checking for anything else I would need to take with me. Kai's picnic basket and blanket were upon the kitchen counter. The food can stay here and _rot_ for all I care. Just like he would behind bars.

I noticed my sliding doors were still open from when I had rushed inside to get my keys. I walked over to them, avoiding the gaze of the remaining flowers at all costs until I heard something.

A guitar. Kai's. With his shitty, old strings that were probably as old as his grandm-.. That _criminal_ was.

[Walls](https://youtu.be/BdF41Ne2cnQ)

My hands gripped the edge of the sliding door, I was about to slam it closed until I heard him start to sing.

 _I can't get there on my own_ _  
__You can't leave me here alone_ _  
__I'm just trying to do what's right_ _  
__Oh a man ain't a man unless he's fought to fight_

... Fuck you, Kai. I _will_ leave you here alone. You were trying to do what's right?! Don't make me fucking **_laugh_**. The _right_ thing is turning yourself in!

I burst out of the doors now, I opened my mouth to yell obscenities at him but he kept on singing before I could and it silenced me.

 _I'm just here to fight the fire_ _  
__Oh a man ain't a man unless he has desire_

.....

My eyes glanced over the remains of the garden, the burnt remains of the fire laying underneath.

'Just here to fight the fire'? Which one, Kai? The one that burnt down all my efforts? Or the one that burned inside of me with my initial and _still present_ hatred for you?

Just fucking give up, Kai. Hang your firefighter hat up now. This inferno will just keep burning. And it will _stay_ burning until I see you locked up. Your lies are _more_ than enough fuel to keep _that_ desire smouldering.

I turned around, about to walk back inside but he kept on with his song, my eyes widening with the bridge as his tone changed, now deeply painful.

_You tore out my heart..._

I looked back over my shoulder at some of the bare patches of flowers that I had torn out.

_You threw it away..._

I looked back over to the fence where I had thrown them all.

 _The Western boy with Eastern eyes_ _  
__Took a wrong turn and found surprise awaits_

... I had taken a wrong turn. That very day I first crossed my driveway to his to go over there when he _pestered_ to help me.

I never should have let you get to me, Kai.

 _When the walls come down_ _  
_ _When the walls come down_ _  
_ _When the walls come down_ _  
_ _When the walls come down_ _  
_ _  
_He kept repeating the line, his voice sang the very essence of his.. heart. I could hearit. But I... I didn't want to _feel_ it.

God **_damn_** it, music. Why do you _do_ this to me?

I kept my eyes upon the fence. 'When the... walls... come down...'

They had. Not only was the long wall of wood that separated our properties crumbling due to the fire, but.. our _own_ walls.

He tore mine down the day before with his kiss. And I tore his down that morning with my anger. We were both finally exposed to the other..

_Now there's nothing in the way_

Tears gathered in my eyes, but as I had previously fought them off a few months ago, refusing to cry them, I held them within my lash line with a sharp pang in my throat.

No, Beomgyu. Bring _your_ walls back up. Letting them fall in the first place is what got you into this mess. You _knew_ what catching feelings could do to you. And you caught them anyway. Like an ** _idiot_**.

I walked through into the house, closing the doors behind me. I sank down into the couch heavily and just waited for my father to arrive.

Hurry up already, dad. Just get me out of here.

He eventually arrived, his car engine shutting off and his knuckles beating upon my front door with a few knocks.

I opened it for him. He was in his casual clothes today.

"Hey, son. Ready to go then?" he asked, beginning to grab at a few of my belongings. I helped load his car up and I walked back inside, giving the living room and kitchen one last look over.

My eyes fell onto the rose Kai had given me. I had put it into a glass of water that sat next to my sink under the window. I walked over to it, holding my open hand around the bloom that was still only half-open.

I glared at it. I wanted to crush it and watch its petals fall between my fingers. I heard my father walk back into the house behind me and he interrupted the thoughts.

"So.. you said you had something to tell me?"

My fingers were suddenly shaking around the rose. I opened my mouth to speak.

"I... need to tell you that..."

.. Why was this so hard? Just **_end_** it, Beomgyu. **Tell him**. Tell him that the source of all the pain within the family was just over the fence. **_Say it_**.

"Son?" my father questioned me further from behind me.

I turned to him and his face dropped as he saw the tears that sprung up again in my eyes.

"Beomgyu..?"

I turned back around to the rose and stared it down.

My skin went cold. My heart skipping suddenly like a smooth stone across the water until it sank into the ocean of my memories of the past 2 months.

His eyes. His smile. His laugh. His flowers. His music. His kiss. His.. touch.. His **_lies_** **..**

_"Think you can handle this?"_

I remembered his words when his hands were on top of mine, showing me how to plant flowers the first time I saw him.

... No, Kai.

I _can't_ handle this.

You're too much. You've _always_ been too much.

I dropped my hand from the rose slowly, my shoulders slouching.

"Son.." my father's hand was on my shoulder now.

"I wanted to tell you that..." I bowed my head.

"I've... seen all I need to see from being here. I want to go home. I want to.. take over the company for you."

"Okay, son," I could hear my father smile his words out to me proudly at my side as he gave a few encouraging pats upon my back.

I kept my head down as I followed him out to his car and got into the passenger seat.

"I'll get Angela to come out here in the next few days with some gas for your car and bring it back into the city."

I didn't reply as I looked down into my lap after fastening my seatbelt, the car reversing out of the driveway.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back as we backed out onto the road. I couldn't look at his house as we drove past it and away.

"Do you want to play your music?" my father asked as he pressed the Bluetooth button on the dash.

"My phone doesn't want to connect via Bluetooth anymore."

"Oh... Guess you'll have to put up with my shitty old music again, huh?!" he laughed, trying to brighten the mood. It didn't.

[All Out Of Love](https://youtu.be/Yf1S7dSMWPU)

That damned Air Supply song of his started playing again. The very same one that he had put on during our drive out there 2 months prior.

 _I'm lying alone with my head on the phone  
_ _Thinking of you 'till it hurts  
_ _I know you hurt too, but what else can we do?  
_ _Tormented and torn apart_

I swallowed hard and fought off the growing lump in my throat.

I still hated the song. But.. for a different reason now.

I lowered my seat back once more like I once had when I first heard it. But I didn't have my headphones now to block it out. I sat there and suffered through it as we made our way out of the outskirts back into the city.

**~**

We arrived home not quite an hour later. It felt so strange to be back.

I let myself out of the car and my mother was standing in the huge front doorway with a big smile on her face and her arms being held wide open to me.

"Come here, 'Gyu! Give your mother a hug! Oh, I've missed you so much!"

I slowly walked over to her and she hugged me tighter than my previous grip around a stack of cash. The familiar scent of her expensive perfume filled my head.

"Hey.." I said quietly, not really feeling in the mood for bright and happy welcomings.

"Can I get you anything? An Americano, perhaps?!" she asked as she suddenly looked around for one of the various housemaids to call upon.

"No.. I don't feel like coffee right now.." I said dully and wandered into the house past her.

"That's not like you! I guess country living really has changed you, huh baby-boy?!"

I shrugged and suddenly felt so small in the huge entranceway of the house. I had gotten used to the small confinements of my previous dwellings.

"Oh! Toto will be _so_ happy to see you! He's missed you, you know," my mother smiled as she spoke about my pet parrot.

The mention of him _did_ make me smile slightly.

"I'm going up to my room. Call me when dinner's ready."

"Okay!! And welcome back home!"

I walked slowly up the 3 flights of stairs to reach the floor my bedroom was upon. I felt the events of the past few days begin to melt away more and more as I made my way through the house, my thoughts beginning to settle down as I sunk into the comfort of the familiar walls and floors.

I pushed my bedroom door open, my eyes following the light wooden floorboards with various fluffy white rugs scattered like the patches of a cow. Toto chirped at me from inside his cage seated upon a table near the large, wide windows.

I smiled as I approached him.

"Hey buddy.."

He chirped at me some more, becoming a little green blur as he fluttered from perch to perch. He seemed excited.

I opened his cage and stuck my hand inside of it and felt his little clawed feet wrap around my hand as he landed upon me. I slowly drew him out of his cage and gently stroked his smooth feathers with the back of my other hand.

"Been behaving yourself while I've been gone?" I asked him and he began nibbling at my finger, almost a little too roughly.

"That's a 'no'.." I grinned.

My expression dropped slightly as I eyed up his cage and the little bars he had been kept behind... almost like a jail cell.

My heartbeat picked up and I eyed up the window to my left, looking out across almost the entire neighbourhood from my 3rd floored position within the house. It was such a beautiful, clear day.

I looked back down at Toto and then back to my window. My hand was reaching for the latch and I pushed it open, stepping closer. My little feathered friend fluttered about on the back of my hand suddenly. I never opened the window with him out of his cage before, too scared he would escape.

I gently stroked my fingertips along his bright yellow and blue crest upon his beak, gazing into his little black eyes that blinked at me curiously.

I could barely believe what I was doing as I held my hand that we was perched upon out of the window now.

"I'll... let you go free.." I whispered to him.

Though.. I began to realize it wasn't Toto I was really speaking to at that moment.

The image of Kai's teary eyes flashed through my head when I had yelled at him, asking him if he knew of how many years ahead of him he would spend behind bars.

In an instant, my parrot flew away from my hand out the window. I gasped in surprise anyway as I just watched him glide off high above the property.

I placed my hands into the white windowsill as I watched his little winged form become smaller and smaller the further into the distance he flew.

I felt a small weight lift itself off my heart as I stood there watching until he became a tiny black dot in the blue skies.

"Keep yourself out of trouble.." I whispered as I felt two tears glide down my cheeks.


	19. Chapter 18

**3 months later**

Mandarin segments are fucking weird looking things.

Place two of them side by side and they almost look like a _brain_.

Heh.. sure could fucking use one of those right about now. Mine's about to give up.

I twirled the citrus fruit around between my fingers as my eyes glazed over, staring at my computer screen upon my office desk until the open document in front of me was a black and white blur of white noise.

Coffee.

I need coffee.

 _Black_ coffee.

I picked up the phone receiver upon my desk and pressed the 5 button on the number pad. It rang for only about half a second before Angela picked up.

"Hey Beom!" her voice sang sweetly at me down the line, sickeningly so.

"Can you bring me an Americano? ... Please," I said as flat as a detuned guitar string.

"Sure thi-"

I placed the phone back down and swung about on my office chair, twirling around on the spot, trying to get my mind in the mood to do _anything_.

My father was in yet another meeting and I was left with some management systems and analytics study to do while he was busy.

Fuck me, it was boring. Mostly because I _already_ had knowledge of most of the information. It was almost too easy. But as tedious as it was, with my knowledge, it _did_ mean I could hopefully be CEO in less than a year without _too_ much assistance.

I heard my office door open from behind me, the sound of Angela's high heels clicking against the black porcelain floor tiles. I slowly swung back around to see her place a small white cup upon my large glass-top desk.

"Here you go! One Americano!" If it were possible to 'squint' your ears at someone's voice, I would have.

I picked up the cup immediately and inhaled its sweet, rich scent of the dark liquid. The nerve-endings of my dozing mind felt awake again already.

And Angela wasn't leaving yet.

"So.." she said quietly now; shy.

Ugh. Here we fucking go again.

I put a halt to where I _knew_ she was going with the conversation before she could carry on.

"I'm way too busy still. I _told_ you. I'll take you out to dinner when I have some free time."

I looked up at her for a split second, watching her shoulder-length, wavy blonde hair bounce slightly as she bowed her head.

"Oh.." she whispered out, unimpressed.

I darted my eyes back down into the coffee cup, taking a quick sip from it and instantly regretted it with how it burnt my tongue.

"Okay, well... see you later.." she turned around, walking slowly back out of my office, her shoes making her sound like a dejected racehorse upon the floor.

I sighed deeply as she closed the door behind herself. I had been rejecting her not-so-subtle invitations for a few months now. I just.. didn't want to be bothered with it. Especially considering the _reason_ I promised her dinner with me in the first place all those months ago.

I had paid the bill for the billboard advertisement, even though I still had another 2 months until it was due. I didn't like seeing it sit there in my paperwork tray staring at me as a constant reminder.

It was good to have money back again, though. And it was actually _mine_ this time. My allowance stopped as soon as I started working under my father's wing. Certainly wasn't as much money as I was allowed from him prior, it was more of an intern's salary.

I still lived at home, although I was now being charged board money to live there. My father still wasn't _that_ easy going with me after I left the outskirts. He felt he needed to keep up his hard work with me.

Tch.. fair enough... I _guess_.

I took another sip from my coffee cup and popped the joints in my fingers, readying myself for more study until my phone beeped at me from upon my desk. I glanced over at it to see a new message in the band's group chat.

"Are you coming over tonight, Beomgyu?" was sent from Soobin as I read the message preview window on my phone.

I sighed, leaving him with 1 tick next to the message instead of 2; unread.

Yet another thing I had been avoiding. Much like I kept telling Angela I was too busy for 'extra-curricular' activities, I had been ghosting Soobin and Yeonjun a bit too with the same excuse.

I was hesitant to slip back into parts of my old life. I just wanted to focus on my career and reach the top to take the 'throne' from my father. Music, at that point, felt like a setback, if anything.

I didn't even listen to it that much anymore, let alone actually play. My guitar gathered more dust than the empty insides of Toto's cage.

But I _was_ becoming.. restless.. bored. Maybe seeing my band.. my _friends_.. might not be a bad idea.

I eventually replied to Soobin, telling him I would come over and put my head down for the rest of the day, managing to get a good amount of work done.

I started leaving for the day at around 6 pm. I walked out of the elevator at the bottom floor into the lobby. Angela was there in the far corner upon the spotless glass floors, watering all the indoor plants that sat around the entranceway. I quickly walked past her, trying to avoid her but she noticed me before I could walk out the automatic sliding doors. As she usually did.

"Have a nice weekend, Beom.. whatever you're doing with it.." she smiled somewhat sadly at me.

Is she trying to guilt-trip me now?

Stop being _pathetic_ , woman. Go re-paint your nails behind your desk like usual and find another man to bother. Preferably one who's straight. I can't even _count_ on my hands how many of them undress you with their eyes.

I gave a subtle roll of my own at her and left the building, walking into the small parking lot reserved only for the vehicles of the higher-ups, which I was now included in. I got into my car and noticed my father's was still parked next to mine. I presumed it would be yet another late night for him.

I sped off onto the highway and made my way home. No music playing. The satisfying deep purrs of my engine as I shifted up through my gears were a nice enough sound on their own. So _sexy_.

I didn't stop home for long. I changed out of my work suit and threw on a few black articles of clothing, throwing my guitar and amp into the back seat of my car. As I was closing my door, my mother was yelling at me out the front door if I was going to be home for dinner or not.

She pursed her lips together and accepted the sound of my engine starting back up again as a 'no' and walked back inside.

It took me half an hour to reach Soobin and Yeonjun's rented house on the other side of town. The more _run-down_ side of town. They didn't seem to care too much for high-class living when neither of them were born into wealth like I was.

They _did_ have the perfect garage though. For playing music.

I stopped my car up their wide driveway and lugged my equipment out with me up to the side door of the garage, giving it a few knocks.

Yeonjun opened it with a wide, closed-eyed smile "Yo, BG!"

He automatically reached down to grab my guitar amp, bringing it inside for me.

"Well, well, you're _alive!"_ Soobin teased me from across the wide space of the garage. "Yeonjun and I were placing bets on how long it would take you to come around again."

I smirked at him seated behind his drum kit. Prick.

"I bet 6 months. Soobin bet 6 years," Yeonjun nudged my side after placing my amp down near the old couch they had set up against one of the walls.

"Work's had me busy is all," I played it off smoothly as I sat down on the couch next to my amp.

"So how much longer until we can start calling you Mr CEO, huh?" Soobin asked as he adjusted one of his cymbals.

"Another year. If that," I replied as I began unlocking the hard leather case of my guitar.

"OOoooo. Mr big boss man! You definitely won't have time for us by then," Yeonjun joked at me. But there was some tentative truth to his words that Soobin caught onto as well as I did.

"Let's not think about that.. Let's just enjoy the here and now, hmm?" Soobin soothed the slight tension with a bright, pleasing smile.

"You hungry, BG?" Yeonjun asked as he slouched himself casually down into a large, old armchair on the south wall.

I looked down to the small table in front of him. He had not 1 but _3_ bowls of ramen in front of him. I knew at least 2 of them were for him.

"No.." I said as I eyed up the brand of the ramen on the side of the bowls. They were the same ones I used to have to eat every day while being away from home.

"So what happened with Kai?"

I almost dropped my guitar to my feet with Yeonjun's question. I hadn't spoken of him to them since that night when they bombarded my phone with messages wanting to know more about him.

It took me a while to answer and I busied myself with tuning my guitar as I thought of a good response while my skin went as cold as the steel strings I was fiddling with.

"He turned out to be a dick. Just like I first thought he was," I said as calmly as possible, keeping my gaze away from the other two in the concrete room.

"Oh... Sorry to hear, Beomgyu," Soobin said sincerely.

I slowly drew my gaze up to the noisy bass player across the room, slurping back his ramen like no one's fucking business. He still couldn't eat _quietly_.

He nodded happily to himself as he finished his bowls off with ease.

"Man.. I should have put cheese in these, I completely forgot."

"Are we gonna play or not?" I asked, now becoming slightly impatient with my fresh annoyance at the mention of my previous neighbour.

"Sure!" Yeonjun perked up and reached for his faded yellow bass guitar sitting up against the edge of his armchair.

"What do we feel like jamming today, guys?" he asked as he plugged his instrument into his own amp.

Soobin opened his mouth to speak but shut it almost immediately as if to change his mind and then just pouted to himself in thought like a giant zoned-out bunny.

Maybe he was going to suggest that song I had written and sent to them. No, thanks.

"How about Song Cry? We haven't played that for a while!" Yeonjun finally suggested after a few moments silence and grabbed for a microphone stand sitting off to the side to pull it in front of him.

"Fine," I agreed and switched my guitar to a clean setting and glided my fingers over the strings to refresh my memory of the notes.

Soobin counted Yeonjun and I in with a few taps against the edge of his snare drum with his sticks.

[Song Cry](https://soundcloud.com/txt190304/yeonjuns-song-cry)

Yeonjun and I played over each other, setting the sorrowful mood of the song while Soobin sat silently, bouncing his head as he waited for his parts to begin. Yeonjun licked his lips and began singing into the microphone, angled down towards him.

_Sometimes I get emotional_ _  
_ _When I can't seem to find the way I'm supposed to go_ _  
_ _And all these so-called people that I'm supposed to know_

I swallowed hard at the lyrics as the song we had played together all these years was beginning to hit differently all of a sudden.

_They be the main ones, smile up in your face_ _  
_ _But behind your back they hate_

I tried to shut off the sudden imprint of his smile in my mind and.. everything he had hidden behind it. My fingers were slipping upon the strings but I shuffled around, trying to ignore it and recompose myself as we continued into the song.

_I can't hold back these tears_ _  
_ _Let me cry_ _  
_ _They say a man ain't supposed to cry_

Soobin finally joined in on the drums during the chorus and the song suddenly sounded so much more complete with the three of us. I had.. missed this.

_So I'ma let the song cry_ _  
_ _I'ma let my soul cry through these words_

Yeonjun's lyrics were a sudden pain in the ass.

.. Maybe this is why music had pissed me off so much. It had always been a way for me to release emotions. But some of the emotions.. I never really wanted to face. Such a love-hate relationship.

_Every rose needs the rain sometimes_ _  
_ _But know that you can dry your eyes this time_ _  
_ _Let the song cry_

I looked up across the room to Yeonjun as he sang behind his bass. He was looking directly at me. Like he.. _knew_ this is what I needed to hear.

That chilled out ramen-inhaling motherfucker was much more perceptive than I ever gave him credit for.

_What am I supposed to do?  
_ _Hold it all together when I think of you?_

I bowed my head back down and tried ever so hard to just focus on my own parts of the song instead of the lyrics. And I... _did_ let the song cry. I played my very heart out with each and every note, making my guitar weep instead of myself.

As much as the lyrics irked me, I began enjoying myself more with the presence of them both.

**~**

**2 days later**

UGH.

Mondays.

Mondays really need to fuck off.

The day was almost enough for me to contemplate asking my father for 3-day weekends. Almost. But I knew it would just slow down my progress.

I decided at 5:30 pm, with nothing much left to do, that the remaining 30 minutes of my workday were better spent just going the fuck home already.

I exited the elevator into the lobby and yet again, that blonde ball of never-ending persistence was speaking to me.

What _is_ it about blonde's annoying me?

"Heading home early today?" Angela asked from behind the front desk.

"Yeah. Pretty busy still though. Going to go to finish the work at home," I lied and kept walking away from her to the doors.

"I know you're not that busy, Beom.." her voice dropped, almost a whisper but loud enough for me to still hear it echoing at me in the large, glass entrance. It made me stop and look back at her.

"I'll be CEO in a year. Of course, I'm busy," I gave a quirk of an eyebrow at her. She doesn't know anything.

She smiled almost secretively at me and shuffled about in her chair behind the desk before carrying on.

"Don't you know who's been putting your workload together for you all this time?" she asked, now a bit more composed than her usual air-headed self.

My eyebrows knitted together "Of course I do. My father plans my schedu-"

"No, he doesn't. _I_ do."

I blinked and swallowed, feeling like an unwanted spotlight was suddenly shining down on me.

"Your father's too busy to do it. So he gets me to plan your schedule instead," she now lengthened herself in her chair as she just waited for a retort that I frankly couldn't even give.

Was _this_ why the work felt all too easy sometimes? Was she doing this on purpose just to.. free up my time? Jesus, how _badly_ does she want dinner with me, exactly?

"So.. now that I _know_ you aren't too busy. Dinner at 8?" she smirked, knowing full well she held all the strings attached to me as she curled her hair around one of her blood-red painted fingernails.

I sighed dejectedly and turned from her.

God fucking damn it. She was a lot smarter than I thought.

I bowed my head and pinched the bridge of my nose.

Jesus, just get it over and done with already, Beomgyu. It's just dinner, not a triathlon. It won't take any longer than an hour. _Surely_. Then your promise is fulfilled and she can **_finally_** stop bothering you.

"Fine. You have my number," I said as I walked away.

"I'll message you my address! You can pick me up!" she almost _yelled_ across the lobby and it caught the attention of a few workers who were passing through as I continued walking out.

I got into my car and slammed the door closed.

Yeah.

Mondays can _definitely_ fuck off.


	20. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The events of this chapter will probably come as a bit of a shock to you all and may seem.. misplaced and weird. But it's merely a result of what's happening to Beomgyu's psyche at this present point in time. Not only that, but it sets up a rather interesting further turn of events later on between Beomgyu and Kai. Again, please just trust the writer ^^
> 
> Chapter warnings: Things get a bit.. steamy.

My foul mood from work seemed to follow me home like a shadow. I loosened my tie from the hot, late summer weather as I came in through the front door, feeling the air conditioning briefly soothe my body but not my mind.

"Hey, baby bear!" my mother called out to me from one of the nearby living areas, her feet up on the couch with her head hiding behind some lifestyle magazine. "How was work?"

I groaned out an exasperated noise as a reply and went into the kitchen. I opened the pantry and grabbed a 1kg bag of jellies and walked away with them.

"Don't spoil your appetite, 'Gyu! Dinner will be ready in an hour!" my mother called out to me, having heard the plastic rustle of the bag.

"I won't be home for dinner tonight. I'm going out."

"Oooh, is it a date?!" I now saw my mother drop her magazine from her make-up covered face as I walked past the living area, a bright and hopeful glance beaming at me.

"No. Just dinner with a colleague," I carried on upstairs to my bedroom.

"Oh, that's nice, darling! I'm so happy you're making business connections at work. Your father will be prou-"

Her voice dropped off the further away I walked upstairs.

I slumped down onto my bed, loosening my tie further and ripped the bag of jellies open, stuffing 5 of them into my mouth at once and chewed at them in self-pity as I sulked about my oncoming evening.

I started thinking about what clothes to wear. As much as it _wasn't_ a date, I still didn't want to look sloppy. But I didn't want to wear anything that would just entice that annoying woman any further. My good looks were a bit of a curse in situations like this.

I ate about 10 more jellies before the sugar was finally starting to kick in and make me feel a bit better. I wandered over to my closet and pulled the doors open, greeted with a sea of dalmatian colours in black and white.

I flicked through my shirts and my gaze hardened as I saw my BUTTON t-shirt staring at me in amongst it all. I ripped it off the coat hanger and threw it into the corner of the room. That could just go in the trash.

I decided on a long-sleeved white button-down shirt tucked into black jeans. Simple. _Boring_. Perfect.

Angela sent me a message not long after.

"Hey, Beomie! My address is 909 Azarado Boulevard. See you soon ;) x"

I didn't send a reply. The message didn't warrant one.

I left the house at 7:45 pm and drove to the supplied address. The property was a red-bricked, two-storied, slim-lined apartment with shared walls. A large chestnut tree stood proudly between the street and the house. Very middle-class neighbourhood. Very unassuming. Very mediocre.

I thought Angela could at least afford a better place given the salary she was paid by my father.

I soon saw her emerge from her front door, her emerald green leather handbag swinging about like a church bell as she rushed down the steps to my passenger door.

"Heyyy!!!" Her voice _sparkled_ at me like the harsh glare of a crystal wine glass in the morning sunlight; blinding.

"Hi," I replied with a grumble as I sped away, not even waiting for her to fasten her seatbelt properly. "So where are we going?"

"It's the place I told you about months ago!"

I obviously hadn't been listening.

Angela gave me directions as we drove through the city, ending up outside of a place that looked.. _out_ of place in the middle of all the corporate buildings that surrounded it.

I stepped out of the car and the scent of the restaurant hit me harder than my father's smack across the face. The outside walls were covered in pots installed into them and hanging flowers of all colours were in bloom. Climbing roses were intricately woven around the large wooden sign that read _Gardenia_ above the entrance painted in shades of sunset pink.

"Isn't it _so_ cute?!" Angela bounced up and down on the spot next to me, tugging on my arm. "I've always wanted to come here!"

My annoyed stare at the establishment was slowly fading as my eyes and nose took in the display. I was starting to feel... nostalgic.

"Let's go in!" Angela dragged me behind herself through the doors.

The inside was much like the outside; flourishing. With both flowers _and_ people. It seemed like the place was quite popular. Angela got a table near the front window so she could admire the outside flowers more closely. We ordered our meals and her attention was suddenly caught by the small display of flowers sitting on the table to the right of me.

"Oh! These are Orchids! Aren't they pretty?!"

My eyes moved along the edges of the multitude of white blooms with small yellow centres. They.. almost looked like little faces. I could smell them. A combination of cinnamon and citrus. Spicy yet.. refreshing.

Angela was talking about _something_ all of a sudden, but my mind shut off to it the more I stared at the Orchids. My heart was beginning to feel heavy inside of myself, making me feel stuck to my chair. My eyes glazed over as I fiddled about with some of the silverware on the tabletop.

"Are you listening, Beom?" I heard after a moment's silence.

I blinked and shot my gaze up to her. She looked sad.

"I-.. I just don't really like flowers," I said quietly as I looked away from her again.

"Oh.."

I looked back up at her across the table, her expression saddening even more.

I let out a silent sigh. This really hadn't been the best idea. For either of us.

When our meals arrived, I stopped the waiter from leaving and ordered a bottle of plain Soju for myself. I needed to take the edge off and make the experience just a bit more fucking bearable.

Thankfully, our conversations shifted away from flowers and we began to discuss work-related things, which I was slightly more interested in. But the more the alcohol began to let my guard down, the more curious my thoughts became.

"Angela.." I said as I pushed my plate away from myself, finishing off my last mouthful.

"Mmm?" she hummed back, still eating.

"Do you know much about those lawyer meetings my dad attends?" I asked as I poured another shot of Soju into my small glass.

"Wouldn't _you_ know more about them than me? He's _your_ dad," she grinned.

I sighed. My father hadn't spoken to me about them any more than the last time he did. The meetings were becoming longer too.

"Don't worry about it then," I shoved the conversation aside with another mouthful of alcohol before topping the glass back up immediately after.

"Well... I do know _one_ thing about it all.." Angela whispered as she finished her food and edged closer to the middle of the table. I instinctively leaned in closer to listen.

"The legal fees bank account your father holds for that court case is almost empty. If they don't wrap it up soon, the money will need to be pulled from different areas of the company to pay for it all. It's costing _thousands_ per week."

My grip around my shot glass hardened as Angela continued.

"It's been going for 40 years. I've only been with the company for 3.. But _most_ of the money for the case has been used recently for some reason."

I slammed my shot of Soju back a bit too quickly and refilled it once more.

It was obvious. My grandfather was still being difficult about it all which was just costing the family more money. What had he been _thinking_ changing his mind about that woman? I was still missing something.

Even though I had the power to stop it all with the knowledge I had, I.. _still_ couldn't bring myself to. I didn't want to open that box of worms. Not only would it mean it would reveal my grandfather to be a liar for his recent claims, but it would also mean that Kai would-

"Anyway, shall we order dessert?!" Angela cut my train of thought as she picked up the dessert menu next to her.

"I don't want anything," I said simply and just drank the rest of my alcohol directly from the bottle to finish it off. "We should go."

"Oh.. okay then," Angela tried to perk up from the rejection with a plastic smile. "Are you okay to drive? You've.. Been drinking quite a lot tonight.." she said as she eyed up the empty bottle before me.

"I'm fine," I dismissed her concern and stood up but I almost fell over with how all the alcohol had seemed to go straight to my legs instead of my head.

"Hehe.. no, you're not! You can't even stand up straight!" she giggled at me. "I can drive us back to my place! You can call a taxi from there, okay?"

"I don't want you driving my car," I dismissed her once more, trying to find my balance and failing as the room began to spin, the alcohol progressively seeped more and more into my veins.

"But I've driven it before! I brought it back to you from the outskirts, remember?" she grinned, knowing I couldn't argue with her.

"Ugh, fine.." I pulled my wallet out and gave her my credit card, now unblocked from my father.

"Here. Go pay for everything, I'll be waiting in the car."

"Aww, you're _paying_ for me?! How romantic of you.." she giggled and winked at me.

It wasn't romantic. It was just faster that way.

I stumbled my way out of the restaurant, letting myself into the passenger seat of my car and waited. I was feeling more relaxed now that this whole thing was out of the way. I didn't owe anything to anyone anymore. Work would be so much easier to deal with now that Angela wouldn't be asking me for this every damned minute of the day.

She hopped into the driver's seat a minute later, pulling the seat forward to reach the pedals. She was shorter than me, after all.

We took off and I was surprised at how well she drove. My car was powerful and it didn't take much for it to reach an insane speed, but she maintained control with ease. It was almost... oddly _attractive_ to watch someone else in my driver's seat, gripping the gear stick and moving it so confidently.

I blinked, surprised at my own thoughts and focused my attention out the window.

Go home, Beomgyu. You're too drunk.

Halfway there it began to rain and it only got heavier the closer we approached Angela's house. She parked outside her apartment and to my surprise, she placed my keys into her handbag and got out of the car.

"What are you doing? Give me back my keys," I glared at her, confused.

"Heh.. don't you want to come inside for a coffee first before you call for a taxi?" she grinned as she looked at me in the passenger seat, then quickly closed the door to race off out of the rain that was now beating down.

She-

 ** _God_** _,_ women are just terrible. This is why I'm not into them.

I sighed so hard, it steamed up the car window and I got out to follow her inside.

I closed the door behind myself and I could hear her already up ahead through the hallway in the kitchen.

I walked up the narrow hallway and was greeted with a meowing at my feet. I looked down to see a particularly tubby grey and white striped cat looking up at me with big, green eyes.

Heh... cute.

I reached down to pat its head but it swiped at me, leaving small scratch marks on the back of my hand before running away behind me into the hallway with a wobbling tummy.

"Ow..." I growled out as I rubbed the marks on my hand and glared spitefully at the furry little fuck.

"Oh, don't mind Munchkin. He's just angry because I've put him on a diet," Angela giggled from the kitchen to my left. "Have a seat!" she continued and pointed to the living area to my right.

I walked through slowly into the neatly presented room. A 3 seater black leather couch was sitting in the middle, covered in a few white, fluffy faux-fur blankets. A long, dark wood coffee table sat in front of it with various books stacked up on one side. The off-white carpet under my feet was spongy, springy, comfortable.

I sunk down into the middle of the couch and my eyes wandered over the spine of the books, noticing they were all about pottery.

"You.. do pottery?" I asked as I picked one of the books up thoughtfully.

"Not yet! I plan on taking evening classes in a few weeks."

I placed the book back down. I could smell the coffee from the kitchen now and Angela was bringing over two cups, placing them down on the table in front of us before sitting next to me. She picked up a remote sitting upon the table and aimed it at her stereo to my right and a song started.

[Black Coffee](https://youtu.be/kFC2hjE5Nhc)

A slow modern jazz-soul song softly filtered through the air at a comfortable volume. Not uncommon to something you would hear in a cafe; less of a focal point and more of a backdrop.

I took my phone out and opened a taxi app, requesting a pick-up at the earliest convenience and placed it on the table in front of me. I exchanged it for the coffee, lifting it up and inhaling its addictive scent.

"So, what do you do apart from play music?" Angela asked at my side as I kept my gaze away from her into the black fluid cupped between my hands.

I frowned as I thought about her question. "Not much.." I trailed off, becoming a bit sad from the truth in my answer.

My eyes moved to the pottery books again and certain memories came back to me which only seemed to make me feel even more depressed.

"Surely you do more than just _work_ and play music," Angela continued, not sounding convinced.

I bowed my head and took a sip from my cup in thought. Heh.. I did very little with my time in between sleeping, working and the very little amount of music-playing I indulged in.

I shouldn't have had anything to drink. I knew how much it sobered my mind with past experiences. What had you been thinking, Beomgyu?

Angela took a sip from her cup and placed it upon the table.

"You know... Beomgyu.." I turned my head to her, surprised she had actually addressed me by my proper name for once. Her eyes were softened with a distant sadness that almost matched my own.

"I can tell you're upset about something.." she lifted her blue eyes up to me, giving a few bats of her long eyelashes.

I turned from her and gripped my coffee cup firmly.

"I know you're angry a lot of the time, but underneath it.. I can sense.. A deep _sadness_ to you."

I swallowed hard and listened intently for the beeping of the taxi car horn outside to pick me up, but it wasn't there yet.

"What would you know," I dismissed Angela coldly as I took another sip from the hot beverage.

She breathed out a small laugh through her nose. "Yeah. I don't know much about you, but.. We're more than just colleagues. We're _friends,_ right?"

I frowned as I thought about it. No, we weren't. She was just my father's personal assistant. And mine too by default. Nothing more.

"If that's what you want to believe," I gave an emotionless reply and took another large sip from my cup before placing it down. Hurry up, taxi-driver. I'll undercharge you for running late at this point.

"Well... you know I'm always here to talk to, Beomgyu. I know _I_ talk a lot, but.. I'm a good listener too. Talking about problems sometimes halves them, you know?" I could hear her smile out to me at my side.

Heh... how could I.. _possibly_ talk to anyone about anything I was going through?

The past 3 months since I left him and his confessions felt deeply impossible. My life hadn't gone back to normal. And it wasn't just because I was no longer living a selfish existence.

I felt... empty and full at the same time. An hourglass of sand tipping constantly from one side to the other. My life felt void of meaning and full of.. deep complexities that I just couldn't find an answer to.

That woman had died, leaving her guilt with Kai. And by me learning of it, leaving and letting him off free .. I had just _adopted_ his guilt. It just carried on as it had from his grandmother to him. And from him to me; a dark whisper that I couldn't utter to anyone.

It's one thing to keep your own secrets, but another deeply strange experience entirely to keep the secrets of others.

And I couldn't escape it. My grandfather was still costing the company money by lying to the lawyers, and so was _I_ with the truth of it all that I knew. Leaving that place 3 months ago didn't end or fix anything. It lingered. And I was stuck. I could do nothing but remain strapped into the ride that I was on, alone. And I needed to ride it to my grave.

No, Angela. I can't talk to you. I can't talk to _anyone_.

I suddenly felt the couch move slightly to my left and turned my head to see her moving closer to me. She placed her hand on top of mine, softly drawing her fingertips over the small scratches her cat had given me.

"Well... we don't have to _talk,_ Beomgyu.." she whispered now and I darted my eyes up into hers.

I knew this was coming. I could see it from 1000 miles away. But now that I was here... why was I starting to.. _notice_ her all of a sudden..?

I looked over her slowly, she wasn't wearing her usual somewhat provocative attire that she wore at work. Her black skirt was lower to her knees today, the red heels of her shoes shorter and more modest. Her white shirt wasn't low cut and unbuttoned but was done up to her collarbones instead of her bustline. Even her make-up was more.. natural. She wasn't caked-up. I could see her tiny freckles under her azure eyes. Her lips weren't smothered with lipstick, but rather.. just simply shining with her own God-given colour of cherry blossom pink.

Her fingers were linking with mine now and I almost felt trapped by them.

I-.. I couldn't stop staring at her lips now. She was moving closer. I could smell the subtle scent of her perfume, or was it just the coffee? It smelled rich, roasted.. slightly addictive. Jesus Christ, what am I-

She kissed me but it was brief as I pulled back but not entirely. I stared at her impossibly like a ghost before me; unsure if my mind was just playing tricks on me.

She kissed me once more and I just let her as I sat there, confused. But the more I remained in my stupified state, the more my lips slowly started to press back like a marshmallow melting under the heat; sticking.

Her hand was drawing down my arm and settled upon my wrist, wrapping a gentle grip around it as if to tell me 'it's okay'.

.. _Is_ it?

The combinations of alcohol and curiosity got the better of me and I deepened the kiss, exploring it and my weird feelings more. It wasn't _that_ different from kissing a man. But it was as she climbed into my lap.

She kissed me deeply, I could taste the roasted coffee on her tongue as it met mine; both tastes addictive and bad for me but I wanted it anyway and suddenly my hands were around her waist. And not just on her waist. They wandered. Up. Down. Around. She was soft. Supple. Not anything that resembled a supermodel, but... curvy; voluptuous. So very different. So very...

.....

... What **_are_** you doing, Beomgyu? You don't _like_ women. You've **_never_** liked them. So why-

Her hands were roaming my chest now, playing with the top buttons of my shirt. She sat more directly in my lap and I could now feel her warmth pressing down into my hips from between her thighs and the last thread of my control snapped with the foreign, inviting heat.

I could hear the taxi now, calling for me with its horn outside but I ignored it.

You can't go home, Beomgyu. You're too drunk.

**~**

I wearily peeked my eyes open and saw two green ones staring at me disapprovingly in the soft light of the morning. Angela's cat was glaring at me.

I sat up from the bed, looking around myself until my eyes fell to my side, the blonde woman still asleep beside me.

I grabbed for my cell phone sitting upon the bedside table to check the time. 5:30 am. I had work in a few hours. As did... she.

I drew in a deep breath and carefully got out of bed to not disturb her, picking up the scatters of my clothes and got dressed as quickly and quietly as I could. I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't even know what to _think_.

I tiptoed out to the living area, seeing Angela's handbag on the kitchen counter. I took my keys out of it and before I could leave I saw a small painting hanging upon the wall of the hallway. A watercolour painting of a bowl of cherry tomatoes. Those little red things that I had once _hated_ until..

My expressionless face slowly became concerned and somewhat... annoyed.

Why did I feel like last night was somehow... _his_ fault?


	21. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically the epitome of Beomgyu's downfall. He can't sink much lower. But on the upside, things only begin to get better for him after this. His mindset during this phase of the story is -so- very important, as much as it's terrible to see him in such a state. Don't fear for too much longer, readers. This chapter contains We Lost The Summer references, which work out to be quite relevant. Plus a personal favourite song of Beomgyu's featured at the end- it was so perfect for this chapter. Beyond perfect. Thanks for having such immaculate taste in music, Beomgyu ❤
> 
> Chapter warnings: More steaminess 😂

I sat behind my desk at work staring at the screen of my computer that I hadn't even turned on yet. It was only 7 am. I wasn't even meant to _be_ at work until 8.

I left Angela's house and went home for a quick shower and got dressed, coming straight to work before my parents were even out of bed. The housemaids were already doing chores when I got there and they saw me sneak into the house quietly. They loved to gossip though. No doubt I would get questions from my parents, particularly my mother about where I had been.

Not that it's any of their business. I'm an adult, after all. But.. had my actions the previous night been somewhat childish?

I sighed and sank my head into my hands.

You just _had_ to go and fuck everything up, Beomgyu.

You never should have gone into her house. You should have just sat in the car and waited for a taxi and got your keys from Angela the next day.

Things were going fine. The 'date' was over, your promise fulfilled. But _now_ you've just gone and made things 100 times worse.

My previous one-night stands were usually with people I didn't even know. It was easier that way. I wouldn't need to see them the next day at work. But this one had to be with the fucking _personal assistant_. And a _woman_ on top of it all.

Nice one, Beomgyu. You big fucking **_moron_** **.**

I decided to distract myself by actually doing some work. But of course, with how _easy_ it all was, I soon ran out of things to do at around midday. I was about to leave for lunch until my father walked through my office door.

"Hey son, have you seen Angela today?"

I froze and swallowed, blinking a few times at him before replying "Uh.. no."

Half a lie. I hadn't seen her at _work_.

My father sighed and rubbed the back of his head in frustration.

"Why?" I asked quietly, becoming curious.

"I haven't seen her all day and she hasn't called in sick either. I might have to call her at home.."

I lowered my gaze back down to my computer screen, almost hiding behind it. Had she not come in.. because of me?

My father wasn't leaving yet. He walked over to my desk and sat on the edge of it, briefly looking out the window from the 7th floor we were on before he turned to me.

"Sorry I've been so busy, Beomgyu. How are you finding everything? I forgot to mention it's actually Angela who plans your days."

Yes. I knew that now.

"Uh.. yeah. Everything's going alright," I said almost nervously as I scrolled up and down a page out of habit.

"Angela's not making it too hard for you?" My father asked and I almost crushed my computer mouse in my hand from his question. My mind had taken it a different way.

"Are you okay, son?" My father asked as he noticed the sudden uncomfortable shift in my disposition.

"Yeah. I'm just hungry. I'm gonna go for lunch," I brushed his concern aside and stood up from my desk to head downstairs into the cafeteria.

I brought a sandwich back to my office and sat there staring at it upon my desk. I should have been hungry, considering I skipped breakfast, but I wasn't. I fiddled with the bread, pulling it back to find a few slices of tomato in it. After I had _specifically_ requested none. Once I became CEO, I would be replacing the cafe kitchen staff.

I became thoughtful as I looked at the red slices of the vegetable, my mind sinking back into the events of the previous evening.

I knew I didn't feel anything for Angela. I had just been... bored? Lonely? Helpless?

All three, most likely.

But something about it all, just made me feel _guilty_. I usually wouldn't care the morning after. A certain wall I would usually have up felt like it was.. missing.

I recalled the watercolour painting I saw in Angela's hallway and how it reminded me of.. him. Why did I think it was his fault? Had all the walls of mine that he had brought down.. Not completely gone back up upon leaving him? Had he affected me _that_ much that I was now capable of.. feeling _bad_ about doing things that I normally wouldn't?

He had.. briefly.. given life to my heart. I thought leaving him behind had just cut it at its roots; dead.

Or was it just withering...?

I closed the sandwich back up and pushed it away from myself.

I glanced out the windows and shook off the small stinging pain in my chest.

**2 weeks later**

The 2 weeks that followed that night with Angela hadn't been the easiest. Especially at work.

Things were.. awkward. To say the _very fucking_ least.

She had come back into work the following day after having that day off. But I barely saw her. And whenever I did, she was looking at me almost pleadingly but never said anything.

The schedules that she set me were even _easier_ than before. I somehow got the feeling she was just restricting it even further for me, but I couldn't figure out why.

Was it payback? It was obvious she hadn't appreciated me just taking off that morning from her house without a word. But what could I really say about it? It was better just to avoid it. Things would go back to normal, eventually. _Surely._

I was in a meeting with the board of directors with my father. It was to discuss the company's financial growth and.. drop.. within the past quarter of the business year.

Things weren't looking particularly good. Out of the 13 of us there, all of the other 11 members were giving my father a very hard time about the legal fees the court case was costing the company and the decreasing stock value with being caught up in conflicting matters with the Law.

My father was visibly stressed about it, even though he tried his best to calm everyone's concerns. Even I wasn't convinced though. Of course.

Things were becoming quite heated and one of the board members who had been with the company for a notable amount of years spoke to my father.

"You and your father have let this go on for _far_ too long. _40 years_ too long. Clean it up or we'll be left with no other choice than to hold a vote amongst the directors."

My eyes widened. I knew where this was going. The board would actually.. try to remove my father from his position of CEO.

"It-.. it doesn't need to come to that. Please just give us a bit more time," my father pleaded.

The man who spoke seated directly across from me folded his arms, his nostrils flaring above his moustache as he thought about it.

"12 months, Choi. I want monthly updates from you _directly_."

My father bowed his head, seated to the left of me.

This wasn't good. As much as he owned the company, with all 11 votes against him, if it came to it, he would be forced into redundancy in 12 months time. And likely... even myself too. The company wouldn't even belong to my family anymore.

My father took a further moment and lifted up his glass of water to have a quick sip from it before speaking with an almost shaky voice.

"Meeting adjourned."

The 11 directors stood up, some with a grumble and left the board room. I remained seated at my father's side.

"Dad.."

"Please, Beomgyu. Just... just go do some work. I need to be left alone right now."

The sight of my father almost defeated and broken ignited something inside of me.

I couldn't let it happen. It wasn't even his fault.

I returned to my office and paced around my desk, my chin in my hand.

I needed to become CEO _before_ those 12 months were up. I flicked through my calendar on my desk and thought about it.

8 months.

I could do it in 8 months.

If I put my head down and gave it _everything_ I had. No more slacking. No more piss-easy 2nd-year business college degree _bullshit_.

I looked at my office phone and eyed up the number 5 on the pad.

Suck it up, Beomgyu. Your father needs you.

I picked up the phone and pressed the 5 button and it rang through to Angela's desk. It rang and rang and rang.

God damn it, woman. _Pick up_.

She finally did.

"Hey.." she said quietly, reluctantly.

"Come to my office. I need to talk to you."

I slammed the phone back down and waited.

She crept her way in through the door like a mouse before a tiger and stood there with her head hanging down slightly. I couldn't even see her face under the abundance of blonde curls that concealed it.

"I need you to double.. no.. **_triple_** my workload. I need 12-hour schedules packed from hour to hour. You can stop with the pathetic amount of tasks you give me. Do you understand?"

Her feet shuffled about on the spot, her shoulders lifting like she was about to damn well _cry_.

I glared at her as she didn't respond.

"That's an _order_ , Angela. Or do you not value your job enough?"

She lifted her head up to me now, tears _were_ sitting in her eyes.

"Can... can you just tell me why you left without saying anything?" she almost whimpered out.

I sighed deeply. You're just gonna have to lie your way around this, Beomgyu.

I closed my eyes for a moment and reopened them with a softer, more seductive gaze at her.

Fuck the phrase 'flattery doesn't get you anywhere'. It would get me _exactly_ where I needed to be. Where my father _needed_ me to be.

"Because you were just too much for me.. I've never had anyone quite like you before.." I smirked at her across the open, empty floor between us.

Her fingers fiddled together in front of herself and she bowed her head back down. She didn't believe me.

I eyed up my desk next to me and hated myself for the idea but fuck it, she needed some hard convincing.

"Shut the blinds."

She blinked up at me, looking at the wide glass wall next to her near the door. She obeyed by pulling the cord hanging to her left and closed the blinds.

"Lock the door."

She took a few steps back and did as instructed. She seemed confused.

I circled back around my desk until I was standing behind it, shoving my paperwork aside near the front edge and placed my hand down onto the thick glass.

"Sit."

She, rather nervously, made her way over to me but I kept my gaze fixed upon her as she slowly sat down on the edge of my desk. I edged closer to her, holding her eyes with mine.

I cupped the side of her face and looked down at her lips, their natural colour shining at me once more. She hadn't worn a lot of make-up at work since that night. My eyes glanced down to the side of her neck and I pushed her hair aside, stepping closer and latched my mouth onto it.

She responded with a surprised and pleasured gasp and I hated it.

But you've done this once already, Beomgyu. You can do it again for the sake of your future.

My hands slid down her thighs, gripping them and pulling her closer to me as I sucked at her neck, hard enough to bruise and her perfume and shampoo scent _deafened_ me. Her hands were grasping at my back as my own ripped her blouse open, buttons flying like popcorn in a microwave.

"Beomgyu.." she gasped out at me, trying to push my suit jacket off my shoulders.

Just shut your mouth and open your legs.

My palms crept up her thighs underneath her skirt, fingertips hooking underneath her panties as I pulled at them.

"Beomgyu.. I.."

I silenced her with a firm pull of herself towards me, my hips meeting hers and her fingers were pushing through my hair now.

".. I love you.."

I blinked my eyes open, my mouth detaching from her neck.

".... what..?"

She pulled back from me at my question and I looked into her tear-filled eyes, a few of them falling down her porcelain cheeks.

My hands let go of her thighs as she stared at me.

"I-.. It was never about the sex, Beomgyu. I only.. I only wanted to make you happy.."

Her tears fell onto the back of my hands and I pulled back by a few steps.

"I know you're in a lot of pain for some reason.. I just wanted to try and take it away.."

I swallowed and just stood there blinking at her. My plan had failed.

"You.. you don't feel _anything_ for me..?" her baby blue eyes pleaded at me harder than her own voice did.

I opened my mouth. I could lie and tell her I did. But..

I could _see_ her heart breaking second by second with my prolonged silence and she hastily began dressing and covering herself up.

"Ange-"

"No," she shook her head and ran from me to my office door, unlocking it and leaving with a firm slam of it.

I stood there for a long moment before I sank down into my chair behind myself and swung around to the windows with a sigh.

I looked out across the sky, but I couldn't see very far into the distance from the pollution, the blue skies were faded. The city looked dead. Grey. Just an overgrown jungle of steel, glass and depression. It kinda reminded me of how that garden of mine used to look; an insufferable mess that just kept growing until it became suffocating.

The air always _was_ harder to breathe here, as opposed to..

Heh..

I bowed my head and stared at the varying patterns of the black tiles underneath me.

This place was making me so toxic.

**~**

I walked through the doors of my house with a bottle of whisky in my hand that I stopped off on my way home to purchase.

I ignored my mother's calls for how my day was from in the living area, grabbed a tumbler glass from the kitchen and went upstairs.

I made the liquor rain. I drowned myself in it and deafened my senses even further as I put some music on.

I knew what I was doing. I knew I was just making myself feel worse. But at that point, I felt like I deserved it. I had hit rock bottom from the consequences of my decisions. Why not finish the spectacularly disastrous 24 hours with a bang?

Things can only get better from here on out... right?

I sat on the edge of my bed, watching the colours in the sky fade from one to another as the sun set. My eyes slowly moved to Toto's empty cage. I could have moved it out of my room since it no longer served a purpose. But I kept it there as a reminder.

But it didn't just remind me. It _haunted_ me.

[Malibu Nights](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdcPzDNHX74)

I heard a song start up on my bedroom stereo with deep piano notes. The melancholy timing of them sounded like slow, sad, stumbling footsteps under the streetlights and I followed them as the lyrics started.

_There's no reason, there's no rhyme  
_ _I found myself blind-sighted by  
_ _A feeling that I've never known  
_ _I'm dealing with it on my own_

My heart began shaking behind my ribcage as I kept my eyes on Toto's previous housing.

_I got way too much time to be this hurt_ _  
_ _Somebody help, it's getting worse_ _  
_ _What do you do with a broken heart?  
_ _Once the light fades, everything is dark  
_ _Way too much whiskey in my blood  
_ _I feel my body giving up  
_ _Can I hold on for another night?  
_ _What do I do with all this time?_

I slowly let my eyes close on their own as the tears gathered and I fell back onto the mattress beneath me.

_I'm done, I don't believe in love_ _  
_ _Learning how to let it go_ _  
_ _Dealing with it on my own_

Kai...

I reached into my pocket and brought out my phone. I scrolled down through my contacts until I saw his number was still there, one line under Yeonjun's name.

_'Your Favourite Neighbour >3<'_

My throat tightened and I pressed the number to open up a fresh message but my heart was almost outside of my own body as I saw I still had my saved draft message to him from the day he kissed me and never returned.

_'I miss you'_

I cried. Like a baby. Loud and unashamed. My thumb shuddered as I hovered it over the send button but I just dropped my phone next to me, rolling over to bury my head into my pillow.

I had always wished time could just stop. If I could have frozen it the moment after he kissed me... I would have been happy to just live in that moment forever.

But yet again, it was spinning out of my control. The seemingly eternal winter months were almost here. The blooming, hot season was almost at its end. It should have been spent with him. But I lost him. I lost my.. summer.

Kai... wherever you are.. whatever you're doing... I hope you're happy. I need you to be.

The thought of your smile is all that's holding me together now.


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to spoil anything ^-^ But it's probably the 2nd most critical chapter in this story. It jumps back in time to earlier chapters a lot with special memories and moments. The song that's used is one by a band of people that I know personally. They are 5 of the most talented men and musicians I know from my own home country. So please listen to the song and show some support to them ^-^ They have partially inspired this chapter. Happy reading, people💜

I sat across from my father's desk in his office. Vehicle blueprint plans were sprawled out in front of us as I _very_ vaguely listened to him explain the ideas behind the concepts.

I was zoned out, staring straight past him out the window at his back.

"Do you understand, Beomgyu?" He questioned me and, as I increasingly had been doing more of lately, blinked at him out of my own distant world and just nodded, fully knowing I _didn't_ understand anything he had just said.

"So, for the next 36 months, these will be- oh" my father halted his explanation as I heard his office door open behind me. "Hi, Angela."

I kept my eyes forward and tried to take in a calming, deep breath. I hadn't seen her since the day before when I had essentially _shattered_ her heart.

Her heels met the floor, slowly and steadily until she stood next to us both. She was standing up very straight from what I could tell from the corners of my eyes.

"I'm quitting," she said simply with a deeper register than usual.

My mouth fell open slightly as I cautiously brought my gaze up to her standing at my right.

".. What?!" My father could barely believe what he had just heard.

"I'm leaving today. No two weeks notice. Just dock my pay. I don't care," she carried on, but her voice was beginning to shake now.

"Wh-.." My father was dumbfounded, his shoulders shrugging and his hands facing palm-up as he waited for the reason.

"Why, Angela?"

"I'm leaving to take care of myself.. " she paused and I finally looked up at her face and I caught her unusually sharp gaze at me as she continued "Since no one else seems to want to."

And she turned on the spot, now walking away faster than she came in and I just let her. I figured this would happen.

"W-wait!" My father stood up "Angela!" he called out after her, trying to reach her before she walked through the door but she was already gone.

My father just stood near the door. I could hear him sigh and shuffle about before he slowly made his way back to his desk.

"The hell was all that about?" he asked, perplexed.

I gave a shrug of my shoulders in response.

"And why the hell was she giving _you_ such a dirty look?"

My fists tightened under the desk and I took in a deep inhale, trying to fill my head with an excuse with the air I took in.

"I dunno. Maybe because I scolded her for making a weak-ass coffee the other day," I lied as smoothly as was possible at the time.

My father just shook his head and pushed his fingers through his thick, black hair as he sat back down. This had just added more stress to his plate and I was the one who had served it.

He picked up a pen and noted down a few words into his work diary. "Looks like I need to hire a new PA now... _great_. More things I don't have time for."

As much as it was an inconvenience to my father, it was for the best. But I _did_ feel.. awful about it all. I had been an absolute asshole to Angela, from the very start. Maybe it should have been _me_ to be the one to quit over it all. But that wasn't an option.

I _still_ had to try and take the reins of the company from my father within the 12-month timeframe the board of directors had given him to get his act together. I knew I not only had to be every last bit of a businessman my father was but **_more_** than that. I had to surpass everyone's expectations.

Even my own.

It would be a long and tough year ahead of me.

**8 months later**

I still stand by my initial thoughts.

Mandarin segments are very weird looking things.

Place two of them side by side and they look like the brain inside my head that was, again, about ready to give up.

It had been many months since Angela left the company and I decided to stop fucking around- In _every_ sense of the word.

8 months.

35 weeks.

243 days.

5,832 hours.

349,920 minutes.

2,995,200 seconds.

Time. It's such a... painful thing.

During this time, my grandfather had passed away from a heart attack. The doctors put it down to stress. I never found out why he lied about that woman. The lawyers and police decided to drop the case as soon as he died. And my father never told me why. Even when I asked him directly.

He had hired a new personal assistant- Oscar. A man who had been in the business of _business_ for 35 years. And oh boy, could I certainly _tell_.

He did not go easy on me. I had told him of my task ahead of me to overtake my father and he took it upon himself to completely ruin my mind and body with 17-hour workdays. 6am- 11pm. 6 days a week. Monday to Saturday. Sundays were for sleeping. Sometimes Monday mornings too at my desk.

But Oscar liked to not so subtly remind me of my reason for waking up every morning with a smack across the back of my head and a finger pointed at the 8-month deadline I had set for myself.

As much as I kicked and screamed about it initially like a child and yelled every last obscene word I knew at him, he saw _right_ through me. We now had.. an understanding. We could read each other's minds with a simple glance now.

I popped the mandarin I had been playing with into my mouth and ate it at my desk. It was _after 11 pm_ now. I should have been going home. But I couldn't really bring myself to with the thought of what the next 24 hours had in store for me.

Oscar peeked his head into my office, his tie loosened and a dark eyebrow raised at me from the doorway.

"Shouldn't you be off home now, Beomgyu? It's a big day tomorrow."

My palms became uncontrollably sweaty at his words.

"I know. I'm just... going over a few last-minute things."

He shot a half-smile at me. He knew I was lying. God damned bastard.

"Alright... see you in the morning," he said with a nod of his head and closed the door.

I waited until I heard his footsteps disappear down the hall before I opened the top drawer of my desk, pulling out a black, leather notebook I kept and a pen.

I flicked through the pages until I got to the desired one, reading over the words I had written. The.. _lyrics_ I had written.

The past 8 months since my crazy schedules began, I didn't really have the time to see Soobin and Yeonjun. Our band was on a hiatus. I hadn't shed a single sorry tear since the night I broke down from reading my unsent message to.. him.

Instead, as Yeonjun's song once suggested, I let the _songs_ cry.

I had written many of them during the very little spare amount of time I had between working and sleeping. Sometimes I would write during my lunch breaks. Sometimes during the all-nighters I would pull because it was too early and late to sleep with the new day that had already arrived.

Those profound 3 am thoughts. Those magic hours for musicians. Painters. Authors. The ones who sacrifice their sleep to tell a story of something worth a damn in this shitheap of a world.

My eyes glanced over the opening lines of my song.

 _We were so beautiful_ _  
__We were so tragic_

I ran my fingers over the subtle indents in the page from my hand-written lyrics; _feeling_ my words.

It was a song for him.

 _All_ my songs were for him.

I glanced over at my phone, tapping the home button and my screen lit up. My lock screen wallpaper was one of the portrait photos I had taken of him back when I had kickstarted his pottery career.

The smile he wore in the photo, as much as it hurt me to look at, kept me going throughout everything. I clung to the idea of his happiness instead of my own. Hoping he was out there somewhere, smiling that everlasting shine of his.

My phone screen went black and I dropped my eyes away from it with a sad smile.

Maybe I should go home.

**~**

Fuck, I was nervous.

What's a better word for nervous?

Anxious? Edgy? _Neurotic?_

Just all the words in the dictionary that could describe someone feeling whatever the fuck I was that afternoon.

I sat behind the long table in the board meeting room. All other 12 members of the board of directors, including my father, were seated around me.

It was the big day.

The signing of my contract of becoming CEO.

I had finally done it. I was mere minutes away from achieving my goal.

My father sat at my side. You wouldn't have seen a prouder smile on his face. It didn't even match the one he wore on the day I was _born_.

I would be the youngest Choi out of all 3 generations to take the seat as head of the company. My 22nd birthday had come and gone in the blink of an eye in March.

It was now the first week of June. The first week of summer.

But by god, it wasn't the heat of the day that was making me sweat.

My father began speaking excitedly as he went through the formality of addressing what the meeting was about. We all knew, of course. But it was protocol.

Oscar slipped into the room quietly, stepping next to my side and lowered his head to whisper to me.

"Do you want a coffee for the nerves, bossman?" I could hear him grinning at me.

I had been an avid enough coffee drinker to know that it would _not_ calm my nerves. The caffeine would only do the opposite. A shot of alcohol maybe would have done it but it was hardly acceptable at a time like this.

But... tea had always relaxed me as I found out.

"Just bring me a cup of tea," I replied in a whisper.

"Any particular kind?" Oscar whispered back.

"Just whatever," I said back in a rush as my father's decorums were coming to an end and Oscar left as quietly as he had arrived.

My gaze fell onto the same man who had spoken so threateningly to my father all those months ago. He wore a foul expression roughly directed towards me.

He was the only one out of all the directors who wasn't happy about me becoming CEO. He had been with the company since my grandfather founded it. According to my father, he was a ladder-climber but could never climb high enough to dethrone a Choi from sitting at the top.

Too bad, you old fuck. Guess it just isn't in your blood.

My father was then handing me the 100-page contract, as thick as my hand. I had already read it. Probably one thousand times over. But I had to sign each and every page as acknowledgement with the board of directors as witnesses.

I opened and closed my palms and quickly rubbed them together in an attempt to dry up some of the sweat that covered them.

I picked up the pen lying upon the table and started signing the bottom of each page.

I could _feel_ the dissatisfied stare from the agitated board member across the table just become more and more intense as he watched me. It was somewhat satisfying. Maybe I could get him fired somehow.

Oscar came back in with my tea and set the cup down ahead of me upon the table and I kept on signing my life away.

But the nerves crept back up as I approached the last page. Usually, you can't physically _feel_ the nerves in your body when you're relaxed. But I could sense every last one of them. And they ached.

I pressed the tip of my pen above the harsh, thick line of where my final signature had to be written, but my hand wouldn't move. I swallowed and placed my pen down for a moment.

I licked my drying lips in the hot, stuffy room, pulling my tie out a bit to let my neck breathe. My father noticed my sudden hesitancy and leaned in close to me.

"Everything alright, son?" he whispered, not wanting to be overheard by the other members.

I nodded a little too quickly, not convincing anyone or even myself.

I looked ahead at the cup of tea and grabbed it, pulling it closer to myself and took a sip.

.......

.. What... on earth is this..?

I almost dropped the cup. Some of the hot liquid spilt onto the contract in front of me as my heart began **_hammering_** **.** I let out long and shaky breaths. I sounded like a spinning ceiling fan.

This was.....

... _Rose_ tea.

The tea acted as a time machine. Time stopped moving forward. It rewound now into the past to that fateful day when my heart had burst open with the life he had given it with his.. special touch.

I could... suddenly taste him on my lips once more from the tea.

That flavoursome kiss we shared came flooding back to me as my mind and heart were being ripped back through the long months since I last saw him.

12 and a half months.

54 weeks.

378 days.

9,702 hours.

582,120 minutes.

34,927,200 seconds.

...

Time. It's such a...

"What's wrong, Choi?"

I blinked across the table at the disgruntled board member. He was smirking at me now, noticing my sudden reluctance. I could see my father move around uncomfortably to my side but I kept my eyes upon the man in front of me.

"Think you can handle this?" he asked.

I looked back down into the cup of tea in my hands, the scent of it wafting up through the air and into my mind. All I could think about was..

His eyes. His smile. His laugh. His flowers. His music. His touch. His... lies....

His **_love_** _._

The more I felt my insides fill with my memories of him the more my unfathomable expression changed like the colours of the sunset into an accepting smile.

I looked back up at the man with his smirk and his taunts. They didn't reach me. I was... untouchable.

"No.." I smiled out at him and gave a small laugh. "No, I don't think I can handle this."

Notable noises of confusion and frustration whispered about the room. My father was leaning in close to me again, his voice now a harsh whisper.

"What are you _doing_ , Beomgyu?"

"I'm-"

I paused. The nerves left me and I couldn't even sit still.

"I'm going home," I said as I stood up and without a further word to anyone I _ran_ out of the board room.

"Beomgyu!" I heard my father call out from behind me.

I'm sorry, dad. This was never meant for me.

I reached the doors of the elevator, smashing my hand into the floor button. But it was taking too long.

 ** _Fuck it._** I'll take the stairs.

I bolted down them, almost knocking people over as I became a stampede of one in my rush.

I sprinted out the doors of the lobby. It was so hot outside.

I reached my car and slammed the door closed behind me.

It was even hotter inside.

Key in. Feet on the pedals. Gear in 1st. Tyres screeching like a harpy.

Get the **_fuck_** out of my way.

I sped past the employees slowly dawdling across the parking lot. One of them cursed at me as I drove past.

Fuck off, dickhead. I have somewhere I need to be.

I sped off onto the highway, looking up at the signs hanging on the side of an overpass bridge.

West side. East side. I didn't know where to go.

No... I did. _South_.

I cut into a lane rather rudely and heard the car horn that blasted from behind me. I glared at the person in my rearview mirror. Go sit on a fucking cactus, asshole.

I was speeding. Faster and faster. The traffic began to thin out as I approached the distantly familiar road that was taking me out of the city. The pollution in the air was already beginning to fade. I could see the blue skies now.

[Find My Way](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moEACDHeoSA&list=PLx3sQc7YekdE77CIrpfcQb0iCxrKcQe2H&index=16)

A song came on my car radio and I listened intently. My heart and mind were _wide_ open to it. Music is here to _help_ you, Beomgyu.

 _I've been running for so long_ _  
__To get back where I belong_ _  
__I just wanna be there_

All this time.. I had just been running full speed ahead in the wrong direction. God, Kai... I-

 _I've been running on my own_ _  
__I don't wanna be alone_ _  
__Are you gonna be there?_

My hands gripped the steering wheel so hard the leather almost ripped. I hope you're still there, Kai. Please. Please tell me that you stayed just like I had wanted to **_all this damned time_** **.**

 _I just wanna show I've changed_ _  
__Maybe it's too late_ _  
__Are you gonna be there?_

My heart was in my throat. Sweat dripping down the sides of my neck. I didn't bother with the air conditioning. I put all my windows down and I could smell it now. The air. That crisp and clean scent of the outskirts. My body and mind began to feel cleansed of all my toxins second by second.

 _Are you gonna hold on?  
_ _Because I'm coming home  
_ _I'm on my way_

My gaze hardened onto the long road that stretched ahead of me and I dropped the gear back from 6th into 5th; the fastest and most powerful gear a car can offer you.

100, 150, 200.

Keep going, Beomgyu. **_Faster._**

 _I hope you're waiting_ _  
__I gotta find my way to you, baby_

220, 250, **_300_**.

I was nearing my car's limit. The revs were so high the needle just wanted to snap. I was absolutely **_redlining_** it. I only just noticed my empty fuel light had been on.

Shit. No. Not **_now_** , you **_bitch_**.

I eased back and the car began sputtering at me like a half-drowned horse.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck **fuck.**

I reached a corner. The outskirts shopping centre. I only just made it into it before my car just gave up in the middle of the parking lot. She'd had enough.

I got out of it and kicked my front tyre in frustration, drawing the attention of a few elderly shoppers.

"Oh _my_... damned city boys," an old lady said with disgust at my dilemma as she stuck her nose up.

My hands balled up and I looked on up ahead into the distance. I knew it was an hour's walk on foot to the house. The not so pleasant memories I had of walking with my week's worth of groceries and the mosquitoes came bustling back into the forefront of my mind.

Fuck it. It wouldn't take an hour if I just _**ran**_.

And I did. I gripped my tie, ripping it from my shirt collar and just threw it to the wind behind myself as I began sprinting.

I was a fast driver. But I was a fast runner too. These strong thighs of mine are fucking _built_ for this shit.

But God, the suit I was wearing wasn't built for it. It was a wool blend. Expensive. Tailored to perfection and fucking _**useless**_.

I undid the top buttons of my shirt as I kept on running.

I was getting tired, but I was on the right road now. _His_ road... our road.

I just picked up my speed even more. My lungs were on fire. I couldn't even _feel_ my legs anymore.

I was getting closer. Close enough that I could see his front fence in the distance.

 ** _Please_** , Kai. Please tell me you've waited for me even though I never deserved it.

I exerted the rest of my energy and almost collapsed against his fence as I finally reached it.

My head was spinning. My throat dry. **_Jesus Christ._**

I allowed myself a minute to recompose until I felt steady enough to move again, but I still stumbled anyway.

I came around the corner of his driveway and felt breathless again in an instant with what my eyes fell onto.

The fence that had separated our properties was... gone.

But it wasn't.

It had been cut up into small planks of wood and now lay across the middle of both our driveways as a _path_.

I swallowed hard as I slowly began walking up to it. Up ahead all I could see were flowers and shrubs of all colours that weren't there a year ago. There was no longer a distinguishing line between the properties. The backyards were... merged.

His garden had grown into _mine_. They were one.

I should have turned back around to walk up to his front door, but something about the floral display just compelled me to keep walking up the wooden path.

Some parts of it were overgrown and I had to push my way past flowers and vines hanging in all directions of this **_wonderland_** of nature. All this had happened in the space of only a year?

I could now see a small clearing up ahead between some blooms and I pushed myself into it past the greenery.

My eyes widened with a sudden onset of tears as they settled onto what was before me.

Knelt down. Tending to something in the garden. A little straw hat with feathered, rough edges. A long-sleeved, white shirt rolled up to his elbows and light blue jeans. The rustic-brown apron tied up around his neck and back. He was gently humming to himself. He hadn't noticed I was standing there.

Heh... typical little country boy. No. _Big_ country boy.

He slowly stood up and took his hat off his head, ruffling his dark trestles of hair about.

The tears gathered hard and fast. My heart almost beating clean out of my chest.

And then he turned... finally noticing I was there. His expressionless face remained in its state for far longer than it had when I had first seen him over a year ago.

Until it broke out into that blinding smile of his and my legs wanted to give out from the weight of the 100,000 butterflies that suddenly awoke from their long, deep slumber inside my stomach.

**_"KAI!"_ **

I ran to him. Stumbled. I almost fell clean over but he caught me before I could. I was scooped into his arms and all I could do was howl out over a year's worth of pain, love and loss to him.

"Beomgyu.." he whispered to me somewhere in amongst it all and it just compelled the tears to fall harder and faster.

"Kai... I..."

I couldn't even speak to save myself. He just held me without question, drawing me closer to himself and I sank my head into his shoulder, making a complete fucking mess of it with my tears that flowed like the freed water of a broken dam.

"Beomgyu.." he whispered again, but I could hear his smile in his voice now, his arms holding me tighter.

"I-.. I'm so sorry, Kai.. I am **_so_** sorry. I'm- I- **_God_** ," I whimpered.

You're the biggest baby, Beomgyu. You really are.

"It's okay, button," he whispered again and rubbed at my back. I didn't even hate the nickname now. I _adored_ it.

"No... no, it's not... I've been so selfish.."

He pulled back by a few inches and cupped my face in his palms. I could smell the earthy soil upon them push into my cheeks but I didn't even care.

"I- you- I can't even begin to-"

I was silenced. His lips met mine and all the pain inside was torn out in an instant as he replanted an abundance of unapologetic, chaotic _life_. My 12 months of stunted growth from my seemingly dead heart now bloomed once more, flourished uncontrollably with the very _essence_ of existence in its purest form. I could barely hold it all in. I felt like I was going to burst.

He pulled back slowly and I opened my eyes and gazed into his; willingly drowning in the depths of honey that simmered with a warm glow.

My eyes dropped as he reached down for my hand, holding it gently, reassuringly. I looked back up at him. I swear he had only gotten _taller_.

"Let's go inside, Beomgyu. We have a lot to talk about," he smiled softly.

... Why, Kai? Why after _all_ this time are you still just... _you?_

I let myself be walked through the garden with him to his house with my hand in his.

... Who are you, Kai? _Really?_

I knew I was about to find out.


	23. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the very essence of the story's meaning. I want to go into further detail to explain some personal stuff of my own in this chapter, but I'll leave it until the story has finished with my Author Notes. This chapter may end in a way that seems like the story's finished... but it is far from over in terms of events and confessions. Trust me on that one. Enjoy ^^

It was an indescribable feeling, really. But maybe that's exactly the kind of feeling it was.

Impossible.

Maybe this was how people felt after a near-death experience. They can't even speak. They were so sure they were going to die. But here they were. _Alive_.

Impossibly alive.

Yeah.

That's how I was feeling.

Kai led me up to his house with his hand still gently clasping mine. I just kept looking at him walking slightly ahead of me, wondering a multitude of things. But mostly about the fact that he even existed in the first place.

Doesn't heaven miss you, Kai? How does the place get any work done without you there?

We didn't speak as we walked up and through his conservatory, pushing our way past the hanging vines of Ivy that still hung from the small openings of the ceiling. The tables were _littered_ with pottery. His work had only increased in its intricacy and detail. God, he was talented.

He opened the door to the house and we came into his kitchen. I could smell freshly baked bread, spices and herbs and just... a crispness to the air that almost reflected what the outside smelled like; pure.

Kai stopped ahead of me, firing up his gas stovetop and placed an old, copper kettle on top of it.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" he turned to me, smiling.

I nodded. Quickly. Smiling like a lovesick _idiot_ at him as I stood there looking somewhat dishevelled in my suit that wasn't sitting straight anymore. To hell with it. I'd never wear another one if I had anything to say about it.

He held his hand out to me while he stood there and I stepped closer to him and was once more cuddled by him as he waited for the water to heat up. _God,_ this felt nice.

Really nice.

'Nice' is too weak of a word, isn't it? But my brain was hardly working, anyway, so cut me some slack.

The water came to a boil and he let go of me to remove it from the stovetop and poured it into one of his handmade teapots, filled with roses.

I could then hear.. _fluttering_. Like the wings of a bird.

And a... _very_ familiar chirping coming from somewhere in the house.

... It **_couldn't_** be...

Surely not....

"Toto?" I whispered out and Kai arched an eyebrow at me.

"Toto? Like the 1970s rock band?" he questioned me.

I walked past him to the living room and I saw a little ball of green fly straight at me and land upon my shoulder.

"What?!"

I carefully cupped the bird, bringing it down to look at it very carefully.

"No fucking way..." I breathed out as I looked into the little black eyes that blinked at me curiously. It began nibbling at my finger. A little too hard.

"Oh! He's..." Kai trailed off, now standing next to me and I could feel his gaze move back and forth between the bird and myself. "Wait.. you _know_ him?"

"He..." I could have almost cried again, but I felt like I had none left in me to give at that moment. "He was mine.. I- .. I let him go free the night I arrived back in the city..."

Toto hopped happily back and forth between my fingers. I slowly shook my head. This just wasn't real.

"How on earth did he.." I looked back up at Kai who looked just as confused as I did "How did you find him?"

Kai looked thoughtful as he carried the pot of tea and a few teacups into the living area, setting them down on a coffee table in front of the couch.

"I looked out my window one morning and I just saw him perched on one of my trees," Kai said as he sat down on the couch. "He looked really hungry so I fed him a tomato and he just stuck around after that."

I looked back down at Toto, still in quite the state of disbelief. What were the odds?

"I got a cage for him, but he didn't really like it. So he just kinda.. comes and goes from the outside to the inside as he pleases," Kai smiled brightly over at me.

I slowly began walking over to Kai on the couch and Toto flew off from my hand, flying out of a window that was opened.

"Unbelievable.." I whispered and sat down close to Kai on the light blue couch.

"I can't believe he used to be yours! Well.. I guess he still is, hmm?" Kai mused as he began pouring tea into the cups.

"I guess so.." my eyes glazed over as I watched the steam rise from the cups. I felt overwhelmed again already.

"He was a.. great source of company to me, actually.. after you left.." Kai's voice deepened, becoming thoughtful.

The guilt crept its way back up now and I grabbed for one of the cups, letting the scent of the roses flood my head and slowly became more relaxed and open as I just sat there breathing it in.

There was a very deep and awkward silence between us. I don't think either of us knew how to really begin all of the unknowns that remained unspoken between us.

I could hear that same clock on the wall ticking and suddenly time was on my mind again. I decided to use it as an attempt at an opening to the conversation.

"It's been over a year.." I whispered, slowly bringing my gaze up to Kai seated at my right.

He nodded slowly, his cheerful expression wasn't present but yet again very thoughtful. He opened his mouth a few times to speak, but, as usual, even now, he was still struggling.

I placed my hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. "It's okay, Kai. You can tell me anything. _Everything_. I want to hear it. I promise I won't run away again."

Those deep orbs blinked up at me and stared into my own for a moment, seeking my trust and I think he found it.

"I- I felt so bad about it all. For a very long time," he said as he sat forward, reaching for his own cup and held it within his palms, gazing into the tea and I saw his eyes drown in it with memories.

"My grandmother.. she-.. she wasn't _actually_ my grandmother."

I blinked at him, surprised by his story already. My phone was suddenly ringing from my pocket. I pulled it out and saw my father was calling me. I shut my phone off entirely and threw it onto the couch beside me.

Not now, dad. I know you're probably confused but so am I right now.

"What do you mean? You weren't blood-related then?" I asked as I returned my full attention back to Kai.

He slowly shook his head at me, taking a small sip from his cup.

"Her name was Maya. She had been hiding here ever since she ran from the chaos she caused with the heist," Kai's head bowed slightly, her guilt becoming his once more.

My mouth fell open slightly and suddenly my mind burst open with questions all over the place but I didn't even know which one to ask first.

"She lived here in secret for 40 years. In her.. criminal days.. she had a vast range of contacts and she spent the remainder of her money on 'underground' help. She bought this house under a forged identity and just laid low here for all these years."

I brought my gaze back down into my cup of tea. I felt conflicted about it all hearing about how she had managed to dodge the law for all this time.

Kai now had a small smile on his face, deeply nostalgic.

"She basically had to quarantine herself. Cut herself off from the outside world entirely. And she knew she had to keep doing that for the rest of her life to avoid getting caught. So.." Kai lifted his gaze up and looked around the living area and into the open kitchen area directly ahead of us both.

"So she learned how to live a life that was cut off from the city. She _taught_ herself how to live an.. _organic_ existence."

I blinked at him and suddenly his story during our picnic lunch over a year ago came into the forefront of my mind. I recalled how he said his grandmother had been the one to teach him how to do everything he was so good at.

"She knew she couldn't go to the grocery store to buy food. So she grew it."

My eyes glanced over to my left, peering out one of the windows at the greenhouse full of vegetables and fruit.

"She knew she couldn't go to a department store to buy household items. So she made them."

I then looked ahead into the kitchen that led out to the pottery conservatory.

"Initially, she did it out of a necessity to _survive_. But.. after time..." I looked back at Kai. He wore such a wholesome smile now.

"She came to _love_ it. Doing things slowly and more naturally. It.. cleansed her heart and mind, she once told me. It turned her into a completely different person."

I slowly looked Kai up and down. His story definitely made a bit more sense to me now.

"And then one day... I was left on her doorstep by someone. I was still just a baby."

My heart began beating faster, the nerve endings of my brain tingling, needing more knowledge from him now.

"I.. never knew who my parents were. I still don't. But Maya, she.. she took me in without question."

Kai was fighting off tears now with the memory and I shuffled closer to him, placing a palm upon the top of his thigh closest to me.

"She could have just taken me to an orphanage, but she took it upon herself to raise me. She could never have children due to a medical condition. So I was her 'Gift from God' as she used to put it."

You definitely are, Kai.

"I spent 18 years of my life thinking that she was my actual grandmother. Until she told me the truth of it all on my birthday. Including the story of her previous life as a criminal. She felt I was old enough then to know the truth."

"H-.. How did you handle it all?" I asked tentatively.

"Not well, to start with," Kai giggled softly. "In fact, I was angry. Confused. _Lost_. I wanted to run away and leave it all behind and I _did_ for a short while. I lived with Taehyun in the city for about 6 months."

"Taehyun?"

"The Doctor," Kai confirmed.

... Oh.

 **_Him_ ** **.**

I felt myself become slightly disgruntled from that blonde's smart-ass mouth but pushed it aside as Kai continued.

"Those 6 months away from here were certainly.. eye-opening.." Kai trailed off, pausing to sip from his tea some more and he sat back into the couch a bit more comfortably.

"Couldn't handle the city-life, huh?" I grinned at him knowingly.

"No... No, I couldn't handle it. I became.. almost quite a toxic person, actually. I got a job as a kitchen hand in the city but Taehyun being as kind as he is, kept throwing money at me to spend anyway because he felt bad for my situation," Kai said simply.

I found the idea of anything about Kai being toxic hard to believe, but... it began to ring true to me.

"I started to rely too heavily on money. I enjoyed it to start with because I'd never really known the value of it before. That big city with endless materialistic opportunities taught me that money can get you almost _anything_ in life.." he looked at me intently and carried on.

"It can get you clothes, guitars, alcohol, houses, cars- **fast** cars. It can put the whole world in your hands at the click of a button or a flash of your credit card. You have limitless options at your very fingertips. You can fill your life with shining, spectacular and expensive toys and sit there upon the golden throne that you purchased and tell yourself that it's enough.... Enough to escape the pain that you're running from."

My eyes widened, my heart in my throat once more. He was telling me.. everything I had once told myself.

His eyes were staring into mine so deeply I could have sworn I saw the entire universe turn inside of them.

"But it can't _heal_ you."

I took in a sharp inhale so deep it could have burst me wide open.

"It can't give you the things you need to.. _truly_ grow inside."

Time stopped moving forward. But it didn't go back either. It finally froze in the moment.

I had known it. Deep down. Somewhere inside of the mess of the person I used to be, that _this_ was the reason all along that I had felt so mysteriously drawn to him from the very start. Even when I hated him. I had been silently crying out for it with every last painful tick of the clock.

He had **_life_** figured out. And he had passed it onto me. Planting it inside of my heart.

Tears gathered in my eyes once more and I had to look away from him but he placed his hand on top of mine that was still resting upon his thigh.

"Those 6 months in the city were more than I could handle. So I came back to my grandmother. I apologized for my selfish behaviour. Knowing that her life lessons were all I needed. But.. I noticed she wasn't her usual energetic self. She had become sick."

I blinked the tears away from my eyes and tried to give my attention back to Kai's story.

"I got Taehyun to come out to give her check-ups and medication. He happily did it for free since he's my best friend," Kai bowed his head, his expression in some distant place between happy and sad.

"But she became progressively more ill. When you moved in next door, she could no longer even get out of bed."

"I'm sorry, Kai.." was all I could offer him.

He shook his head and began to look troubled again.

"Those cell phone alarms of mine that always went off when we were around each other.."

"What about them?" I asked.

"I had an alarm set for almost every hour of the day to check on her and give her medication. Or to make her breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. I did everything for her in the end.."

The guilt was here again. But only partially.

"You.. should have just _told_ me, Kai."

Heh. No, he couldn't have. And he confirmed that with his next sentence.

"How could I, Beomgyu? Not when I knew who she was to you.."

The guilt was here again for him too.

I became deeply curious about something. Two pieces of a puzzle that still didn't quite fit together.

"Did your grandmother ever tell you _why_ she committed an organized crime against my family?"

Kai was almost _smirking_ to himself now. It definitely wasn't the reaction I was expecting. His eyes flickered back up into mine with an eyebrow raised.

"You might not believe it if I told you, Beomgyu.."

"Try me."

I was handling _almost_ everything he was saying just fine so far. I could handle this too.

"My grandmother... used to in fact be _in love_ with your grandfather."

.....

Okay, I take it back.

".. P-... _Pardon?!_ "

Kai laughed brightly at me now, his head hanging back over the couch, enjoying my reaction just a little _too_ much. Shut up, you _beautiful_ idiot and explain yourself.

It took him a moment before he finally recomposed himself out of his giggling fit.

"Way back before your dad was even born, your grandfather had an affair."

I blinked at him "With.. your grandmother?"

"Yup," he answered simply.

I blinked at him once more.

"The affair went on for quite some time. Until your grandfather founded Choi Automotive Industries. He became too busy for her _and_ his wife- your grandmother," he continued.

Jesus _Christ_ , Grandad. You dirty old _fuck_.

"My grandmother became quite distraught from the heartbreak of it all. She went off the rails a bit and got into some bad company.. Obviously."

"She became a _criminal_ because she got her heart broken?" I asked, barely able to believe what I was hearing.

"Yeah.. She plotted a way to get back at your grandfather. She finally made her way to the top of the group she was with and planned the vehicle heist. She tried to take everything from your grandfather as payback for leaving her," Kai sounded guilty once more, placing his teacup down from finally finishing its contents.

I looked down into my own. I obviously had no idea what to expect. But the reason being _love_ related was certainly surprising to me.

Maybe that's why.. my grandfather had changed his mind about her. Maybe.

"Kai.."

"Mmm?"

"Did your grandmother ever reach out to my grandfather before she died?"

"I don't know.. Why?"

I hung my head and thought more about it. My father _still_ hadn't told me why the police and lawyers had suddenly dropped the court case after my grandfather died. _He_ was hiding something now. I had to ask him about it once more.

"No reason."

My thoughts were cut as Toto suddenly flew in through the open window again and he landed in my lap. I smiled down at him. Kai was leaning in closer and he patted the edge of his wing.

"Hey buddy!" Kai perked up beside me.

I smiled further. "Did you give him a name when you found him?" I asked.

"No.. I figured he used to belong to _someone_. Didn't feel right to give him a brand new name that he wouldn't know."

I looked down thoughtfully at Toto sitting in my lap and another question came bubbling up.

"What have you done with the past 12 months, Kai?"

"Hmmm.."

His arm stretched along the back of the couch above my shoulders, his fingertips gently resting against my arm and I smiled softly as I waited for a reply.

"Well. For the first few months, I just sulked. As I said.. I felt bad about it all."

His fingertips were gently rubbing at my shoulder now and I relaxed against him as I felt his chest press into my other shoulder. Certainly didn't make me as nervous as it once had when he brushed up against me in his greenhouse that time.

"I.. didn't even really go outside. I ignored my garden entirely. It.. reminded me of you too much, I guess."

I held back a melancholy sort of laugh to myself. My memories of going to that garden-themed restaurant with Angela had made me feel the same way with the painful memories it ignited from the flowers.

"But then I saw Toto out there. Looking hungry and lost. I went out and fed him and suddenly noticed my garden was looking a bit overgrown.."

I blinked thoughtfully to myself as he continued. Had me setting Toto free that day... really been the reason Kai brought himself out of his slump?

"So I decided to get back to work. Toto was always there. Chirping happily at me. I.. spoke to him a lot. About what I was going through. And he just listened. Sometimes replying," he giggled.

I swallowed and looked back down at Toto who was now pecking at my pants, undoing a thread on the side of them but I let him as I felt frozen by Kai's words.

"This little guy really helped me," I could hear Kai smile at my side as he gave Toto another loving stroke of his wing feathers.

"It was good to have someone to talk to. Well.. some _thing_ to talk to. Taehyun became busy at the hospital he works at, so I barely saw him after my grandmother died and you left."

I began to smile now. Thank you, Toto.

"The appearance of Toto inspired me to keep going. He.. set me free.. from my thoughts.."

My lips detached from each other and I felt like a feather floating in the breeze with Kai's words. Silent tears were now falling down my cheeks with my memories of setting Toto free; _and_ Kai.

"Even though I felt like my purpose had almost ended in a way.. everything else kept going around me. Toto still needed to be fed. My flowers still needed to be watered. The.. sun kept rising and setting.."

Kai trailed off, deeply thoughtful that his voice almost became a whisper.

" _Life_ goes on. And I decided to keep going on _with_ it. I _stayed_ when I thought perhaps I should leave. Hoping that one day, you _might_ come back to me.."

Kai was reaching down for my hand now, linking his fingers with mine.

I couldn't hold it together.

I turned to him, tears flowing once more and I gripped his chin, kissing him deeply. I heard Toto fly away once again out the window and my cheek was being cupped by the warm palm of Kai's hand.

I pulled back and was greeted with his warm smile upon opening my eyes. A gentle kiss being pressed into my forehead as my heart thumped pleasantly inside of myself.

Fuck it. He deserves to hear it. He would be the first to hear it come from me to anyone. Where's the denying of it now?

"I love you, Kai," I whispered out tenderly.

My chin was being lifted up, a few more tears slipping out my eyes as they met his. We were so close that I couldn't see the smile upon his lips but it shone at me from his eyes.

"I love you too, Beomgyu... I always have.."

I smiled the brightest smile I had ever given with an unfathomable warmth. The life he put into my heart became overgrown now as it reached all corners of myself.

I pushed him to lie back on the couch and collapsed myself upon him, my head nestling into his chest. His arms curled around me, holding me securely to himself. I suddenly found myself so tired, peacefully so.

"Can we talk more later? I'd like a nap," I grinned.

His laugh echoed into my ear that was pressed directly into his chest.

"Of course. I don't mind being a human-mattress for a few hours."

I closed my eyes with a smile and just listened.

I could hear the wind gently whistling through the trees outside through the open window. Toto was chirping happily somewhere out there amongst it all. I could smell the flowers from the plants inside the house. And.. the steady beating of Kai's heart in my other ear.

I briefly thought about calling my father. To explain everything to him. Did I.. even want to go back home?

Heh... no.

I was _already_ home.


	24. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More backstory from Kai. And a lot of fluff. A sickening amount. Enough to fill a 10-foot tall teddy bear. The song featured at the end was one of the original songs that inspired this story. So happy the time has finally come to use it ^-^ As a side note- I'm going to be quite busy this coming week due to a personal music project that requires a lot of my attention. But hopefully, I'll find time in between to write some more. Apologies in advance for the delays. Enjoy ^-^

I slowly peeked my eyes open, they were met with a square of blue material in front of me and the smell of herbs and what I could have sworn was pumpkin in the air.

I looked below me and found Kai was no longer there.

I bolted upright upon the couch and looked around until my eyes lay upon him working in his kitchen straight ahead of me.

My heart settled back down, I felt dizzy. I thought for some stupid reason that I had somehow lost him again.

"Hello, sleepyhead," he grinned as he was cutting something up on a chopping board.

I blinked, feeling disorientated. I didn't know what time it was, but it was still daylight hours outside, although the sun was getting lower.

"How long was I asleep for?" I asked as I rubbed at my face.

"Hmm.. almost 3 hours? I think."

I wondered how many more times my father had tried to call me during that time. I was beginning to feel slightly panicked about it now.

"Did you want to stay for dinner? I'm making pumpkin soup!" Kai asked happily.

I opened my mouth to reply but found an answer difficult to conjure. I wanted to stay for much longer than just dinner. But I didn't feel ready to have that conversation yet.

"Sure. It smells really good," I said as I got up and approached him.

"It is! It was my grandmother's recipe."

I shrugged my suit jacket off, feeling too hot in it and draped it over one of the chairs at his dining table. I looked up above Kai at a set of wooden shelves and Toto was perched on the edge between a few clay pots, watching Kai.

"He's waiting.." Kai grinned as he kept cutting up a few vegetables in front of him.

"For?" I asked as I leaned against the kitchen counter.

"Pumpkin seeds. He really likes them," Kai giggled and handed me a few of them.

I looked back up at Toto and he was already flying down to sit upon my shoulder. I smiled as I brought a few seeds up to him and he began snacking upon them.

"I can tell you've been really spoiled living here, Toto. You look fatter," I grinned at him.

Kai giggled "Yeah.. maybe I feed him just a bit too much. But he's so cute. Just like his owner!"

I grinned at him "You mean yourself or me?"

He shot a quick wink at me and didn't respond.

Heh. Dick.

My feathered friend flew away again out the open window in the living room and I returned my attention to Kai, looking him over thoughtfully. I snuck around behind him and coiled my arms around his waist as he kept working away.

"I'm so happy that you're back, Beomgyu.." Kai whispered softly.

"Me too.." I whispered back into the top of his shoulder.

Kai put down his knife for a moment and just enjoyed the moment with me until he began speaking again.

"So, you never told me what _you_ got up to over the past year."

I swallowed and bowed my head a bit. I didn't really want to tell him about the whole 'Angela' mistake, for lack of a better way to put it. It hardly seemed like enlightening information and might just.. hurt him.

"I've been working at the company. I was.. actually meant to become CEO today.."

"Oh, really?! Wow! You must have worked your way up pretty fast, huh?"

I slowly nodded against his shoulder and tried to fight off the surprised look on my father's face as I ran away from him several hours ago.

"So.. you were _meant_ to be CEO..?" he carried on and finally stepped away from me to put all his vegetables into a pot on the stove.

"Yeah.. I.. decided it wasn't really for me," I replied as I looked down at the light wooden floorboards.

"And why's that?" I looked up at Kai's back. I could hear a knowing smirk in his voice. He knew why. But he wanted to hear it, anyway.

"I think you know," I grinned.

"Hmmm... do I?! Maybe you should tell me, _just_ to be sure..," he was looking back at me over his shoulder, the smirk I guessed was there upon his face teasing me.

I picked up a dishtowel sitting upon the kitchen counter and flicked it at his back. It made a satisfying smacking sound against him and he yelped at it before giggling at me for his teasing.

"Smart-ass," I smirked back at him and he dropped the subject.

I wandered back over to him and resumed cuddling him from behind as he stirred at the soup. I relaxed my posture, willingly becoming shorter on the spot and bowed my head in between his shoulder blades and could have almost fallen back asleep with how comforting it felt. He really _was_ a human-mattress.

A while passed and dinner was finally ready. Kai cut up a loaf of bread that also smelled like pumpkins.

"This is pumpkin bread! It will go well with the soup, don't you think?"

I just smiled and nodded at him. It smelled incredible. Those housemaids at my parents' house really needed to step up their game in the kitchen. Nothing compared to this.

Kai served everything up inside some of his handmade bowls and a few plates and stopped before he could walk over to the small table sitting off to the side of his kitchen.

"Hmmm.." he pondered and looked out the kitchen windows. "It's still light outside and really warm. Did we want to eat in the garden?" he asked.

"Sounds perfect," I smiled.

God, my _face_ was beginning to hurt from smiling so much. Not that I was complaining. I just wasn't used to it.

We made our way outside and walked back into the grassy clearing in the middle of the flowers and plants where I had found Kai in earlier. We sat down in our own bubble of our combined gardens and began eating.

"'oly shi-" I mumbled, my mouth full of food. Kai giggled at me and waited for me to swallow before continuing. "I've really missed your food. Seriously."

"Well.. you don't have to miss it anymore.." Kai said softly and he played with his bread in his hands in a shy manner.

.. He _did_ want me to stay.

Like.

 _Stay_ stay.

I just offered him a soft smile and returned to finishing dinner and tried to fight off the sudden onset of nerves.

I really did need to call my father. But I had no idea how to approach the conversation.

Kai finished his food and laid his head down upon my thigh as he rested in the grass, looking directly up past me into the sky. I slowly drew my fingers down the side of his face and he turned his head to offer my fingertips the smallest and softest of kisses with both his lips and his eyelashes.

My heart fluttered like the tiny butterflies that were browsing the flowers for nectar around us. He was so sweet.

I looked off to the side, seeing the wooden panels of our previous fence as the path it now was.

"Why did you take the fence down?"

He looked off in the same direction and I watched his expression deepen upon my thigh.

"Initially I only took some of it down because the panels were burnt from the fire. But once I got started.. I just kinda kept going. After I came to terms with everything, I think the idea of seeing your garden brought me some comfort and.. hope."

My mind was in the past yet again to that day of our picnic.

"Kai.. what were you going to tell me that day before your alarm went off? During our picnic?"

He breathed out a laugh and his cheeks were slightly flushed. But he eventually turned his head to look back up at me.

"I had told you that I gave you my garden so your dad wouldn't be angry at you. But.. I also wanted to say that I hoped if your dad saw it, he might have just let you.. stay. Instead of taking you away."

My insides became a warm burning fire from his words and my eyes softened at him.

"That's what I wanted to tell you that night I said I would return. I wanted to.. admit my feelings for you."

I grinned at him now "And for how long had you had them before that point?"

I was _ever_ so curious. Even though he told me earlier he had 'always' loved me. It can't have been from the very beginning of me yelling "fuck you" to him when he laughed at me when my shovel broke.

"Heh.. I always found you cute. From the very start. Listening to you getting frustrated over the fence when you first tried to dig your garden out."

I offered him a playful scowl now "You found my misfortune _cute_?"

"Yes," he laughed "It was adorable hearing you grumble to yourself with all the colourful language you used."

"You suck," I smirked down at him and he laughed further for a moment before his expression settled once more. He reached down for my hand and held it, stroking his thumb over the back of my knuckles.

"The reason I knew your name wasn't the reason you _think_ , Beomgyu."

I blinked down at him. "What?"

"The day you arrived with your dad, I was outside at the time. And I overheard the conversation of him wanting you to live here for 3 months and the task he set you of fixing the garden while you were both outside talking. I knew your name from day 1."

I blinked again. He really knew of everything from the very start?

"I could hear how angry you were about it. I could tell you were inexperienced and didn't really know what to do," he paused as he stroked my hand some more and smiled now.

"Originally.. I just wanted to help you. I knew you had a huge job ahead of you. Heh.. and I _knew_ you didn't want my help. So I called you by your name a few times to.. try to get your interest."

Heh.. scheming little shit.

"Yeah and it worked," I grumbled lightly though not sincerely.

He giggled softly and looked up at me again "And when I finally convinced you to take my help, the day you came over the first time... I just couldn't believe how.." he reached up to cup the side of my face ".. gorgeous you were."

I smiled down into his eyes and pressed my cheek into his warm palm.

"I'd never seen anyone so breathtaking in my life, Beomgyu. Even when you were glaring at me," he grinned.

"So _that's_ why you flirted with me so relentlessly that day, huh?" I smirked.

He grinned and dropped his hand away from my cheek; definitely embarrassed.

"Maybe."

Tch. 'Maybe'. You're as see-through as a roll of rice paper, Kai.

"And then I.. finally told my grandmother about you," his expression dropped now, his eyebrows drawing closer to each other, he seemed incredibly reluctant to carry on.

"Just tell me, Kai," I whispered.

"My grandmother may have been old and sick, but.. she still had 'contacts' from her criminal days. 'Trustworthy' ones, as she put it."

".. Wha?"

Kai sighed and continued "She had been keeping a secret eye on your family for years. She knew your dad's name. She knew _your_ name. But she had to be sure you were the 'Beomgyu' she suspected you to be after I told her about you. So she.. got me to tell her the registration number of your car so she could look into who owned it."

 _My_ expression was the one to drop now.

"She found out the car was under your dad's name. And she.. told me who you really were in relation to her past crimes."

Kai looked back up at me, his eyes desperate now.

"That's why.. you may have noticed that I went 'silent' for a whole week that time. My grandmother told me not to engage you any further. It was.. also the same time Taehyun came over to assess her and told me she was dying and didn't have much time left. It was a very difficult week for me."

I really didn't know what to say in response. My eyes started to wander away from his and stare off into the sky that was now painted an array of colours from the setting sun.

"But.." Kai started back up again and I looked back down at him. "I-.. I didn't want to listen to her demands. I didn't really care that your family was basically 'the enemy'. I knew it was risky being around you. I knew there was a possibility you might find out who was in my house, but.."

Kai sat up now, leaning in close to me, his eyes tracing the edges of my face slowly.

"I realized I had started a mission with you, Beomgyu. A mission of _growth_. I could see how much progress you were making. And not just in your garden but.." he placed two fingers against the side of my head "in here too. I could tell you were changing."

I breathed deeply as my eyes flicked between his that were staring into mine with such a _fire_ all of a sudden; the look of unrivalled passion and determination.

" _All_ I wanted was to see you keep growing, Beomgyu. I wanted to keep helping you pull the weeds out of your mind. To see you become the person you were _always_ meant to be underneath it all."

My throat was tight now. I knew what he was saying was true. I had always felt it. My growth was all because of him.

He looked thoughtful again as I saw memories circle the depths of his eyes.

"I think I... _truly_ fell in love with you the night of the fire. I could see how much pain it caused you. It hurt me deeply to see you like that. The fire may have burnt up all your efforts, but it ignited something inside of me for you."

He lifted his hand back up to cup my cheek tenderly.

"My love."

I closed my eyes slowly, tears rolling down over his fingers. God, Beomgyu. You _never_ should have left.

"And I heard the song you played the following night. I could hear your _soul_ in it. Your pain. I no longer cared about what my grandmother thought. I knew with your garden gone that _you_ would possibly go with it when your dad saw it."

He paused to hold my entire face in his hands now, making sure I was listening to him.

"So I gave you my garden, my flowers.. my silent token of _love_.. hoping your dad might let you stay to carry on the rest of your 3-month task. And I had hoped that within that final month I could convince youto stay... _Forever."_

I reopened my eyes, Kai a watery mess in front of me.

"You're an angel," I whispered, my voice barely audible amongst my emotions.

He leaned in close to peck my cheek softly and held me close to himself.

"I'm so sorry things happened the way they did, Beomgyu."

I just shook my head and rested it against Kai's shoulder, drawing my arms around him.

"We all had our own demons to face, I guess.." I sniffled into his shirt and he pulled back slightly.

"Well.. not anymore, right? We're past everything," he smiled softly but I realized he was wrong.

"Not quite.. I still haven't told my dad why I left today. He doesn't know where I am or.. that I love you."

Kai let out a quiet sigh to himself as he looked down, thoughtful.

"Does that mean you have to leave again?"

I took in a deep breath and thought about it.

"Briefly. I'll.. head back into the city tomorrow and talk to him. I can't do this over the phone with him."

Kai nodded and looked back up at me "Okay, button." He then looked over to his right behind himself at my previous house that was hidden behind the plants.

"Where.. did you want to stay tonight?"

I swallowed and blushed slightly "Your couch?"

Yeah. 'Your couch' was a safe answer. I felt the reply of 'Your bed' would've been a bit too much.

Kai turned back to me, smiling. "Sure."

We took everything inside. I helped him wash the dishes. Toto watched over us curiously from his perch upon the shelves. I walked over to Kai's couch and sat down, finally taking the time to look around myself.

In the far left corner near a wooden cabinet was an old, light coloured acoustic guitar leaning up against it. The strings looked _just_ as old as I had always guessed they were. Upon the cabinet sat a plant inside a white pot. It was tall, being held upright with a small wooden stake tied with a piece of green material.

The flowers looked.. oddly familiar in their shape. Like.. little faces. They almost looked exactly like the ones that sat on the table in the restaurant with Angela... Orchids. Only these ones were black instead of white. I didn't even know black flowers existed.

Kai had wandered off and came back shortly after with a few blankets and set them down beside me.

"Here you go! So you don't get cold," he smiled at me and the warmth in it was more than enough than what his blankets could offer me.

"Thank you," I said as I was suddenly twiddling my thumbs.

I was nervous now that the day was ending. My thoughts were creeping up on me. I knew I had to see my father the following day, but the thought of it alone was almost more than enough to put a halt to any kind of sleepiness that could have taken me.

Thankfully, Kai wasn't leaving yet. He sat down beside me and looked me over.

"What's wrong, button? You seem nervous about something.."

"Oh just-.. thinking about tomorrow and having to see my dad. I still don't know what to tell him."

Kai took my hand in his with a gentle squeeze "Do you want me to come with you?"

It was the worst idea to ever come out of his mouth.

"I really don't think that will go down very well."

"You never know.." he tried to suggest.

"Thanks, but.. I think I need to do this alone. There's a lot that he and I need to discuss."

Kai finally accepted my willingness to let me do it by myself and his eyes glanced across the room to his guitar.

"Do you want to play some music? It might take your mind off things."

I looked back across at the instrument and the thought of playing something _did_ settle down my thoughts a bit.

"Okay.." I agreed and Kai lifted himself off the couch to retrieve the guitar, bringing it back to me.

God, the thing was old. I guessed perhaps it once belonged to Kai's grandmother.

I sat there and tuned it and the buzzing of the strings were almost grating at my brain.

"You really need to change these strings, you know," I shot a grin at Kai beside me and he giggled.

"Yeah, I know. But it never really seemed as important as everything else I've had to do."

Kai suddenly sat down on the carpet in front of me, leaning back against the coffee table and smiled up at me in a childlike way. "Play something for me!"

I smiled as I thought about it and my heart suddenly began thumping heavily. Maybe I could... play him one of the songs I had written for him. No one else had ever heard them. They were _meant_ for him.

I recalled the handwritten lyrics in my notebook I had glanced over in my office the previous evening. I swallowed and tried to fight off a blush.

"I.. wrote this song for you. For us..." I was whispering so quietly, I doubted Kai could even hear me, but he did as I saw his smile soften at me.

"I'd love to hear it."

I took in a deep breath to steady the nerves. I placed my fingers into the shape of the D major chord and gently began plucking them.

[Never Not](https://youtu.be/VT_hLby9uSY)

_We were so beautiful_ _  
__We were so tragic_ _  
__No other magic  
_ _Could ever compare_

I briefly shot my gaze up at Kai from under my hair and he was still smiling softly at me. I blushed and returned my attention to the guitar.

 _Lost myself, seventeen  
_ _Then you came and found me  
_ _No other magic  
_ _Could ever compare_

I thought back to my late teens, around the time I truly started to become the monster of a person I used to be. Until I came here, being found by Kai and everything he had done to my heart and mind.

 _There's a room  
_ _In my heart with the memories we made  
_ _Took 'em down but they're still in their frames  
_ _There's no way I could ever forget_

I looked back up at Kai as I continued into the chorus. He was smiling peacefully, although I could see his eyes beginning to shine under the low light of the living room. He almost looked tearful but he wasn't crying. Yet.

 _What we had only comes  
_ _Once in a lifetime  
_ _For the rest of mine  
_ _I'll always compare  
_ _To the room  
_ _In my heart with the memories we made  
_ _Nights on 5th in between B and A  
_ _There's no way I could ever forget_

I dropped my hands from my guitar and just sang directly to him; acapella.

 _For as long as I live  
_ _And as long as I love  
_ _I will never not think about you  
_ _You, mmm  
_ _I will never not think about you  
_ _From the moment I left  
_ _I knew you were the one  
_ _And no matter whatever I do  
_ _I will never not think about you_

I sang every last fibre and vessel of my heart to him and with the tears I now saw falling down his cheeks, I knew he caught it all inside of his own.

 _Didn't we have fun?  
_ _Didn't we have fun?  
_ _Looking back_

We did have fun, now that I thought about it. He may have teased me relentlessly, like usual, but even though I took some of it a little too personally because of my stupid pride.. it was the start of something so tragically beautiful.

 _We were so beautiful  
_ _We were so tragic  
_ _No other magic  
_ _Could ever compare_

I closed the song softly and watched as Kai wiped his tears away and he gave himself a moment before he could speak.

"You know, Beomgyu, I-.. I don't actually cry that often. But your song really.." he paused and wiped a few more stray tears away.

I placed the guitar down up against the couch and I pulled Kai up onto his knees, wrapping my arms around him in a tight embrace. "It's okay, baby," I whispered gently to him.

He pulled back after a few more tearful moments, his eyes swimming in front of mine. "I love you so much, Beomgyu.. You have no idea.."

I pushed my fingers through the soft lengths of his hair, kissing him slowly. He was sweet yet salty from the tears that had made their way down to his lips. I kissed them all away until he was returned to his usual honeyed flavour.

But the more my lips pressed against his, the more something began to shift between us with each kiss. The temperature was rising now with a torturously slow sort of urgency.

He knelt upon the floor between my thighs, his palms now moving up the edges of them as he moved closer, our chests touching and the warmth of it gripped me in place.

The kiss deepened in an instant, his tongue slowly moving against mine and I wanted to be impossibly closer. The long 12 months that were lost between us were now so glaringly apparent.

His hands were now around my waist, pulling me forward and I instinctively wrapped my thighs around him. We pulled back from each other's lips and I could see a fire in his eyes once more, but it burned slower than before in our garden.

"I don't think I want you on my couch," he whispered deeply, a deliciously unknown hint of something to his voice now; spicy and sweet like cinnamon.

I swore I could have visibly shuddered at his words, my own barely seemed possible, but I somehow managed.

"Where do you want me then?" I breathed out, my hands pushing up his chest to his shoulders.

He smiled softly and.. _differently_ at me and I knew.

Maybe I _should_ have just told him I wanted to stay in his bed.


	25. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Sexual content that certainly lives up to the 'M' rating of this book, yet not enough to push it into the explicit area as that was never my intent from the start. But I do suppose it's just a matter of interpretation. Read at your own risk. Or skip all 3/4 of the entire chapter to the ~ symbol 😂

You don't care, Beomgyu.

You _don't_.

But fuck it, you kinda _do._

Kai could have just let me _walk_ with him, but no, he had to pick me up with my thighs around his waist and I was now being carried down the hallway to what I presumed was his bedroom.

No. I _don't_ care. It's the destination, not the journey.

I wasn't paying too much attention, anyway. My eyes were closed, kissing him impossibly as he carried me. I heard a door open and close and was suddenly hit with a strong heat and a mixture of floral scents.

I departed my lips from his to find he was sitting down on the end of his bed, keeping me in his lap as I looked up and around myself and-

God. The feeling of Kai's lips attaching to my neck as I looked around wasn't helping. I tried taking in my surroundings but it was almost unfeasible.

Plants. There were plants. Potted ones. Hanging ones. Some flowering. Some not. They smelled amazing but the sheer _heat_ of the room was-

"Mmm.." I let my eyes close and a small moan of arousal left me with the way his mouth was delicately sucking at my neck, his hands moved up and down my sides as I was pulled closer to him in his lap.

Fuck this suit. Fuck all of it.

Thankfully I had abandoned my tie in the parking lot of the shopping centre earlier, along with my jacket in his kitchen. My fingers worked on the buttons of my shirt, although I lost my patience for the bottom two and just popped them off with a firm pulling of the cotton material from each side.

I shrugged out of it, Kai's eyes briefly dropped to my chest with a smile but brought his gaze back up to my face as if to be _polite_. Now's not the time for politeness, Kai, and you fucking know it.

I kissed him again, _deeply_ , my tongue almost reaching the back of his throat. I was becoming so fever induced by him, it was maddening. Or maybe it was just the heat. It had been a scorching day and the almost-set sun was leaving its fiery remnants in the room that sweltered around us.

The heat just made me even more impatient for him. I began unbuttoning his shirt, showing it as much self-restraint as I did my own; barely any. But Kai noticed my restlessness and broke away from my lips with a small giggle to himself.

"This isn't the time for laughing," I breathed at him, my words tripping over each other in a rush just like my fingers were with the last few buttons of his shirt.

He reached down to stop my hands with his own and I was confused, my eyes catching his with intrigue.

"You-.. Do you not want this?" I asked, now becoming worried.

He leaned forward just a mere inch to kiss me softly, a knowing smile on his lightly flushed face. "I wouldn't have carried you in here if I didn't, Beomgyu.." he whispered.

Before I could throw any more questions at him he lifted me slightly and rolled me to the left, being placed dead centre upon the bed beneath me. The mattress was very soft. Very relaxed. Unlike myself.

"You're still always in such a rush.." Kai smiled softly, his eyelashes batting sweetly at me.

I swallowed and just gazed up at him, his left hand pressing down beside my head as he held himself above me.

"I-.. I don't know how to do this any other way.." I admitted.

He lowered himself closer, pressing his forehead against mine as I froze at the gaze he was giving me.

"You know I like to take things slowly, Beomgyu.." he whispered, his words dripping into my mouth seductively as he kissed me slowly yet _fast_ as he pulled back just a moment later.

"Isn't it just so much more satisfying.." his hand was slowly moving down between us to my hips and I gasped as I felt his fingertips gently dance over the zip of my pants ".. to take the time to watch things.. _grow?"_

I blushed brightly, fighting off a moan and damn well failing anyway as I felt his fingers trace me through my suit pants; instantly giving life to what lay underneath.

.. Fuck him. It wasn't _enough_ for him to tease me outside of the bedroom. He had to drag it in here too, didn't he? I promised myself on the spot that I would make him pay for it. Don't poke the bear when it's angry, Kai.

My frustration fluctuated suddenly, I was distracted by his eyes right in front of mine, giving me a mystifying glance. His smile changed into a smirk as his fingers and palm continued teasing at me and my pants just grew tighter under the slow stroking. He knew _exactly_ what he was doing to me and it proved to piss me off even further.

He must have noticed it as he stopped. But started undoing my belt and I watched him rid my lower half of the rest of my clothes. But he was still fully dressed apart from the progress I had made on his shirt.

I sat up on my elbows and bounced my eyes up and down him for a moment. "Off," I said simply but more of an order than a gentle request.

He breathed out a little laugh to himself and stood up at the foot of the bed. He finished undoing the buttons he had prevented me from getting at, letting the white shirt drop to the floor and my eyes were just everywhere as he began working on his jeans.

Well.. his shoulders didn't fucking lie but the rest of him certainly had under the all the loose-fitting clothing he was usually dressed in. Almost built like a fucking 1970s _Cadilac_. Broad. Solid. Sturdy. Not overwhelmingly so, but just.. more so than me. Such admirable proportions to him that would make you look back over your shoulder at him as he went by and find yourself walking into a stop sign.

I tried to speak but my throat just made a choking noise from how _dry_ it had gone from lying there watching him strip off in front of me.

He giggled at me, noticing my sudden lack of composure "What's wrong, button? It's not like you to be speechless.."

I cleared my throat and just blushed, even more, matching the colour of some of the red flowers that were around us.

"I-.." I dragged my gaze down him slowly to about mid-thigh before bringing it back up to his face. "I'm just.. admiring the landscape.."

It was the most wholesome way I could word it. There were many... _many_ other words I could have used but not only did they seem inappropriate, but they would also have failed to bring my thoughts to justice, anyway. God, now _I_ was being polite, even though I didn't want it from him.

He dropped his head down to my hips suddenly and the way his eyes were smouldering at me in the heat of the room was enough to set the whole house on fire. He kissed his way down the top of my left thigh and then back up along the inner side of it and suddenly the bedding beneath me was gripped into my fists.

His warm, smooth palms pushed their way up my stomach to my chest, dipping into every last curve and edge of me and gently came back down to grip both sides of my hips. He may have had his mouth and hands on me but I felt so fucking _untouched_ still with the way I saw him deliberately avoiding the swelling heat between my legs.

My hands shot down to his head, fingers gripping his hair as I tried to urge him closer but he just wouldn't let me. God fucking _damn_ you, Kai. Are you going to make me beg? Is that what you want? ... To hell with it.

"Please.." the sound of my own voice pleading was enough to almost make me curl into a ball but my head was filled with more air than it could handle as I drew in a deep breath, feeling him finally give me what I wanted.

My head hung back as I was met with the warm, slick wetness of his mouth and tongue wrapping around me, sucking me inwards along with all the air out of my lungs as I moaned deeply.

"God.." I breathed out, my fingers loosening in his hair as they massaged at it now just like his tongue was against the sensitive underside of me. Slowly. Not enough but almost too much. My brain was becoming a puddle in my head as my vision blurred. But it almost solidified in an instant as he pulled back after a while.

I brought my head back forward, my dizzy eyes trying to clasp onto him and I saw him reach off to the side of us to his bedside table and brought something off it to sit between us as he now knelt between my thighs.

"This is Aloe Vera gel that I collect from my plants" he trailed off with a touch of intrigue to his voice and it made me look down to what he was doing. He was applying something wet, sticky and very translucent to his fingers. It was the same stuff he had given me for when my ears were sunburnt.

"I usually use it to keep my hands soft from my work.." he grinned and gave me an arch of an eyebrow. "But I figure it will do a good enough job for this too.."

Lubrication.. ? From a pla- _Ah_.

I gasped a little too loudly as I felt his fingers gently ease their way inside. I was used to the feeling but considering it had been so long for me, it felt like the first time all over again.

My head hung back with a moan once more as his fingers moved in deeper, slowly stretching me open and a notion about him that I had once pondered suddenly became fact.

He _was_ good with his hands.

The gel from the plant was as cool and soothing as I remembered it to be. It never would have crossed my mind to use it like this. He was so fucking... resourceful. He really did just use _everything_ mother nature gave him to his benefit.

I was pushing down onto his fingers now, barely able to help myself. But he kept on taking his time. Still too slow. Still not enough. Still almost too much. He added what I _presumed_ was a third digit inside me and it had my back arching now and a ripple of pleasure moving up my whole body in a wave.

My elbows gave out under me as I just fell into the mattress, it was getting harder to breathe now. Especially when I felt him suck me into his mouth once more while his fingers still worked away diligently; multitasking me to hell and back.

Good with his hands _and_ a hard worker in all regards. Confirmed.

I made the mistake of looking down at him, he was already staring directly at me like he _knew_ my eyes would be upon him.

"God, just-" my words were replaced with a particularly loud and surprised moan with how his fingers curled upwards along with his tongue, grinding against both sensitive spots at once unapologetically.

Good with his hands, a hard worker _and_ talented. Fine, Kai. You can stop showing off now.

My resolve softened, the opposite of what my throbbing flesh was doing between his lips as I now almost glared down at him.

"Just fuck me already." Again, there were many, many other words I could have used, but they didn't seem appropriate now either.

He pulled back entirely, his eyes holding mine, gripping my thighs and pushed me up the bed further with ease until his pillows were beneath me.

"I don't want to fuck you, Beomgyu," he said simply and my mind was just befuddled now.

He moved up the bed with me, bringing one of my thighs up with his hand behind my knee, pressing it that far back that it almost connected with the bed beneath us. He kissed me so softly I could barely feel it.

"But I will make love to you," he whispered against my lips and my heart skipped.

I opened my mouth to reply but he was already pushing his way inside. I gasped sharply at the feel of him but instead of drawing in air, I had only drawn his lips to mine as he kissed me just as slowly as he thrust inwards.

Jesus could just take the fucking wheel now. I wasn't in control anymore. Had I even been from the start though?

My hands latched onto his upper back as I just continued gasping shakily into the kiss. He was moaning deeply now as we _both_ came to the realization that no amount of preparation was enough for the snug fit that I was around him.

He pulled back, just as slowly as he pushed in. He used the moment of reprise to slide his left hand behind my head, almost cradling it and I couldn't help but look up into his eyes. We held each other's gazes as he pushed in again, mutual moans shared between us and I felt his body shiver above me.

" _God_ , Beomgyu.." his voice dropped so deeply it almost sunk through the bed. We were barely moving and yet I could feel both of our heartbeats against each other's chests racing.

He continued with the slow pace, breaking me in further with every move. He felt _amazing_ but god, it was torturous. It took him a whole three seconds to pull back _and_ push back in. Time; such a painful thing.

But he didn't feel that way. I could tell. His lips scattered delicate kisses over my cheeks, down my jaw to my neck and all the way back up to my lips. This wasn't just sex to him. It was the journey, not the destination.

"You're so beautiful, Beomgyu.." he breathed heavily against my lips with his own.

My heart was still hammering but it synced with his now, our gasps for air were parallel against the other and with each and every last thrust of his hips into mine, I was beginning to fall deeper into a foreign place of pleasure. I had never looked into someone's eyes during this kind of ritual before. What was the point?

But I couldn't look away. Even if I had tried to. I was being held captive by his love for me. It swelled inside of me and I blossomed under him. His forehead pressed down into mine and our strands of hair became stuck together from the sweat that started to build.

The moans that left me were _different_. Less loud and longing and more.. appreciative. More loving. More adoring. My hands were cupping his face, kissing him every other second between our movements. I had never felt more aroused in my entire life and it was still so soft and slow between us. I could truly feel him. I could see his love shine in his eyes, could feel it in the way he still held my head tenderly and hear it with every soft moan from his lips against my own.

But as much as my heart and mind were enjoying this new level of intimacy, my body was soon beginning to race ahead. It was becoming impatient again. I tried to fight it but I was losing more and more by the second.

I wrapped my thighs around his waist, my hands dropping from his face as they clutched into the pillow behind my head. I was still staring up into his eyes and they just deepened even further as he felt my hips rolling down into his. Our moans shifted in pitch. The room was a humid jungle now and it only increased the animalistic urge inside me for more of him.

He shifted himself above me, sitting back on his knees. Thrusts still slow, becoming harder but not deeper. I finally departed my eyes from his and they slipped down his body that was covered in a light sheen of sweat that left not an inch of him untouched. My eyes began to glaze over as I watched him begin to struggle with the clutching euphoria that built between us. It was mesmerizing.

I could tell he was holding back. I could feel his urgency now but he was refusing to let himself slip into it completely and I think we _both_ knew- It definitely wasn't the time to be polite now.

I smirked up at him and bucked my hips harder against his and his hands were suddenly gripping my hips, not to encourage me, but to try and stop me. My smirk only spread wider along with my thighs on either side of him.

"What's wrong, Kai?" I breathed out at him, almost giggling.

He almost stopped entirely and I knew I was on the right track of breaking him down further. I chewed deliciously on my lower lip at him, deliberately moaning deeply. He caught my alluring expressions at him and he had to stop looking at me, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to calm himself. I could tell I was getting him so close. I could feel it with every desperate pulse of himself inside.

"You're holding back on me.." I teased at him, my hands gliding up over his chest, my hands becoming moist from the stray beads of sweat that dripped down and became absorbed by my own open pores.

"I just.." he panted, giving himself a moment.. "I just don't want to hurt you, Beomgyu."

"You think I'm made of glass?" I almost laughed, but again, it wasn't the time for laughing.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had waited so long for this and I wouldn't let it end without him giving me _anything_ else but his best.

I hardened my gaze up at him "Fucking try me," I taunted him, my voice deep and ladened with desire.

The air shifted in an instant like a lightning crash had just hit the room; impossibly hot and electric. His gaze sharpened into two knives above his cheekbones, his mouth closed from his gasping for breath and nostrils flaring at me as he redirected the air in his lungs to exhale out of them.

I just swallowed in what I could have sworn was... fear. He looked... angry? No. Fiercely passionate.

Before I could conjure another thought he pulled back and I was immediately flipped onto my front with zero apologies. I gasped as I felt his hands grip my hips and they were lifted from the bed. I tried to bring my upper body up upon my hands but his palm was holding me down between my shoulder blades.

Shit.

A tremendous groan was ripped through me as he thrust back inside. And again. And again. Faster, harder and so much _deeper_ than he had previously been. His hips were essentially smashing into me now and it erupted harsh noises out of my throat that filled the room with a loud enough volume to make the plants around us wilt in submission.

"Je-sus- fuck-ing- **_Christ_**." I pathetically whimpered the five scattered syllables into the pillow to match the tempo of his driving force.

For all the times he was so unaware of his strength, he was **_certainly_** fucking aware of it now by the way he held me down beneath him. Not only did he have horsepower available to him now but an insane amount of torque to back it up. I tried to fight it. I pushed at the mattress beneath me to give myself some leverage but my arms became jelly from the overwhelming power he had over me now.

He noticed me struggling and just _had_ to fucking comment on it with yet more teasing.

"Mmm.. what's wrong, Beomgyu? Think you can handle this?" his voice deepened, almost groaning out roughly at me and all I could do was smirk to myself in defeat with a small chuckle. I had asked for it. But could I handle it?

No. He was too much. _Always_ too much.

I just let him have me now and things were accelerating at a rate faster than I had anticipated. My inner speedometers were redlining, needles wanting to snap in half as he drove me _insane_. My body was being shunted forward, but he now gripped my hips hard to keep me within a very short range of himself; inescapable.

I could feel my brain _move_ inside like a cracked egg yolk hitting the top of my skull with every thrust. But he was beating it to a scrambled mess. The moans that left me were fewer moans and more piercing noises of complete abandonment. All of them stitched together as he allowed me no moment of recovery. He was in so deep now. Deeper than anyone had ever reached before. I felt like a large log of wood slowly being split up the middle by the relentless head of an axe; my spine could have almost splintered.

I gripped the sheets beneath me, pulling them clean off the edges of the bed but it wasn't enough to stabilize myself. My strong thighs were nothing now, I was reduced to a whimpering, sweat-slicked mass of need.

Not that I _needed_ anymore. He more than made up for my frustrations at him for being so mind-fucking _slow_ earlier.

His gasps for breath behind me were more hisses than anything. He was right on the edge now and I was there with him. The sheets were almost ripping in my fists as I shut my mind to everything else but him. It was _all_ him. And I was a mere extension. A leaf attached to a tree. A raindrop in the sky. A wheel on the highway that he had paved and I was just here for the fucking ride now. Did I even care at this point?

No, Beomgyu. You _don't_ care.

My insides clenched around him, my thighs shuddering and I almost collapsed into the mattress but he held me up and suddenly there was a thousand galaxies worth of stars bursting open in my eyes and a voice that was barely my own leaving me.

I loved him. I loved him so god damned much. I felt it with every nerve in my body as they burnt up and were replaced with an overflowing quintessence of life as the hot, wet essence of my core projected out of me with the speed and relentless force of a falling star hurtling across the atmosphere.

I lost my vision. My hearing. My breath. Lost control entirely as I convulsed under him from the immeasurable pleasure. I was being moved. I don't know where. My head wasn't even attached to my neck anymore. Was it? I felt his chest against my back now, sliding against me with ease from our combined perspiration. I think I was upright on my knees. Maybe. I don't fucking know. _God._

God? I was calling his name. I couldn't hear it around me but it distantly echoed in my head. But why? Why call out to someone else in heaven when heaven was right _here_?

I felt Kai's lips on my neck from behind, his arms wrapped all the way around me and a distant, ferocious kind of groan next to my ear and possibly even my name being called to me as I was filled by him. I shouldn't have even felt it, all things considered, but it was abundant; impossible to ignore. Hot. Searing. Melting down my inner thighs like my entire world was around me.

I was so sure I had passed out but I could hear my own voice again now. And his; our impossible gasps for breath as my surroundings slowly came morphing back into existence from the other plane I had reached.

I was being moved again and my brain could have just seeped straight out of my ears. I think I was on my back now. I could feel the bed beneath me again. The room was spinning as I opened my eyes. No amount of any alcohol I had ever ingested before had made me this dizzy. Since when did Kai have a twin? There were 2 of him. Possibly even 3.

"Beomgyu.." I heard him breathe out and it slowly recentered me back to just the 1 of him that was there.

"Are you okay?" his voice was soft again just like the small kisses that skipped along my cheeks and lips.

Speaking took too much effort. I just nodded slightly and it made me dizzier.

I vaguely felt the mattress move beside me and I was pulled to the side, my head collapsing upon Kai's chest as I heard his heartbeat begin to slow from the 300mph race for sensual gratification we had just completed.

His heated palms were moving up and down my back, his lips pressing small kisses into the top of my spinning head and all I could achieve in response was something of a lazy smile.

Time passed slowly, pleasurably so, and my senses gradually began returning to me. The room smelled like a meadow of heaven from the flowers and we just lay in it silently.

"Are you okay, button?" he asked me again eventually in a quiet whisper; still concerned for me.

Was I 'okay'? It was too weak of a word for how I was feeling.

"I-.." I stopped as I thought about it. I _was_ fine. Marvellous, actually. My body felt plump full of oxytocin. All because of him.

"I'm just perfect," I replied in a single breath.

His chest jolted under me with a giggle. "Yes, you are," I heard him grinning out.

I had more energy now, although still a pitiful amount as I rolled more to my side, collapsing my left arm and leg across him and coiled around his warm body like a panda bear to a bamboo shoot.

"I'm- .. sorry if I was too rough on you," he said quietly, sounding guilty.

"You're sorry for completely _railing_ me?" I smirked against his chest.

He laughed embarrassedly now. I peered up at him and he was covering his face with the edge of a pillow.

Heh. He had the nerve to be _bashful_ about it now. You can't just do what you did, Kai, and then be _shy_ about it. That's not how it works. But I guessed he was more used to being soft and slow. But hey, it was good to know he could switch things up in an instant if I asked him to. Better to be balanced than heavily one-sided. He taught me that.

"Don't be sorry... I loved every last moment. Since they were with you.." I said in almost a bit too much of a gushy fashion as I traced small circles on his chest with my fingertips.

My chin was tilted up with his hand and I was kissed softly. The room was mostly dark, but the skies outside still had a faint glow to them from the sun sitting below the horizon and it shone into his eyes that danced at me affectionately.

"Please tell me you'll stay, Beomgyu."

My exhausted heart wanted to burst open.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, Kai," I promised him.

His wholesome smile stretched wide and I was cuddled even tighter into him.

As much as I was still mildly worried about my father's reaction to everything, I decided on the spot that I wouldn't let anything he said about it sway me. Nothing was going to keep me away from this place now.

**~**

The next morning came and went. I slept in. Probably until around midday. I shouldn't have, considering my task ahead of me, but fuck it, I wanted to selfishly indulge myself in Kai's presence a bit more before having to suck it up and be an adult for the day.

Kai brought me breakfast or I guess.. _lunch_ in bed and lay on it with me as I ate, talking idly about small, insignificant happenings. But the weight of the conversations were still soul-enriching considering they were shared with _him_.

I eventually left his house, not before a lot more cuddling and kissing of him. I walked to my car. That took an hour. I then had to walk to a gas station with a gas can. That took a further half an hour. Then back to my car. Two hours in total just to get the thing fucking _running_. It was mid-afternoon now and I was driving below the speed limit towards the Choi Automotive Industries building.

I parked next to my father's car in the parking lot. I was glad he was there. Only slightly though. It meant I didn't need to go searching for him.

I tried to sneak in through the lobby but Oscar noticed me from behind the front desk.

"Beomgyu.." he addressed me deeply before I could escape into the elevator. I turned to him and saw his middle-aged face deeply searching my own with concern.

"What happened yesterday?"

I felt guilty. This man had put everything into pushing me ahead in my career and I up and left it all like it was nothing. I just turned from him without a word and went through the opening doors of the elevator.

I pressed the 11th-floor button and watched as the red numbers ticked upwards. My nerves increased with every floor I passed, just imagining the look on my father's face when I finally walked into his office and the string of words I would be met with. I tried to steel myself to them the higher I ascended.

I'm doing this for you, Kai.

I exited the elevator upon the 11th floor. Again, trying to sneak my way down the hallway, but I was one of the faces of the business. _Everyone_ knew who I was. As much as I prided myself on my family name in previous years, I now wished I was just no one. I passed several glances and whispered words from employees as I made my way to my father's office. Thankfully, I didn't run into any of the board of the directors.

I stood before my father's office door. It was tall and intimidating. I felt so small before it.

Please, dad. Be forgiving.

I gave the door a few knocks and heard my father's stressed voice echo at me from inside.

"Come in."

I swallowed and felt every pore in my body suddenly perspire as I gripped the handle and pushed it open.

My father's eyes widened at me, and, as I had expected, I was met with an abundance of words that were barely audible in their rush and disbelief.

"Beomgyu, where in the **_fuck_** have you been?!?!" he jolted upright from his chair behind his desk.

I closed the door behind me, not wanting the conversation to be overheard from the eavesdroppers in the hallway.

"Do you have **_any_** idea how much shit you've put me in?!"

I took slow steps towards him, trying to deflect his anger off myself.

Hold it together, Beomgyu. Don't snap.

I kept Kai's beautiful, soul-warming smile in my head. It was the only thing that calmed me. The only hand that held mine.

" **Answer me** , Beomgyu!"

I licked my lips thoughtfully, slowly drawing my gaze up to my father's. His eyes were shaking in his skull. His suit was a disordered mess just like his hair. He almost looked exactly like I had after my sprint to Kai's house the previous day.

"I went to the outskirts."

My father's expression opened up from the tight ball of stress that it was, his mouth falling open.

".. What?" he breathed out.

"And I went back to... him. The neighbour. Kai. I'm-.. I'm in love with him, dad. I have been all this time. I don't want the title of CEO. I don't want to work here anymore. I don't want to _live_ here anymore."

My small statement felt like a marathon had left my mouth, my throat now dry from my confession; nothing left to say.

My father couldn't even blink, his eyes bore right through me as I saw an abundance of thoughts sift through his mind like sand through fingers. His face slowly relaxed, but he looked even more exhausted now than when I had first walked in a moment ago.

He slowly sunk back down into his chair and let it swing to the side as his eyes cast across the room with no given direction or purpose.

"Heh.." he breathed out, giving a small, secretive shake of his head and I saw what I could have _sworn_ was the tiniest of smiles upon himself.

"Kai Kamal Huening, huh?" my father whispered out and my eyes widened.

He-.. he knew his name? His _full_ name? His name that _I_ hadn't even become aware of yet until that very moment?

"H-how do you-.." I stumbled with both my words and my footsteps as I approached my father's desk.

He slowly swung back around on his chair to face me, a whole year's worth of unforgivable and broken _life_ upon his face as he looked at me.

He reached down to his bottom desk drawer, opening it and brought out a small, brown envelope and placed it down between us on top of his desk. _'My Dearest Love'_ was written upon the centre of it with black ink.

"You might want to sit down, son. You need to read this."


	26. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready a few tissues. Almost cried, myself, writing some of this. Enjoy!

My eyes bounced like tennis balls between my father and the envelope on the desk.

I was nervous. Anxious. Edgy. _Neurotic_. All the things in the dictionary to describe whatever the fuck I was that afternoon.

I eventually kept my eyes upon my father, trying to read his expression and I felt the need for prescription glasses as I couldn't make it out. It was somewhere between deeply concerned and.. accepting; a truth I had never seen on him before.

He motioned a hand towards the chair sitting in front of his desk and I warily sat down as I slowly reached for the envelope. I looked back up at my father as I began opening it, he still didn't want to elaborate on anything further as he just watched me and leaned back in his chair.

I pulled out and unfolded what seemed to be a letter written in perfect cursive handwriting. Though I didn't recognize who it belonged to.

I licked my lips and took in a deep breath as I began reading.

_**It's been a while, hasn't it? Time can be such a.. painful thing.** _

I swallowed and blinked as the very first line already had me drawn in deeper than a mole down a hole.

_**I'm writing to you for a multitude of reasons. The first is to let you know that I'm sorry. A broken heart, if left unattended in the wrong environment, can lead to a toxic mind.** _

I shifted in my seat and briefly looked up at my father between lines; his expression unchanging.

_**I spent a long time hating you, as I'm sure you know. And by all the bother you went through of trying to find me, I know that hate was reciprocated**._

My eyes widened slightly as they skimmed over the words 'trying to find me'. Was this.. A letter from Kai's grandmother? She... _did_ reach out to my grandfather, after all.

_**I told myself for a long time that falling in love with you was the biggest mistake of my life. But after a while, I learned it was actually the stepping stones towards a better, more fruitful existence.** _

Kai's words of telling me how his grandmother had found an organic life from hiding herself away rang in my head. I brought the letter up closer to myself, becoming immersed like a book nerd in a library right before closing hours.

_**I've been living low in the outskirts for all these long 40 years. With being cut off from the city and all the prying, hunting eyes, I taught myself to become self-sufficient in my isolation. I planted food to grow. I sewed my own clothes. I handcrafted my own plates. I built my furniture. And with every last crop I harvested, with every seam I sewed, with every spin of the pottery wheel and every curving carve of the wood, my mind and heart began to heal itself.** _

My throat began to tighten now. I could feel Kai's grief for losing her. Regardless of what she had done to my family, I could now see how much of a beautiful soul she turned into. I was reading the words of the one who made Kai who he was. The man I loved.

_**Eventually, I forgave you for leaving me. But most importantly, I forgave myself for hurting you in return. As much as I still believe time can be a painful thing. It can be a healing thing, too.** _

The tears were here now. A few of them dropped down onto the letter, smudging a few words. I couldn't look back up at my father yet as I continued on.

_**The second reason I write to you is to let you know that I'm afraid time is also no longer on my side. I'm dying. I might only have a few days left in me at this stage. There's little reason to carry on your court case to find me. I know this will put you in a difficult position, but it also puts me in one, too.** _

I stopped for a moment to breathe, finally looking up at my father and he was beginning to look more mutually understanding now.

_**The third reason I write to you is to say that during my isolation, I took in an abandoned child as a baby. Although he's not a baby anymore. He's a young man now and has been taking care of me during these past few years since I first fell ill. He's both the son and the grandchild I could never have. He knows the truths of my life. He's aware that he's hiding a wanted criminal. And he's also aware of the life behind bars he faces if he were to ever get caught. I even told him to leave and to just let my life claim me... but this darling boy refuses to.** _

More tears fell and I could barely see the words of the letter anymore through the blurry mess of my eyes. Kai had really stayed to accept his grandmother's guilt, just so he could take care of her. The beautiful soul of this woman really had been passed down to him, even though her blood hadn't been.

_**The fourth reason I write to you is to tell you that this adopted grandson of mine has also happened to form something of a friendship with our new neighbour. Your grandson. Beomgyu. Although if I know my own grandson well enough, and I feel that I do, I can tell that it's something perhaps more than just a friendship.** _

My heart picked up again. It felt so strange to see my name in this letter now. I felt so _seen_.

_**I told Kai not to engage him any further, considering the past I've been trying to hide. But I can see so clearly that he is in love with Beomgyu, even though he hasn't admitted it yet to either myself or your grandson.** _

I flipped the page over in a rush to read the start of the second one.

_**The fifth and final reason I write to you is to express my only dying wish. Please. For the sake of both our grandchildren, let Kai go free. I don't want to die with any more guilt than I've already had to carry. Kai doesn't deserve to serve my sentence.** _

My hands wanted to ball up into tight fists, the tears just wouldn't stop.

_**He is my Gift from God. My shining light that has made my older years all the more youthful and bright. He carries with him all I've learnt from my life here. All my pain. All my healing. All my growth. He may be guilty by association with me, but his soul is innocent. It is the purest thing in this polluted world. And it would be wasted inside a jail cell. I don't know if Beomgyu will ever learn of my crimes, but I'm putting my trust in you to make sure that he doesn't. Not before Kai is able to tell him all of it, himself, one day. I can only hope Beomgyu will be understanding. Just like I hope you will be.** _

The inside of my mouth was salty now with all the tears that had settled onto my lips as I licked them, trying to recompose myself enough for the final paragraph that sat at the bottom of the page.

_**This isn't a reason I write to you, but I still want to say it, anyway. I never stopped loving you. Even though I tried to take everything from you and you tried to hunt me down relentlessly. I still remember all the summer days we would spend together in secret. That special day during our picnic. Do you remember? The day you told me you loved me. I can still feel the way your fingertips traced the Orchid tattoo on my neck as you gazed into my eyes. You had such a special touch to you. I always thought, if I could freeze time, I would have frozen it right then before you founded your company and left me without a word. But life goes on without a care. And so here I am, at the end of mine.** _

I mouthed the words 'fucking hell' to myself. Kai's grandmother... it was like I was reading a version of myself in her words with.. a hint of Kai to her too.

_**Let's meet again one day in another life. A picnic with you would be nice. Until then, my dearest love.** _

_**Maya.** _

I breathed slowly, deeply, deliberately as I closed the letter up in my hands and sunk down into the chair further. I felt both enlightened and defeated all at once.

I eventually looked back up at my father. I didn't know what to say. But neither did he.

He reached back into his drawer as he brought out a few pieces of paper and placed them in front of me. I swapped the letter for them and noticed they were high school records of.. Kai.

"Kai Kamal Huening. Born in August 2002. Almost 21 years old. Graduated high school 3 years ago," my father spoke with not much emotion as I examined the paperwork. My eyes flicking down over his grades.

"Top of most of his classes. Specifically, home economics, music, art and health studies," my father carried on as the text on the page matched what he was saying.

I flicked over the pages and came to something different now. The word _'Gardenia'_ at the top of the page. The same place Angela and I had gone for dinner. This was... an employment contract.

"He worked in the city for 6 months as a kitchen hand not long after his 18th birthday. Lived at an address belonging to a 'Dr. Kang', same age, works at the hospital in the city centre."

I blinked and shook my head. This wasn't information my father could get from just picking up a phone and asking for it.

"W-where did you get all this from?"

My father gave a small sigh and spoke quietly "Your grandfather left that letter to me in his Will when he died. After I read it, I hired a private investigator to get me information on Kai."

I sat all the paperwork down on the desk and swung back on the chair, sighing deeply and cautiously looked back up at my father.

"Why?" I asked.

My father shook his head, reaching for the letter and giving some parts of it a quick glance before replying.

"I didn't know if I believed what this woman said to be true or not about Kai. I- .. wanted to make sure he was everything she was saying he was. Hoping that she wasn't just trying to cover the identity of _another_ criminal. Especially considering.. what this woman said about him being in love with you.."

He dropped the letter between us again and looked up at me, searching my eyes.

"Even though the letter made you cry, you don't seem particularly angry about any of it. I presume Kai's told you everything already?"

I nodded slowly in response, but it wasn't the complete truth. I had known about all of it _before_ yesterday.

"I knew about Maya's identity.. A year ago when I left the outskirts."

I saw my father's eyes widen at me for a moment before I saw him thinking it over as his eyes wandered away from me in thought.

"So _that_ wasthe real reason you wanted to leave so suddenly?"

I nodded. "I saw the ambulance in Kai's driveway from my bedroom window and I went over to investigate. I-.. thought it was Kai in the body bag. But it was her. Maya. I saw the flower tattoo on her neck and forced Kai to tell me who she really was."

"So.. things didn't end well between you two then?"

I shook my head. "No." I looked back up at my father, his face heavy with the past months.

"I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry I kept everything from you. I'm sorry grandad did too."

He raised his eyebrow and pursed his lips, trying not to look pissed off but I think he was past it now.

"Yeah well.. It was certainly a surprise to read the contents of that letter. Can't believe he had an affair.. But... It all _finally_ made sense."

He looked back up at me and leaned in close "I also got the private investigator to do some extra work. Regarding Maya's death."

I blinked "What?"

"I got him to find out where she was laid to rest and drop an anonymous tip to the police. They found her burial site and investigated it. They confirmed it was her and the court case was dropped finally. It couldn't carry on without any leads and your grandfather dead."

"What about you? Wouldn't police question you too since grandad died?"

My father was now smirking at me. "Heh... your ole' dad's not as stupid as he looks, son."

".. Wha?"

"I emptied almost all of my personal life savings into getting the private investigator to pull some _extra heavy_ strings. He had contacts within the police department and managed to get the case closed without a fuss."

"Fucking hell.." I whispered. "Something like that.. would've cost you _millions_."

He nodded "Yup. Almost as many millions as Maya took from your grandfather in the first place."

He was now almost laughing, shaking his head and looked at me, giving a small smile. "Funny old world, isn't it? How things come around.."

I looked back down at the letter, picking it up once more, trying to further absorb the words.

"You did all that... just to keep Kai safe?"

"Not initially. I did it to cover my own ass. But.. after a while.. I began to think an awful lot about that day I saw you with your garden blooming like it was. And how.. different you were all of a sudden."

He smiled knowingly at me now "It wasn't the garden that changed you, was it, Beomgyu?"

I blushed, hanging my head a bit.

"Heh. I knew it. I knew from that day I saw Kai in your garden and me yelling at him and how he tried to defend you. I knew he cared about you. But I was- ... too angry to see it then."

I brought my gaze back up to him slowly, his smile faded and now looked almost tearful.

"I'm sorry I smacked you that day, Beomgyu. I was just so convinced that you had gone against every last word I gave you."

"No.. I deserved it. I _had_ gone against every word you gave me. You were right about everything.. _I'm_ the one that should be apologizing."

My father nodded slowly, his smile returning. "Well.. I still need to apologize for one thing," he looked back down at all the paperwork on Kai and back to the letter in my hand.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about all this sooner. I thought you had given up on Kai completely. I didn't see much point in telling you. I thought maybe it would just distract your work towards becoming CEO. You've worked so hard, son."

"Heh. Yeah. And all for nothing now.." I trailed off, the guilt coming back in an instant.

"I don't blame you, son. Really."

He smiled wider at me now. He looked more like my actual father then than at any other time in my life. Not a businessman too busy for me.

"I should have said no to your grandfather when he offered it to me. I've told you that. I've always loved cars. But sometimes making a career out of your passion can just make you hate it. Especially with a board of directors who just care about the value of the dollar."

He stood up from behind his desk and came around to me, he gripped my upper arm and I was pulled into a tight hug. I blinked and confusedly kinda returned it.

"I.. _really_ am proud of you, Beomgyu. And I don't mean about you climbing the company ladder so fast. But.." he pulled back and placed his hands on my shoulders, looking me directly in the eyes.

"But for having the courage to leave it all behind and pursue what _really_ makes you happy."

The guilt floated away now and fresh tears gathered again.

"Money is dispensable. It's fucking _printable_ for Christ's sake," he laughed and settled his smile down, a few of his own tears now departing from his eyes.

"But what you've found, Beomgyu, in Kai, in that place.. it's _priceless_."

I joined my father in tears now and hung my head into his suit jacket, feeling his hands pat at my back.

He was right. I wouldn't trade Kai for anything. Not for money. Not for status. Not for any other bright and shining existence I could _buy_. Love is non-transactional. It's untouchable.

My father slowly pulled back from me, sitting on the edge of his desk and he glanced over the letter again.

"So.. when are you moving out then?"

"Immediately," I laughed in response, wiping some of the tears away with the back of my hand.

"Geez.. you're really _that_ sick of me? Or is it my taste in music you can't wait to get away from?" he grinned teasingly.

I smiled at him "Nah... Air Supply isn't all that bad. I think I kinda like your taste in music now."

"I'll only believe that when I see some ABBA in your music library!" he laughed and sang a few lines of 'Dancing Queen' at me just for good measure.

"Heh. Dick," I grinned and looked back down at the letter thoughtfully.

"Do.. you mind if I take this with me? I think maybe Kai would like to read it."

My father nodded slowly. "Sure."

I tucked the pages back into the envelope and put it inside my pants pocket.

I looked around his office slowly "What will you do about the CEO position then?"

"Well.. your aunt is actually looking for a new business venture. This could be up her alley with a few years training in the automotive industry. If I ask her _very,_ ** _very_** nicely."

"A woman could probably run this place better than any man could, anyway.." I smiled, although with a small amount of guilt. I recalled how diligent Angela was with getting my advertising for Kai done over a year ago. I hoped she was doing alright, wherever she was.

"Yeah, you're probably right!" my father agreed and he finally stood up, pulling his tie out and hanging it over his shoulders.

"Let's blow this shit hole for the day and go home. Did you want to stay one last night for dinner? Your mother will want to hear about everything."

I smiled, nodding in agreeance. "Sure."

We made our way out of the office and down the elevator into the lobby.

"And where are you two off to?" I heard Oscar's voice from behind me. My father grinned and just continued off to his car but I stood there for a moment and thought about a reply.

"I'm going home," I smiled at him and with how perceptive that man had always been with me from day one, I saw the understanding in his eyes and smile as he nodded at me.

"It was nice working with you, Beomgyu."

"Thanks for everything," I smiled with a nod and turned to follow my father. I decided to go home with him in his car and collect mine the following morning.

I sat in the passenger seat as he fired up the engine. I looked at the display screen in the middle of the dash and pressed my finger into the Bluetooth button connected to my father's phone.

"Play Air Supply," I said to it and my father laughed at my side.

The same favourite song of his started up and 3rd time's a charm, I finally enjoyed it. It didn't annoy me. It didn't upset me. Music was my friend.

We went home. I ordered the housemaids to piss off and do something else and I made dinner with my parents. I told my mother everything as we ate and she sat there like the icon of a busy computer cursor; thinking and processing with her mouth hanging wide open. She eventually burst out into tears and hugged every last ounce of breath out of me. She wanted to meet Kai. _Desperately._ My father did too- again.

I went up to my bedroom for the night and lay back on my bed. I brought out my phone and went to send Kai a message and yet again, I found the unsent one of _'I miss you'_ staring at me from my draft messages to his number.

I smiled brightly at it. I finally pressed the send button after a whole year and was sent a reply a few minutes later.

"Beomgyu?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'll be back tomorrow. Staying one last night with my parents. Is that okay?" I replied.

"Of course! And I miss you too. So does Toto!" I received back and looked at the photo he attached of Toto sitting on his perch on the wooden kitchen shelves. I smiled warmly at it and began typing a response.

"I love you both so much. I'll see you tomorrow, okay, baby?"

"Okay! We love you too >3<"

His little emoticon made me thoughtful and I went to edit his contact name. I took out _'Your Favourite Neighbour >3<'_ and briefly replaced it with _'Kai Kamal Huening'_ instead. But the more I looked at it the more it just seemed... too much. I deleted his middle and surname until it was just _'Kai'_.

I smiled as I looked at it and thought about my old previous opinion about how I once thought he had such a small name for such a huge pain in the ass. I giggled to myself.

No. Such a small name for.. such an immense love in my heart.


	27. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how long I've been waiting to write this part of the plot. No idea. This is a lengthy chapter. Strap yourselves in and most importantly- enjoy! ^^

I had to admit. I really needed a bigger car.

Trying to fit all my belongings into it was almost like playing Tetris. There was barely enough room for _me_ in it after I was done.

I watched as my mother and father waved goodbye to me in the driveway, tears in their eyes that they were trying not to let fall, but, like myself, failed as I drove away.

It didn't _really_ feel like goodbye. I knew I would see them again soon. Especially with how my mother was basically tugging the sleeve off my shirt entirely to be invited over for dinner to meet Kai.

I wanted to say goodbye to Soobin and Yeonjun, but again, it wasn't a farewell either. I would invite them over too, eventually. But at the time, I just wanted Kai all to myself for a while. Although I _did_ have to share him with Toto too, of course.

I pulled up his driveway- _our_ driveway and made my way inside.

"I'm home!" I yelled out, but couldn't hear Kai reply from anywhere inside. Maybe he was in his conservatory.

I wandered out to it through the kitchen door but he wasn't in there either. I made my way outside to his garden and eventually saw him pulling some weeds out between his flowers.

"Hey, baby," I smiled at him from behind as I approached him slowly. He turned to me and just made the blinding hot weather shine even brighter with the smile I was greeted with.

He dropped his weeds and dusted his hands off as he walked to meet me halfway and I was pulled into him closely.

"Welcome home, button," I heard him smile next to my ear and the warmth in his words seeped into my soul, all the way through my body and out through my feet into the grass beneath me; claiming me entirely.

"How did everything with your dad go?" Kai asked as he pulled back.

My mind jumped into my back pocket where I had his grandmother's letter.

"It went well. Come inside, though. I have something to show you."

He followed behind me curiously and I stopped inside his conservatory. I pulled the letter out slowly and sat down on the edge of one of his tables, holding it out to him. He took it from me and I saw his eyes move knowingly over the handwritten _'My Dearest Love'_ written on the front of it.

"This is-" he stopped and pulled the pages out, leaning against the table with me to read them.

I kept close to him as I watched his eyes move back and forth across the lines. My arm wrapped around his waist from the side as I saw his eyes become increasingly watery the further he progressed through the words. But they widened when he got to the bottom paragraph and almost dropped the letter completely as he looked back outside through the windows to his garden.

His mind looked so very far away suddenly and tears were starting to fall now.

"What's wrong, Kai?"

But he didn't reply as he ran back out the conservatory door to the garden and I followed, worried for him.

He stopped in the middle of the flowers, looking around himself slowly until his eyes dropped back down to the letter.

"Kai?" I asked softly as I chased up behind him. He was shaking his head at the ground, trying to smile but for some reason, he found it quite impossible.

I walked around to face him and cupped his cheeks, making him look back up at me from the ground. "Baby?" My palms were covered with his tears now. "Tell me.." I gently urged him.

His breaths were shaky as he looked around the garden once more and quickly read the bottom paragraph of the letter again before lifting his eyes back up to me.

".. Not long before you arrived here with your dad, my grandmother told me to dig out her old garden."

I blinked at him, confused. "Why?"

"She-.. she told me she wanted a new, very specific garden planted for her. She gave me a list of plants and a small hand-drawn plan of how she wanted it to look.." he sniffled and looked around the flowers more, departing from me to tenderly draw his fingertips over some of the blooms.

"She said the garden would remind her of a time she had a picnic in her younger years. Her 'favourite memory'.." his voice broke during his last few words.

I slowly approached him again and took the letter from his hands, reading over the last paragraph and saw what Maya said about her picnic with my grandfather. I could have almost joined Kai in his tears.

"She.. she wanted me to recreate the garden she was in with your grandfather.. The day he said he loved her.." Kai swallowed down his tears and I could tell he was grief-stricken.

I pulled him into me tightly as the letter fell from my hands and felt him break down in my arms. But I just held him unquestioningly.

"I-.. she.. she died before she could see it. She was too sick to get out of bed. I had no idea the memory of these flowers were... the day she talked about in the letter with your grandfather.. I-.. I really didn't know she had still been in love with him all this time."

He was shaking in my arms now and I just held him tighter. "It's okay, baby," I tried to tell him, but damn it, my own tears were falling with his and he was soon dropping to his knees before me upon the grass.

I knelt down in front of him and stroked his hair lovingly as he was consumed by his grief. I bowed my head down and gently kissed the top of his. "It's alright, Kai."

I peeked up and around myself at the flowers. I had never felt more guilty for having ripped them out of my garden the day I found out about Maya. Or how Kai had _given_ me half of them just to try to make me stay.

But they weren't just flowers. It wasn't just a garden. It was a memory. A moment in time that Maya wanted to freeze. A love far older than either of us. A love that had.. Unknowingly.. Brought Kai and I together through 40 years of compiled circumstances between our families. The very roots of our own love lay within this garden.

"Kai.." I whispered out to him, making him sit up and look at me. "Listen to me."

I cupped his face in my palms again and I stared deeply into his eyes.

"Maya's dying wish was for you to be set free. For you to be happy. For you to.. be with me. For us to love each other. She may not have written that specifically, but you can tell that's what she meant, right?" I looked at Kai intently and he slowly started nodding.

"She may not have been able to see the memory you worked so hard to recreate for her before she died. But.. we made our _own_ memories of love within it. Remember? The day of _our_ picnic. The day you kissed me and gave life to my heart," I smiled at him and he sniffled at me, tears departing from his chin to hit the top of my legs.

"You're right. Life _does_ go on. But so does _love_ , Kai. _Their_ memories of love live on in _us_."

Kai blinked at me now, his tears seeming to come to a halt as he examined my face, finding the truth in my words.

"Let's live. Let's _love_. In their memory."

Kai sat up straighter and scooped me into his arms and I was enveloped by him and his realization in my words.

"I promise I will," he whispered to me and perhaps... to them too.

I closed my eyes as we held each other and just listened. I could hear the birds, the bees, the slightest of breezes rustle through the flowers that surrounded us. The air was still so pure and clean. And Kai's heartbeat against my chest.

I promise too, Kai. Maya. Grandad. This garden. All of our love. All of our memories. I won't _ever_ let them die.

**~**

**1 month later**

Fuck, I was happy.

What's a better word for happy?

Cheerful? Delighted? _Euphoric?_

Just all the words in the dictionary that could describe someone feeling whatever the fuck I was that afternoon.

A whole month had passed since I moved in with Kai. Summer was in full swing now being the first week of July. Our combined garden was absolutely bursting at the seams with life. I helped Kai tend to it every single day, now that I knew what it truly meant to both of us.

Kai still had his pottery business going. I arranged another advertisement for him to be put up in the shopping centre since the previous one had long expired. Although most of his customers were regulars, spread via word of mouth, as I had once presumed his customer base would end up looking like.

But I soon began to feel a bit guilty. I no longer had a job. I didn't regret leaving it for Kai, but I wasn't contributing much. And I had spent the past few weeks thinking heavily on it.

I had since invited both my parents plus Soobin and Yeonjun over one evening for dinner. Needless to say, they _adored_ Kai. All of them. Especially my mother and Soobin.

I was almost worried I would need to actually _fight_ Soobin for the way he gushed over him and kept clinging to him, but I could tell it wasn't anything romantic. He didn't have a little brother. But I think he finally found a very precious one in Kai. The same goes for Yeonjun too, actually. Kai was their giant baby. It was obvious, Kai was just impossible to hate. I can't believe I used to. Heh. What the hell was wrong with me?

Kai had invited Taehyun over that same evening, but unfortunately, he was too busy at the hospital. I was in two minds about it. I.. _did_ want to make the effort to get to know Kai's best friend. But **_only_** if he wasn't going to tell me I looked like the walking dead again. Little blonde shit.

Kai and I stood out in our garden, I was picking apples from his tree that was previously pinned to the fence and he was watering some of the peonies to my left with a hose.

I had finally filled the basket up with the fruit before I almost jumped out of my skin with the feel of water coming at me full fucking blast directly against the side of my head.

I dropped the basket and slowly turned to my left, water dripping from my hair to see Kai fighting off giggling, keeping his gaze away from me and returned to watering his flowers as if it didn't just _fucking happen_.

"You.." I started walking slowly towards him, my hands balling up into fists at my sides.

He breathed out a laugh and briefly looked at me.

"Oh, what happened, button?! It's not raining! How'd you get wet?!"

The ** _absolute_** nerve of this ** _fucker_** **.**

I kept walking towards him, reaching for the shovel that was impaled into the edge of the garden border and pulled it out as I passed it.

"I'm gonna kill your ass."

Kai began slowly backing up away from me, grinning like an idiot at me now.

"I am gonna dig a motherfucking hole and put you in it," I glared at him as I kept approaching him slowly.

He responded by just aiming the hose at me and got me even _more_ drenched. Water didn't leave an inch of me untouched now.

I breathed deeply, feeling my face go red from the sheer anger and his laughter echoed around us like a billion fucking dolphins at Sea World.

"You're still _so_ cute when you're angry!" he giggled and kept backing up.

"Nah, that's it. You're fucking dead."

I dropped the shovel and raced after him in the yard as he ran away from me now. We were both relatively fast, but he kept dodging my hands grasping for his shirt. I had to bring myself to a sharp halt before I could run headfirst into a rose bush.

I turned around to him behind me and he sprayed yet more water at me and I couldn't help but laugh at his relentlessness to work me up as much as possible.

"You really wanna die that badly, huh?" I smirked at him and looked down at the length of the hose that was near my feet now.

I snatched it quickly and pulled the entire thing out of his hands, hauling the end of it up to me. I aimed it at him, he tried to run, but I predicted his movements and sprayed the water directly in his path, getting my own back at him.

He squealed and I just walked around calmly, not letting my finger off the hose trigger as I doused him.

"Are you done teasing me now?" I smirked at him and let the water stop for a moment.

He flicked his wet hair out of his eyes and just grinned at me. "Where's the fun in that?"

I arched an eyebrow at him, dropping the hose and just sprinted at him and I think perhaps he just _let_ me catch him.

I tackled him into the grass and I pinned his wrists down beside his head, chuckling at him as I sat on his hips to keep him down.

"Are you going to apologize?"

"Hehe... no. It was worth it," he smiled a little too innocently at me. Heh. Maybe I had been wrong about him. You're no fucking angel, Kai.

I shook my head at him with a small sigh and smile. "You're terrible," and I leaned down to kiss him softly, releasing his wrists.

His arms coiled around me and held me to him while I moved some of the wet strands of hair away from his forehead and offered him an endearing smile. He realized I was staring at him and questioned me.

"What is it?"

"You're a god damned pain in the ass, but I love you," I grinned.

He laughed softly, the sunlight above us dancing in his eyes and I swore to every god I knew, I really couldn't have loved him more even though, as I just told him, he _was_ still a pain in the ass. Teasing me was just his love language though and I could finally understand it.

I lay my head down upon his chest and cast my gaze back across the garden. I became thoughtful as I looked at the flowers and the basket of apples that lay in the distance and felt an idea slowly come to life.

"Kai.."

"Mmm?" I felt his humming vibrate in my ear.

"Have you ever thought about.. selling the food you grow?"

I lifted my head to look up at him and he was looking down at me. "Selling it..?"

I sat back on his hips again and looked back out across the garden. I pushed myself up and walked past a few shrubs to the back fence where his climbing roses were.

"The open field behind this fence. Who owns the land?"

Kai picked himself up off the grass and curiously made his way over to me.

"It belonged to my grandmother. But it's mine now."

I pressed my hand against the fence as I thought more.

"It's a lot of empty space, Kai.. Have you ever thought about growing an orchard?"

Kai was beside me now, looking equally as thoughtful as I was.

"An orchard.. of fruit trees?"

"Yeah! And not just fruit trees, but vegetables and perennial flowers! Stuff that comes around every spring and summer!" I turned to face him more directly, becoming excited the more I spoke.

"And every year at the same time we could sell the harvest! We could have our own business!"

I saw Kai's mind tick over and a smile slowly crept its way along his face as he turned to me.

"I mean... I guess so... but running an orchard is a huge job, Beomgyu, once it's in full swing. We'd need field workers."

"You think I don't know that? I was almost the CEO of a company, remember.." I grinned at him. "The start-up would be slow and strenuous, but after a few years, we could hire people and I could rent my old house out to them to keep them close!"

Damn it, this _needed_ to happen. I could even try to convince Soobin and Yeonjun to help.

Kai stepped closer to the fence where the roses hadn't touched it yet. He gripped the top of one of the panels of wood and planted his foot against the side of it. With a grunt and his ridiculous strength, he pulled the plank clean away and left a hole in the fence that looked out to the empty field that lay behind.

I watched as he stared out into the vast land, his eyelashes batting while deep in thought and his smile slowly began to change.

"I think.. this actually sounds like an excellent idea, Beomgyu.." he turned back to me and his smile brightened now.

"During spring and summer at dawn, the local shopping centre parking lot gets turned into a market. Locals sell their goods there. But there's never been a fruit and vegetable stall before.."

I grinned at him "So what are we waiting for then?"

"Winter," he replied simply.

"Wha? Winter?"

"The end of Winter is the best time to plant fruit trees. It's too late in the year to start now with planting anything."

I gave a small sigh and felt demoralized. I was still too impatient.

"But we can start in 8 months time! We'll make a plan for everything we want to grow. You can crunch some numbers for us on what to price everything for!" he smiled enthusiastically at me, not wanting my optimism to fade.

"Good things take time, button. You know that," he smiled knowingly at me with an arm wrapping its way around my waist. "Took you a whole year to tell me you loved me, remember?" he grinned.

I slouched against his side and just smiled. "Fine. You're right. We'll wait and plan it all out properly."

"In the meantime though.." my upper arm was gripped and I was being spun around on the spot and pinned into the fence as he stood over me, smiling. "How about you kiss me?"

I giggled softly at him, linking my fingers together through his hair above the back of his neck and pulled him down to kiss him slowly. He stepped closer to me, his palms moving down my sides to settle at my waist but the kiss was disrupted by the sound of chirping upon the fence at my back.

We looked up to see Toto sitting there, staring at us curiously with a few flutters of his wings.

Kai giggled at him "I think he wants us to get back to work."

I turned back to Kai and just pulled him closer "Not happening," and I kissed him again deeper under the heat of the sun as the own heat between us rose higher.

Look away, Toto. I don't need you watching over _this_.

**~**

I knew I was dreaming. But it had been a while since I had a dream of _this_ kind.

I stood alone in the middle of a bare room. Green shoots were growing out of my shoulder yet again, but it wasn't painful this time.

My eyes followed the shoots coming from my shoulder and noticed they kept growing around me. Soon they were littered with lots of black flowers. Orchids. I knew them well enough now. There must have been hundreds of them hanging around me.

But in the middle of the display, there was one flower that wasn't open yet. It was still a bud. And it was.. white. It wasn't black like the others.

I reached up to it and it glowed suddenly as my hand touched it. I could have sworn I heard a noise come from inside of it.

"Beomgyu.." it said softly.

The voice was multi-layered. I heard.. Perhaps a woman's voice. And a man's. It sort of sounded like Kai's. But.. also my _own_.

"Beomgyu," it spoke to me again and I felt myself being rocked. Someone was trying to wake me up.

The little white flower bud was slowly opening and I felt compelled to stay within the dream to see the inside of it but my name was being called to me again.

"Beomgyu, are you okay?"

I woke up, sitting upright in bed and blinked. Kai was sitting up beside me, looking over me carefully.

"What's wrong, button? You were tossing and turning a lot.."

I was breathing heavily. I swallowed and slowly lay back down.

"I'm okay. Just a strange dream," I said as I blinked up at the ceiling.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kai asked at my side as he lay back down and lay his hand across my stomach.

I slowly shook my head and rolled over to my left to cuddle up against him.

"It's okay. Go back to sleep, baby," I calmed him and myself in the same instant.

But I wasn't really that calm. There was something so distantly familiar about the voice I heard speaking to me in my dream. I heard Kai's. I think my own. But the woman's...

Was it... Ange-

Hmm. No. Couldn't have been.

Go back to sleep, Beomgyu.

**~**

Mondays.

Mondays weren't really _that_ bad.

I no longer spent them inside an office. They were with Kai now.

It was early afternoon and we were seated on the couch, bits of paper sprawled out in front of us on the coffee table. We had begun planning how to approach planting the orchard and I was busying myself working out some numbers for the business.

My phone began ringing on the table. I glanced at it quickly. I didn't really want to be disrupted, but I saw it was my father calling me so I decided to answer it.

"Hey, dad. What's up?" I asked happily enough.

".. Hey son.." his voice was deep, quiet and.. _odd._

"What's wrong?" I asked as I sat up a bit straighter, dropping my pen to the table.

"I.. just got back from the hospital. I've got some sad news to pass onto you."

God... please don't tell me _you're_ dying too now, dad.

"What is it?" I asked as I sat up even straighter, Kai noticed my shift and laid his eyes upon me now.

"It's Angela," he replied and paused. I held my breath as I waited for him to continue.

"She was in a car crash a few days ago. She.. didn't survive it, son."

I drew in a breath so sharp it hurt.

"I-... Jesus.." was all I could manage, my own voice now deep, quiet and... _odd_.

My blood began rushing and I felt light-headed. My heart felt scratched. Like the small claw marks of a cat.

"The police called me to get me down to the hospital to identify her body. Apparently, she has no family to collect her or arrange a funeral.." my father sighed deeply.

"O-.. okay..." I trailed off, still unsure of how I was truly feeling about it all. Guilt and grief were slowly making their appearance now though. Kai shifted closer to me as he became curious about the conversation and placed a hand upon my shoulder.

"I've taken it upon myself to arrange a wake for her. She hadn't worked anywhere else since she left. She was well known around here, as you know. It.. feels like the right thing to do for her. Don't you agree, son?"

My mouth was dry now as my mouth was just hanging open. I swallowed harshly and croaked out a reply.

"Y-yeah.. It- it is.."

My father sighed deeply again through the line and his voice just dropped even further.

"But.. there's something even sadder about all of this too.."

I just shook my head. What on earth could be sadder than her death, alone?

"What?" I whispered.

My father was quiet for a moment before I heard him draw in a breath of air.

"She was pregnant."

...

.. I could feel my teeth begin to chatter in my skull as I began involuntarily shaking. Everything in front of me blurred into a mess of colour. I could barely hear anything as my blood began pulsing in my ears.

My mind began racing, speeding past many thoughts and long months since Angela and I had-

"The child survived. Only barely though. It had to be delivered via c-section."

I shot up like a bullet from the couch. My legs became solid lead and I could feel my heartbeat within every last vein now.

"Beomgyu?" I heard Kai whisper out to me from my side.

I began sweating. My father was talking to me but I spoke over him.

"D-dad can you.. can you hold for a minute," my shaking thumb pressed the Hold button on the phone call and I switched out of the call to bring up the calendar on my phone.

God...

**_God...._ **

How long had it been...

Since we...

Shit.

 ** _Shit_**.

It can't be. It **_can't_** be.

My mind just wouldn't **_work_**.

I stared at the calendar on my phone, flicking back through the months.

Think, Beomgyu. For _**Christ**_ sake, **_think_**.

"Are you okay, Beomgyu?" Kai asked me and I had to walk away from him into the kitchen. "Just... just give a minute, Kai. Please."

I left the company a month ago. Angela left the company not long after our night together.. 8 months before I left. So that means it's been-

9.

9 months.

Is that.. How long women are pregnant for?

I didn't fucking know.

I didn't pay any fucking attention to my health studies classes while in high school.

I turned my attention back to Kai.

 _He_ had though.

"Kai. Quickly. Tell me how long women are pregnant for."

He blinked at me, confused but licked his lips and eventually replied "Usually around 9 months."

My phone dropped out of my hand and bounced at my feet upon the floorboards of the kitchen. I felt a cold sweat suddenly drench me.

Kai stood up from the couch now, slowly approaching. "Beomgyu.. what is it?"

I shook my head at him slowly. My legs felt like giving out now. And they did as I collapsed to my knees, looking down at my phone where I still had my father on hold.

Kai was getting closer and I couldn't bear it. I forced myself to snatch the phone from the floor and I sprinted out into the conservatory. I put my father back on the line.

"Dad?" I asked quickly.

"What's wrong, son?"

"I-.. just tell me. W-where is the... the baby?"

"It's still at the hospital, recovering. Probably in the maternity ward."

I swallowed hard and Kai was opening the conservatory door now. He looked deeply worried for me.

I walked away from him again, going outside into the garden.

"The hospital. It's the one in the city centre, yeah?" I asked my father quickly.

".. Yeah... What's.. _wrong_ , son? Why are you so interested in-"

I hung up on him and shoved my phone into my back pocket. Kai was outside now and it felt so fucking _**wrong**_ to just push my way past him back into the house.

"Beomgyu, please.." Kai pleaded from behind me.

Oh, Kai. **_Please_** , baby. I- I need to do this alone.

I reached the kitchen and grabbed my car keys. I heard Kai run back inside from behind me.

"Beomgyu. Tell me what's going on," his voice deepened now, almost slightly.. demandingly.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, slowly turning back around to look at him.

"I-.." I had to drop my eyes from his. He looked slightly hurt from my secretiveness.

"There's something I need to go take care of," the words I spoke to him hurt me. They reminded me of all the times Kai had to suddenly take off to take care of his grandmother in secret and the frustrations I felt because of it.

"I'm sorry, Kai. I'll be back as soon as I can. I just need to.. check something."

I tentatively looked back up at him. "Please, Kai. Just trust me."

 _Trust_ me? .. How _could_ he now? If the child ended up being mi-

"Okay, Beomgyu," he offered me a small smile and stepped closer to me, drawing me in close to hold me.

I couldn't even return it and gently pushed my way out of his arms to the front door and out to my car.

The journey out to the city was neither this nor that. I didn't speed. I didn't go slow. I went the actual limit; flatlining unlike my thoughts that circled my head so fast, they almost spun out of orbit into space entirely.

I reached the hospital. I went in through the main entrance and looked up at a sign with the varying wards. Was it the maternity ward my father said the baby wa-

I sighed as various hospital staff and patients walked past me. I fucking hated the smell of the place. So clinical and... clean. But not the cleanliness I could smell in the outskirts. It was chemical. Slightly.. toxic.

I slowly began following my way to the maternity ward, multitudes of rooms on either side of the long, wide hallway. There was a front desk in the ward, but.. how the _fuck_ could I even ask about something like this?

_'Yeah, hi, I think I might be a dad. Mind if I check all the babies here real quick to make sure?'_

Tch...

Fuck.

**_Fuck._ **

I avoided the desk with a few nurses sitting behind it, pretending I knew where I was going when in fact I _really_ fucking didn't.

I eventually came to a large room with long, wide windows. There were several small... beds? Although they looked more like plastic pods. Like see-through butter boxes you keep in your fridge. There were.. babies inside of them.

I looked at the sign upon the door.

_'Rm 17. Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU)'_

The fuck does that mean? Intensive care? Were these babies..

My eyes widened as I recalled my father had said the child had only barely survived the car crash.

Maybe...

Maybe it was..

I reached for the door handle and heard a voice speak at me firmly from behind.

"Excuse me, sir! You can't go in there without a nurse. Are you a parent?"

... I don't fucking know, **_am I?!_**

"I-.. I just.."

The woman approached me faster and stood between me and the door now. "Sir, please go to the maternity ward desk and ask for supervision if you need to go in here. I can't let you in alone."

I swallowed hard and backed up slowly. "O-okay.." I said as I fell back from the door further. The nurse seemed to be in a rush though. She kept her firm blue eyes on me for a moment longer before strutting past me.

I didn't _want_ to go to the front desk for help. I don't know _why_. The mere _idea_ of me potentially being a father was just... so fucking impossible.

This just... this can't be real. Someone tell me I'm just dreaming.

I could have just left. The old me would have. Probably. But I wasn't that man anymore. What would Kai _think_ of me right now if I were to just turn around and leave? Not when there was a very high possibility of..

I slowly stepped closer to the windows again, looking inside at all the little lives. They were so small. So.. helpless looking. It made me think of how Kai had been left abandoned on Maya's doorstep as a baby.

 ** _No._** I couldn't just leave. I **_had_** to know.

I saw a reflection pass behind me in the window and my eyes widened at the familiar.. blonde hair.

I spun around and saw a man dressed in a long white doctor's coat. I reached out to grab his wrist and he whipped his head around to look at me. I was met with those two, large brown eyes staring questioningly at me and both our jaws dropped in the same instant.

"... Beomgyu.." he said.

"T-Taehyun.." I blinked at him and my thoughts finally collected inside my head enough for me to solidify some kind of resolve.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

I looked back inside the room through the windows for a moment before turning back to the blonde. I gripped his arms and pulled him slightly closer, burning a determined gaze into his.

"I need your help."


	28. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Taehyun backstory and Taehyun being... Taehyun. I had to do some medical research for this chapter and although it kinda hurt my brain, I've tried to write the scenes in a way which are still graspable to the reader. Place your bets. Is Beomgyu a father or not?! Hehe.. Enjoy ^^

The fair-haired doctor blinked at me, slowly drawing his eyes to the room at my right and then back to me as I saw his mind try to piece together what the scenario could be.

"What exactly do you need my help with?" he asked as he pulled his arms out of my grasp, his voice quieting down to avoid being overheard from any of the other staff.

Fuck, I needed water. My throat felt like sand.

I saw a water dispenser behind Taehyun and quickly walked over to it to pour myself some water into one of the plastic cups, although some of the water just ended up on the floor with how hard my hands were shaking. I heard his footsteps approach me from behind as I downed the entire cup in about 5 seconds.

"Does Kai know you're here?" he asked.

I threw the cup into the trash can sitting at the side and turned back around to Taehyun, just trying to fucking _breathe_.

"He.. No."

The size of Taehyun's eyes lessened at me as he briefly looked back over his shoulder to the room I needed access to. "And.." he turned back around to me ".. _Why_ exactly are you in the maternity ward of all places?"

I swallowed, feeling my tonsils almost grind against each other.

"There's.. a good chance one of those babies in there.. could be mine.."

The blonde flicked his eyes back and forth between mine, searching and analyzing me as he began to frown at me now.

God, he still pissed me off. But I had to look past it.

"Look, I _know_ we got off to a rough start with each other, but instead of just looking at me like a _dick_ , can you help me?... Please?"

I had just put all my pride aside for him. Almost. He could see the way I was begging him but it wasn't enough for me to see a shift in him.

"If you don't want to do it for me, then at least do it for Kai," I pleaded and I saw his gaze widen at me as I think I _might_ have broken through to him.

"I can help you tonight after my shift-"

"No."

He blinked at me as I cut him off.

"Look, you don't understand. I just up and _left_ Kai to come here. He's waiting for me. Alone and confused. So I need to know. **_Now_** **.** "

He shifted his weight upon his shiny, black leather shoes and looked me up and down for a moment before giving a soft sigh. He brought out his cell phone from his pocket and speed-dialled someone.

"Hi. Cover my shift for the next 3 hours. Something's come up."

I breathed a small sigh of relief as he listened to the reply through the earpiece.

"Get someone else to do that. There's enough of you there. Just handle it," and he hung up, sliding his phone back into his pocket.

"Wait here. _Quietly_ ," he said simply as he walked past me. I watched him walk back to the maternity ward desk to talk to the nurses and he came back with a small white and blue badge, handing it to me.

It had the acronym _VIV_ written on it.

"What's a VIV?" I asked as I attached it to the front of my t-shirt.

"Very Important Visitor. Keep that on until you leave," Taehyun whispered deeply as he walked past me to the door of the room behind us.

I followed but noticed he wasn't opening it quite yet. He turned back to me to give me something of a stern look.

"I won't ask any judgemental questions in regards to your.. current set of circumstances. But I won't have you lie to Kai about them."

I nodded slowly.

"I'm doing this for him. He loves you, as you know. And I _will_ make sure you relay all details to him and nothing less. Do I have your word, Beomgyu?"

I nodded again, faster this time. He was taking this very seriously. As was I, though.

"Say it," he demanded.

"I-.. Yes. You have my word."

He gave me one last firm glance and pulled down a pair of disposable plastic gloves and a face mask from some wall dispensers stuck to the wall beside the door and handed them to me.

"Put these on. There are some incredibly vulnerable lives in here."

I did as he asked as he did the same and I looked back into the room once more. Some of the babies were hooked up to IV drips and machines. God.. what kind of state was-

He finally opened the door and let me go in first. The room was very warm. It almost felt like the inside of Kai's conservatory or his greenhouse, but not as humid.

"Do you know the name of the mother of the child in question?" Taehyun asked as he stood to the side in front of a table, looking over some paperwork. There were lists of names that he was looking through.

"I.. I don't know her surname, but her first name was Angela."

Taehyun blinked and brought those large eyes up to mine slowly above his own face mask. "Angela.." his eyes flicked around in front of him in small patterns. I could see his brain working hard.

"Not the same Angela who was brought in from a car crash a few days ago?" he questioned me and his eyes were almost shaking at me now.

".. Yeah.. that's her.."

His eyes wandered away from me and blinked once before looking across the room behind him and all the small plastic pods. He slowly started shaking his head now and I could have sworn I heard him breathe out a small laugh behind his mask.

"What is it?"

"You're _positive_ you _might_ be the father, Beomgyu?"

I thought about it some more. Yes. I _was_ positive I _might_ be.

"Yes."

I could tell he was about to say something but he cut himself short as he now walked across the room in between the little beds. He finally stopped in front of one of them, looking down at the child that lay there.

"Come here."

I took in a breath so deep and slow that it almost made me dizzy. The face mask was very stuffy now. I walked over to stand beside Taehyun and looked down at the baby wrapped up in a white blanket.

I could only see it's sleeping face. So round and.. chubby. It had dark eyebrows and a little button nose. My heart began hammering the longer I stared at it and Taehyun was picking up the file sheets hanging from the edge of the pod.

"Is it.. a boy or a girl?" I asked quietly.

Taehyun's eyes smiled softly as he looked at the paperwork. "A girl."

My heart beated even faster and I had to look away from her face down to the overly clean floor tiles underneath my feet. I felt.. terrified and.. so, so..

Alone?

"It looks like you came here just in time, Beomgyu. Her file shows she was about to be discharged to a baby's orphanage tomorrow. It didn't take her long to recover from the traumatic birth she had."

I just kept staring at the ground and Taehyun walked off to the side for a few moments before returning, now holding a small cotton swab.

I watched as he unlocked and lifted up a small hatch from the top of the plastic covering, big enough to fit both his arms inside. He gently gripped the edges of the baby's mouth and opened it, sliding the cotton swab inside and rubbed it against the inside of her cheek for a few moments before pulling back.

The baby didn't seem particularly impressed and frowned from the intrusion.

"Sorry, little one. I know that must have been uncomfortable," Taehyun whispered to her.

I had to turn around and look away completely. The sound of Taehyun calling her 'little one' just made me... upset.

I... I couldn't.. afford to get attached. Not when I still had no idea if she was mine. I felt terrible but I just couldn't help it.

I heard the hatch close behind me and a few more moments passed as Taehyun now stood beside me, the cotton swab was inside a sealed glass tube now.

"Hold this for me, please."

I tentatively took it from him and he turned back around to write some notes at the bottom of the file sheet.

"I've cancelled her being discharged for now. She will remain here until her test results are completed."

He carefully took the tube off me and began walking back towards the door. I followed but looked back over my shoulder at the child the further away from her I walked.

We exited the room, coming back out into the cooler temperature of the hallway. Taehyun discarded his face mask and gloves, throwing them into a trash can near the door. I followed suit and did the same and finally felt like I could somewhat breathe again.

"Follow me and keep close."

"A-alright.." I agreed and kept close to him as he led me down and out of the ward we were in entirely.

We entered an elevator and he punched at a button on the wall that would take us up to the 3rd floor. We didn't speak any further. My stomach turned as the elevator took us up, but not just because of the sudden shift in altitude. The cold sweat that ripped over me during my conversation with my father was back now.

We exited into another long and wide hallway. I looked up at a sign on the wall as we passed it.

_'Clinical Genetics Department'_

We stopped in front of a room with a window. Taehyun held me back a few feet from it.

"Wait here," he whispered and he looked into the window, letting out a small sigh as he looked in. "This won't do.." he said to himself.

He looked thoughtfully to the side of the door at the fire alarm that protruded from the wall.

"Guess there's no other choice then.." and he opened the small glass window of the fire alarm, pulling the white lever down.

My eyes widened and my ears wanted to fold into themselves as the fire alarm was tripped and the sharp, loud ringing of it echoed down the hallway.

Taehyun calmly stepped back and stood next to me against the wall. A moment later every single room down the hallway was emptied of the several dozen hospital workers that came running out and down to the stairs at the end.

"D-did.. Did you just.." I trailed off, beside myself with shock.

He waited until the people were out of sight before he once more, very calmly, just walked into the room with a quick flick of the fire alarm lever back up, putting a stop to the alarm. "Come in," he urged me.

I blinked and slowly followed him.

He stopped in the middle of the room and placed the glass tube into a holder and opened a drawer to pull out a small scalpel and looked at me.

I swallowed. Was he going to take my DNA sample via blood? Surely he didn't need to cut into me for it..

He looked back up above him to the fire alarm unit stuck to the ceiling.

"Come here," he ordered and I took a few nervous steps towards him, he held the scalpel out to me. I confusedly took it and he crouched down slightly, linking his fingers together and looked back up at me.

"Reach up and cut the small wire on the side of the fire alarm unit. I'll hold you."

This seemed... befuddling... but I stepped into his cupped hands and he slowly lifted me up to the alarm and I cut the wire he instructed me to. I jumped back down to the floor and handed him back the little sharp tool.

"Let me do the talking when the fire brigade comes. The lab workers won't be back for a while due to the emergency procedure," he said as he started putting on some more latex gloves and handed me a pair of them too.

I looked at him curiously as I put the gloves on. He was... quite clever. He _did_ have a big brain as he had once told me.

He took his long white coat off and replaced it with a different one that was hanging near the door coloured a deep, navy blue.

"Put one of these on too. And _don't_ touch anything."

I couldn't help but glare at him slightly. "Why'd you give me gloves just to tell me not to touch anything?"

"Because I _know_ how oblivious you can be," he raised an eyebrow at me with a smirk and walked off ahead of me.

Tch. Asshole. He may have had a big brain but it was full of _shit_. Why do you even like this guy, Kai?

I shrugged on one of the coats and almost drowned in it with how wide it was across me.

Taehyun walked off ahead of me and started some kind of procedure that included taking the cotton swab out of the tube and placing it into yet another tube filled with a clear liquid.

I slowly walked over and watched as he shook it about for a second before taking the swab out and throwing it into a large, oddly shaped trash can that was incredibly deep.

He then proceeded to pour the liquid from the tube into _another_ one and used a syringe to fill it up to the top with a solution and watched as the liquid changed from being clear to a sort of peach colour.

He placed it inside a tube holder and turned to me.

"Sit down," he nodded at a small stool behind me and I reluctantly obeyed.

He swapped his gloves out for another clean pair and opened up a cabinet above one of the benches and brought out another cotton swab. He walked over to me and looked down.

"Open up," he said simply.

I might have blushed. But only because of my memory of Kai in his greenhouse that day with his tomato.

I did as instructed and he took a sample from the inside of my cheek with the swab.

I just remained seated as I watched him complete the exact same procedure he had with the previous sample, not before changing his gloves _again_. God, this was painful already.

"How long is this going to take?" I asked as I was becoming increasingly impatient.

"A few hours, if I'm fast enough," he replied as he took the vialed samples over to another bench in the lab and slotted them into the top of what looked like some kind of computer printer on steroids.

A few hours... I guessed that was better than a few _days_.

Taehyun pressed some buttons on the machine then looked up at a screen above it, watching numbers flash by for several minutes and I slowly became more curious about him as I watched.

"So.. is this what you do here then? Check people's DNA?"

"I'm a clinical geneticist, yes."

I rolled my eyes slightly. Fine. Use your big fancy words then.

"Originally, I was just a basic medical physician with no specialist background. But within the past 12 months, I've finished my study to plunge deeper into the genetics side of things."

I sighed slightly, trying to put my annoyance for him aside. He was still Kai's best friend. Although I was _really_ failing to see why. I couldn't imagine these two getting along. They were so.. Different. But then again, Kai and I once were too.

"So you... like checking people's family history and shit then?"

He laughed at me now, although not in a patronizing way. "For lack of a better term, yes. And.. all because of him."

I blinked at him. Did he mean Kai?

"Kai and I have known each other since middle school. He lived with me for a while not long after I got my medical license," he said as he pressed a few more buttons upon the machine in front of him and lifted the samples out to take it over to something else now.

An electronic hand-type thing opened as he placed the tubes inside of it. It turned them upside down and inserted them inside another machine that was as tall as the ceiling.

"Kai told me about Maya not being his blood relative and it made me sad for him. So I.." he trailed off as his usually straight-forward looking eyes deepened.

"I decided to further my medical studies for his sake. I work in this department now to try to find traces of his real family."

My lips detached from each other at his words.

"You... you did all that just to.."

He turned back to me now, smiling softly. "Kai doesn't know that I'm doing it for him. I just told him it was a medical venture to broaden my skills."

He slowly approached me and leaned against the benchtop behind me.

"Several times a week, I take either swabs or blood samples from random patients to test. Hoping on the off-chance one of them might be related to Kai. Like a genetic sort of lottery."

I swallowed and just listened. I had no idea he was in this for such personal reasons.

"I've spent the past year trying to find someone that shares Kai's genetics. And I've always come up empty-handed... until.."

He paused and frowned slightly now.

"Until..?"

He just ignored me and went back to the machine the samples were in, pulling a lever and keying in some numbers into a touchpad.

".. Until I tested someone a few days ago. Parts of their genome matched Kai's. I haven't told him yet. I was going to after my shift."

"Wow.. that's... that's great!" I smiled now. Kai could finally be able to.. maybe.. make contact with them. He could finally meet someone of his own blood.

But Taehyun was giving me a very unreadable look all of a sudden. He didn't seem as excited about it as I was for some reason.

Suddenly we heard several rushed and heavy footsteps come up the hallway and Taehyun turned his attention to the door as it burst open.

2 firefighters stood within the doorway, looking almost terrified to see us there.

"What are you doing here? There was an alarm. Please vacate immediately," one of them stepped forward further towards us but Taehyun seemed incredibly unphased.

"An alarm? I'm afraid we didn't hear anything."

One of the firefighters lifted his gaze to the fire alarm upon the ceiling and saw the cut wire and sighed heavily.

"Fuck sake.. **_George!_** " he yelled out to someone in the hallway. "Bring me your kit, we've got a damaged wire."

I continued sitting there watching the scene and could barely believe how far ahead Taehyun had thought about this scenario. On the spot. Had Maya taught him a thing or two about being a criminal before she died?

Taehyun was taking the vials out of the machine and placed them into a small tray and slowly began taking his coat off before putting his white one back on. I removed my own one and he was walking out of the room now with the tubes in hand.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," he said politely as we made our way past the team of firefighters.

We got several feet away from them before I whispered to him.

"Your mind is a bit scary.."

"Scary?"

"How did you think up that scene back there?"

"Heh. I just needed to clear the room to avoid suspicion and speed up the process. I know a false alarm can be blamed on those fire alarm units if the wires are damaged."

Jesus Christ. Fine then. You _do_ have a big brain. Half full of shit, half full of useless information at a useful time.

We were now in front of a door with the words ' _Dr. Kang (Clin. Genet.)'_ written upon it. His office.

He pushed the door open and I walked in. He had a small lab table set up on one side of the room and a corner desk against the other.

He sat down behind his desk and put the tubes into a small machine hooked up to his computer which was already on and opened up some software that looked like it was analyzing the DNA. Maybe. Who was I to know?

I sat on a small chair next to his desk and looked over the top of it. Next to his computer sat a framed photo of himself and.. Kai. But it was an old photo. They looked very young. Probably only around 12-13 years old. Another photo sat beside it with 4 people in the shot. Taehyun, what I presumed was his mother and father and a slightly older female. Maybe a sister.

Taehyun noticed me looking at the photos and I looked at him offering me a small smile.

"I know you probably don't think much of me, Beomgyu. But my family means everything to me. Kai included. He's like a brother."

I slouched in my chair slightly and eventually just nodded at him.

"I think I understand that now.." I let out a small sigh before continuing "Thank you.. for doing this."

"Don't mention it. Literally. To anyone," he urged me. "If anyone here discovers I've helped you out instead of tending to my regular duties, it puts my job on the line."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, of course. It's fine."

"Sorry I couldn't make it over for dinner the other week. This place has been hectic," Taehyun said as his eyes looked over the numbers that flashed by on his screen in front of him.

I became deeply thoughtful as my few memories of seeing Taehyun in the past crept their way around my mind. I recalled the initial hurtful scene of him and Kai outside the front door, and the way his hand had drawn down Kai's arm... I was still.. curious about that..

"Can you just tell me... why you touched Kai's arm like that? The day we first met?"

Taehyun looked back at me, confused. He obviously didn't remember the scene as well as _I_ had. But then his eyebrows suddenly shot up as I think he recalled it.

"Oh. While we were in the doorway?"

I nodded simply.

"I was explaining to Kai what happens to your arm during a stroke. Maya was showing early signs of having one. I was trying to explain to him the symptoms."

He was.. explaining something medical to Kai? It really hadn't been..

Fuck sake. How was I to know that? You were such a nosey little shit, Beomgyu.

"How do you know about that? Were you spying on us?" Taehyun smirked at me now and my heart fluttered from embarrassment.

"I wasn't spying! I just.. happened to see you both at that exact point in time," I tried to lie smoothly but it was no use. Taehyun saw through me.

"Uh huh," he grinned and finally looked away from my flushed cheeks.

"You've never had anything to worry about, Beomgyu. Kai has always been all yours."

My fluttering heart sank all of a sudden as its wings were clipped. He had _always_ been mine? Even while I was away for a year? Unlike my mistake of sleeping with Angela which was now coming back to haunt me..

I sighed deeply and shuffled upon my chair as I looked back at his computer screen. "How much longer?"

"I know you're impatient, but science can't be rushed. If I cut corners, you'd end up with inaccurate results. And that's not what you're here for, is it?" Taehyun lectured me.

I fiddled about with my fingers and looked down at the white tiles of the floor. "No.." I replied quietly.

He stood up and headed towards the door. "Would you like a coffee?"

I hadn't had one since I moved in with Kai. My body felt a lot better for it. Way calmer like my mind had become. But.. maybe just having one, once every while, couldn't hurt.

"Sure.."

"How do you have it?"

"Black... like your heart," I smirked at him and he chuckled at me in response before leaving the room.

I heard him softly sing to himself as it echoed down the hallway. And much like Kai, he had quite a good singing voice to him.

Heh. Fine, blondie. You aren't _that_ bad. I suppose.

He returned a short while later with our coffees and he spoke a bit more about his past with Kai. It seemed like, in various parts of Taehyun's life, Kai was the only true friend he had that stuck by him. He told me he never really fitted into groups of friends very well because of his intricate and straight-forward thinking mind. People were just intimidated by him. But Kai had seen how much of a warm-hearted person he was underneath it all. Much like he had seen something in me that he encouraged to grow.

It became apparent during our conversations that took place over almost 2 hours that Kai could just truly see the roots of someone's soul. He knew that what he could see on the surface in plain view wasn't always necessarily the full display of someone's persona.

Even though I recently found out he was younger than me, the way Taehyun spoke about him and their friendship, Kai was wiser than me by years. Maya really had done God's work raising him into the angel he is.

Our conversations were disrupted with the sound of Taehyun's computer beeping at him and he put it to a stop with a small click of his mouse button.

"Looks like the scanning is done."

My heart was up in my throat again for the first time in a few hours. Talking with Taehyun had managed to calm me for a while but it all left now as I could feel my nerves shake within my body. It reminded me of how I felt when I was about to sign my contract at the company.

Could I handle this?

No.

But I had to.

You made this bed for yourself, Beomgyu. And now.. you _might_ just have to fucking lay in it, too.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of Taehyun as he closely looked over the multiple boxes filled with numbers inside of them. He had 3 of the windows up at once. He highlighted some parts, pressed more buttons then moved onto another row.

It was still taking some time though. I must have watched him do the same thing on different parts of his screen for a further 20 minutes before my impatience just couldn't sit still again.

"How mu-"

"Not much longer, Beomgyu. Just a few more minutes."

I tried to sigh silently but failed with how shaky it was with my heart thumping like it was. My mind shot back to home. Either way, I would have to explain everything to Kai, whether I was a father or not.

I knew he was forgiving... but was he _this_ forgiving?

Taehyun began selecting more sequences in the rows of numbers, only increasing in his speed and it made me more nervous. I had to stand up. I paced around his office behind him until his typing eventually slowed and he stopped.

I looked back at him and he was leaning quite far back in his chair as if to sit back and gain a larger picture of everything. Both in front of him.. and within his own head.

I circled back around to him and noticed he was looking at his photo of himself and Kai. He offered a small smile to it before turning back to me.

"Well, Beomgyu.." he said, his voice void of _all_ emotion, much like he sounded when I had first ever spoken to him.

My mouth was dry again as I waited for him to continue. I didn't even _know_ what kind of reply I wanted from him. I didn't know what I was hoping for. I just needed the information to be able to _begin_ to process _anything._

"Well done," he said simply.

.. What the fuck does that even _mean?_ Well do-

"The child shares your DNA."

My eyes widened for a split second and closed again as they filled with tears of... overwhelment. My body could have sunk straight through the floor tiles with how heavy I felt. My knees wanted to give out again. But before they could, Taehyun continued.

"And she shares Kai's too."


	29. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit of a deep chapter. There's a lot going on inside Beomgyu's head here. Firstly, I will give some warning to say that the first part of the chapter may be triggering to some readers. It was triggering for me to even write it. He has a panic attack. I've only had one, a few years ago. I was alone at the time and I thought I was dying. Sometimes there's little difference between one and a heart attack in terms of what your body feels.
> 
> References: 
> 
> Blue & Grey (BTS). Beomgyu is experiencing massive burnout from anxiety in the first half of this chapter. There are some small references to the song if you read into it enough.
> 
> Small +U references which might be obvious.
> 
> Ghost- Coheed and Cambria. This song featured in this chapter was written by an artist struggling to come to terms with the idea of fatherhood and the anxiety and concerns surrounding not being good enough for the child. God, please listen to it. It's one of the most introspective things I've ever heard.
> 
> More Blue Hour references towards the end, again, if you read into the scenes hard enough.
> 
> This chapter was tough to write. For lots of reasons that I'm too exhausted to elaborate on lol. Enjoy ^^

_Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum._

"Beomgyu?"

_Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum._

"Do you understand what I've just said?"

_Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum._

"Beomgyu, are you-"

**_Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum._ **

I couldn't hear Taehyun anymore.

My heartbeat was _everywhere_.

Glaringly apparent, rude and unwelcomed like a vacuum cleaner salesperson beating down my front door. I could hear every vein pulse until they deafened me from the inside out.

I was cold, even though the room was warm.

No comfort.

No solace.

My body was shaking to the point where my brain just wanted to come pouring out of every orifice of my head.

I couldn't see Kai's smile in my mind anymore. I couldn't sense anything about him. I felt _indefinitely_ alone.

Taehyun was saying something to me, but all I could hear was what sounded like a scuba diver had taken off his oxygen mask.

Deep, distorted vocal sounds warped around me as my surroundings began to swim and merge into a mixture of blue and grey.

The various test tubes upon the lab bench looked shattered to me, becoming the jaws of a shark circling and ready to snap me in half.

I.. didn't feel safe.

My heart was beating ** _too_** fast. To the point where it didn't feel normal.

Am I.. having a heart attack?

I'm too young to have one...

Aren't I..?

My throat was tight. Dry. Air had abandoned me, turning a cold shoulder and escaped me entirely as I couldn't catch it.

My chest.. it stung. Like someone had just shoved a dagger right through my heart.

"T-ta... taehy-"

He sat me down on a chair, bringing out something small and _bright_ and shone it directly into my eyes while holding my wrist with his thumb, presumably checking my pulse.

"Help me.. I think I-"

"Beomgyu, look at me."

I tried to. I really did. But I just felt like running.

"Do you feel a pain in your chest?"

"Y-yes," I whimpered out, now wanting to rip myself off the chair but Taehyun kept both his hands wrapped around my wrists, still feeling both pulses within my veins.

"Does it feel like a stabbing, stinging pain or is it more of a squeezing pressure?" he asked as he kept his voice calm.

"It... it stings.." I closed my eyes as they rolled back into my head.

God, someone just fucking **_save me_** **.**

"Beomgyu. I need you to look at me," he said calmly again. I reopened my eyes and there were 5 of him.

"You're having a panic attack and you're going to be alright."

Is he **_sure_**? I'm so positive I'm dyin-

"Look into my eyes, Beomgyu. Focus."

Which pair of them? There were still multitudes of him around me.

"Close your mouth. Take in a deep breath through your nose for 4 whole seconds and hold it for 2."

I tried to. I really did. But I _couldn't handle thi-_

"1. 2. 3.."

Taehyun began counting deeply, almost whispering in front of me and I tried to keep up with it, but everything was still racing. Time.. such a fucking painful thi-

"..4. Hold. 1. 2. And out. 1. 2. 3. 4. And again.. 1.."

He repeated the numbers to me over and over again. I did as he told me the best I could. My body was still shaking but my breaths were gradually beginning to come back to me.

It felt like he had counted to one fucking _million_ already before he finally stood up and walked over to a small water dispenser hidden in the corner. He poured me some water and brought it over to me.

"Drink. Slowly."

I took a small sip from the cup within my shuddering hands and Taehyun sat back down on his chair, pulling it closer to me to sit in front of me.

The room was packed full of silence.

Immeasurable.

Prolonged.

Unforgiving.

Torturous.

But in my head..

His words endlessly looped at ten thousand different octaves all at once; a symphony of crashing, thunderous reality.

_'The child shares your DNA. And she shares Kai's too.'_

.....

**_"... How..?"_ **

Taehyun knew what I meant and looked at his screen for a moment before turning back to me.

"Angela was the person I found Kai's DNA in."

My head shook itself without me even trying to, like a string was attached to each side, pulling back and forth by an unknown force as my thoughts bounced with the movement.

".. W-... were they... siblings..?"

"No. The genomes aren't that close to each other," he turned back around to reach across to his keyboard and tapped a few buttons.

"Looking at the DNA sequencing, it seems like they were second cousins. Their relation is distant, not immediate."

My hands began shaking a little less now, but I still felt cold. The sweat was seeping through my clothes, making it stick to me like frost against a windowpane.

But my mind was still working hard. _Too_ hard and it burnt out as a _horrendous_ question bubbled up and just overflowed straight out of my mouth before I could catch it.

"I'm not related to them too, am I?" The words sounded _every_ bit as preposterous leaving me as they did inside my head.

"Heh.. wouldn't _that_ be a plot twist.." Taehyun tried to joke at my stupidity.

"No, Beomgyu. There's zero relation between yourself and them."

I took another sip of water and sat it down on the edge of the desk, bowing my head into my hands, fingers pushing up through my sweat-drenched hair to let my forehead breathe.

"How does.. a second cousin type thing work?"

"It means both Angela and Kai had the same great grandparents."

".. Right.." I breathed out, trying to process everything before continuing "And.. what does that make Kai.. to the.. child?"

"A second cousin, once removed."

.. The fuck does that even _mean?_ Once _removed?_ Ugh..

"You know, I've _never_ come across a situation like this.." Taehyun trailed off curiously. I lifted my head back up to him.

"Huh?"

He was looking back at his screen, glancing over the sequences of numbers, letters and colours.

"Angela and Kai. They were both adopted. _Neither_ of them have _any_ trace of blood relations within the DNA database. Not even in the very slightest. It's... ridiculously rare, according to my old college professor."

I blinked away from him and tried to think about it, but I barely seemed capable of it.

"It's almost as if.. heh.." the blonde paused and looked back at his photo of himself and Kai ".. it's as if they both just fell out of the sky one day. Like a pair of Angels."

"You believe in Angels?" I asked quietly and not entirely seriously either.

"I don't know. But I know that science can't explain _everything._ "

I couldn't agree more with him. I had pondered, at several points in time, how Kai even existed in the first place. Mostly due to his soul. But it seemed like even when he was analyzed in a scientific nature, his existence _still_ didn't make any sense.

I let out something of an exasperated laugh with not much joy behind it. More of an acceptance that my life made no sense anymore.

"So I'm.. a father.." I whispered out loud, less to Taehyun and more to myself. The words sounded foreign though and I was deeply lost in translation.

"Indeed, you are," Taehyun replied simply and it was the period at the end of the other-worldly language I just uttered.

I sat back in my chair slowly, feeling my t-shirt stick to the back of it.

I didn't know if Taehyun had the answer. But he had the answer for _most_ things so far.

"What do I do?" I asked.

The question was as broad and multi-layered as the glaciers of the Antarctic; the impossibly tangible circumstances I found myself frozen within.

"Well.. firstly, you'll need to sign a birth registration for the child, claiming that you're her rightful father so she can be discharged..." but he paused and looked intently at me.

"You.. _do_ want her, don't you?"

".. I-.."

I sighed deeply with an overwhelming amount of shame.

The fact that I couldn't, with my entire heart, say 'yes' immediately was nothing short of _abysmal_. All my previous, terrible behaviour seemed like God's work in comparison to my confused silence.

Just lock me up within the 9th circle of Hell and throw away the fucking key.

"Can I.. go see her?" was the best I could manage.

"Sure," Taehyun picked himself up and we took a trip back downstairs to the maternity ward.

He let us back into the room where she was and I was barely able to breathe again behind the face mask. I slowly walked over to her bed and glanced down at her through the thick panel of plastic. She was still asleep.

Taehyun approached me from behind and stood to my side. "Would you like to hold her?"

My lungs filled with so much air that I could have floated away in the smallest of breezes.

".. Okay.." I whispered out.

He began unlocking the edges of the protective cover and lifted it off entirely to place to the side. He looked back up at me for a moment before he could pick her up.

"Have you ever held a newborn before?"

I shook my head. I hadn't held any child of _any_ age.

"Always make sure to keep their head supported. Their neck muscles aren't strong enough to hold it up yet. They're incapable of doing it safely and properly until they're around 6 months of age."

Taehyun cradled one hand behind her head which the top of it was still concealed from me with the blanket that was wrapped around her entirely, save for her face. She looked like a tiny and very _real_ Russian doll, made of my own flesh and blood instead of wood.

She was lifted up carefully and slowly within Taehyun's confident hands and was held against his chest.

"Always keep them close to your body. Not only is it safest, but at this age, they very much need the comfort provided by someone's body heat."

I nodded slowly and opened up my arms. Taehyun gently placed her into them and I made sure to support the back of her little head. God, she was small. Especially with the sight of my entire hand being big enough to almost wrap all the way around to her cheekbones that looked.. a little bit like mine.

I brought her in close to my chest and gazed at her.

My heart was doing.. _things._

It was warm. Beating fast, but no longer uncontrollably so anymore.

She was warm too. And very.. light.

"How much does she weigh?" I asked, genuinely curious.

Taehyun looked down at her file sheet.

"She was born at 5 and a half pounds. Or about 2.5 kilograms."

I gave her a gentle rock against myself to feel her weight. She felt just a little bit heavier than an average-sized acoustic guitar.

"Her weight is right on the cusp of being considered a low birth weight. But she's perfectly healthy. Birth weight can come down to genetics too."

I side-eyed the blonde up for a moment. "Are you calling me little?"

He snickered at me "No. You're taller than _I_ am. Barely," he finished with a grin.

I sneered at him and sunk my eyes back down to her. She was still asleep even though she had been moved from the bed.

"Do babies.. sleep a lot?"

"Oh yes. All babies want to do for the first 4 weeks of their lives is drink and sleep."

I swallowed and shuffled my hands underneath her slightly, trying to get.. used to the feeling of her in my arms.

"How do I.. feed her?"

"I can supply you with some baby formula. Unless, of course, you're capable of _lactation_ ," Taehyun giggled at me.

.. The fuck does 'lactation' mean?

He was smirking at me now.

Ugh. Nevermind. I don't want to know the meaning of his big, fancy word.

"Shut up, dickhead," I muttered at him.

"Ah-ah. _Language,_ Beomgyu. You've got a small pair of innocent ears listening to you now."

I gave a soft sigh. Right. I suppose I.. shouldn't really swear around her.

"So.." Taehyun started and looked purposefully down at her before darting his eyes back up at me.

"Think you can handle this?"

I was so tired of being asked that question.

But at that moment, it was probably the most important time out of _any_ that it had been asked of me.

I looked back down at her. I brought a fingertip up to her cheek and gently brushed the edge of it and my eyes widened as I could have sworn I just saw her.. smile ever so slightly.

She was so _soft_. The softest thing I'd ever touched. Softer than silk. Softer than the petal of a flower. Softer than Kai's lips against mine. Softer than how my heart was beginning to feel.

But regardless of how soft she was, she.. _still_ felt.. too hard.

I almost felt like I was looking at my backyard all over again from over a year ago. The jungle of plants, shrubs and trees that twisted and curled around each other; that gigantic tumbleweed of impossibility.

Both Kai's and my father's words resonated within me all of a sudden from the flashback of memories.

_'Do your best, Beomgyu.'_

My father had said to me before he left me there that day.

Encouragement.. Trust..

.. Is that _really_ all I needed? To be able to be a good... father?

_'Pulling all those plants out was the easy part. Planting things and taking care of them is an entirely different story.'_

Kai had said to me when he was trying to invite me over to accept his help.

Knowledge... Guidance..

Both things that I lacked at that point, but-

I blinked in shock as I saw a tear drop down onto her face. I hadn't realized I was _crying_.

I tenderly wiped it away with my thumb and something about the sight of my own tears upon her opened up a corner of my mind and I sunk into the quicksand of the deepest parts of my psyche.

I climbed the ladder of my father's company. Those long, strenuous hours of days that just didn't seem like they would _ever_ end. I was almost the youngest Choi to ever sit in that mighty, corporate seat. I _had_ gone beyond everyone's expectations. Even my own. With my father's encouragement and trust.

I forced myself to rip that garden out and tried to put all my foolish pride aside to let Kai help me with planting a new one. I had no idea what I was doing to start with. But it got easier. With patience. With persistence. With Kai's knowledge and guidance.

And with _time_..

It allowed me to see the fruits of my labour.

I swallowed hard and gently stroked the side of her cheek some more, battling with the rising anxiety and unknowns.

... You-... You've come _this_ far, Beomgyu...

.. And what good is the rest of your life if you can't just keep.. **_growing?_**

Fuck it.

Just fuck it.

You don't care, Beomgyu.

You've never cared about a lot.

But this time you don't care about the resounding fact that you **_do_** care.

I held her closer to me and looked back up at Taehyun who had been silently, patiently waiting for my reply.

"Yes... I _can_ handle this."

He gave me the softest, deepest smile and I could truly see that warm heart of his that Kai had always seen.

"I know you can."

He proceeded to give me her birth registration form to fill out. Even though I put my name on it, I had to leave her own name blank. I hadn't given it any thought yet.

Taehyun graciously supplied me with everything I needed for her for at least a week. He instructed me on how to undertake the basics of her needs. He also promised he would come out and visit at least once a week for a few months to check on her and _our_ progress.

I was very grateful to him. If I hadn't seen him in the hallway when I did.. God knows where I'd be.

I watched as Taehyun buckled her into a little car seat he supplied me with in the rear passenger side of my car. She was beginning to look a little grumpy though. Her lower lip was pouting.. almost a little _too_ much like my own whenever I was angry.

"Turn the engine on," Taehyun nodded towards my driver's seat and I got into the car and turned the ignition.

The blonde smiled at her "Most babies like the feel of a car's vibration. It calms them down. It reminds them of the subtle movement inside of their mother."

I blinked back at him. That was.. certainly useful information. Big brained bastard.

I did up my seatbelt as Taehyun closed the back door and circled around my car until he reached my window and I put it down for him.

"I can't believe I'm about to just let you run off and take my trophy along with you," he grinned as he leaned against the edge of my door.

"Your trophy?"

"I've been waiting for the day to finally be able to tell Kai he has a blood relative. Until you came along today. Now _you_ get the honours of telling him."

My heart felt heavy once more and my skin became crisp ice. The 'honours' of telling him weren't as glorious as Taehyun thought.

"Yeah... I really don't know how I'm going to do this."

"I find honesty is always the best approach," he suggested.

He missed the implication though.

It wasn't the honesty part that worried me. But the potential fallout from it. I could never see Kai, not in a thousand years, refusing this child, considering the circumstances of his own, mysterious birth.

But refusing _me_ for how she came about in the first place...

It wasn't the child's future that was on the line. It was his trust in me.

 _That_... I perhaps _couldn't_ handle.

I took in a deep breath and shifted my gear into reverse, but held my foot upon the brake and looked back up at Taehyun.

"Thank you.. very much."

He grinned and reached into the window, his hands going for my shirt. I looked down to see he was removing the _VIV_ badge from me.

"That's alright," he smiled at the badge in his hand. "You were perhaps the _most_ Very Important Visitor I've ever had here."

Yeah. There was no denying that.

"Good luck, Beomgyu. I'll see you soon," he promised with a nod and stepped back from my car.

I reversed out of my park, questioning how I should even be driving with a baby in the backseat.

I shifted into 1st and began pulling away.

"Your complexion looks a lot healthier, by the way!" Taehyun called out to me. I shot a smirk at him in my rearview mirror as I saw him chuckling to himself in the parking lot.

"Heh. Assho-"

I cut myself short.

You can't swear anymore, Beomgyu. At least not outside of your own head.

I reached the middle of the city and contemplated seeing my father at work or my mother at home to inform them that they were now grandparents.

But they could wait. Kai couldn't. I had been away for almost 5 hours. He was likely beginning to cook dinner.

Except I was bringing home something that I was unsure how, exactly, he was going to digest.

I had been driving for about half an hour. The inside of my car was so quiet. She was still asleep. I kept looking back at her every few minutes until I found that wasn't particularly safe to do.

Maybe.. she would like some music.

My phone still didn't want to connect to my car. I found little reason to get the issue fixed. So I turned the radio on instead.

[Ghost](https://youtu.be/eYImNZ-I41g)

A song began. A few acoustic guitars being finger plucked without any other instruments present. It was slow, soft, relaxing. Perfect for her. I guessed. But when the lyrics began I felt sucked down a deep hole of contemplation without a say in the matter.

 _I fuss and fight my curiosity  
_ _With welcome arms and frightened fingers, twitched anxiety  
_ _Here it comes, a clean slate, picture-perfect, no mistakes  
_ _How am I to keep from blemishing this masterpiece?  
_ _How am I to know?_

My hands perpetually gripped and released the steering while in thought.

How _was_ I going to keep from blemishing this masterpiece? The perfection that Kai was and our heavenly existence together.

Was this going to leave a fissure between us too wide to close?

We had spent a whole year apart and he had remained loyal to me. Were my acts with Angela classified as cheating? When I _knew_ deep down, that I loved him all along?

 _As a boy I watched the world through broken eyes  
_ _Given to me by a man, his wife and all they had disguised  
_ _Uncertainty now keeps me asking how I'll lead the most  
_ _As they became, or will I teach the examples of their ghost?_

My thoughts were in the backseat again. I still didn't know what kind of father I was going to be to her. As the song suggested, would I teach her the examples of my own upbringing? Not only was my blood in her, but would my habits and mental tendencies.. Also be passed down through time?

God, I hoped not.

 _Free me  
_ _From this body  
_ _I just wanna... wanna be on the outside  
_ _Looking in_

Yeah. To be on the outside looking inward, was exactly where I wanted to be. A fly on the wall. A nosey neighbour overhearing a conversation. A passerby.

Just _anyone_ else that didn't need to be in the position I was currently in.

But then there was Kai. Still alone. Still confused. And potentially.. about to continue feeling that way as I was now pulling up to our house.

I didn't drive up to the door, I parked out on the street to prevent him from hearing me too well and come rushing out to me.

The hour's drive home was too short. Yet again, I wished for time to freeze. But it was still ticking down for Kai.

I slowly got out of the car and opened the back door. I couldn't quite figure out how to undo her car seat belt so I just took the entire thing out by the carry handle.

She was still asleep. I hadn't even seen her eyes open yet. She even kept them closed while Taehyun was giving her milk earlier.

I stood at the end of the driveway looking up the length of it with her carrier in my left hand. My eyes passed over the twilight colours of the sky as the sun began setting in the distance. Still such a beautiful hour of the day.. and night; that mystifying moment in between where shadows can morph and appear as something harrowing.

Would Kai be able to distinguish the good from the bad with my oncoming confession?

As I finally began walking up to the front door, there was, of course, only one way to find out.


	30. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissues. Have them ready.

I stood in front of the door, staring down at the reflective, silver doorknob. I could see my own, warped face within it staring back at me. I could somewhat hear noises come from within the house with the kitchen being close to where I was.

I was right in my assumption that Kai was cooking dinner with the sound of a knife cutting through something and meeting the chopping board. Though I couldn't help but feel like it was almost coming for my own throat.

The thought of leaving her out there on the doorstep in her car seat crossed my mind. To give me some time to talk to Kai, thoroughly, before finally revealing my special delivery. But Taehyun advised me not to leave her unattended in such a manner. She.. _had_ to come in with me.

I placed my hand around the doorknob but I paused before I could turn it.

Would this be the last time I would be welcomed into this house? Would I be asked to leave shortly? Maybe I should have left the engine running..

I sighed and bowed my head as I turned the doorknob and quietly pushed the door open.

Now's not the time for thinking, Beomgyu. It's not even your thoughts that matter right now.

As usual, whenever Kai was cooking, I could smell every last ingredient hang in the air as I walked into the hallway. Rice, rosemary, lemon and.. thyme- the wrong kind I really needed more of.

I pushed the door of the end of the hallway open slowly, quietly. I was unsure why I was still trying to sneak about. The kitchen was direct to my right. Kai knew I was there. And that was confirmed as I heard him drop his knife against the chopping board and came running around to face me within the doorway.

"Beomg-.."

He paused. As I knew he would. And his eyes dropped down to what I was holding within my left hand.

She was facing away from him down into the hallway, but of course, he _knew_ what was inside the carrier. What _else_ do you carry inside of a baby's car seat?

I gently lowered her to sit upon the ground next to me as I searched Kai's face. He was every bit as unreadable as Taehyun was in the hospital when he had told me he had finally found someone of Kai's blood.

I couldn't tell if Kai was upset, curious, hurt, happy or sad. I had nothing to work with. No reaction to give to his own.

Just say it, Beomgyu. You've been through wors-...

No.

I haven't.

Kai revealing Maya's identity to me was almost nothing in comparison to this. This was about as confronting as it gets.

Maybe.. if I started with the _good_ news first.

Was the word 'good' really the right one to use though?

"Kai.." I whispered and his deep eyes full of mystery darted back up to me from the little gift box of mystery beside my feet.

"Taehyun wanted to be the one to tell you this.." I paused as I had to think about my next words carefully.

"T-tell me what..?" Kai's eyes were a lot wider now as they began searching my own desperately.

"The only reason he's been working in the genetics department is to try to find your family for you."

His eyes widened even more now as his lips parted as I saw his chest swell with the huge amount of air he just took in.

"He-.." he paused again as he looked back down to the car seat.

"He finally found someone. Her name is-.. _was_ Angela. She was 24 years old and lived in the city. She was your second cousin."

Kai blinked at me, now finally showing some kind of emotion; confusion.

"She _was_..?"

I swallowed for a moment before elaborating "She died a few days ago in a car crash. Her body was taken to the hospital and Taehyun tested her DNA. He found your genes in her."

Kai blinked at me once more, showing a bit more emotion; slightly _less_ confused but more curious now. And with the way he was looking at the car seat, I _knew_ what his next question would be.

"And who's.. this?"

 _My_ chest was the one to swell with air now and the dizziness was back from my previous panic attack, but I maintained control as I tried to drag this torturous confession out just a bit longer before the ticking time bomb could explode in my face.

"She's your blood. She survived the accident. She's.. Angela's daughter."

Kai was moving fast towards the car seat. _Too_ fast. And I had to stop him from getting any closer as I held a hand up upon his chest directly over his heart. I could feel it beating almost as quickly as my own was. Almost 100bpm, a combined total of 200 with my own that matched it; our race for the truth.

"And she's-.." my voice broke as the tears welled up.

Just suck it up and handle it, Beomgyu. You deserve what's about to come, anyway. You selfish, heart-breaking little **_fuck._**

"She's.. my daughter too.."

Kai's face was once again unreadable.

But his _eyes_ , as deep as ever, showed every last emotion within their now twisting whirlpools in front of me. And I was swept up into their overwhelming waves; drowned.

He took a step back from me and my hand fell from his chest. I could have almost fallen over, not having realized I was leaning against him for support but it wasn't there anymore.

"Kai.."

He stepped back further, almost stumbling as his eyes finally ripped away from mine, darting across every edge and surface in the open kitchen and living area, passively scanning everything within sight as I saw his mind crumbling within himself.

I could feel it coming. The 'get out' and 'how could you' were already ringing in my ears. But he wasn't saying them yet.

I could do nothing but watch as he eventually stopped circling the room and laid his eyes upon the black Orchid he kept on top of the cabinet. The longer he gazed at it, it seemed to freeze him in place like a 500-year-old painting; that masterpiece that I was now so sure I was blemishing.

The room was packed full of silence.

Immeasurable.

Prolonged.

Unforgiving.

Torturous.

But in his head...

I knew my words were endlessly looping at ten thousand different octaves all at once; a symphony of crashing, thunderous reality.

She _was_ my daughter. Conceived without his knowledge while he had waited for me all these long months with no one but _myself_ in his heart.

I looked away from him up to his clock on the wall, time _had_ stopped. The thing needed new batteries. Time was frozen at 5:53. But I could still hear the ghost of the ticking of it in my mind as I began to get a headache from the sound only I could hear, and time was as painful as ever.

I looked back at Kai as I saw movement. He was bringing his hand to the edge of one of the black blooms upon the Orchid and tenderly swept his fingertips along it

He eventually bowed his head and breathed a small laugh out through his nose.

Now's not the time for laughing, Kai. It's time for you to tell me to leave and never return, isn't it?

He slowly brought his head up and turned back around, briefly looking back down at the car seat and back up to me. His eyes were a galaxy of foreign worlds that swam amongst the universe; something almost supernatural to them.

"So.. this happened while you were away then?"

He whispered so softly and quietly I could have sworn any answer I could give would just break him.

I could only nod slowly at him in response.

"Did you.. did you _love_ her?"

_'You don't feel anything for me?'_

Angela's distant voice echoed from my memories and the grief of her death finally claimed me.

No. I hadn't loved her. I always knew that. In the end, I _did_.. care about her. But never as much as she did for me. Much like Kai.. I didn't deserve _either_ of their angelic natures towards me.

"No, I didn't. It was... she was just.. It was a mistake, Kai," I pleaded with him now as tears dripped down my cheeks.

"She-.. she was my personal assistant. It only happened once, I swear. I was drunk and she-" the carpet beneath me became an ocean from the tears that crashed as I did too to my knees as they gave out; so damned **_weak_** just like my excuses.

"I swear to you, Kai.. I've never loved anyone else. I loved you the whole damned time but I didn't realize it. It was.. It was just a moment of weakness.."

I was crying so loud that I hadn't noticed someone else was crying now too.

Her.

I blinked my watery eyes open and saw Kai now standing in front of me again. And all I could do was stare beggingly up at him. He still had that angelic face, but I felt like I was kneeling before him asking for my sins to be forgiven.

His expression was.. somewhat softer, but he wasn't even looking at me. He was looking at the car seat that the rather loud cries were erupting out of.

Kai gently lifted the carrier away from me and walked it over to the couch, setting it down and turned it around. He seemed so unphased by her crying. Almost like he was.. familiar with it.

I could only keep kneeling there as he unbuckled her from the car seat and gently lifted her out of it and held her exactly like Taehyun had instructed me to.

He held the back of his hand against her forehead and then began unwrapping the blanket from her little form.

What was he...

She was still crying until Kai gently took one of her tiny hands within his own and traced a fingertip inside of her palm... much like he had done with me on the day of our picnic.

And almost immediately, she stopped crying.

... He had... such a special touch...

"Hey little button.. Is that better?" he whispered to her softly and sweetly and my jaw clenched with trying to hold back more tears from the overwhelming feeling within my heart.

"You were just a bit too hot all wrapped up like that, weren't you?" he whispered to her again.

What was... how was... he...

Kai only held her closer to his chest now and I could only just see from my distant position that her eyes were now open and staring up at him. I saw Kai's eyes widen in surprise as he looked down at her and I could have sworn he was now crying.

"Oh my god, Beomgyu.." he breathed out.

My breaths were shaky as I whispered "What?" to him.

"She.." he paused and now held her up in front of his face, hands underneath her armpits with his fingers behind her head.

My eyes widened too as I could see it now.

"She looks **_just_** like you," Kai confirmed.

Now that the blanket was off, I could see the rather thick amount of pitch-black hair she already had. Two little almond-shaped and coloured eyes blinking curiously at Kai. Her little model nose. And a chestnut shaped face. But instead of a sharp jawline like mine.. It was more rounded and soft like her cheekbones.

Kai was smiling brightly at her and brought her back in close, carefully laying her head against his chest, her ear pressed up against his heart as my own just wanted to burst open.

"I guess the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, huh, little one?"

Yet again, my head was shaking itself of its own accord.

Kai.. really didn't _care?_ He really.. Did he.. Still trust me? After _everything?_

"Kai.." I started but had no idea where I was going.

He looked back at me and his expression settled back down from the bright smile my daughter had put there. I had never seen him more understanding.

"It's okay, Beomgyu... I understand."

He understands... that I-

"Those 6 months living in the city with Taehyun, claimed almost everything about me. I made mistakes. With money. With _people_. Thinking all of it could _fix_ me when I was at my most vulnerable."

He turned around and sat down on the couch now, still holding her close to him and gazed down into her eyes that were still staring at him, they were both almost hypnotized by each other.

"I can't blame you for making mistakes, Beomgyu. Not when I've made some too. You had _every_ right to leave me here alone and move on with your life after you found out about my grandmother."

He lifted his hand to draw a finger down the edge of her cheek and smiled softly at her and my heart was in my throat.

"It hardly seems fair to judge someone on the mistakes of their past. Especially not now that they've learned their lesson and moved on from it. Maya taught me that."

"Y-.. you're not... angry that I-" Kai cut my whimpering words short as he continued on.

"What happened between you and Angela may have been a mistake, a moment of weakness. But _she's_.." he halted as he looked into her eyes with such an amount of unfathomable love that I hadn't even seen him look at _me_ with.

"She's not a mistake. She's not a moment of weakness. She's a moment of... _alwaysness_."

My hands gripped the carpet underneath me, trying to tear at it as my heart swelled with the life Kai had always given to me. It overwhelmed me once more. My future was no longer so... uncertain. It solidified with the love I saw within his eyes as he gazed at my daughter. His blood. _Our_ blood.

I let out the rawest, deepest cry that had ever left me as I was confronted by something so _unreal._

You're right, Taehyun. Science can't explain everything.

Angels **_do_** exist.

"Beomgyu.." Kai said softly from across the room and I slowly looked back up at him, he was nodding myself over to him.

I had to crawl. The halo he wore was too bright for me to stand.

I reached his position upon the couch and he used one hand to gently pull me up to sit next to him.

I bowed my head into his shoulder and just cried. I felt his fingers thread up through my hair and gently caress it.

"It's okay, Beomgy-"

"I'm so sorry, Kai. I-.. I don't deserve your forgiveness.." I whimpered into his shirt.

"There's nothing to forgive, Beomgyu."

He lifted my head with his free hand and made me look into his eyes.

"You came back to me when by all rights, you didn't _need_ to but you _wanted_ to. Both a month ago and now. That's all that matters to me."

He leaned in and pressed a kiss against my forehead and I melted into it with the tears that just kept falling.

God?

Are you listening, you giant prick?

Why did you let Kai out of your kingdom to be with me when I don't deserve him?

You work in mysterious ways.

You big, weird bastard.

My tears finally dried up and I noticed Kai was looking down at her again and I joined him.

We both just sat in silence and endlessly gazed into her eyes. I was hypnotized now too. She truly was every last piece of myself, visually. I had never given any thought into becoming a parent one day. It barely seemed like a plausible idea, considering my sexual orientation that I was once convinced I would never change my mind about.

But now that _she_ was here, her eyes constantly moving back and forth between my own and Kai's underneath those long, beautiful and delicate eyelashes of hers.

She was the little heaven-sent miracle that I never knew I wanted to be blessed with.

Our tranquil moment was disrupted as Toto came flying in through the window and perched himself on the top of the couch, looking down at her.

"Hey, buddy!" Kai perked up. "You've got a little sister now!" he giggled and I couldn't keep the smile off myself.

"You're going to be a good big brother, aren't you?" Kai lifted his hand to gently stroke his emerald green feathers and I couldn't stop myself from cuddling up to Kai's side.

God, he just made _everything_ feel like home.

"I love you, Kai," I could have said it in a deeper, more expressive fashion, but really, words had _never_ truly done anything about him justice.

"I love you too.. all of you," he smiled in response and gave the 3 of us quick glances.

"Thank you for bringing our family home to us, Beomgyu."

There were.. so many words. So many emotions. But I couldn't express _any_ of them.

Time just kept ticking; blissfully so, and she soon fell asleep again in Kai's arms.

"Have you thought of a name for her yet?" Kai whispered out to me at his side.

I shook my head slowly and began to think about it.

I looked around the house and the more my eyes lay over everything and eventually back to Kai, there was really only _one_ name she could ever be given.

"How about.. Maya?"

Kai's eyes widened as he looked back at me, tears slowly making his eyelashes stick together.

"Really?" he whispered.

I smiled softly at him and nodded. "And I want her to have your surname too. She may be my daughter, but she's the only family _you_ have."

Kai sniffled and looked back down at her with an uncontrollable smile. "Thank you, Beomgyu."

He blinked his eyes wide open and suddenly looked full of energy.

"Oh my god, I need to call Taehyun. I need to thank him too."

"Good idea," I agreed and he carefully lifted Maya up into my arms. The little thing didn't even seem to care being handed around when she was asleep.

Kai got up from the couch and dialled Taehyun on his phone before walking out into his conservatory to have the conversation.

I brought my legs up onto the couch and sat cross-legged, gently placing Maya down between them into the pseudo-bed I made with them. I really needed to think about where she was going to sleep, permanently.

I just couldn't keep my eyes off her. It was so fascinating to be looking at a miniature version of myself. Still.. slightly worrisome, but it's not as if I had to have any concerns about her driving or alcohol drinking habits _yet_. I was getting too far ahead of myself.

The idea of her future made me thoughtful and I brought out my phone from my pocket. I really needed to call my father. Not that this was something I could do over the phone.

But I called him anyway.

"Beomgyu? Are you okay? What was all that about before?"

"Hey, dad.. Sorry. I just.. I was upset with the news about Angela."

I knew that wasn't entirely convincing though, since I had _heavily_ questioned my father about the baby. And he confirmed it as he carried on.

"Why were you so interested in the child though, son? Did you know the father or something?"

I swallowed hard and took in a deep breath.

"Yeah.. somewhat.. When is the funeral?" I tried to change the subject as I idly played with the edges of Maya's little yellow jumpsuit.

"It's tomorrow at 4pm. At the big church down Azarado Boulevard. Do you know the place?"

Azarado Boulevard.. It was the same street Angela had once lived on.

"Yeah I know the area. I'll.. see you there..." I wanted to carry on and say I had a surprise for him, but that would just result in more questions that I couldn't answer over the phone.

"Alright, son. I better go. Got a meeting with your aunt. Say hi to Kai for me!"

"I will. See ya."

I ended the call and placed my phone down to my side. I could now hear Kai laughing from out in the conservatory during his still-going talk with Taehyun.

I leaned forward and gently pressed a kiss into Maya's forehead and her tiny hands opened and closed with the gesture in her sleep.

"I'll take you to.. say goodbye to your mother tomorrow, okay?" I whispered as tears rose up in my eyes again with the words. I knew the next day wouldn't be easy. Not only would I be feeling my own grief, but Maya's as well.

I began to think how I would explain it all to her one day, when she was old enough to understand. But again, that was a long time away yet.

Kai eventually came back in and was smiling softly at the both of us on the couch.

"Hello, little ones!" he grinned.

".. I swear to god, Kai, you-"

He giggled at me as I glared and trailed off for the 'little' comment. He resumed making dinner as I stayed seated with Maya.

"Kai?"

"Mmm?" he hummed as he sprinkled something over a pot of rice.

"Do we have something for Maya to sleep in?"

He stood up straight and thought about it. "Actually, yes." He returned to his chopping board and started cutting up a cucumber.

"My grandmother hand-crafted a crib for me when she took me in. She kept it. It's inside the shed in the backyard. I'll dig it out after dinner and clean it up."

I smiled at him across the open space and returned my gaze back down to Maya before I could hear Kai giggling at me from in the kitchen.

"What?"

"You're so in love, button."

I blushed and shuffled around slightly, but stopped as I didn't want to disturb her peaceful sleep.

"Yeah. But so are you," I shot back at him in defence.

"Unconditionally," he said without a second thought with a warm smile.

We ate dinner a while later, I kept Maya in my arms the whole time, deciding to eat just with one hand so I didn't need to let her go. I really didn't want to.

Kai tidied up his old crib for her and brought it inside. We decided to put her in one of the spare rooms closest to ours which had an old piano inside of it and not much else.

I asked Kai if he wanted to come to Angela's funeral the next day, which he _more_ than insisted on attending with me.

He requested we take 'shifts' in feeding Maya throughout her first night in the house. She needed feeding every 4 hours. She only woke up crying once. And Kai easily calmed her down with a simple draw of his fingertips across the middle of her palm again.

I was pretty tired the following morning. But I suppose I had to get used to the lack of sleep. I was in dire need of a coffee, but tea did the trick just as well as Kai brought me a cup of it in bed.

It was just before 3 pm and I was carrying Maya around against my shoulder as Kai fixed his black tie in the mirror of our bedroom for the funeral.

"Ready, baby?" I asked and he gave my reflection behind him in the mirror a quick nod before messing with his tie some more.

"You look good, stop fussing," I grinned at him.

"Sorry.. I'm just nervous about this.." Kai's eyes dropped to the floor.

I hadn't really thought of it through his eyes. This would be the first and only time he would see Angela. He had asked me many, many questions about her the previous evening, and I felt guilty that I hadn't known much about her to reply to him.

I hoped the coming hours would be enlightening for him.

The three of us drove out into the city and I parked close to where Angela's apartment was. I hoped I wouldn't bump into my father just _quite_ yet. It was best to wait until the funeral had finished to tell him he'd suddenly become a grandfather overnight.

As I was busy unbuckling Maya from her car seat, I heard a familiar voice spark up behind me from the footpath where Kai was standing in waiting.

"Well, well.. Didn't think I'd see _you_ in the city."

".. Oscar?!" Kai practically _shouted_ and I whipped my head around to see him _hugging_ my old personal assistant like it was completely normal.

I stood there with my mouth hanging wide open and the inside of it just dried out as I watched them engage in conversation before me like I wasn't even there.

"What the fu-" I mentally had to kick myself for almost swearing without thinking again.

They both eventually turned back to me and Kai was smiling brightly at me while Oscar looked surprised at me for the first time _ever._

"Sorry, Beomgyu! This is Oscar! My old neighbour."

His... old..

_Neighbour..?_


	31. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ties up a fair few loose ends for Beomgyu. Regarding Oscar's character- if you note the very last sentence he says to Beomgyu, and go back to read what he says to him at the start of chapter 21, things might make even more sense about him than they do in this chapter ;) This chapter also contains what I like to call 'subjective' supernatural content. I've never said that this story contains supernatural or fantasy-based themes. But certain moments in this chapter might make you question... does it? This may seem like the story is over, but there is still one last chapter to come after this. Enjoy ^^

Oscar and I stood there staring at each other in silence, though I noticed the surprised look on his face was more directed to Maya behind me in the car, instead of me.

"Is there.. a problem..?" Kai asked as he couldn't seem to figure out the moment.

Oscar's dark eyes dipped to the pavement and gave a small laugh to himself but didn't reply.

"Do you two.. know each other?" Kai questioned, seeming just as confused as I was now.

"He was.. my old personal assistant at the company. After Angela left.." I confirmed as I was trying to read the look in Oscar's eyes, but this time, I really couldn't.

"Really?! Wow.. For such a large city, it's a pretty small world.." Kai trailed off in thought but there was an innocence to his voice. He really hadn't known. Oscar, however..

"H-how... when were you his neighb-"

"Questions later, Beomgyu. The funeral's starting soon," Oscar settled the moment down in an instant. He was very good at keeping me on track. Even _now_.

"I'll see you both inside," he nodded pleasantly at us and left to keep walking down to the church.

Kai noticed I was still just standing there like a deer in the headlights as I watched Oscar walk away and he resumed my unbuckling of Maya's car seat and lifted her out.

"I can't believe you two worked together, that's kinda crazy!" Kai piped up after a moment while securing Maya close to himself in his arms.

I finally blinked away from watching Oscar walking off and closed the back door of my car and locked it. My head was spinning as we began a slow approach to the church.

Just how the fuck...

My train of thought was derailed as I saw a sea of black ahead in the distance gathered outside the church, slowly filing their way inside. Judging by the number of people and cars parked around, it looked like almost the _entire_ company had come along to the funeral.

We arrived at the two wide, arching doors of the church. The place was _packed._ Every pew was full. I saw many of my old co-workers sitting around and several people I wasn't familiar with.

I glanced far up ahead and I saw my father _and_ my mother seated at the front row on the left side. I quickly pulled Kai with Maya in his arms down to sit at one of the back rows on the right side.

"Let's just sit here for now," I whispered to Kai at my side.

The service began, as did my grief.

 _Many_ people got up to speak about Angela. People from different departments within the company. Her friends outside of work. Even one of her neighbours came along to give a few words.

And _all_ of the words spoken about her were... enlightening.

The more I sat there and absorbed them into myself, I kept glancing at Kai at my side and began pondering something that had always confused me until that day.

The way these people spoke about Angela, revealing parts of her personality and soul to everyone there, it became apparent to me that her and Kai were _very_ much alike.

It wasn't just Angela's love for flowers or her interest in pottery.. It wasn't even the unknown fact that she was Kai's relative that whole time. It was her _soul_ that was so very similar to Kai's.

And it made me think.. perhaps _that_ was the reason I gave into her.

Maybe it wasn't the alcohol _or_ the coffee that evening. Her and Kai's similarities were becoming more and more apparent with every word of grief and appreciation that was bringing tears to my eyes.

She was kind. Deeply caring. Gave you the very clothes off her own back if it meant you were looked after. And like Kai, very cunning too. But I guess for someone as thick-headed and arrogant as myself, they _had_ to be to break through to me.

All she had wanted was to take my pain away from me that she could so clearly see was tearing me up... just like Kai had with his long, hard journey of growth with me.

And I had been blind to her true intentions, all because I had been a misogynistic, ignorant _fuck_.

I'm so sorry, Angela... I really am.

It was obvious. Kai wasn't the _only_ angel to have existed in my life.

The speeches went on for almost an hour. Maya was becoming slightly restless, but Kai had it under control. I still couldn't figure out how he did it so easily.

The funeral celebrant stood behind the podium and spoke into the microphone.

"Is there anyone else who wishes to share their thoughts and memories this day?"

My palms were sweating now, almost shaking. I... _did_ want to say something. I was the father of her child that she never got to meet, for Christ sake.

I looked intently at Maya sleeping in Kai's arms and the celebrant was speaking again.

"If that's all, we will now move onto-"

"Wait!" I called out as I interrupted him and suddenly all eyes were on me.

I held my arms open to Kai, wanting him to place Maya in them and he did so slowly as his eyes flicked between my own curiously.

"I thought you wanted to wait until-"

"There's no point. May as well get it over and done with," I slowly stood up with Maya in my arms and walked down the centre of the church.

I could see my father and mother looking back at me, utterly perplexed.

"Beomgyu, what on _earth?"_ my father's eyes were wide as he whispered loudly across the room the closer I approached the podium, looking down at Maya and back up to me multiple times.

You're about to find out, dad.

I walked up the deep red carpet laid out upon the steps and passed Angela's chestnut coloured coffin. The top half of it was open and inside lay dozens upon dozens of white orchids around her long, wavy blonde hair. She looked every bit as beautiful as she always had. Whoever the morticians were, did an astounding job of hiding any injuries she received from the crash.

I stepped up to the podium and tried to ignore the few hundred pairs of eyes upon me. Most of them looked confused as to why I was holding a baby.

"I-.."

God, I didn't even _know_ what I was meant to say. I just wanted to say _something_. Angela deserved that much from me.

I briefly looked back over my shoulder at her and calmed my breathing before turning back around.

"You've all said... much more about her than I ever could. I didn't know Angela very well. As most of you know, she was my personal assistant and not much more than that."

I swallowed hard and looked back down at Maya, giving her a gentle rock against my chest and I drew strength from her to carry on.

"But Angela was there for me during a time where I felt like I had no light in my life. She tried to comfort me and.. take my pain away.."

My throat tightened and the tears were back now. I looked desperately at my father with the oncoming confession, he was on the edge of his seat, my mother clutching his arm.

"We.. shared one night together once and..-"

The room was swept up in deep, hushed words of disbelief and my parents now looked like they were staring at a ghost, their faces pale.

".. And... even though Angela's gone... she lives on.. in our daughter."

The church was _loud_ with whispers and my father's feet meeting the floor as he bolted upright from his pew. My mother looked mere seconds away from passing out entirely.

I looked back across the right side of the gathering and distantly caught Kai's eyes with mine. I could see them shining with tears in the back row and I held them, drawing more strength to carry on.

"I just wanted to say that I've.. _grown_ from my mistakes. I face and accept them now. Because..." I trailed off and smiled at Kai in the distance "Because life goes on."

I could see Kai's smile at me at how I was now echoing his words to me the day I arrived back at his house.

The room was still an emotional sea of disbelief but I didn't care. I turned back around to look at Angela.

"I promise you, Angela. I won't let our daughter grow up to be anything like what I used to be. She's in good hands."

Not mine... yet. I still didn't hold a particularly large amount of confidence in my ability to be a good father, but I knew Kai would guide me, just like he had with everything else.

I smiled as I bowed my head and gave one last final word.

"I hope heaven welcomes you back with open arms."

I slowly left the podium and walked back down the steps. My parents were rushing up to me but it still wasn't the right time to discuss anything further with the service still in progress.

"What enlightening, touching words.." the funeral celebrant spoke from behind me.

"Beomgyu..... son... I-.." my father just didn't know _what_ to do with himself and my mother was shaking like a leaf in a thunderstorm as her eyes were _glued_ to Maya.

"We'll talk later, _grandad"_ I grinned at my father as I continued on past him to take my seat next to Kai once more.

He placed a hand on top of my thigh and squeezed it gently. "That was really beautiful, Beomgyu," he smiled warmly, tears still in his eyes. "I'm proud of you."

We sat in silence for the rest of the service. And of course, as soon as it was over, my parents stampeded down to reach us in the back row.

But neither of them even knew what to say still, they just stared down at Maya still asleep in my arms until my mother just couldn't _stand_ it any longer.

"Let. Me. Hold. My. _Granddaughter!"_

I laughed and carefully handed Maya over to her experienced hands.

"Oh my gooosshhhhh... she's-... she's so.... she's... I... Oh my god, I'm a grandmother.." she trailed off and looked around herself as if God, himself, had just walked through the door.

"I'm a **_grandmother_**. I'm a- _Oh_ my god, I need to call my girlfriends. Oh my god. OH my god.." my mother walked out of the church with Maya, pulling her cellphone out of her tiny black handbag and proceeded to basically call the entire city's population to inform them of the news.

Kai and I just let her go with a few accepting giggles. Kai noticed the look my father was still giving me and he wandered away to the front of the church to Angela's coffin. I knew he wanted some one-on-one time with her.

"Well..." my father was still at a loss for words, unlike my mother outside. "I've never had so many secrets kept from me in my entire life over this past year," he laughed quietly, his eyes dancing with a deep sort of tiredness.

"Are you hiding anything else from me, son?" he grinned.

I actually had to stop and think about it. I possibly _was_.

"Angela was Kai's second cousin."

"Huh.." my father blinked. "For such a large city, it's a pretty small world."

My eyes began to gravitate away from my father with his words that Kai had said only an hour beforehand regarding Oscar. I became thoughtful about him and I saw him from the corner of my eye, gracefully walking out of the front doors.

"Wait here," I pleaded with my father and I shot after the dark-haired businessman.

"Oscar!" I called out to him and he slowed down to look back at me.

"That was a lovely speech you gave, Beomgyu. Congratulations on becoming a father."

"Just-.. Just answer me something."

He smiled at me softly, still maintaining an indescribable amount of control, like _always_. But something about him had been _itching_ at the very back of my brain for the past hour.

"The day I left the company... did you _know_ I liked rose tea?"

The corners of his mouth were twitching, trying not to grin at me but he kept the expression under control.

"And how would I know something as specific as _that?"_ He arched a dark eyebrow up at me and turned around to keep walking.

"You can't tell me it's just a coincidence!" I raised my voice at him desperately instead of once harshly as I used to in my early days of working with him.

He stopped walking but didn't turn back to look at me.

"Kai used to have a lot of very _enlightening_ conversations with that pet bird of his while I lived next door..."

I stumbled closer to Oscar's back, slowly shaking my head.

"It's always interesting what you can learn about your neighbours from just over the fence, isn't it?"

My eyes widened as Oscar returned to slowly walking off.

"You..."

"Shouldn't you be off home now, Beomgyu? It's been a big day, after all.." he said quietly as I heard a knowing smile in his voice.

I could only stare at him as he kept walking down the street.

I felt dizzy as I finally looked away from him and back to my mother holding Maya, still on the phone to someone as she gushed endlessly over my daughter's eyelashes. I looked back inside the church to see my father now standing beside Kai, talking with him next to Angela's coffin.

I glanced back to where Oscar was walking and he was gone from sight even though he had only been several feet away from me. I looked around frantically, but couldn't see him pulling away in a car of any kind.

Instead, a single white feather gently brushed up against my shoulder and it made me look up into the sky. There were no birds around, but I saw the smallest amount of blue sky above me through the city's pollution. Like something had just.. shot up through it..

.....

Do..

Angels..

 ** _Really_**.. exist..?

**~**

The drive back home was.. Quiet. Contemplative. Although mostly from my lack of anything to say. Kai was talking about Angela. A lot. But I couldn't bring myself to reply to much.

Oscar was right. It _had_ been a big day.

I really needed a nap.

I parked up the driveway and Kai took Maya out of the backseat. She was hungry and Kai immediately went inside with her to fix that.

I slowly paced around outside in the backyard, looking over our garden and looked curiously at my old property. Oscar surely can't have lived there. My father gave me the house in the end. Which means..

I walked over to the other side of the garden closer to where the greenhouse was and looked thoughtfully at the fence that separated the property from the neighbouring one.

I looked up at a tree that was near the fence, Toto was perched inside of it. It was one of his favourite places to sit.

"How often did Kai talk about me, Toto?" I questioned him as if I was half expecting a reply.

He blinked his beady little black eyes at me and flew off into the middle of the garden amongst the flowers.

I gave a small sigh to myself and let myself into the house. I heard noises from the end of the hallway in Maya's room and I quietly made my way up to it to peek through the doorway.

My heart became the size of the sun as I watched Kai lay Maya down to sleep inside her crib, tucking her blankets in on either side of her with some sweet, whispered words of comfort and a small kiss to her forehead.

I quietly pushed myself into the room and Kai turned his head to look at me, smiling warmly. He stood up straight as I walked up next to him and noticed he had attached a hand-carved wooden baby mobile above the crib.

"What's this?" I asked curiously as I touched the edge of the large wooden star hanging in the middle.

"My grandmother made it for me when I was a baby. I decided to put it up for Maya too!"

I smiled at it and watched the star slowly turn on the spot. Maya hadn't gone to sleep yet. She was staring up at it curiously.

Kai left my side and sat behind the old piano in the room.

"Do you think she'll grow up to be a musician one day?" I asked, feeling somewhat excited about the idea.

"Who knows.. but.. maybe we could begin encouraging it.." Kai trailed off as he placed his fingers upon the ivory keys. It looked like he was trying to recall a song with the way his hands moved from chord pattern to chord pattern.

I took a seat in the small chair in the corner of the room and Kai slowly began playing something.

[Nap Of A Star](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4R02KNgu5s&list=PLx3sQc7YekdE77CIrpfcQb0iCxrKcQe2H&index=18)

The song was slow, gentle, peaceful... almost sleep-inducing. The stuff dreams are born from.

I looked back at the crib and the slow, subtle turning of the wooden star of the mobile hanging above Maya. She was still gazing up at it and I could almost see her little mind ticking over inside of her.

My own mind joined hers as I looked at the 5 points of the star, Kai's song in the background making me all the more introspective.

I truly couldn't believe how far I'd come to be where I was right then.

Meeting Kai.

Learning of his grandmother's connection to my family.

Leaving, setting Toto.. _and_ Kai free.

My moments with Angela.

My moments with _Oscar_ that had... somehow... someway... lead me straight back there, unknowingly.

Learning of my grandfather's secret relationship.

Angela's death.

Maya's birth.

The finding of Kai's family.

The _beginning_ of ours.

Life.. love.. memories... going on.

The more I stared at the star, my mind drifted off into the far corners of the universe as I began to realize.. just like the corners of the star, we were all connected within this unreal set of circumstances that still felt like a _dream_.

Kai ended his song tenderly and I lowered my gaze to Maya. Kai and I just sat on opposite sides of the room, looking at her in wonder; our own little star was napping now.

I didn't feel like getting into a heavy conversation. I could have asked Kai so very much about Oscar that I was still curious about. But I really only had one question for him.

"Kai.." I whispered.

"Yes, button?" he whispered in return.

"Did you give Oscar some rose tea before he moved away?"

He blinked at me in surprise. "Yeah, actually. When I heard he had landed a new job in the city, I put together a care package of my food for him. Rose tea included!"

I smiled softly to myself.

"Oscar said he'd keep it with him at work."

I slowly glided my eyes back over to Maya, my smile only widening, but I was still just too tired to reply properly.

"I visited him one day not long after he moved in next to me. He had his grandson over. Same age as Maya," Kai gazed lovingly at my daughter with the memories. "It's actually how I know a thing or two about newborns."

I let out a gentle laugh through my nose.

"That makes sense then."

"Oscar was an interesting guy... I found out he was adopted too, just like me and Angela. He never knew who _his_ parents were either.."

My sleepy eyes now widened and my tired brain was about to burn out.

I slowly turned my head to look out the window into the setting sun in the sky.

Could it be that he...

Heh... You're just far too tired, Beomgyu.

Some mysteries are better off just left alone. But one mystery was certainly solved that day.

Angels _have_ been guiding me this whole time.

I looked back over at Maya, deep within her dreams.

And now I had one more to guide me into my future.


	32. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very long final chapter. Over double the typical length of any other. It contains many different moments, moods and events. Parenting, sexual content (kinda heavier than in the earlier chapter? Maybe? You be the judge), a bit more Kai backstory, tooth-rotting fluff and +u references in abundance. I will be back, hopefully, before Christmas is here to upload a lot of author's notes about this story. There are so many hidden meanings in this book that I want to clarify and enlighten you all on to get a fuller picture of the story as a whole. Please enjoy ^^ x

**5 Years Later**

It's been a while, hasn't it?

5 years.

60 months.

260 weeks.

1,825 days.

43,800 hours.

2,628,000 minutes.

15,768,000 seconds.

Time.

It's such a..

My thoughts came pouring directly out of my right ear as my left one was suddenly filled with water spraying at the side of my head.

My eyes slipped closed and air filled my lungs as I felt the water drip down my face and the ends of my hair. I could hear _giggling_. From _both_ of them.

"Got you, daddy!!"

I opened my eyes and turned around from the apple tree I was picking fruit from to see Maya running away joyfully with the garden hose in hand back to Kai on the other side of the garden.

"That serves daddy right for swearing before, doesn't it, little button?!" Kai continued giggling as he swept her up in his arms and swung her around as if to _praise_ her for her behaviour.

The **_absolute_** nerve of **_these two_**.

I dropped my fruit basket and chased after the pair of them. I caught Maya around her waist and pulled her up off the ground and up against my chest. She was a giggling, squealing little mess as I tickled her sides through her floral print dress.

"Are you going to apologize?!" I grinned at her as her laughs became breathless from underneath the long trestles of wavy, black hair.

"No! That's no fun, daddy!" her little almond eyes danced at me under the heat of the summer sun and my _God_ I loved her. Even though she was a little pain in the ass sometimes.

She may have looked like me, but she was mostly Kai on the inside. _Mostly_.

Unashamedly kind- to those who deserved it, ruthlessly caring- to those who needed it, ridiculously mischievous- particularly to me; teasing me to the point of unintentionally swearing several times a day. But she also showed signs of my old self.. a bit entitled, selfish, egotistical and _impatient_. Though it made me wonder on several occasions- maybe that was just _normal_ for a 5-year-old and _I_ was the one who had been acting like a big child for all those years.

I _did_ still have my moments. But Kai kept me in check, in his own way.

I released Maya and she went scampering back across the yard to Kai, proceeding to _climb_ her way up the back of him like a tree until she reached his shoulders and sat upon them. It was one of her favourite places to be. Whenever Kai was harvesting fruit from our orchard, she would sit there, picking fruit from her elevated height. She was a very hard worker for her age.

Kai walked Maya through the long rows of fruit trees of our orchard that was well underway. Since we planted it, it would be our 3rd year of the business since we started. I _did_ entice Soobin and Yeonjun to help. I let them stay in my old house during harvesting season and while they were around, Maya was _terribly_ spoiled by them.

But not with material items. With their time and attention.

Soobin spent a lot of time reading books to her. Yeonjun had ramen eating competitions with her. She even beat him a few times. Because, just like her father, she hated the idea of losing.

Taehyun's presence in our lives was also a now-constant occurrence. Since he found Kai's DNA in Angela, he cut his hours back at the hospital by almost half. He would play Doctor with Maya and taught her a lot of _useless_ information that I'm sure would become useful in time. But they adored each other. 'Uncle Taehyun' was one of her favourite people and was always asking for him during the week, impatiently awaiting his usual Sunday afternoon visits for band practice. He _was_ our main vocalist, after all.

Soobin expressed an interest in taking up the piano and Kai spent close to 3 years teaching him how to play well enough so he could take over playing the drums for him. Yeonjun still played the bass. I still played the guitar. And Taehyun offered us the talents of his singing voice. We held concerts in the city during the quiet Autumn and Winter months. The band was so much more complete with 5 of us instead of 3. And Maya was our biggest fan out of the thousands of people we attracted. She was _very_ keen to follow in our musical footsteps.

Just _please_ God, not the drums. Anything but the drums. She was loud enough all on her own without them amplifying her endless energy.

My father retired from the company 3 years previous. My aunt took over the business and it had never seen brighter days from a woman sitting at the top. My parents sold the family home in the city and moved out into the outskirts to be closer to us. As much as I really didn't want Maya spoiled with things that money could buy, my mother just couldn't help herself most of the time. Almost every week she would show up with new clothes for her. Maya's wardrobe started to take over the spare room entirely.

My father found a lot of solace in his retirement, but he was soon bored and eventually began helping myself and Kai with our market stall. He didn't know much about fruit, vegetables and plants, but he certainly put his business knowledge to good use. He looked after the financial side of things for us so we could focus more on growing.

I stood back against the side of a pear tree as I watched Kai and Maya from a distance. Kai always took the time to answer all her questions about plants. She almost knew more than _I_ did now. She was so inquisitive and Kai relished in it. He never grew tired of spending time with her. And _she_ never grew tired of spending time with him.

"Can I pick one of these for my lunch?" Maya asked as she looked up at a mandarin hanging from a nearby branch.

"Of course you can!" Kai answered and stood closer to the tree so she could reach.

"Yay!! People in my class are going to _wish_ they had a lunch as yummy as mine!" Maya boasted as her little fingers wrapped around the bright orange coloured fruit and plucked it from the branch.

Heh. There was that hint of my ego coming out in her again, but it was laced with Kai's innocence and cheer.

She climbed back down Kai and came rushing over to me, holding the fruit up to me excitedly.

"Is it time to go to school yet, daddy?! I wanna show everyone our fruit!"

My cheeks hurt from the loving smile I gave her and gently rustled her hair about.

"Yeah. Go get your bag and let's go."

"Okay!!" she rushed past me and back into the house. "Are you coming to school too, Toto?!" I heard her ask him once she reached the inside of the kitchen and I felt Kai brush up against my side.

"Think she can handle this?" he asked with a gentle wrap of his arm around my waist.

"I think she'll be just fine," I grinned and leaned in against him.

It was Maya's first day of school. She had been super excited about it for _months_.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, it's okay. You've got a lot of work to do here," I replied as I looked around the bountiful amount of fruit that hung around us that needed to be picked for the week. "It won't take long."

"Alright then," Kai smiled softly and pressed a chaste kiss against my cheek. "I'll see you back here, button."

I drew my hand down his arm until I reached his palm and gave it a small squeeze as I pushed myself away and out to the driveway.

"C'mon, Maya! You don't wanna be late!" I said as I aimed my remote lock at my vehicle.

"Coming!!" I heard her call out from inside and saw her rushing down the front doorstep. I opened the backdoor for her and had to lift her up inside into her car seat.

I no longer owned my old car. Kai and I needed something _a lot_ bigger to cart all our fruit, vegetables and flowers down to the market every weekend. So I bought a pick-up truck. As much as it was big, it was still fast. _Of course_.

As I drove Maya to the outskirts elementary school, she piped up from the backseat. I could see her tossing her mandarin up and down in the air.

"Mandarins are _weird_ looking things, daddy!"

I giggled at her, recalling my own thoughts about them while working at the company.

"And why's that, baby bear?"

"If you put two of the.. thingies.. next to each other.. they kinda look like... the thing in your head!"

"A brain?" I grinned as I turned a corner.

"Yeah! That thing! _My_ brain's _really_ big! Uncle Taehyun told me so!"

"Must mean mandarins are good food for your brain then!" I smiled at her in my rearview mirror and she rolled her eyes a little _too_ much like I would.

"Don't be silly, daddy! Your brain doesn't _eat_ things! It doesn't even have a mouth!"

I almost snorted out loud at her somewhat sassy comments. The way her innocently curious mind worked never failed to amuse me.

We arrived at her school and I walked her to her class with her hand in mine.

God, I forgot how _loud_ schools could be. The mostly quiet residence of our house felt like a graveyard in comparison.

"Oh, welcome!" her teacher said from the front of the class and all eyes turned to look at Maya at my side. She shuffled to stand behind me; suddenly shy from the attention.

"It's okay, baby bear.." I whispered to her gently. For all her previous excitement, it seemed to disappear under the spotlight.

"Come and introduce yourself to the class, Maya" the teacher gently encouraged her with a hand motioning next to her.

I looked back at my daughter and she was clutching the mandarin in her hand. I think she missed Kai already. Maybe I should have asked him to come along.

I knelt down next to her with a pair of encouraging hands clasping her wrists. "Go show everyone the fruit you brought! You wanted to share about it, remember?" I gently reminded her and I saw her confidence spark back up like a lightbulb. She placed her school bag down near my feet and skipped away from me to stand at the front of the class and very proudly held up the mandarin in her hands.

"My name is Maya Huening! And this is my mandarin that my daddies grew!!"

I couldn't hide my proud smile as my chest swelled and deflated with a relieved sigh.

"Your 'daddies'?" a brown-haired boy near the back sneered at her.

My relief halted as I held my breath. This was something I was secretly worried about. Maya having to explain same-sex parenting to children her own age.

"Yup!! I have _two_ daddies!! **_Way_** better than just one!!" she replied confidently with a subtle tilt of her chin and a flick of her hair at the boy and I had to suppress a smirk at the way she handled the situation so smoothly.

"Thank you so much for sharing, Maya! You're very lucky to have two loving parents in your life," her teacher smiled at her acceptingly and gently ushered her to sit down with the rest of the children.

I saw Maya side-eye the boy who questioned her who was now hanging his head from realizing he'd just been shot down by a girl in front of the whole class. I was now relieved that she had picked up some of my traits from me; they proved useful in these kinds of situations.

"I'll see you at 3, baby bear," I said quietly to her across the beginning of the class instruction from her teacher. Maya smiled brightly at me and threw me a kiss with her fingertips and I caught it and tucked it into my pocket, as I always did.

I couldn't keep the smile off myself as I walked back to the truck. Could she handle this?

Tch. _Of course,_ she could. She was _my_ daughter, after all.

Kai was in the kitchen when I returned home, diligently washing a bowl of recently picked cherry tomatoes in the sink.

"How'd it go?!" he asked excitedly, honey-brown eyes blinking at me with intrigue.

"No tears. No fuss. Full of smiles and a bit of attitude."

Kai laughed as I placed my keys down and I sauntered my way up behind him to enclose his waist between my arms with a lazy back hug. I breathed the scent of him in deeply. Notes of lavender and citrus from his shampoo and the fruit trees; relaxing yet stimulating all at once, the perfect balance that he was.

"Have Soobin and Yeonjun started yet?" I mumbled into the top of his shoulder, my lips pressing into it with his movements in the sink.

"Yeah, they started just after you left."

I closed my eyes and held him tighter, the sound of the gushing of the tap water almost put me in a trance similar to that of sitting next to a river, the droning of it zoning me out on the spot.

I knew we both had a lot of work to tend to that day, but I really just wanted to go back to bed. And the longer I held Kai, feeling his body heat merge with mine, it wasn't because I was thinking of sleeping.

I was in a good position. Soobin and Yeonjun were busy working outside. Maya was at school. Kai's right here, albeit busy, but... it could wait. If I helped him out later to make up for it.

I reached forward, guiding down Kai's forearms to his wet hands and I grasped them with my own confident ones, linking my fingers in between his own with a soft squeeze under the water.

"Do you want a little break, baby?" I whispered lowly next to his ear and with the sudden and slight shiver he gave in reaction to my words, I think he understood that I didn't mean 'let's go sit out in the sunshine for a while'.

He slowly turned around and I gave him very little space to complete the motion, his chest pushing up against mine, gentle taps of the water from his fingertips meeting the floorboards. His eyes cast out through the conservatory at my back, searching for our friends with a not entirely convinced smile upon his lips.

"What if they-"

I closed the distance between us with a kiss I hoped he wouldn't refuse and with the way his tongue immediately met mine with a slow circling of it, I knew I didn't have to do any further bargaining.

With the busy season and long, hard days we'd been working, I hadn't had his _personal_ attention for almost 17 days. Yes. I _had_ been counting. And I was starting to go a little stir-crazy from the cabin fever of denied access to the inside of his jeans.

We sunk deeper into the kisses shared and _why_ weren't his clothes off already? I pawed a hand down from his sternum and blindly yet boldly grasped at him between his legs through a layer of denim. I was met with a soft gasp from his throat and a handful of everything I needed just then; my throat was already hurting from how much I knew it was going to be stretched open very soon.

My skilful fingers hastily began undoing his jeans, but his own were around my waist, stopping me from dropping to my knees.

"Beomgyu... shouldn't we-.. Uh, _god.._ "

My jeans tightened at the sound of his deep, whispered gasping to my hand already down the front of his own jeans, encircling him with a tight, convincing squeeze.

"Don't worry about them," I dipped my eyes to the ground behind me momentarily as I gave mention to our friends working outside.

"They won't come inside without good reason.." I chewed at his lower lip in a feisty little kiss followed by another subtle squeezing of his flesh in my hand "But you will."

The deep moan I drew out of him and the flash of fire in his eyes told me I had him now as I filled his mind with images of the short, foreseeable future; unstoppable as the setting sun of the evening.

He grasped my wrist without a further word and I was being pulled behind him out of the kitchen and straight down the hallway. Our bedroom door almost slammed after we passed through it, but it wasn't enough to awaken me from my lust induced frenzy that clutched at every tendon. Matter over mind and mind over matter, both meeting in the middle to shake hands on the agreement that this was _everything_ I'd been needing.

The floor's gravity mimicked that of Jupiter's itself as I uncontrollably sank to my knees with the heavy, invisible pull and a muffled thud meeting the carpet as my hands would not work fast enough.

Why do clothes _exist_? Why did Kai bother getting dressed this morning? Such a waste of my time.

Time. Yes. I _had_ it. But it didn't seem like enough, even though I had worked his jeans down to his thighs already. Maybe time wasn't the issue. I didn't have enough _hands._

One was pushing his white t-shirt up over his broad rib cage while my mouth wetly sucked and kissed every inch of skin it could find; scavenging for just _anything_ as I felt starved of the sweet taste of his milky skin.

He helped me. A little. He pulled his t-shirt off and I heard the rustle of it meet the floor and _God,_ who needs overseas travel when I had this view right here in our very own bedroom?

The look in his eyes was so distant from the depth of them yet so fucking close with how they held my own captive; a long-distance relationship with what seemed like miles between us with how fucking tall he was from my kneeled position.

**Smack.**

Heh, well, you should have _known_ that would happen, Beomgyu, with the way you ripped his underwear down to his knees and how his arousal just sprung out to throat-kick the _shit_ out of your neck like a jackrabbit in mating season.

My hand wrapped about him and he felt just as sturdy and thick as the rest of him looked. Such a god damned handful, he was. I was _almost_ confident I could have pulled myself upright upon it with how heavily locked and loaded he already was. Now to make him open fire upon me.

"Open up.." he whispered deeply to me and I couldn't control the breathless, low registered chuckle I let out in response.

All I could see was his hands coming forward, long fingers eclipsing his face from view for a moment as they sunk into my hair and gripped it firmly. Oh yeah, he'd be missing and needing this just as much as I had, that I was sure of.

I couldn't deny _either_ of us the pleasure of it any longer as I eased him into my mouth, my tongue exploring the already mapped-to-my-brain land, but it was always _so_ good to revisit. He glided against the top of my wet muscle and it didn't take him long to come to the roadblock of the back of my throat. But when had that ever stopped me from fucking the road rules and going full-speed ahead, anyway?

I opened my throat up and took him in deeper until it was no longer possible to breathe through my mouth. Who needs air supply? And no, I'm not talking about my father's favourite band. Nothing quite like a bit of asphyxiation to make your head dance even more from the thick mood. I could feel his moans vibrate through him and against my tonsils and I almost gagged. Almost. But we were used to this now.

Never let anyone convince you that sex with the same person for an extended period of time gets _boring_. And if it does. Well. They're just not Kai Kamal Huening, are they?

Our sensuality just aged like a fine wine; more enrichening, sweeter and satisfying with time. My eyes were watering now, but he _knew_ I could handle it. I could feel every last fingertip of his against the back of my head, bouncing it forward around him by only about an inch or two, just the right amount of space needed for the tightest part of my throat to grind against him just the way he liked it. And just the way I _loved_ it.

He was gasping for breath above me, but he couldn't catch the air we _both_ needed as his head hung back and smacked into the door behind him. His adam's apple bounced as he swallowed and groaned from the deep-throated pleasure I knew he was feeling.

God, he looked good like this. He didn't have a bad angle, anyway. I almost wanted to _paint_ him and display him to the world under the title 'Look At This Fucking **_Man_** And You Can't Have Him Because Bitch He's Mine.'

 _Fuck me_ , he was attractive. Of course, physically. But listen to me. Listen hard and hear me out _well_.

It wasn't in the way his chest was expanding and closing inwards with every moan as I milked him with my throat. It wasn't in the way my name stumbled from his lips and made my jeans feel tighter than an overwound guitar string. It wasn't in the way his fingers gripped my hair tightly as he _used_ my oesophagus and I swear to god, he was almost down to my collarbones.

But it was in the way.. he just gave so much to my life. It was in the way he stayed up never-too late with Maya whenever she was upset or sick. It was in the way he set his own goals back if it meant he would further other people's instead. It was in the way he never questioned my decisions but trusted them because he _knew_ me. He knew _us._ Our souls were far closer attached than his lower pelvis now was to my lips.

We weren't married. We didn't even want to be, considering it's just an overpriced piece of paper- but he was a _husband_.

A life partner.

A soulmate.

He was the very linings of my heart built with time, love, trust, attention, respect and made it unbreakable; untouchable by anyone else but him and our combined affection for our daughter.

He was close inside me. Both in the way I could almost _taste_ him about to spill down into my lungs and in the way I could feel him within every vessel of my heart. Taehyun confirmed we didn't share any DNA, but I could swear in some way we did with how effortlessly close to him I felt on a spiritual level.

As much as I wanted to choke on him further, as much as he was _right fucking_ there now, I wanted to give him more. This wasn't enough. Too soon. No. Not yet, Kai. You deserve so much more.

I ripped myself back with a noisome sound and saliva drenching my chin as I stared up at him with blurred, tearful eyes and flushed cheeks.

He looked like someone had just thrown ice water all over him from the dragging of my throat around him as I released him; woken up as his soul returned to his body now.

"Beomgyu... Jesus, baby.." his voice was rattled with shaky breaths and I stood up, rushing to get my clothes off.

He helped me. I helped him. Shared responsibility for the oncoming events of the morning.

I pushed him back onto the bed and he used his elbows to further himself up the mattress and I chased him with my thighs, settling them on either side of his hips. Good thing they were so broad under me, I had the best seat in the house.

I leaned forward onto my hands as one of his shot down between us and he positioned himself under me. No preparation. He was wet enough from me already and we'd both had it long figured out that there's no such thing as true preparation for the cataclysmic event of him ripping me open like a 10 Ritcher scale earthquake. Why bother preparing for the worst when you _knew_ you would be left broken, anyway?

I eased myself down upon him and **_fuck_** me, the feeling never got old. We may have been 5 years older since it first happened that hot summer's evening, but when were we both so fully aware that I was so tight and he was so big, it was the first time _every_ time.

Our moans merged together during that first eye-squinting, sheet-clutching meeting of our hips. Just give yourself some time, Beomgyu. Just about 10 or more thrusts and you'll be ready to face the best of this.

It was slow. Torturous. But jaw-droppingly _good_ and fulfilling. Like lowering yourself into the perfect temperature of a bath on a cool, winter's evening. It shot up from your toes right to the tips of your hair as you realized this was everything you've been needing all fucking day- and it was only 9:21 am for me. Baths in the morning were fine. So was sex with him.

I knew the shape and size of him so well now. I knew exactly where along the row of inches I needed to be to bring my hips forward to get his head thrown back; and my own. But it was so dangerous, knowing someone's body _too_ well. So easy to go too fast. Like replaying your favourite level on a video game. You knew how to get to the end, but that wasn't the _point_ , was it?

The air in the room began to lose its crispness as the humidity snuck up on us the more I rocked my hips down upon him. His hands were gripping my waist firmly, guiding me down to meet him every other second and his lower lip got snatched up by his teeth, a smirk ripping across my face as I knew I was doing it just right for him now.

He liked being as deep as possible, and he was. He redefined the phrase 'having your guts rearranged' and I heard a haunting, guttural groan rip up from the deepest pits of his stomach and came erupting out of his throat.

"Nnng.. **_fuck_** , that's deep, baby..."

Oh. He's swearing at me now. That's a rare, golden occurrence.

He kept a 'swear jar' for me to teach me a half-serious lesson in cursing around Maya. Needless to say, it was almost full. But he'd need to make his own contribution to it now.

"Heh.. you're going to have to spare a coin for that jar, Kai.." I grinned down at him

His hands caressed their way up to my chest, fingertips brushing over my nipples and it drew soft, shuddering noises from me and gave a jolting twitch to my arousal between us.

"I'll need to fill it to the top if you keep this up, Beomgyu.." his voice almost threatened me. But two can play at that game.

"Not before you fill me first.." I retorted with an empty laugh and another perfectly angled thrust down upon him, my ass slapping into his hips.

He loaned me another desirable groan and I could feel him swell even _more_ inside from my coupled words and motions. He was starting to lose it now. And I don't mean his physical stamina, but his _patience_. But that's exactly what I wanted, anyway.

"Beomgyu... you're really asking for it.." his eyes narrowed at me now and his hands returned to my hips with an alarming grip. Could have almost bruised. Not that I cared.

"Asking for _what?"_ I _knew_ I was straight up just being a fucking brat to him with the way I took his length in as slowly and deeply as possible. Jesus, was that a _kidney_ he was stabbing now?

I swear he just growled at me in response. Heh. Good. Give into that hard suppressed, domineering nature of yours, Kai. He knew how much of a complete glutton for it I was.

It was my eyebrows that did it. They _always_ did it. That little, 'ooh, you wanna fuck me so bad' look with an arch of either of them was my ultimate weapon with him and _shit-_ I sealed my fate as he shoved me onto my back.

He never apologized for this now. Not a single utterance of 'are you okay' or 'I don't want to hurt you' thrown at me. As previously stated, but warranting a recital- we knew each other _so_ damned well.

"I've had quite enough of you, Beomgyu," he smirked down at me with a firm grip of both my thighs in his large hands and all I could do was try to give an angel's smile in response. But he saw the devil in me and was about to banish him straight back to hell for my blasphemy.

"Good," was a good enough reply and I tried to brace myself for what was coming but he always hit like a Tsunami instead of a large wave I thought I could handle. He was _still_ too much.

Soobin and Yeonjun could probably _hear_ me now. The noises Kai fucked out of me were alarming to the point of wondering if there was something _wrong_ with me. I mean yes, I was being done _so_ wrong now, but it was so right as my head hung back over the very edge of the bed and I just took him without a word of complaint. I was leaking all over my abdomen with every side-splitting thrust, although a small mess in comparison to what was about to come.

Our moans evolved, changing and growing into a tree full of hissing cicadas and immediately sank back down several octaves into those _knowing_ noises that this was only going to last a few more moments with the way my inner thighs were shuddering.

My tightened fist shot down between us, loosening only for a moment to quickly coil its way around myself for a few, sharp, short wrenching pulls just to elevate the high as I began ascending from the pleasure that was beating me further upwards.

Kai's head bowed into my shoulder, even giving it a bite for good measure as he filled me to the brim with an almost never-ending tidal flow of warm, wet waves of the very pinnacle of his pleasure. Then that groan of his, right next to my ear, filling my head as I simultaneously emptied myself between us against our heaving chests with an ozone layer-shattering cry.

I licked the edges of my teeth with a deeply satisfied smirk and a few more rolls of my hips upwards against him and his entire body weight sank down onto me. He'd always been a solid 14kgs or so heavier than me, but with the gravity of our combined pleasure, he just felt heavier and I was pinned under him.

It only took 20 seconds, or maybe it was 20 minutes before he pushed himself up above me, a bead of sweat dripping down his jawline and detached to hit the side of my neck.

"You're very naughty, Beomgyu," he grinned knowingly at me and really, who was I to argue? Guilty as charged.

"You love it," I offered smugly and my guilt became his; he couldn't argue either.

He nuzzled the end of my nose with his own to soften the moment back down and I felt giddy inside from the warm fuzziness that spread across my body like a blanket of cotton candy.

"Shower then back to work?" I asked, fully knowing the answer anyway as Kai nodded at me.

**~**

We ventured back outside after a cleansing shower for two. Soobin and Yeonjun shot their gazes at us, seeming confused as to why we were gone for so long.

"Where have you guys been?" Soobin asked as he lugged a large bag of plums across the yard to place it next to the others.

I was about to answer but I saw Yeonjun's eyes skim over the top of my shoulder that was exposed from my loose-fitting t-shirt. He'd seen the small, fresh bite mark upon me Kai had left and his face broke out into a smirk.

"I see..."

Kai's chest swelled for a moment with apprehension.

"All work and no _play_ makes Beomgyu a dull boy, huh?" Yeonjun spared me only the _slightest_ bit less embarrassment as he eyed up Kai walking off ahead and smacked the side of his ass playfully as he went as if to say he was _proud_ of him.

Yeonjun _was_ a little bit of a bad influence on him at times. Or maybe a 'good' influence, depending on your point of view. But Kai didn't mind Yeonjun's teasing. Kai could tease him betteranyway when he bothered to _try_.

"I don't get it.." Soobin looked _lost_ and just carried on. Although I think he might have cottoned on as Yeonjun grinned at him in a certain manner.

"Just get back to work. This isn't what I pay you for," I grinned at the both of them and made a mental note of how many trees I had to harvest from that day.

Hmm. Enough to keep me busy until I had to pick Maya up from school.

I put on a pair of gloves and the old straw hat Kai gave to me in the end. He got himself another one. I walked down to where Kai was and set to work on a tree beside his own that he was busy with.

"Did you want to come with me to pick Maya up later?"

"Of course I do!" Kai smiled brightly at me across the space between us.

It turned out to be another hot day. Kai and I more than made up for our morning distractions and we were back on track for the harvest. It was now just before 3 pm and I dragged Kai down from his ladder to accompany me in picking up our daughter from school.

Kai looked incredibly nostalgic as we approached the school gates. It was his old elementary school, after all.

"Man, those trees have gotten really big since I came here!" he looked off into the distance at a row of them lining the courtyard.

"I bet you were a cute kid," I grinned as I linked my arm around him as we walked to Maya's class.

"Of course I was cute!" he giggled "Just a bit shy," he added.

The bell rang and a moment later the class door wasn't wide enough to fit the flurry of children that tried to push and shove their way through it like a school of fish trying to escape a net.

In amongst it, Maya came bursting out of it with arms spread as wide as her smile as she ran to us.

"Daddies!!!"

She clung to my left thigh and Kai's right as she bounced on the spot and looked up at us with an overwhelming amount of energy and youth.

"Guess what! Guess what!"

Neither Kai nor I could guess fast enough as she explained herself just a second later.

"I taught _everyone_ how to plant apple trees today! And tulips! And peonies! And tomatoes! And-"

Kai and I briefly looked at each other with a proud smile while she continued down her long list.

"-and I got a gold star for effort!!!" she stuck her little chest out proudly to show the star-shaped golden badge she was given.

"That's amazing, little button! We're so proud of you," Kai beamed at her and gently stroked her hair.

"I know!" she smiled sweetly and a bit smugly. God, she just had Kai and I written _all_ over her sometimes.

We turned to begin walking back to the truck but I heard a small, familiar voice call out from behind us.

"Maya!"

We stopped and turned to the voice, the same little boy who had sneered at Maya that morning was almost bent over his knees from having run so fast suddenly from somewhere.

"What?" Maya said somewhat quietly and had a touch of a shy tone to her.

The brown-haired boy straightened up and held out a small white flower to Maya in his dirt-covered hands.

"This is for you.." the boy also looked shy now and my eyes met Kai's with a knowing glance.

Maya stared down at the flower for a long time until, to my surprise, she stuck her nose up at it.

"Your hand is dirty.." she said in a sassy little matter-of-fact way and pivoted on the spot and began walking away behind us.

"Oh.." the boy trailed off and looked saddened.

Kai and I chased up behind her, trying not to giggle.

"Maya, that wasn't very nice.." I whispered to her, but she wore a little smile on herself now.

"I know he likes me. I can tell. But I don't want _him_ to know that I like him too. That's no fun!... _And_ boys are **_yucky_** anyway!!"

Kai and I just couldn't stop the laughter that rang from both of us as we both recalled some very similar situations from 6 years ago between us when we first met.

It seemed like time hadn't just kept ticking, but it also sometimes repeated itself.

**~**

It was almost 8 pm. The sun was down and I had just finished drying Maya from her bath and dressed her in her pajamas. She ran off into the kitchen to latch onto Kai's leg with a loud "Goodnight, daddy Kai!!!" and he knelt down to kiss her cheek softly.

"Goodnight, little button! Sweet dreams."

She ran back down the hallway and straight into her room, bouncing up on her bed for a few moments before diving into her sheets. How did she still have so much energy? I got tired just watching her.

I tucked her bedding in around her and leaned down to give her forehead a kiss and handed her one of her favourite plushies that Kai had gifted her not long after she was born; a large, soft white rabbit with a blank little expression upon its face.

"Have a good sleep, baby bear. I love you," I smiled at her softly and stood up to leave but she was calling out to me already.

"Can you read me a story? Pleeeeeease?" she begged and of course, I couldn't deny her.

I was happy to have the time to read to her, unlike my father who had been so busy due to the court case with my grandfather and the family business. I had no distractions to make Maya hate time like I once had.

I circled back around her room and she flicked her bedside lamp on as I began looking through the books on her bookcase next to the piano. I had read every single book probably a dozen times to her already.

But at the very end of a row, I saw a book that I hadn't noticed before.

I pulled it out slowly and gently whispered the title out loud to myself.

"Black Orchid.."

I blinked as I looked it over slowly. The thing looked handmade. The spine of the book was sewn up with garden string and the off-white pages looked recycled under the handwritten words inside. The cover had a dried black orchid flower pressed and glued down to the front. It looked exactly like the variety sitting in our living room that belonged to Kai.

"Hurry up, daddyyyyyy!!" Maya groaned out impatiently from behind me and I blinked out of my own thoughts as I walked back to her bed with the book in hand.

I sat down on the edge of her bed and Maya shuffled upwards with large, intrigued eyes as she waited for me to begin with a tight squeeze to her rabbit toy. I pulled the cover open and cleared my throat as I began reading the first page.

**_"Once upon a time, far, far away on a magic island, there lived an Angel."_ **

My eyes widened at the first line and I think I was more interested in this story far more than Maya was.

**_"The Angel lived in a garden. He had lots of flowers. He spent all day watering and talking to them. He was so happy with his life."_ **

Was this.... did Kai... _write_ this..?

"I love angels! And flowers too!" Maya piped up as she awaited more of the story.

I gave another little clear of my throat before continuing.

**_"One day, the Angel noticed he had a new flower in his garden that wasn't there the day before. A little black orchid. It was such a pretty flower, but instead of leaves, it had thorns growing out of it! 'That's very strange' the Angel thought to himself."_ **

I swallowed hard as I began to get a very knowing feeling of where this story was going.

**_"The little black orchid sat in a corner by itself. It looked lonely. Sad. And a bit grumpy- Grrr."_ **

Maya giggled at my side "Silly grumpy flower!"

**_"Even though the black orchid was an angry little thing, the Angel decided to take care of it, anyway! He watered and talked to it every day. But the little black orchid still wasn't growing very much. It was still small and wilted."_ **

"Aww noooo. I hope the little black orchid will be okay..." Maya pouted slightly at my side now.

**_"The Angel didn't quite know what to do. The little black orchid didn't seem to like being spoken to or watered very much like his other flowers did. What's an Angel to do?!"_ **

God, Kai, you _did_ write this, didn't you?

I gave a small sigh as I turned the page to start the next.

**_"The Angel decided he wouldn't let little black orchid's silence bother him, so he kept talking to it! Hoping one day it might say something back. Until finally it did!"_ **

Please don't tell me you're going to write that the black orchid tells the angel to fuck off, Kai, God.

**_"The Angel found out that the little black orchid wasn't used to growing alone! It used to live off the huge tree across the sea! But the waters were dangerous. Little black orchid couldn't make it back home. He was stuck with the Angel on the magic island. And he didn't like it! No he didn't! Not one bit!"_ **

Maya was giggling again and I, too, was beginning to smile at the words now.

**_"The Angel could tell that little black orchid just wanted to go home. But he could see that the big tree he used to live off hadn't made little black orchid grow very well. He was so small. The Angel decided he would do his very best to make sure that little black orchid could grow to be big and strong!"_ **

My throat tightened and I had to pause. I didn't want to cry in front of Maya. Children are full of too many questions sometimes when faced with an adult crying.

**_"It wasn't an easy job for the Angel to get little black orchid to grow! It yelled and screamed at the Angel a lot! But with a bit of time. A bit of patience. A bit of understanding. And a bit of love. The Angel soon figured out that the little black orchid couldn't grow in the same way his other flowers did! The little black orchid needed a 'special touch'."_ **

"This is reaalllly cuuuuute!!" Maya snuggled up into my side as I was still fighting off tears.

**_"So the Angel watered him with 'magic' water, only found in the rivers of the island. And soon, little black orchid began to lose all those hard, spiky thorns! He started growing flowers instead!"_ **

"Yaaayyy. Go little black orchid! You can do it!!" Maya cheered now.

**_"The Angel and little black orchid were happy. Until the next day, the big storm from across the sea arrived."_ **

"Oh nooo.." Maya sunk back down, now looking a bit scared of what was to come.

**_"The storm was powerful and destructive. The Angel knew it was coming, but he hoped he had made little black orchid big and tough to survive the storm. But little black orchid's roots weren't strong enough to hold onto the magic island, and he was swept back out to sea to the tree where he came from."_ **

"Awww... this is a sad story, daddy..." Maya pouted next to me, hiding behind her rabbit.

"It'll get better.." I smiled knowingly as I carried on.

**_"The Angel was so upset that little black orchid left. He cried. He sulked. He stayed inside his house for months. The rest of his garden was so lifeless without his little black orchid around now."_ **

I sighed slightly as I turned the page again, all those horrid memories were back in the forefront of my mind.

**_"Little black orchid returned to his big tree and began to live off it again. But the more he tried to keep growing, the more he realized that this big tree didn't have that special, magical touch to it like the garden on the island had. He had stopped growing. Little black orchid was sad. He missed his Ange-"_ **

I cut myself short as I had to give myself a moment. A few tears were rolling down my cheeks but I kept facing away from Maya.

"What's wrong, daddy?" her little voice soothed me as she touched my arm and I swallowed down the lump in my throat with a few moments of silence.

"Nothing, baby bear, I'm okay.."

I took in a deep breath as I continued.

**_"A whole year later, little black orchid was trying to climb to the top of the tree. He decided he wanted to be King of it! He was almost at the top branch now! But he was so thirsty from all the climbing. He stopped to take a little break."_ **

I turned the page once more, curious to how Kai was going to tell this part of the story.

**_"While little black orchid was resting, a different Angel was flying by in the sky. This Angel noticed little black orchid was thirsty, so he watered him. Little black orchid noticed that the water had the same taste as the 'magic' water on the island and it made him grow just the tiniest bit! He couldn't stand the thought of climbing this big tree just to be King now. He knew it couldn't turn him into a big, strong flower like his Angel had! So he swam back across the sea as fast as he could to the magic island!"_ **

"YAAAYY!! Go home, little black orchid!!" Maya cheered again next to me but I looked thoughtfully at the words "a different Angel" Kai had written.

Had he really known that Oscar was... or... could have been... a...

I sighed and gave up on that thought, carrying on once more.

**_"Little black orchid arrived home! Finally! And his Angel had been there waiting for him the whole time, hoping he would return! They spent many years together in their garden. Planting all new flowers together and little black orchid grew even more! They even had a little white orchid in the garden with them now. And she was the prettiest and happiest flower of them all!"_ **

"That's me! That's me!! _I'm_ pretty and happy!!" Maya giggled and I dropped the book to tickle her. I think I had reached the end of the book, anyway.

"Thank you for reading to me, daddy!" she smiled brightly and I stood up to turn her lamp off.

"You're always welcome, baby bear."

I leaned down to kiss her forehead again and I kept the book in my hands as I walked out of her room and closed the door.

I stood in the hallway just staring down at the cover until I smiled and looked back up towards the kitchen.

You have some explaining to do, Kai.

I walked out into the kitchen and heard Kai out in his conservatory, sorting through some pottery. I leaned in the doorway as I silently watched him, waiting for him to notice me, but he was so preoccupied.

"So.." I started and he turned around to look at me with curious eyes.

"On top of all the _other_ things you're so good at.." I paused as I held the book up "you're an author too?"

His eyes moved knowingly over the cover and dropped them away from me with a coy smile.

"Oh, so you finally found it.." he said quietly as he shuffled some of his vases around on a table.

I stepped into the conservatory now and sat on the edge of the table he was busy at.

"When did you write this?"

He stopped what he was doing and sat down next to me on the table, taking the book from my hands as he looked over it thoughtfully.

"About 2 years ago in the middle of the night. When Maya caught that bad cold."

I remembered the night. Kai got no sleep but he insisted I did so he could keep an eye on Maya.

"... Why did you write this?"

He smiled at the cover and slowly flicked through the pages as his eyes looked nostalgic.

"I wanted to tell Maya the story of our lives together in a way that she could understand. When she's old enough to be given the full story about yourself, me and her mother.. I want her to refer to this book, hoping she can understand it all just a _little_ bit better."

He closed the book and handed it back to me, his eyes tracing my face slowly, affectionately.

"Plus, it seemed like a story worth telling."

I dropped my eyes from him to the book with a smile and became curious about a few things within the story.

"So.. why do you refer to yourself as an angel in this? Are you _really_ one?" I grinned at him, but God, I was ever so slightly serious.

His eyes dropped from mine now with a small smile. "And if I am..?"

.....

"... You-"

He suddenly burst out laughing to disrupt me. "Wouldn't that be a plot twist!"

... Yes. Yes, it would be.

Stop thinking about it, Beomgyu. It's just going to give you a headache.

"And.." I shuffled around slightly, looking at the dried flower on the cover. "Why am I referred to as a _black_ orchid? Is it because it's the only colour I wear?" I grinned.

Kai's eyes softened at me and he took my wrist in his hand. "Come with me."

I was led back into the house and he walked us into the living area in front of the cabinet where his black orchid plant still sat.

"I know it may not look like it, but this orchid is around 45 years old. If not older."

"Wow.. that's.. pretty old for a house plant.." I eyed it up as I stepped closer to it.

"Orchids can live up to around 100 years if looked after properly. Your grandfather.. _gifted_ it to my grandmother not long after they met," Kai smiled at the plant, delicately touching some of its lime green leaves with his fingertips.

"My grandmother loved it so much, she even got it tattooed onto her."

His fingers lifted to the edge of my neck and traced a small flower pattern against it as if to ghost the image of his grandmother's tattoo onto me. I couldn't help but shiver at his touch, even though he was telling a serious story.

"The reason I compare yourself in the book to a black orchid is that at around the same time you moved in next door, my grandmother gave me this orchid to look after since she couldn't anymore."

I blinked at him and then back to the flower. It still didn't make too much sense but Kai continued.

"At first, I really struggled to get this plant to grow. Even though my grandmother gave me specific instructions, it wasn't all that straight-forward. It almost died at one point."

Kai's fingertips lifted to the edges of the orchids flowers, tracing them softly and slowly with a far-off smile from his memories.

"You already know this from the day of our picnic, but Orchids are very difficult to grow indoors. But it got easier with time."

Kai turned back to me now, his fingers moving from the little faces of the orchid flowers to my own and cupped my cheeks as he looked down at me.

"The more I learnt about how to get an orchid growing, the easier it became for me to get _you_ to grow too."

I smiled softly, my eyes watering as I leaned into his warm palms.

"You _both_ just required a special touch that only time could achieve. I learned that time is such a.."

His smile deepened along with his eyes and I fell deep into both of them as I awaited the remainder of his sentence.

".. it's a _beautiful_ thing, Beomgyu. Time has allowed me to watch you become the man you are today. It's allowed me to watch Maya grow alongside you. I couldn't be prouder of either of you."

I closed my eyes and bowed my head into his chest, his arms drawing me closer and held me silently as my memories consumed me right down to the very last molecule.

"Thank you, Kai," I whispered out to him.

I didn't know what I was specifically thankful for. Maybe just for _everything_.

He was right. My opinion on time had changed too. It _was_ a beautiful thing. I no longer wanted to freeze it. I no longer wanted to rewind it. I embraced the fact that it just kept going. It was what I _did_ with time now, rather than worry about it, that became far more important.

I turned my head against Kai's chest and looked at the black orchid, thinking about how much of a pain in the ass it _and_ me would have been to see grow.

But as much as I knew time was a beautiful thing, I also knew that there is _no_ growth without pain. You had to take the stairs, not the elevator to turn over that new leaf.

I stepped back from Kai and he offered me a loving kiss against my forehead before walking into the kitchen to ready a pot of rose tea. I looked back down at the book I was still holding, idly flicking through the pages of the story until I noticed I had actually missed a page. The very last. I thought I had gotten to the end of it. Did Kai write some kind of plot twist?

My eyes moved over the single sentence written and my heart flourished with life as I smiled at it.

No.

It wasn't a plot twist.

Just the undeniable fact of how our story was _truly_ going to end.

I whispered the final line of the book out loud to myself as I looked up at Kai dropping the roses into the teapot.

"And they lived happily ever after."

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author's notes are now up! Please go to the next chapter to read, if you're interested in a deeper, larger view of the story ^^


	33. Author's Notes

Okay.

Right.

Okay.

.....

Where the _fuck_ do I start?

There's a lot to unpack here. So please be patient. (I mean, you made it to the end of this book, so _of course,_ you have patience). Let me try to gather the very last of my brain cells to write these notes.

 **Music:** So, as the tags describe, this story was (mostly) inspired by music. Some of the song choices included in this book are far, far, faaaar deeper than I think you all realize. Some are just there because they suit the situation at the time, but some are incredibly philosophical. Let me list off a few that are the most meaningful.

 ** _All Out Of Love- Air Supply-_** This favourite song of Beomgyu's father appears at 3 different points in the story. I wanted to emphasize that (the actual) Beomgyu has said, at several points in time, that his love for music has mostly come from his father. And one of the bands he said his father likes is Air Supply. So it felt fitting to include one of the songs from their discography. My mother listened to this band a lot too, so I grew up with a similar musical influence from my own parents.

 ** _Heartless- The Weeknd-_** In the early chapters, this song _very_ much describes Beomgyu's mentality. The thing I absolutely **_adore_** about this song is that the artist is boasting about this carefree, give-no-fucks, money-is-life existence. But amidst it, there's an incredibly eye-opening moment within the lyrics:

 _I lost my heart and my mind_ _  
__I try to always do right_ _  
__I thought I lost you this time_ _  
__You just came back in my life_ _  
__You never gave up on me_ _  
__I'll never know what you see_ _  
__I don't do well when alone_ _  
__You hear it clear in my tone_

But then the song goes back to admitting that this lifestyle is what he's chosen and _keeps living_ like that, especially emphasized with the line "And I'm back to my ways, cause I'm heartless."

This is exactly what Beomgyu does in the early chapters. He's being such a little asshole, deep down he knows that he is, but it's still not enough at this point to make a shift in himself.

As a sidenote- this is one of the reasons I have a huge amount of respect for The Weeknd. In _a lot_ of his songs, they're often about describing his lavish lifestyle, but also addresses within the songs that he _knows_ it's hurting him living like that. Not.. many artists do that. Mad respect. Outside of Tomorrow x Together, he is an artist I listen to a lot.

 ** _Rockstar- Post Malone-_** Oh boy. Buckle up, please. Just _listen_. This is a deep one.

Not only did I include this song because Beomgyu likes Post Malone, but Rockstar is a masterpiece if you sit down and dissect it and it's probably the most important song included in the entire book.

Yet again, it's another song about an artist boasting about his 'rockstar' lifestyle. But here's the thing... HERE'S THE THING:

Post Malone and the featured artist 21 Savage are sending an eery, deeply introspective message within this song. Yes, they are boasting about their life-style, but if you take the lyrics away and just listen to the instrumental.. It is sad. Minor key. Dreary. Dead. And here's the reason:

The lyrics 'I feel just like a Rockstar' aren't as simple and straightforward as you think. The thing about some very famous rockstars in the past (and present) is that the 'Rockstar' lifestyle has often led to these artists killing themselves, intentionally or otherwise.

In the song, a few past Rock stars are referenced. 'Morrison'- who is more formally known as Jim Morrison. His rockstar lifestyle led him down a dark road, which eventually ended in his death by heroin overdose due to the life he was living.

The other rock star referenced via the lyrics "Shit was legendary, threw a TV out the window of the Montage" is a reference to the rock star Keith Moon, who led an _incredibly_ self-destructive lifestyle. He also died by drug overdose. It's also something I include Beomgyu to have done (throwing his TV into the pool during his birthday party) to emphasize this very important fact-

Beomgyu is living a self-destructive lifestyle that will have eventually probably led to his own death if he kept his antics and binge drinking up the way he did.

So what Post Malone is saying, in the simplest context: A 'rockstar' is someone who ends up dying because of self-destructive behaviour. "I feel just like a rockstar" is him eerily trying to say "I feel like I'm killing myself living like this."

Boom.

A masterpiece of a song. I'm not even kidding. Big brained shit.

The lyrics I include from the song:

_You know you are not hard_

Is what Beomgyu reacts to the most while he's drunk.

Yes. He knows he's not 'hard' (cool) trying to live the rockstar lifestyle. He knows he's nothing at this point, underneath it all. He _knows_ he is being self-destructive.

The song ends with some very distorted, drunken, drugged-up kind of vibes. This is beautifully fitting to when Beomgyu's looking out past all the people to his backyard and has that drunken yet mind-sobering moment of realization that the overgrown mess of the garden is an image of what his mind looks like.

If you didn't listen to it- go do it. It will put you _so_ much deeper into Beomgyu's mentality in those critical early chapters of what's going on inside his head. The song inspired pretty much all of Beomgyu's tendencies before Kai starts to slowly eat them up.

 ** _Saturday Nights- Khalid ft. Kane Brown-_** This is the first song Kai sings to Beomgyu the night Beomgyu's father leaves after giving him another chance at fixing the garden. This song's purpose isn't as deep as the previous two, but it's still important for a few reasons.

The first is that it's not.. _Really_ a love song. It's not Kai admitting his romantic feelings. The words "I love you" aren't present in it. BUT, more importantly, the words "I care about you" are there. Kai is letting Beomgyu know that he's aware that he's hurting. He's aware that Beomgyu doesn't _truly_ want his help yet- but he wants to let Beomgyu know that he's there for him, anyway.

The other reason is that the featured artist Kane Brown- is a _country_ singer. The songs Kai sings in this book had to have a _little_ bit of a country vibe to them- since he's a country boy, after all ^-^

 ** _Black Coffee- Edo Lee-_** This is the chill pop(?) song that Angela plays during the scene where Beomgyu is at her house. This song has a few metaphorical meanings to it. It's essentially lyric-less and as Beomgyu describes it 'more of a backdrop than a focal point'. This is on purpose. It summarizes the Beomgyu/Angela... thing. It's not important at the time, kind of like the song isn't. There is another important meaning behind the words 'Black Coffee' that I will delve deeper into shortly in another section of these notes.

 ** _Sway- Bic Runga & Find My Way- Six60- _**Not only were both of these songs fitting during the scenes they're included in, but they're also by artists who hail from my home country of New Zealand.

I don't quite know how to explain this, but.. Through Kai, subtly, there's a bit of home-pride going on. He knows his little slice of heaven in the outskirts is amazing and he wouldn't trade it for the world. And this is also something that I feel about my own country. I love my country very much. And I wanted to share with you all some music that has come from here while I was writing this story. New Zealand is full of some incredibly talented musicians. The band I know personally, Six60, write some very healing music. So healing. Like a giant fucking band-aid. I love them all so much.

That's it for covering the music in this story. Here's a link to the youtube playlist of the songs in their respective order. Think of it as something of the soundtrack to this work. You can, almost, _hear_ the story being told and hear Beomgyu's growth from beginning to end within the songs:

[Black Orchid playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf1S7dSMWPU&list=PLt8TWQKiGm8HhzuYr_MzQ2olP6HqM8LgC)

**_Geographical location of the setting-_** I don't confirm a specific location within the story. I suppose maybe some of you assume that the 'city' Beomgyu is from is Daegu, South Korea.

Nope.

Not even close.

This story is set in a western country. This may be obvious with the western names given to the original/extra characters.

The city Beomgyu is from is Los Angeles. For two reasons:

1- The name 'Los Angeles' is Spanish for 'The Angels'

2- Two of the nicknames for Los Angeles is the 'City Of Flowers and Sunshine' and the 'City of Angels'.

The existence of angels within this story is something that becomes more and more heavily pondered by Beomgyu. It also being a city of flowers and sunshine is somewhat a reference to Kai.

But the deeper meaning here- Los Angeles is, unfortunately, becoming known for its pollution. The city has some very bad smog issues. It's becoming toxic. The 'angels' in this story all live within it at some point or another. Kai and Oscar are the only two who really seem to notice that it's not as nice of a place as it was once perceived. It's kind of ironic, really, that Kai can't stand this 'city of angels'. He finds peace on the outskirts, instead. In a _way_ , he's seen as a fallen angel.

The 'outskirts' area is also a place I based on an actual location. It's a small town about 2 and a half hours south-east of L.A, called _Julian_.

Julian very much represents the kind of place where Beomgyu is left. It's very desolate. The older population mostly reside there. It's very hot. It's very _dry_. Doesn't get much rain. Very prone to _fires_. Are you.. Are you getting the idea behind why I chose this place now? Lol

But it's also just... so fucking nice. It's that little piece of heaven _away_ from heaven- not a city of angels but a _village_ of angels.

 ** _'Given The Wings To Fly' quote-_** When Beomgyu first gets to the house with his father, the following dialogue takes place:

_"We've had quite enough of your selfish antics lately. It's time you learned how to stand on your own two feet."_

_"Tch" I scoffed at him. What would he know? He was born into wealth just like I had been. "And you haven't learned that yourself after grandfather gave you his company?!"_

_"I may have been given the wings to fly, Beomgyu, but I still had to stay in the air through my own means."_

The last sentence Beomgyu's father says to him is a reference to Tomorrow x Together's 'privilege'. I believe Soobin says it during an interview? I could be wrong. But he basically says that TXT _know_ they have BTS'/Big Hit's privilege, but that they need to stay in the air through their own means even though they have been given wings to fly initially. I just... I love that. Really. Beautiful words. And the quote and meaning were incredibly fitting to Beomgyu's situation at the time and I just _really_ wanted to use it.

 ** _Beomgyu and cars-_** Well. Maybe this should be obvious. Beomgyu likes cars. So does his father. Seems obvious to me that his father is where his love for them sprouted. So it is the reason why the family company in this book is an automotive one. I, also, personally have an interest in them. I really enjoyed writing the scenes where Beomgyu is driving his car. And writing him _enjoying_ driving it- because I know the feeling all too well.

Also, at a few points in time, I use the term 'redlining'. It's a car term. If you aren't a car person, I don't think it makes much sense. 'Redlining' means to get either the speedometer or the rev meter needles all the way to the red line at the end of the scale; maxed out. 'Redlining' means to reach your vehicle's limits in terms of either speed or revs. There. Have some useless information lol.

Now to something a bit more interesting while we're on the subject. Beomgyu's specific car _is_ based off an actual one. An Audi E Tron GT. It's actually a concept car (not meant to be driven). But when I was researching what to base Beomgyu's car off of, this thing just fucking _screamed_ the name 'Beomgyu' to me. It's a beast. So sexy. Christ. Sorry. The car enthusiast is jumping out. Here are a few photos for reference:

**_Beomgyu's drinking-_** While Beomgyu is drinking he notices that the alcohol has something of a 'sobering' effect on his mind. Now.. I don't know how much sense this will make to people. But, speaking from personal experience, it's a very real thing.

Some people might find that drinking actually makes them forget about their lives, but sometimes, it can make certain minds just think about it _more_. It's something that happens to me. I don't always like it. Depends on what state my mind is in before I start drinking.

But it's also something I drew from with AGUST-D'S (Min Yoongi's) song _Honsool_. Honsool translated from Korean means 'drinking alone'. The whole song revolves around him having some pretty sobering thoughts while being drunk. This is specifically prevalent in the lyrics: _As I slowly get intoxicated, let's try to be honest about my life_.

I wanted to reveal an often hidden aspect to alcoholism within this story. Drinking doesn't always hide your life but can sometimes shine an unwanted spotlight on it.

 ** _Mirrors_** \- Mostly during the first half of the story, Beomgyu is seen observing himself in the mirror, in one way or another. This is a reference to Maze In The Mirror. Beomgyu is kind of associated with mirrors. In the Eternally MV he is met with a wall of them and he obviously wrote Maze In The Mirror too.

The lyrics within the song "I surrender in front of the mirror again, it's too dark here, my delicate shoulders, neither can I hide nor straighten them" are very self-reflective. It's why at one point while Beomgyu is looking at himself that he feels dissatisfied with his shoulders. He wants them to be wider to fill the space in the mirror more. He's subconsciously saying that he wants to be 'bigger' or to 'grow' more. And not just in the physical sense.

Of course, he doesn't really openly admit to this. But it is the point he's trying to make.

 ** _Beomgyu's dreams-_** To some they may seem weird, but to those who follow the +u, it's obvious that this is a reference to Beomgyu's characteristics within the +u. Beomgyu is known for having thorns or tree roots coming out of his shoulder.

The dreams he has about these thorns/roots coming out of him slowly change as the story progresses. Because he's growing as the story progresses. The thorns/roots slowly become plant or flower shoots. And eventually, at the end, he blooms flowers from his 'growth'.

The last dream he has where he sees a white orchid bud sprouting from himself is indeed a foreshadowing of Maya being born. Hence why when the bud 'talks' to Beomgyu in his dream- it has 3 voices. His own, Angela's _and_ Kai's. Because Maya is related to all of them.

 ** _Beomgyu's mentality described-_** Well.. his early mentality could just be described as avoidant and angry. But underneath it all, there's a much bigger thing going on.

Beomgyu suffers from 'Inferiority Complex'- which is a mental disorder specifically described as such: _'_ _An unrealistic feeling of general inadequacy caused by actual or supposed inferiority in one sphere, sometimes marked by aggressive behaviour in compensation.'_

This is very obvious when Beomgyu doesn't take too kindly to Kai's advice from digging things up incorrectly. It's why he _hates_ Taehyun's initial comments to him over his physical appearance. And when Beomgyu's father comes over and smacks him, telling him _and_ Kai that he is basically nothing. But when Kai tries to comfort him, he becomes aggressive. As stated above, instead of admitting that there's a problem, aggressive behaviour can come out instead in the form of denial.

In the tags, I include 'denial of feelings'- and this is a big one because it's _not_ just the denial of romantic feelings towards Kai, but the denial of his feelings towards pretty much _everything_.

He denies liking Kai, he denies that he's inferior, he denies that he has a problem with the way he lives his life. And it's only through those mind-sobering drunken moments and when his father calls him out that he knows he's living a lie.

From what I know, Inferiority Complex is a very difficult thing to overcome. It's very hard to go from feeling like you're nothing to _something_.

Because Kai could see Beomgyu was in pain and wasn't just a dick, it's what assisted him in helping him open up his mind and heart. He could see the pain through the anger. Pain is often what causes anger. The typical life cycle of pain is this:

Fear- Anger- Hate- Suffering.

Fearing something can make you angry because you feel inferior for feeling scared. Anger makes you hate things. Hating things leads to your own suffering because of the horrid emotions you fill yourself with.

So the next time you come across someone like that early Beomgyu in your lives- take a step back and think- Is this person really just an asshole? Or are they in pain and need help? Keep an open mind to it and never take _anything_ at face value. You never know what's really going on under the surface. Some people just need 'a special touch'.

Writing this kind of Beomgyu was both incredibly fun but _hard_. The hardest thing for me as the author of this was tracking Beomgyu's growth. I always had to triple check, every single chapter, to make sure Beomgyu wasn't reaching moments of realization _too_ fast. Extreme changes like the ones he undergoes do _not_ just happen overnight.

So the changes in him were subtle and slow. And as it's stated at the end of the final chapter- "There is no growth without pain. You had to take the stairs, not the elevator to turn over that new leaf."

'By stairs, not elevators'- ringing any bells?

It's the title of an article written regarding Tomorrow x Together's growth. I had to include it. Not only is it true for TXT but it's true for Beomgyu in this story.

 ** _Beomgyu and Kai's houses-_** The houses that Kai and Beomgyu initially live next door to each other in are actually based off of some real houses. Beomgyu's house has the same physical layout that _my_ neighbour's house has. And Kai's house has the same layout that my own does ^-^ I have a conservatory attached to the back of my house which overlooks the garden. No, I don't do pottery, but the conservatory is filled with plants!

And no. I'm _not_ in love with my neighbour. His name is John and he's a 50-year-old man who lives alone with his 2 cats and he likes to keep it that way. But we do share conversations over the fence during summer. I sometimes bake bread and bring him over some or he shares some of his vegetables with me. I plan to make him Christmas cookies this year too! I know he likes them ^-^

It's always nice to have a good relationship with your neighbours. My friendly relationship with my neighbour _partially_ inspired the neighbour situation between Beomgyu and Kai in the first half of this book.

 ** _Plants-_** Some of my readers have actually said to me that they're surprised how much research I had to do on plants for this story. Well.. I didn't really, actually ^^ I've had an interest in raising plants for the past couple of years and I really enjoy it. All of the knowledge Kai passes onto Beomgyu about plants wasn't researched. It's just knowledge that I already know. Yes, I'm a plant nerd, shut up. You learned something though, didn't you? ;)

 ** _Beomgyu's and Kai's garden-_** I figure it's a good idea to share a few photos of what their gardens actually look like, just so you all can imagine it a bit better. This is what's known as your typical 'Cottage garden'. Personally, my favourite type. Within these images are the exact same plants that they actually plant in the story. Gorgeous, right?

**_The meaning behind food and beverage-_** So, in the simplest context in this story, Beomgyu is very much compared to a plant. Or an Orchid, as Kai likes to tell him. There are several points in time where Beomgyu has reactions to food and drinks within this story. And this is in direct correlation to the idea that he is a plant.

Plants need a good environment to grow. Not only do they need the correct amount of sunlight, but what's in their soil is also important. It's where they draw their nutrients from to grow.

Beomgyu starts to like tomatoes. He likes Kai's food and the rose tea. This nutrient 'soil' that Kai gives to him, allows him to grow. It's the best kind of soil a plant like Beomgyu can get.

I love rose tea, personally. Rose tea has very relaxing properties to it and it helps Beomgyu let his guard down in this book.

There's also another important meaning here regarding rose tea, but more to do with Beomgyu's memory of the taste of it when he's about to sign his CEO contract.

Let me tell you a personal story.

When I was growing up, I was very close to one of my aunt's. She was like a second mother to me. She died when I was 12. And a few years ago, I was walking out of a store and a woman walked past me. She was wearing the exact same perfume that my aunt used to wear. And the scent of it acted like a time machine. I broke down into tears and I _hugged_ the woman and almost fainted from the overwhelming amount of emotions and memories it brought on. I felt like I was in front of my aunt again. I felt like I was 12 once more and my aunt was alive all with the scent of her perfume. Weird? Not really.

Both scent _and_ flavour of things live in a very special part of your brain that is the biggest emotional memory section within the entire brain, itself. Scent and flavour can make memories of what they're associated with **_incredibly_** vivid.

It's why I basically thought this random woman was my late aunt. And it's why Beomgyu is transported back in time through his mind with the flavour of the rose tea Oscar gives to him. It's the _closest_ he feels to Kai during their time apart. And it is what _truly_ triggers his need to get back to him.

The human brain, man. Scent, flavour and memories. Don't underestimate their connection.

Now to what I was going to say about 'Black Coffee'.

Black coffee in this story is very symbolic of what sums up Beomgyu and Angela's relationship with each other. Black coffee is what Angela gives to Beomgyu on a few different occasions.

Black coffee (and I'm going to be incredibly hypocritical here, because I _live_ off of black coffee. Shut up. Stop looking at me like that. Yes, you. Stop that. Just listen to me)- it's bad for you.

It can pick you up momentarily, but prolonged ingestion of it isn't going to fix anything. It's just addictive. Sometimes you wake up and think to yourself ' _Why_ am I even drinking this, when I know in the long run, it won't help?'

And this is what Beomgyu thinks about his one-night stand with Angela.

Black coffee is represented in this story as a one-off thing that won't help you. It makes you feel good for a short amount of time, but in the end, you feel quite bad on the inside from having it.

Rose tea is good for you. It relaxes you. It detoxes you. It's safe to consume over long periods of time. It's one of the most beneficial drinks in the world.

Black coffee= Beomgyu/Angela.

Rose tea= Beomgyu/Kai

... I put way too much thought into that concept. But hey. Now you know things are so much deeper than you thought, hmm?

And no, I'm not going to give up my black coffee. Most of this story was written due to its assistance to keep me the fuck awake. But I also enjoyed rose tea while writing it too. It was a good combination in the long run.

 ** _Button-_** So, two different reasons Kai gives Beomgyu this nickname.

1- Beomgyu owns a black t-shirt (and I think a long-sleeved shirt too) that has the white writing BUTTON written on the front of it. He wears them _a lot_.

2- The word 'button' is similar to what Hueningkai calls Beomgyu- Jjokkomi- the Korean word meaning 'tiny and cute', which is essentially what a button also is. So whenever Kai in the story calls him 'button'.. Hehe.. he's just calling him tiny and cute. It's also why he calls Maya 'little button'- a tinier, cuter version of Beomgyu. I didn't want to use the word 'jjokkomi' in this, because it's a Korean word and the characters in this story are set in L.A. They don't know Korean. 'Button' seemed very fitting in its place.

Beomgyu, you _are_ tiny and cute. And your distaste towards the word 'jjokkomi' in reality and towards the word 'button' in this story just makes you even tinier and cuter for it. Hueningkai would agree with me on this one. I have no doubt. Sorry, Beom. You don't get a say in the matter ^-^

 ** _Beomgyu's indirect approach-_** One of my readers left a comment as to why Beomgyu doesn't directly apologize to Angela for his toxic behaviour towards her. He never openly says 'sorry'. And this is due to a very specific personality trait of Beomgyu's.

He often shows gratitude or apologetic natures in very indirect ways.

He wanted to apologise to Kai for snapping at him after his father left. But instead of saying "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that" he instead assists Kai with getting his pottery business up and running properly.

He could have said to Angela at her funeral during his speech that he was sorry for the way he treated her. But instead, he says that he will make sure their daughter never grows up to be like the man he used to be. This is an indirect apology. It's Beomgyu's own way of admitting to his mistakes and learning from them.

He takes care of people 'quietly'. I'm a bit like this, myself. If ever I've fucked up in a big way, I _do_ find it difficult to admit to my wrongs. Instead I apologize by getting the person a coffee or just hanging out to listen to their worries. Or even just a silent hug or a squeeze of the person's hand.

Please don't be harsh on us lol. Saying sorry is a lot harder than some people realize it is. But it's always nice to find friends who understand your love language.

 ** _Kai's address-_** 1408 Apricus Road. The numbers are Hueningkai's birthday. The word 'Apricus' is the Latin word meaning: sunny, abundance of sunshine, warmed by, open to the sun. This of course is in relation to Kai's sunshine personality in this story.

 ** _Time and Blue Hour references-_** Some of the references might be obvious. Some maybe not so much. Beomgyu's relationship with time in the story is almost a mirror image of what Beomgyu in TXTs songs are, and probably by extension, his relationship to it within the +u.

Beomgyu hates time because he's scared of it. His initial hatred for it stems from when he was a child. Waiting all those hours for his father to come home from work to read him a bedtime story. Because 'time' is something Beomgyu's father never really had for him, he grew to hate it. Time is almost a representation of 'love' in this story.

He's thinking "Dad never gave me time. He never gave me love. I hate time. I hate love. I don't want either of them."

Beomgyu's lines in certain songs also reveal that time is something that he struggles with. For example-

Runaway: 'When the night is nearly ending, rewind the clock. Rewind now.'

Blue Hour: 'Freeze this moment/freeze the time.' And 'My time machine, dusk turning dark. I know that the end will come.'

Beomgyu hates the fact that time just keeps ticking. He wants to stop it before things get too painful. He knows from experience as a child that the continuous ticking of the hands of the clock just prolonged his pain from waiting for his father. He wants time to stop. Because the longer it keeps going, the more pain he feels from it.

But, as it's stated in the final chapter, he eventually comes to understand that time is not always painful. It's healing. It's growth-inducing. It is what he _does_ with time that changes his opinion of it. He's finally able to see that with _time_ he grows through embracing it. Yes, time was painful for him, but as he said, there is no growth without pain. There is no growth without time. They are interwound.

The other Blue Hour references is Beomgyu wondering whether or not he should 'stay'. Coming directly from the lyrics 'I wanna stay'. He realizes that him and Kai are beautiful and he wants to stay in the moment, to 'freeze' it. Blue Hour is very much about coming to terms that you've found something 'special' and you know the end might come, but you want time to freeze to keep yourself and the other person within it before things turn bad.

Kai's grandmother also has Blue Hour references related to her within the letter. Her picnic. Wanting to freeze the moment of love within it with Beomgyu's grandfather before the end comes. Wanting to recreate that moment with asking Kai to plant that garden for her.

Listen lol. Blue Hour is all over this book. If you read it a second time, you'll probably pick up on it more and more. I started writing this before Blue Hour was released, but as it turns out, the themes within the song also fitted incredibly well within this story. Go figure.

 ** _Toto-_** Yeah. Toto is a big thing here. You all know this. Beomgyu setting Toto free was a chain reaction of events. Let me break it down.

Beomgyu sets Toto free because in a way, it's a symbol for him setting Kai free. To forgive him and Beomgyu _tries_ to move on from their brief relationship.

Toto finds Kai in the outskirts. It draws Kai outside out of his depressive rut and he keeps going.

Kai talks to Toto about Beomgyu. He tells Toto the story of their love. Including the day of their picnic and how he gave Beomgyu rose tea.

Oscar is Kai's new neighbour at this point. Oscar overhears the conversations between Kai and Toto and knows the story of their love. Including how Beomgyu likes rose tea.

Oscar lands the job of Beomgyu's new personal assistant and leaves to live in the city- taking with him the rose tea that Kai gifts to him before he goes.

Oscar gives Beomgyu the rose tea which leads Beomgyu to go straight back to Kai.

Beomgyu letting Toto and Kai go freeis what turns the tides; the act of forgiveness. It's Beomgyu's forgiveness that ultimately sets up his own happy ending. Call it fate, call it the butterfly effect, call it God's mysterious workings, call it whatever you like. You just never know what forgiving someone will do for you. Forgiving someone for doing you wrong sets you _both_ free. Holding onto hate just insprisons you- but so can holding onto unconfessed love.

Beomgyu still, obviously, feels imprisoned by Kai, but it's more to do with hiding Kai's secrets from his family and shoving down his unspoken love for him. He _truly_ sets himself free by going back to Kai.

I was also subtly inspired by this 'setting yourself free' concept through AGUST-D's 'Set Me Free'. Though the meaning behind it is slightly different, during the track, you can hear a bird chirping. Yoongi wanted to be 'as free as bird'- so yeah, I got some mad inspiration from that. I love that man.

 ** _Angela-_** This might be a bit of a complex thing to explain.

Beomgyu has only ever had the Angela thing half figured out in the story. He _almost_ has it concluded, but that's why I'm here lol.

One of the reasons Beomgyu gives into Angela is because he can subconsciously see Kai in her. If you re-read the Angela scenes- her and Kai are very similar in personality. Both bright and bubbly, moments of sincerity, cunningness and flirtatiousness. All things that annoy Beomgyu to begin with regarding _both_ of them. But it's far deeper than Beomgyu seeing traces of Kai in Angela.

The second, **_truer_** reason:

Kai had made him more open-minded. Kai shattered a lot of judgemental walls Beomgyu had up. But Beomgyu never truly realized it. He put that night with Angela down to being drunk, bored, lonely etc.

That moment of pondering he has the morning after when he looks at the watercolour painting of cherry tomatoes- Why did he feel like sleeping with Angela was _Kai's_ fault?

Here's the thing:

He once hated tomatoes, just like he once hated women. But because of Kai's cherry tomatoes, he now knows that he's capable of liking things he once had a disdain for. It broadened his 'taste'.

Yes. It _is_ Kai's 'fault' that Beomgyu slept with her.

It was a mistake, yes. BUT- also a small sign of Beomgyu's growth of his attitude towards people.

Interesting food for thought, isn't it? Quite literally when compared to tomatoes.

It doesn't take away the way Beomgyu treats Angela after that night. But _during_ that night, he briefly slips back into the growth Kai had provided him with.

But this is why the Angela thing is actually important for Beomgyu. It's not so much what he does, but his mindset about it. He has moments of realization afterwards that he shouldn't have treated her like that. And this is a sign of growth. The old Beomgyu wouldn't have cared. But he feels bad about it _now_.

It's an early sign that Beomgyu hasn't truly moved on from what Kai has done to his heart. It's a sign that he still holds Kai's lessons within him even though he is trying _ever so_ hard at that point to deny that.

Angela may not seem important to a lot of people, but she's very important to Beomgyu's subtle growth while in the city.

To summarize: Angela is, unfortunately, the 'punching bag' of Beomgyu struggling with trying to let go of Kai and get back into his previous, 'normal' life. Ain't nothing worse than falling in love with a man who's confused about what he wants.

And one last note about Angela- her address. 'Azarado Boulevard'- The word 'Azarado' is the Brazilian Portuguese word for 'Unlucky'. And that pretty much sums up what she is in this story. Sorry, girlfriend.

 ** _Kai's grandmother-_** Another big note. God, I'm so sorry lol. Are you okay? Get yourself a cup of tea. Settle in.

Maya's life lessons are ones that I, myself, have undergone.

No, I'm not some criminal hiding in a house in the middle of nowhere.

It all has to do with Covid-19.

Maya, like most of us in quarantine, had to stay away from the outside world. I did too. And I did _not_ take very well to it initially. I hated the feeling of having my freedom stripped from me. I struggled. A lot. Because, at the time, I relied too heavily on the city.

I was in a grocery store queue. For 2 hours. 2 fucking hours. Just to get a loaf of bread and a few other things. In the middle of it I just up and left. I went home. I baked some bread instead. And I found it.. Satisfying.

I started making lots of other food from scratch too. Kimchi, Kombucha, Soup etc. I grew my own vegetable and fruit garden. I harvested my own food. I didn't even really need to _leave_ the house anymore.

I became self-sufficient in my isolation, much like Maya did.

I now keep a lot of plants. Indoor ones, outdoor ones. The act of caring for plants has taught me an astronomical amount about life. I feel enlightened. I feel like I just fucking _understand_ so much more about life now than I previously did.

But plants.. Holy shit.. Let me tell you. Looking after plants can teach you **_so_** fucking much about life. About people. It teaches you that not everyone is built equal. Some require different needs. Some are low maintenance. Some need a lot of work. Some open up constantly. Some maybe only once a year.

Looking after these little lives during my time of being cut off from _human_ lives has made me completely re-think how I deal with people. How I view them. How I treat them.

Seriously. Go get yourself a houseplant. See if it changes you the way it changed me.

Don't get me wrong, I hate what Covid has done to our world. But I _love_ what it has made me realize about myself. This worldwide virus has cured me.

 ** _Beomgyu's reaction to Maya (child)-_** I included the following sentences after Taehyun asks Beomgyu if he wants to keep Maya:

_The fact that I couldn't, with my entire heart, say 'yes' immediately was nothing short of abysmal. All my previous, terrible behaviour seemed like God's work in comparison to my confused silence._

_Just lock me up within the 9th circle of Hell and throw away the fucking key._

There's a good reason Beomgyu says 'lock me up within the 9th circle of Hell' in relation to him not truly knowing if he wants Maya or not.

The 9th circle of Hell comes from _Dante's_ 'Inferno' which is a 14th century 'epic poem' elaborating on where people go in Hell for their specific crimes in their lives.

The 9th circle of Hell is where people go for Treachery- specifically people who have betrayed _family_.

Beomgyu thinks that he belongs there, because he's _briefly_ pondering betraying Maya; feeling confused about whether or not he wants to keep her.

 ** _Kai's reaction to Maya (child)-_** This part here:

_I could do nothing but watch as he eventually stopped circling the room and laid his eyes upon the black Orchid he kept on top of the cabinet. The longer he gazed at it, it seemed to freeze him in place like a 500-year-old painting; that masterpiece that I was now so sure I was blemishing._

And followed up with this part:

_I looked back at Kai as I saw movement. He was bringing his hand to the edge of one of the black blooms upon the Orchid and tenderly swept his fingertips along it._

_He eventually bowed his head and breathed a small laugh out through his nose._

The reason Kai just stops and stares at the black Orchid is because he is thinking back to all of Beomgyu's growth over the course of knowing him. Kai's reminder of Beomgyu's growth through looking at the orchid is ultimately what brings his rollercoaster thoughts back down. It reminds him that Beomgyu struggled to grow and made mistakes. It reminds him of his _own_ mistakes and struggles. Kai now knows he has no right to be angry or misunderstanding towards Beomgyu or Maya's birth.

 ** _Maya's name-_** The name 'Maya' is a multicultural name found in many parts of the world. I chose this name for Kai's grandmother for a few reasons.

In the 'Tupi' language spoken by Brazilian Indian natives, it means 'mother' and the name 'Mayara' in the same language means 'grandmother'. Both things that Maya was to Kai in this story.

In Sanskrit the name Maya means 'illusion'- which represents Kai's grandmother in Beomgyu's eyes during the first half of the story. She symbolizes something that Beomgyu cannot see and it mystifies him with Kai's mysterious nature of always leaving to take care of her.

 ** _'Life Goes On'-_** I know some of you must be wondering, when Kai says to Beomgyu that the reason he kept going after he left was because he realized 'life goes on', was it a reference to BTS's song?

No. It wasn't. It was purely coincidence.

I had always planned for Kai to say those words. But when I read the lyrics of Life Goes On, eerily enough, the song is almost, word for word, what actually went on inside Kai's head during Beomgyu's year away from the outskirts.

Some of the lyrics which are an exact mirror image of what Kai thinks are these:

 _Streets erased all of footprints  
_ _I lie here, fallen to the ground  
_ _Time goes by on its own  
_ _Without a single apology_

This sums up Kai's initial slump from Beomgyu leaving.

 _Like an echo in the forest  
_ _The day will come back around  
_ _As if nothing happened  
_ _Yeah, life goes on  
_ _Like an arrow in the blue sky  
_ _Another day flying by  
_ _On my pillow, on my table  
_ _Yeah, life goes on  
_ _Like this again_

This is basically Kai's realization that life does indeed go on without Beomgyu's presence. But within the lyrics 'The day will come back around, as if nothing happened' is more towards Kai almost _knowing_ that Beomgyu will return to him one day- as if- like the lyrics say- nothing happened.

It's almost a bit creepy how this turned out. For a moment in time, BTS and I shared the same brain cells ^^

 ** _Oscar-_** I won't delve too deeply into him. But there is some dialogue of his that I want to address.

When Oscar walks into Beomgyu's office the day before Beomgyu is to become CEO he says these words:

"Shouldn't you be off home now, Beomgyu? It's a big day tomorrow."

And the very last words he says to Beomgyu after Angela's funeral are these:

"Shouldn't you be off home now, Beomgyu? It's been a big day, after all."

These words have a very _knowing_ sense about them. Oscar knew the day of Beomgyu signing his contract would be a big day... but not in the sense of him becoming CEO, but almost knowing he would go back to Kai with giving him rose tea.

And he says the words again after Angela's funeral, as if, to _incredibly_ subtly say to Beomgyu 'I've known everything all along.'

I will.. Again.. Subtly.. Elaborate on him a bit more shortly.

 ** _Maya's 'star' baby mobile and Nap Of A Star-_** So Maya having a wooden star hanging above her crib and Kai playing a piano version of Nap Of A Star to her all come down to the following lyrics within the song:

 _I can see even if you're not by my side  
_ _I can feel you even if you don't say a word  
_ _Because I believe in you even if I'm anxious_

These lyrics are from Beomgyu's point of view regarding his daughter. He's thinking that he believes in her growing up to be a beautiful person, even if he's still anxious about parenthood.

 _I can touch even if you're not in my sight  
_ _I reach even if you go far away from me  
_ _Even if it's just in your memories, my hearts is always dancing, just like before_

These lyrics are from Kai's point of view regarding his grandmother. Even though she's gone, he holds onto her memories and his childhood lessons from her. Inside his own mind, he's thinking he will use them to make sure that Maya grows up well with everything his grandmother taught him.

It's definitely not something that's elaborated on in the story at the time of the scene, but this is why I'm writing these notes, after all. Most things have a deeper meaning behind them.

 ** _Beomgyu's happy ending-_** This is in relation to my previous TXT AU 'New World'.

In 'New World' Beomgyu's character... doesn't really get a happy ending. It is, but it isn't. It's bittersweet. There is a scene where Kai and Beomgyu are sitting up in a tree and they're looking up at the stars. Beomgyu asks Kai if he believes in reincarnation.

Beomgyu makes a wish upon a star, hoping that in another lifetime, all 5 of them can meet up again to live a life of music together.

So in a very subtle cross-fic fashion, I _did_ end up giving Beomgyu his wish and his happy ending that he so wholly deserved from his tragic existence within 'New World'.

I felt bad for how I wrote Beomgyu's life in that fic. I wouldn't re-write it. But I decided to write an AU where Beomgyu _does_ get a happy ending with a life of music with the other 4- with Taehyun and Kai joining his band alongside Yeonjun and Soobin.

I got a little bit emotionally attached to that previous Beomgyu I wrote. I wanted to give him what he deserved.

 ** _Maya (child) and the little boy-_** While we're on the subject of reincarnation from my previous note..

This is subjective. I won't confirm nor deny it.

But the little boy who holds out a flower to Maya after school _could_ be a reincarnation of Beomgyu's grandfather. And Maya could quite easily be seen as a reincarnation of Kai's grandmother- the wish of hers in her letter- wanting them to meet again in another life.

Also, if you note the words Maya says to the boy in reaction to the flower:

"Your hand is dirty."

This is exactly what Beomgyu said to Kai when they first met in Kai's backyard when Kai extends his hand to Beomgyu.

History repeats itself. Maybe in more ways than 1 with the possibility of reincarnation.

 ** _'Angels'-_** The existence of angels in this story is very open-ended. It's.. never really confirmed at all. _But.. you_ _could_ think of it this way:

Let's say that Oscar, Angela and Kai _are_ angels. Because.. The name 'Oscar' means 'Divine Strength'. The name 'Angela' literally means 'Angel' or 'Messenger of God'. And Kai.. well, he's an angel in the +u.

But let's say that Oscar is the only one out of the 3 who _knows_ he's an angel.

And let's say, Angela and Kai never truly found out that they were too.

... I mean... maybe?

I refuse to confirm nor deny ^-^ Take it any way you wish *giggles*

 ** _The Beomkai dynamic-_** The only other TXT AU/fic I've written before this is Sookai. Because Sookai is adorable. It's loving. It's warm. It's fuzzy. But it's _easy_.

Beomkai, however... it's just... so fucking...

**_Interesting._ **

Hueningkai and Beomgyu's interactions are almost... almost non-existent. But when we _do_ see their dynamic together- it's subtle. It's quiet but LOUD. And it's _deeply_ fascinating. But I feel like I understand it very well. I feel like my understanding of them, both individually and together, has allowed me to write a mostly convincing sort of dynamic between the pair of them in this story.

Hueningkai just seems to constantly tease Beomgyu.

And Beomgyu gets a bit upset about it. Not seriously. But more in the 'God I hate you, but I love you' kind of way.

I think the _biggest_ thing about understanding the Beomkai dynamic, is to understand their love language for each other.

Hueningkai shows his love in a lot of ways- but mostly through teasing people. It's obvious that he loves people's reactions.

Beomgyu shows his love quietly; indirectly. It's not said through words a lot, but actions. Him helping people, supporting people.

These two love languages coupled together with Beomkai is just so... again... _interesting_.

Beomkai is my favourite dynamic now because they are both so _different_ but still manage to understand each other and love each other.

I know there are 'fans' out there who think Hueningkai doesn't show much respect to Beomgyu. Or even go as far to say that he disrespects him.

God, you are so wrong.

These people just don't understand relationship/friendship dynamics. They don't understand the love languages.

Hueningkai adores his members. He's said it multiple times. What are you not understanding?

Maybe these people have some of their _own_ weeds to pull out of their minds.

 ** _Black Orchid-_** Although you all now know what Black Orchid really means within this story, it still has a lot of hidden meanings behind it.

A Black Orchid, in many, _many_ fields of art and literature, has several meanings and symbols behind it. And most of them embody what happens in this story.

A Black Orchid is known for symbolizing mystery, death, power, wealth, sexual desire, status, bad luck, virtility, the achievement of goals, negativity.

These are all themes that are present within this story. They are all things that Beomgyu endures. But through Kai, a black orchid also insights new meanings: Pain, growth, understanding, time, memories, family.

 ** _Kai-_** This is my last note. Go refill your teacup. Time to dig deep here.

While Kai picked up a lot of his views of the world from his grandmother, he also learns his own... very, _very_ hard lessons while spending his 6 months in the city. And this is the 'money' issue.

This is yet another lesson learned from myself through my own experiences. Not direct experiences, but _indirectly_ through my family.

I'm 20. I start college next year. I've never really known 'obscene wealth' but one side of my family has and it's... honestly the most toxic, ugliest thing I've ever seen.

A few days after I finished writing this story, I went on a small family holiday which I only just got back from. Some of these people were family members from the richer side of my family. And one evening we were all sitting around talking until an aunt of mine started discussing money. How she already has so much of it but needs more of it. She goes on about how much of a lavish lifestyle she has. All the cars, houses and bank accounts she owns.

But I was observing her very closely while she was ranting on and noticed something.

She wasn't smiling. Her eyes were lifeless. I didn't see one _ounce_ of soul in those dead orbs.

She's 40-something and thinks that money is the answer to a successful life- And. She's. Passing. This. Mentality. Down. To. Her. Children.

I had to get out. I stood up. Snapped my neck at her with a glare and dragged my incredibly vulnerable 8-year-old cousin out of the house because I did _not_ want his innocent little mind listening to her corruptive bullshit. It was his birthday, by the way. And the greedy, money-hungry adults decided to make it about how their **bank accounts** weren't fucking full enough- Instead. Of. His. **_Birthday_**.

*breathes*

Sorry. It just... it really fucked me off.

But here's one of the deeper meanings I got the inspiration to write this story. To tell the story of what 'money' can do to you. Both through Beomgyu and Kai's experiences with it. It sums up most of the prologue.

4 years ago, I was hanging out with one of my older cousins and he had an older song playing called 'Between Angels and Insects'. It wasn't really my taste in music but the _lyrics_. It addresses what money does to the mind if you're closed-minded to its corruptive nature. It addresses how toxic it can make you.

I'm not even going to reference a single set of lyrics. I am going to paste the entire song right here.

This is the hard lesson Kai learned in his life before Beomgyu came along. It's entirely _half_ of what makes his character him.

Just read this. Just fucking _read_ this. Read all of it and let it sink in:

 _There's no money, there's no possessions_ _  
__Only obsession, I don't need that shit_ _  
__Take my money, take my obsession_ _  
__  
__I just want to be heard, loud and clear are my words_ _  
__Coming from within man tell them what you heard_ _  
__It's about a revolution, in your heart and in your mind_ _  
__'Til you find a conclusion._ _  
__  
_**_Lost out in obsession_ ** **_  
_** **_Diamond rings get you nothing but a life-long lesson_ ** **_  
_** **_And your pocketbooks stressing_ ** **_  
_** **_You're a slave to the system, working jobs that you hate for that shit you don't need_ ** _  
__  
__It's too bad the world is based on greed_ _  
__Step back and see_ _  
__Stop thinking about yourself, start thinking about:_

 _There's no money, there's no possession_ _  
__Only obsession, I don't need that shit_ _  
__Take my money, take my possession, take my obsession_ _  
__I don't need that shit_

 _Because everything is nothing_ _  
__And emptiness isn't everything_ _  
__This reality is really just a fucked up dream_ _  
__With the flesh and the blood that you call your soul_ _  
__Flip it inside out, it's a big black hole_

 **_Take your money burn it up like an asteroid_ ** **_  
_** **_Possessions, they ain't never gonna fill the void_ ** **_  
_** **_Take it away and learn your best lesson_ ** **_  
_** **_The heart, the soul, the life, the passion_ **

_There's no money, there's no possession_ _  
__Only obsession, I don't need that shit_ _  
__Take my money, take my possession, take my obsession_ _  
__I don't need that shit_

 _Money, possession, obsession_ _  
__  
__Present yourself, press your clothes, comb your hair_ _  
__And clock in_ _  
__  
_**_You just can't win, just can't win_ ** **_  
_** **_And the things you own, own you_ **

_Take my money, take my possession, take my obsession_ _  
__I don't need that shit_

 _Fuck your money, fuck your possession_ _  
__Fuck your obsession, I don't need that shit_

 _Money, possession, obsession, I don't need that shit_ _  
_ _  
_The lyrics in bold are what _really_ speaks to me. And they're what spoke to Kai and eventually over time, Beomgyu too.

As for Kai, a money-filled city life was not what could heal him from the pain of having been lied to by his grandmother all his life. It wasn't going to give him a real family. Filling his house with possessions was never going to fill his _heart_.

Even though he may seem like a mysterious character and he often must make the reader think "This dude. Must have the most _complex_ background to be where he is today."

No. He doesn't.

And that's the beauty of him.

He doesn't need much in life to make him the person that he is. He's got his own happiness figured out. Living a simple life. He's got his plants. He's got his music. He's got his grandmother's teachings. He's got his own city-life lessons. And he's got the beautiful soul that's been hand-crafted from it all.

That's all he needs. And it's all Beomgyu needs in the end too.

You know.. It's interesting when children are asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and most adults expect to hear children list off careers and such.

Wouldn't it be lovely if all children answered that question with "I want to be happy"?

In my eyes, _that_ is what a successful life is.

Success is too often associated with money. When you think of a successful person, people think of wealthy people.

I'd like to see the day come when a successful person is someone who is defined by their happiness.

Just look how happy Kai is throughout most of this story. Is it because of money and material possessions? No. His success is finding happiness in knowing that it's not because of that.

It's the main reason I've written this story. It's a message that I want to keep on telling for the rest of my life until people finally open their eyes to realize what _true_ success is.

I've had a lot of readers tell me that this story is going to stay with them for a long time. And honestly, that's _all_ I want as an author. I do not care about the number of reads I get. I really don't. I care about the people who read this to the end and _learned something_ from it.

You are worth a million reads. Every last one of you.

Thank you very much for reading the story and these notes. Writing gives me a lot of life. It makes me feel alive. It sets my brain on fire (in a good way). And knowing that it's also made some of you feel alive has been worth every last word written.

I don't know when my next TXT AU will come about. I have a few ideas floating around my head, but my brain is also kind of exhausted from this story. It needs a long rest for now ^^

Hope to see some of you again soon, in another journey.


End file.
